A Weirdly Perverted Romance

by Kitty Parker

  "She's your friend?" the blonde spat quite literally at me in her disbelief.

  "Say it don't spray it will ya?" I said wiping my face with a sleeve "Of course she is! Who wouldn't want to be her friend?"

  "Look I don't know who you think ya are pig face but I, Kelly Kosher,rule this school." She retorted her hands on her hips.

  "Well Osh kosh b'gosh" I giggled at her last name and she glared at me and after taking a few steps back she lunged at me. Yes, lunged. My eyes widened and I darted out of the way, Kelly careened into a rose bush with a startled scream.

  I laughed, and then I turned to Alexandria, holding out a hand "Hi I'm Reese, nice to meet ya!!"

  She beamed up at me, and it was the nicest and most genuine smile I had ever received. That is why she soon became my best friend.

  I pulled her up and turned to Kelly who was sitting in the rose bush, arms crossed and tears in her eyes. She was giving me the biggest scowl I had ever received, that is why she didn't become my best friend.

  * * *

  Yeah, after that incident, Kelly made it her goal in life to make my life, miserable. Unfortunately for her, I had already experienced what I would believe to be the worst thing to ever happen to me. It scars me to this day.

  So yeah, it didn't work. Which pissed her off even more. Bonus.

  "We get a day off school today and your Grandmother said you were sick and couldn't come to work today, so I decided to visit you to see what's up." He replied with a shrug. I frowned, if I was any bit better whatsoever today, I would be going. I liked work.

  "Dave, Dave, Dave, why ever are you so nice to me?" I asked with a grin, it was a danger for him to come while I had a fever. You never know what I'll do under the influence of Panadol, beet soup and lemonade.

  "Ah because I am secretly in love with you!" he joked with a smile and I laughed sending my self into a dizzy spell. Too much brain activity, mentality malfunctioning, brain overload. Bzzzzzz!

  "Woo!" I exclaimed randomly. I then slapped myself silly for doing so, what do they put in Panadol?

  He laughed and brought my hand away from my face "Don't want to give your self a headache there soldier" he grinned.

  "No seriously, why are you so nice?" I pried resting my head on a hand.

  "Well, it was a little while ago when a girl helped me out when I had a booboo on my knee" he laughed, albeit embarrassed.

  My face contorted into confusion and I thought back before hit with realisation, he was the little crying boy I had helped out when I was a mere girl of 3?

  Oh no, here we go back down memory lane again, twice in the same day? It's the Panadol I swear, damn Panadol.

  * * *

  I sat there on the swing as my mum chatted up some guy. I was 3 and I already knew what she was doing, wasn't that a little sad?

  She was cheating on Daddy, but I didn't care, I didn't like him much anyway.

  I swung up and down with the little 3 year old strength I had and saw a little boy crying after falling off the seesaw. I jumped off the swing, stumbling clumsily after my landing and toddled over to the little boy "You otay? Don't cry."

  "I'm ok..." he muttered pretending he hadn't been just crying, his knee was bleeding too.

  "You gots an ouchie pally." I peered down at his knee, nodding after inspecting it "An ouchie alright."

  I pulled out 3 heart shaped bandaids from my pocket. It was pitiful; at the age of 3 I had already become independent with those sorts of things, carrying bandaids, picking my outfits, etc.

  I pulled the bandaid off its plastic covering and stuck it on his knee after clearing some of the blood with my thumb. I then stood up straight, handing him the rest of the bandaids.

  "I gots mores! You keep em'!" I said beaming at him and holding my hand out to help him up, I pulled him up and he smiled gratefully at me.

  "Reese honey, time to go sweetie pie!!" my mum called jovially. I think she got his number, whatever that was; she was always talking about them.

  "Sorry, I gots to goes!" I chirped sending a grin the little boy's way.

  He waved smiling at me "See you!"

  "See ya later chick potata" I winked and then dashed off.

  * * *

  "Heh, so did you end up using those heart bandaids?" I asked meekly and his face contorted in horror.

  "Do you know how much mocking was brought on by that by my older brother? I never used them again!" he reported horror-stricken.

  I laughed and he ruffled my hair "Well I got to get going, you need some sleep!"

  After he made his way out of my room I smiled and fell into a comfortable rest.

  * * *

  When I woke up I was full of energy, probably because I had been cooped up in bed all day. I mean honestly, I was bad enough as it was without adding unneeded energy!!

  Seriously, it was like on the Simpson's when Maggie got into the coffee beans or something. If you told me to calm down it just added wood to my fire, I couldn't be stopped!

  I jumped from my bed, my eyes darting around the room excitedly and then landing on the clock. It was 4pm! I had only half an hour to get ready to go to work! Yes, I am going to work. No, I am not stupid.

  I dashed out of my room to the bathroom whooping. I can not say it enough, damn Panadol.

  Upon reaching the bathroom I tossed my clothes to the floor and turned the knobs on the shower, slamming the bathroom door and jumping in.

  I squealed.

  Mental note: Never jump in showers before putting a hand underneath water to check temperature.

  I got out of the way while it warmed and soon enough it was nice, warm, and heavenly.

  After scrubbing my body for all its worth I sunk to the floor of the shower, wrapping my arms around my legs and letting out a contented sigh.

  Showers, what would I ever do without them?

  I suppose I could take a bath, they were always nice. But a shower was more convenient, not to mention it saves water. Well, it would if I didn't stay in there for so long.

  Grandmother is always grumbling about this. Sure, just because one time I fell asleep, doesn't mean I do it every time. Besides that was ages ago, like...a month actually, but I was really tired!! We had cross country that day!!

  I heard a considerably loud thump on the bathroom door. I sighed and rolled over, another thump resounded and I heard my grandmother yelling something or other. Please, I had only been in there 10 minutes. Why couldn't she let me shower in peace?

  She yelled some more, I ignored her cries but turned the taps on the shower and wrapped a towel around my self, muttering the whole time.

  I bombarded through the door and dashed across the hallway, passing the entrance of my house and heading to my room. Unfortunately I did not see The Pervert. Who was-by the way-standing there holding some form of homework, his eyes bugging out.

  I came out few seconds later wearing black baggy stonewash jeans (which I had plastered x's, o's and love hearts all over) along with my band shirt which had Panic at the Disco on it, that band rocks. It had a picture from their video of 'Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking off her clothes', the one with the fish tanks.

  I was running on my way back to the bathroom to grab my hairbrush when I spotted The Pervert, I skidded to a stop my eyes wide "Oh my god this is a nightmare. I must be still sleeping." I pinched my self hard, and it hurt, damn, not a dream.

  "Ow" I muttered rubbing my arm and narrowing my eyes at him "Why are you here and how long have you been here?"

  "Well" he coughed slightly red in the face "Long enough to see you run past with only a towel on, but if its any consolation I wouldn't mind if you did it again."

  I stood there my mouth flapping like a gold fish as I gaped at him in mortification. Oh my god he had seen me naked!! Well ok, not naked, but near enough to it!!

  I dragged my mortified self back into the bathroom and stood there brushing my hair for a bit. I set my hairbrush back down like a robot and came back out of there to
resume my goldfish-like position.

  Soon enough I cleared my throat and said "I'll be going to work now." Ingenious response was it not? I thought imitating a gold fish was good, but this one takes the cake.

  I made my way to the door and just as I reached for the door knob I got pulled back "Well yeah that was slightly awkward...but I have your school work here you missed today and uh I don't think you should be going to work you still seem a little..."

  I glared, a little what? I snatched the papers out of his hands "Yippee" I muttered looking down at them; the homework included a maths project. How did he get my homework?

  "Oh I tracked down your teachers and asked." He reported with a smirk at my confused looks "Aren't I great?"

  "Yeah, wouldn't want to miss a maths project." I muttered frowning down at the papers and then looking up at him, his expression was that of a wounded puppy. I sighed reaching up to pat his head "It was a nice thought however."

  His expression brightened "Yes, I know, I am full of nice thoughts."

  "Hah, don't get so cocky." I teased walking to the lounge room to put my homework down on the coffee table. I turned around and my eyes widened when I was face to face with The Pervert.

  I stepped back a few steps and a light bulb went off in my head "Want to try a lamington I made?!" I asked hopefully and he blinked before nodding. I grabbed his wrist and dragged him to the kitchen, grabbing a lamington from the fridge "You're lucky! I haven't even tried them yet!"

  He took it from my hand and eyed it for a second before warily taking a bite from it; I watched his eyes contort into horror and he swallowed with a meek smile "Maybe cooking isn't for you."

  I frowned taking the lamington from his hand and taking a bite from it. I immediately started choking and sputtered cake crumbs everywhere.

  "Damn it!" I frowned at the lamington putting it down on the kitchen bench "I thought I didn't do so badly this time"

  "Oh come on, it's not that bad..." he replied and I sent him a sharp look of incredulity.

  "You have got to be kidding me" I cried surprised he hadn't gagged "Tell the truth."

  "Ok" he wrapped an arm around my shoulder as if to soften the affect his words would have on me "That was the worst thing I have ever eaten in my life."

  "Couldn't you atleast sugar coat it a little?" I whimpered looking forlornly at the lamington; I was definitely not giving one to Doris.

  He gave my shoulder a squeeze and his arm dropped to his side "I'll tell you what, you put on my jacket and you can come right over to my house and I'll help you cook."

  I narrowed my eyes "Is this some ploy to get me not to go to work? Have you been talking to my Grandma?"

  "I might have done just that, but, my offer still stands." He replied with a shrug and a smirk.

  "You're evil." I hissed glaring at him. I did, however, want to improve my cooking skills. My Grandmother, bless her heart, has no patience for me in that area of expertise. So I wasn't going to throw the chance away when given it "And you're on"

  I dashed to my room and pulled on his jumper, which, during the hours of last night, I had decorated with a pink unicorn or two.

  I returned to his side and he eyed his jumper with a slightly horrified expression which soon turned to amusement "Well, I am definitely never going to ask for that back." He grinned.

  Nope, he wasn't.

  As we walked out the door I heard a shriek come from the kitchen "Jesus Christ!!"

  "I think she ate one of your lamingtons" The Pervert snorted with laughter, I just glared at him.

  No appreciation for good –cough- cooking these days!!

  Chapter 5: Cooking and four Perverts?! What!?

  "So, the egg shell isn't supposed to go in?" I asked with an egg in hand, eyeing it in wonder. Who knew?

  "No Juliet. Its not." The pervert muttered under his breath and I raised an eyebrow; Juliet? "No wonder thous Lamingtons tasted of dirt."

  "Oh really?" I asked raising my other eyebrow with a frown; my lamingtons did not taste like dirt.

  "Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swearThat tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops-" he responded with a smirk.

  "Oh swear not by the moon, may we be trialled with the crime of copyright." I responded attempting to withhold a smile.

  "What shall I swear by?" he asked with a grin and I turned to him with my hands on my hips.

  "Do not swear at all." I replied flatly not intending on continuing my sentence "May we continue?" I ushered to the ingredients that lay spread across the bench top.

  "Aren't you forgetting some things?" he asked waggling his eyebrows suggestively. I frowned. What was he referring to with those looks of his?

  "Hey Romeo you're supposed to be teaching me how to cook here" I reminded him impatiently ushering once more to the ingredients.

  He replied with a roll of his eyes "Crack the eggs into the cup, I told you already fair Juliet."

  "So...I break them into the cup...without any eggshell?" I inquired rolling the egg around in my palm.

  "Yes." He replied patiently and I nodded eyeing the egg with determination. I shall conquer.

  We were making pancakes; I know it sounds simple, but for me, its not. You have to start somewhere right?

  But I failed. I crushed the egg a bit too much and I, being the drama queen I am, threw the cup at him. Unintentionally of course.

  He indignantly spat yolk out of his mouth and some of it dribbled down the side of his forehead.

  I started to laugh but I succeeded at holding it back when he began to glower at me. But I couldn't help but smile.

  Soon he smiled back and I began to feel suspicious. Before I could save myself he threw a handful of flour at me. I blinked and then lunged at him sending him sprawling to the ground.

  He rubbed his head as it gave a satisfactory clunk on the cupboard door, but I wasn't finished. I was just beginning. No-one assaults me with flour and gets away with it.

  Not that I had been assaulted with flour before. But if I had, I would let whoever it was have it. Except if it was my Grandmother. God knows what she could do to me with those TV ideas of hers.

  It didn't take long before I had his hands pinned behind his back leaving him completely defenceless. He smiled up at me his eyes twinkling "Care to indulge me with your womanly wiles?"

  "Hah. You wish." I jabbed him in the guts.

  "Yes, I do." He responded with a roguish grin.

  Now that's my que to shove a handful of flour in his mouth. So I did. Commence coughing now.

  He coughed and spat flour all over me, damn. That backfired. I should have held his mouth shut. Stupid boy.

  I frowned down at my jumper. Previously his. But if this gets wrecked he's so paying for it. I don't care if he bought it.

  "Man. I would like some of that." A somewhat familiar voice rung throughout the kitchen and my eye twitched; what did he just say?

  "Excuse me?" I replied removing both hands from The Pervert and placing them on my hips indignantly. Standing in the entry way of the kitchen, was Edie.

  "Honestly bro, I approve," he motioned to me with a nod of his little perverted head "And Baby, if he dumps you; I'm happy to take his place."

  Oh good grief; there's two of them. I deem him Pervert Junior.

  I made gagging noises and The Pervert sent a death glare in his little brothers direction. Pervert Junior just held up his arms in mock-horror.

  "Go get someone your own age little boy." I replied flatly.

  He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and left the room with a smirk on his face.

  "He's worse then you." I muttered climbing to my feet and dusting myself off.

  "Please, we aren't even comparable." He retorted with a snort and I smirked raising an eyebrow at him; oh?

  "Really?" I asked my smirk growing wider. He faced me with a glare and I waggled my eyebrows "Denial is not just a river."

  "Just crack the eggs" he commanded and I frowned at the eggs; they would not win this time
.

  I picked one up and stared it down. I won. This wasn't much considering eggs don't have eyes.

  I went to crack it and The Pervert stopped me before the egg exploded onto my palm "Don't try so hard." He advised me "You got to be gentle."

  He took my hand and placed the egg in a different position, leading my hand to the cup and rapping the egg on it lightly.

  I grabbed the other half of the egg and let it pour into the cup with a proud grin; I won.

  "So what is the point of it going in the cup first?" I inquired peering down into the cup curiously.

  "Just to make sure it doesn't get any shell in it, and that it's not off." He responded and I nodded my head excitedly; I was learning!!

  I tilted my head, and then looked from The Pervert to the egg and back again; was it off?

  "It's fine. You can pour it in now." He told me and I nodded once more pouring it in with interest.

  The rest of the afternoon went quite alike this. Questions were asked like "So you don't use the microwave?" and "How many hours does each pancake take to cook?"

  After a while all the batter was used and The Pervert's mum was kicking us out so she could cook tea. She offered tea to me but I politely declined; I was only here for the cooking lesson, and Grandmother was cooking Spaghetti. I love spaghetti.

  So here I was sitting on The Pervert's bed eating pancakes. Which were heavenly might I add.

  "Maple syrup...strawberry jam...yummy..." I mumbled as I devoured yet another pancake. I had already eaten 8. The Pervert was watching me with the look of a tourist eyeing a foreign animal.

  "What?" I inquired with a snort and then his eyes flicked across my face and he chuckled. Chuckled. Again. He annoyed me.

  "You're a pig darling." He murmured grazing a finger across my cheek and presenting jam on the tip of his finger.

  "You could have just told me." I sputtered crumbs flying out of my mouth at him and I laughed lightly as he shot me an exasperate look.

  "Say it don't spray it doll face." He replied flatly wiping crumbs away.