A Weirdly Perverted Romance

by Kitty Parker

  Can we even get out?

  I think the spider is crawling up my shorts.

  Did you know that Pervert's eyes have heart-shaped flecks in them? They do.

  "Minutes up Guys!" Mr Screwd informed us blowing a whistle. Finally.

  Most people responded by wiping their hands on their pants/skirts/whatever and the people sleeping on the ground awoke rather startled 'Good lord! My eyes!' they screamed referring to the sunlight. Then they realised they were in detention still and started muttering amongst themselves, cursing at intervals.

  I however, was eyeing a rather large praying mantis peeking out the bottom of my shorts. Normally I wouldn't mind bugs all that much, but this one was staring at me. It was freaky.

  Hoping to god it wasn't female I sent The Pervert a pleading look. The Discovery Channel had played a clip of the female praying mantis eating the male one. It was scary damn it, those things were violent. They also had big-ass beady black eyes.

  The Pervert looked down and then smirked "Is ickle Reese scared of the big bad praying mantis?"

  "Pervert boy. Get. It. Off. Me." I directed with a finger to the thing that was on my leg, making a face at it in disgust.

  "Try 'Please Rem, get the big bad mean ol' bug off me'" he mocked with a snicker, his hands on his hips.

  "Please, Remmington. Off. Now." I pleaded "I'll do anything. Just get it off."

  "Anything? Alright then." He bent over and picked it off, it clung on to his hand not wanting to get dropped. He flicked it at panda-girl. She squealed. I laughed.

  "I'll hold you to that." He told me with a smirk, waiting for Mr. Screwd to inform us of our next activity. Once he did I nearly squealed with glee, it involved blindfolds. You know what blindfolds mean? Making people run into trees. More specifically, making The Pervert run into a tree.

  So I let The Pervert go first, after all, I didn't want any retaliation on his account. He had fun, making me go around sticking my hands in spider's webs and all that jazz. But then it was my turn.

  I ran straight towards the tree, but unfortunately all didn't go as planned. I kind of tripped over a tree root. Then I kind of kicked him in his nether regions as I fell. He kind of let out a howl comparable to one you would receive if you stepped on a dog's tail.

  You know what was strange? I actually felt really bad about it. Like, I couldn't believe I was about to make him run into a tree, and thinking about it, I don't think I would have followed through. Which was kind of strange as you know, I should be acting all uncaring like usual.

  I think Grandmother slipped pills into my drink that morning; it's the only explanation of what I did next. Which was start apologising. Not that that was too unusual, I mean, I should have apologised. Just not 20 million times, waving my hands around and asking if he was ok every, oh, couple of seconds?

  "I am so sorry!" I apologised once more pulling at my hair "Gees, did that hurt?"

  He sent me a patronising look. Yes, stupid Reese. Of course it hurt, you kicked him there of all places.

  "Sorry!" I said jumping up and down now. Imagine, a girl having a mental break down because she happened to kick a guy in the you-know-whats. What if I had ruined his chance to have babies or something? I've heard that can happen. Well, technically he doesn't have the babies, but you know what I mean. Why am I even thinking about that of all things? Grandmother definitely did something to my drink. I know she did.

  "Would you stop apologising?" he said pulling himself off the ground, thinking he had concealed the look of pain on his face. Well, he had, kind of. But there was still a slight grimace. Oh god, what if I did ruin his chance to have babies?

  "Sorry-" I covered my mouth realising I was doing it yet again "Sorry I said sorry-I mean-sorry!"

  Someone, please, shoot me now.

  Chapter 11: Worse than Problems down There

  -

  "Reese!" came a voice "Reese..."

  Darn thing was persisting; I mumbled something incoherent in response.

  "Well, I think she's alive." Sighed a voice, prodding my cheek.

  My eyes fluttered open and I found my teacher and The Pervert looking down at me. Well, I guess it's lunch time then?

  "Miss Anderson," my English teacher sighed "I advise you to not fall asleep in this class, you're nearly failing as is."

  "Miss, I advise you not to get your hopes up." I said with a meek smile. It was only 'nearly failing' because I handed in all my assignments, which never ceased to amaze Miss Dewry. Every time I came in sleepy-faced with my project in hand she always had this glazed over look in her eyes, like there was some hope in the world.

  Sorry Miss D, but I'm going to disagree with you on that one. You just have to look out the door towards the section where Kelly was most likely standing, scratching her head 'Now, which way does the key go in? The pointy end or the circle-ish one?' to know all is not right in the world.

  Miss Dewry sighed and sent me a sad look before ushering me out the door along with The Pervert with a 'Have a nice lunch you two.'

  I headed towards my locker and The Pervert to his. I opened my locker to shove my stuff in it and grab out the chocolate bars Grandmother had advised I buy. Well she had advised a box of chocolate, close enough. He was lucky to even be getting it, I mean, until The Incident with his Nether Regions I hadn't even planned on giving them to him.

  Then I tagged along to the caff to get some gruel. If I ever came to have a position of importance in this school, I would use it first and foremost to give us something that looks less like regurgitated sour cream. It kind of reminded me of the look on Mr Screwd's face when I asked him if he was related to a boy named 'Boris'.

  'Oh yes,' he had said with a repulsed look on his face 'he's my nephew. I don't like where his current job is heading though, my sister reported to me that he had this girl screaming about her problems down there to him.'

  'Oh' had been my reply.

  Well, let's just hope he doesn't remember what I look like. I mean, God forbid, I don't want it going around the town that a girl with pink hair and a passion for skulls has problems you-know-where. Everyone would know who he was talking about, I mean, how many girls have pink hair? My Grandmother would probably have a stroke.

  "Here Dear," Lunch Lady Doris handed over my lunch with a cheerful grin and a side of 2 pieces of mud cake "did your boyfriend like the cake?"

  "Uh," I contemplated over my options, Doris had always had this fantasy that some guy would come and sweep me off my feet. I honestly didn't believe it, but Doris had hope, and she believed that 'some guy' was The Pervert. I really didn't want to burst her bubble but..."Doris, he's not my boyfriend."

  She gave me a grin "Don't worry pet, he's warm for your form if the way he's looking at you now is any clue."

  I reddened slightly at Doris's choice of wording; it was especially embarrassing coming from her. Lunch Ladies were not supposed to go around telling teenage girls what guys were 'warm for their form' so to say. Turning my head in The Pervert's direction I saw his head move in the opposite direction quickly. He had been staring at me.

  "Doris," I spoke with a reassuring tone "he is not warm for my form."

  Her grin just broadened and she ushered me off without another word, she happens to be getting good at this. So I went and sat at my table and there was a girl staring at me with amusement as I set down my fried rice. What was she watching me for? I quirked an eyebrow up at her and she seemed to chuckle to herself and look back to the book she was reading. Pride and Prejudice. Huh.

  Sticking a fork in the rice and twisting it around I decided to pay back the favour by watching her as she read, I was about to say something but was interrupted "Not stirred enough Reese?"

  I looked down at my fried rice, or should I say, what was left of my fried rice. Maybe I stirred it a bit too enthusiastically, it was scattered across the table. The girl on the other table seemed to find this hysterically funny as she dropped her book and began to titter into her jumper sleeve.
/>   "Pervert Boy," I said with a frown "why is that girl watching me?"

  "Well," he said tilting his head and looking in the direction of the girl before his gaze turned to me "you're obviously amusing to watch. I must agree with that. Anyway, what do you have in that bag?"

  "Oh," I said remembering the chocolate bars "you can thank my Grandmother for forcing me to get you these."

  Handing him the chocolate bars I shot the girl one more bemused glance before shrugging.

  "Reese?" he snorted into a hand "Did you uh, happen to look at the brand of the chocolate bars?"

  "Huh?" I blinked in confusion "What's wrong with them?"

  Hoping it wasn't some kind of love orientated brand or the mind-in-the-gutter kind I snatched up one of the bars and inspected it.

  Reese

  The brand name was Reese? Oh for the love of...of all the chocolate bars I could have tossed into the trolley it had to be one with my name written all over it. Literally.

  And it wasn't even real chocolate; it was a chocolate biscuit kind of thing.

  I threw the bar at him with a disgruntled look on my face. Stupid Reese bar.

  He eyed me with mirth opening the chocolate cookie bar and taking a bite from it. He opened his mouth to say something but I shook my head at him with narrowed eyes.

  This is when the girl decided to come up and sit at the table "Alright, let's get down to business."

  I blinked back at her, what was she talking about?

  "I don't want what you're selling." I told her flatly "I'm stored up on Girl Scout cookies and I'm fine with my phone services."

  Sad as it was, I did have a pretty big stock. Of the Girl Scout cookies, I mean. Grandmother was scared of them 'Those little midgets knowthings, if you don't buy their cookies-they will get you.'

  That was her response when at age 7 I asked Grandmother why she kept buying them when we already had 10 packets of the things. My Grandfather, of course, thought this was hilarious. He drew a picture of one of the little Girl Scouts and stuck it on the TV screen, Grandmother screamed.

  All the while I was thinking 'Gee, Grandmother, they only know how to tie reef knots and half hitches. They also help old ladies like you cross the road, why should you be scared of them?' When I pointed this out to her she just shook her head and gave the door a weary look. Oh, and she batted me on the head with a newspaper for calling her old.

  The girl chuckled at me "Oh, I'd say you do want what I'm selling. It's free."

  Well, I guess that was supposed to reassure me. It didn't.

  "Love." She said simply and I quirked an eyebrow at her "Oh, not mine."

  She gave me a reassuring smile, but it just made me suspicious. If it wasn't hers, whose was it? Besides, if love was free why do they sell expensive chocolate in pretty little boxes on Valentines Day? It was practically a crime these days to not give your Sweetheart some expensive chocolates or obscenely priced stuffed toy carrying a heart on Valentines Day.

  "I'm the matchmaker of this school." She announced with a cheerful grin.

  My jaw dropped, she was Trinity? The Trinity? Damn, what had I done to get her chasing me around?

  I opened my mouth to say something but was cut off before I could "She doesn't need your help."

  Looking up I saw The Pervert looking towards her, a frown on his face. Trinity only giggled into a palm "If you say so."

  "But," she smirked "If you ever need any help catching this little filly let me know."

  The Pervert considerably reddened whereas I blinked dumbly at her, he needed help catching a young female horse? "What?"

  "With this one," she said chuckling at my expense "you might need it."

  She returned back to her original table, book in hand.

  "What a strange girl." I snorted scratching my head "Don't you think so Pervert Boy?"

  He shrugged and kept his eyes on the chocolate bar, avoiding my gaze. Curious, very curious.

  "Cake?" I offered him a piece but he shook his head with a smile, I sent him an inquiring look.

  "Not just yet," he said opening his mouth wide "I'm full up at the minute."

  "Gross." I said making a face at him; he had given me full frontal view of mushed up chocolate cookie. Now that doesn't ruin my appetite at all.

  "Reese tastes so good!" he grinned at me holding up his cookie.

  "Oh shut up." I told him with a roll of my eyes, I would never hear the end of this.

  * * *

  "Miss Anderson! When I said draw an image that has something to do with today's world issues, I didn't mean for you to draw the world as a giant swimming pool!" Miss Arvaile spat in fury, stamping a foot.

  "Miss," I protested "it's supposed to represent global warming!"

  "It-it's got pictures of smiling sea animals! Is global warming supposed to be a positive thing?!" she wanted to know. Really now, I think she should be taking detention with me. Mr Screwd could teach her a few things 'yelling is like killing a puppy, do you want to kill a puppy?'.

  "Well, it would be for the sea creatures. More paddling space." I said with a nod, I was only speaking the truth.

  "Miss Anderson," Miss Arvaile sighed into a hand, shuddering "I-I think I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room."

  Gees, who knew you could give a teacher a mental breakdown with just a badly drawn picture of the world covered by water and dancing penguins.

  I stood there waiting, turning my picture around in my hands. Miss Arvaile rose an eyebrow up at me "Reese, I believe I asked you to leave."

  "Well, not exactly." I said matter-of-factly "You said you were going to have to, you haven't yet."

  "Reese-" she was interrupted by the bell and her face suddenly lit up "Class dismissed!"

  Like she needed to tell me that.

  Heading to my locker and then shoving my stuff in there I found myself being tapped on the shoulder "Hi Reese."

  I turned around, after slamming my locker shut and getting my bag "Hi Pervert boy."

  "Guess what the girls drew for me in VCD?" he snickered holding something behind his back.

  "What?" I inquired passively, I mean, any girl that drew him something had to have something wrong with them.

  He shoved a bunch of pictures in my face and I nearly fell over in horror. They were pictures of him. It's not that that horrified me; it was the fact that in them he was...missing something. Like, I dunno, his clothes?

  "Oh my god!" I shoved the pictures away, my face burning red. Why on earth did he shove that in my face for Gods sake? I mean, I guess the pictures only strayed like a centimetre from his stomach (in real terms not to scale). Saving me from seeing his ahem, inguinal ligaments.

  "Aren't they talented?" he wanted to know. Forget about my request from earlier in the day, someone shoot him. Well, not saying I still didn't need shooting. God knows I shouldn't be turning red about this, oh and thinking 'em, gee, is that what he really looks like?' Which, you know, Ishouldn't be thinking.

  "The question is," I managed to stammer "are they messed up?!"

  "Oh," he snickered with a devilish grin "you're just jealous."

  "I think not." I snorted rolling my eyes at him, what's there to be jealous of? "Anyway, are you going to tell me what that letter meant?"

  For some reason, anger flashed through his features "Are you that freaking dense?"

  "Did you fall out of a tree and hit your head or something? Don't you remember me at all, Reese?" he demanded with obvious contempt "You know what? Forget I ever said-or wrote-anything."

  "R-Remington-" I called after him, but he was already too far gone. Not even saying his real name could make him turn back, he had also dropped one of his pictures. I picked it up and stared at his-all-nakedness forlornly, what had I done?

  I sighed walking along the hallway in a kind of daze. Why had my question affected him so?

  A few metres down the hallway I was brought out of my trance because of a heart wrenching sob let out from somewhere in the corridors.
<
br />   Spinning into action I tore through the corridors to find a sobbing Kelly and an angry looking boyfriend.

  "What are you doing?" I demanded pulling up to the couple-or ex couple-and pointing a finger at what looked like the QB of our football team. Lance Crawford.

  "Don't you but in Anderson," he threatened me with a menacing shake of his head "or you'll be sorry."

  "I don't think so Crawford," I snarled, glaring at him "do you want to be beat up by a girl? It wouldn't look too good our schools QB getting beat up by one teeny little girl."

  He laughed at that one and I quirked an eyebrow. Sure, maybe I was a girl, but I could beat his ass any day.

  "Look," Kelly hissed "leave her alone Lance, she isn't part of this ok? We're through."

  His jaw dropped and he shot her an angry look before he stormed out of the school, slamming the door behind him. He wasn't happy, obviously..

  "And you," she hissed at me "I don't need your help or your pity, ok?"

  She started to storm out after him but spun around at the last moment "Uh, is that a picture of-"

  "What picture?" I snorted defensively holding it behind my back.

  "Right." She said raising an eyebrow at me before continuing down the corridor "You're one weird little wagon..."

  Oh great, I just hope she didn't see that properly. God knows people think I am weird enough as is.

  I guess there are worse things than people thinking you have problems you-know-where.

  Chapter 12: Stealing my Dramatic Exit

  -

  He had ignored me all through English and maths this morning, pretending to be interested in the girl in the next seat's conversation about concealer. Then he ignored me all through detention, choosing to talk to the Panda girl instead. I mean whatever, I don't care. I just had to sit there nodding as the guy next to me went on about cars, honestly. I really don't care about your car dude, even if it has 'sweet mags'.

  And well, Sose, that I spent making up my own island. It was what I was meant to do of course, but the teacher didn't really appreciate the fact that the mayor of my island was a Barbie doll and, oh, that she had declared war on G.I. Jane. Or technically, G.I. Jane had declared war on her.