The Education of Sebastian

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

I heard Sebastian’s oath as if from a great distance but I couldn’t move.

  The banging on the door started again.

  “Caro!”

  Sebastian’s panicked voice unfroze me. He was thrashing about, dressing as quickly as possible. There was nowhere to hide. He couldn’t get down the stairs and out through the back without being seen. This was every nightmare I’d imagined, played in fast forward.

  I pulled my robe around me more tightly.

  The pounding started again.

  “Caro! Get the fucking door!” mouthed Sebastian.

  I ran down the stairs and stumbled to a halt. I took a deep breath and pulled the door open.

  “Delivery, ma’am,” said a man in a red and yellow DHL uniform as he handed me a large parcel. “Sign here, please.”

  I started giggling: I couldn’t help it.

  “Are you okay, ma’am?”

  “Yes!” I gasped, wiping tears of relief from my face.

  He gave me a strange look and headed back to his van shaking his head. Hysterical woman alert: just walk away.

  I sank to the floor and began to cry in earnest, more from shock than anything else. Sebastian came down the stairs and sat on the floor next to me.

  “Fuck! That scared the shit out of me! Don’t cry, Caro. It’s okay.”

  He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and rocked me slowly.

  Eventually, he pulled me up off the floor.

  “Come on. Let’s get some breakfast. I’ll make you one of my special omelets.”

  “I thought you couldn’t cook,” I said, my voice still shaky from the adrenaline rush.

  “I can’t – that’s why it’s special.”

  He sat me at the kitchen table and started rummaging through the fridge.

  “How many eggs do I need?”

  “How hungry are you?”

  “Starving!”

  Of course.

  “Then get six. And you’ll need to add a drop of milk in the mixture.”

  He peered at me from around the door.

  “Really? Milk? Oh, okay.”

  He frowned and disappeared back inside the fridge.

  I stood up to fetch the frying pan and mixing bowl but he waved me back to the table.

  “I can manage,” he said confidently, as he turned on the stove and placed the frying pan on top.

  I waited for a moment, twitching in my chair. I had to speak.

  “Um, Sebastian?”

  “What?” he said, staring intently at the eggs as he whisked them sloppily.

  “The frying pan is getting really hot and you haven’t put any oil in it…”

  “Oh, fuck!”

  He pulled the pan off the stove and swore as the hot metal burned his wrist.

  “Quick! Run your hand under the faucet!”

  He stood with his hand under the running water cursing softly. He really was adorable and I couldn’t help grinning at him.

  “What?”

  “Will you let me help you now?”

  “Okay,” he said reluctantly. “You can help.”

  In a calmer, more organized fashion, I showed him how to make a plain omelet, seasoning it with black pepper and a little salt; fried some tomatoes to go on the side, put on a pot of coffee and breakfast, or rather brunch, was ready.

  “By the way,” I said, a thought occurring to me, “what were you planning on doing – you know, if it had been someone… else at the door?”

  “Fucked if I know,” he said honestly. “Climb out the window, hide under the bed? Any suggestions?”

  “Not the window – you could fall and get hurt. Besides, that window is right above the front door – it would have been kind of obvious.”

  “I could have flattened the bastard,” said Sebastian easily.

  While I went back upstairs to shower, Sebastian insisted on clearing away the dishes, which was a novelty for me. I hoped he would manage not to break anything.

  I’d just finished rinsing the conditioner out of my hair when the shower door opened and Sebastian pressed his chest against my back.

  “Mmm, you smell great,” he said approvingly.

  “Sebastian!” I said, my voice a warning, as he ran his hands over my breasts and kissed my neck. “We don’t have time for this.”

  “I’ll be quick,” he mumbled into my skin.

  I didn’t even try to resist him.

  Which made us horribly late.

  “I told you!” I said crossly, as the highway traffic congealed in front of us. “You’re going to be late and get fired!”

  “It was worth it,” he grinned, reclining his seat all the way back and pulling his sunglasses over his eyes.

  He was acting like he hadn’t a care in the world. How did he do it?

  “Look, I’ll drop you around the back of the country club; you haven’t got time to run down from the entrance.”

  “Whatever,” he said carelessly.

  I shook my head, a little irritated, even though I was just as much to blame.

  I drove too fast down the avenue leading to the club and skidded into my favorite parking lot at the back.

  “When can I see you again?” he said, curling his fingers into my hair.

  “Tomorrow morning?”

  “That’s ages away. Can’t you sneak out tonight? I mean, you’re in the guest room – he’ll never know, right?”

  “Sebastian, I don’t think so. It’s too risky. We’ve just got to be careful for three more months and that’s it. After that you’ll see me every day and you’ll soon be sick of me.”

  “That’s not funny,” he said frowning.

  “Sorry. Bad joke.”

  He sighed. “Okay, tomorrow, then.”

  Instead of getting out of the car, he pulled me towards him and we kissed with the desperation of our imminent separation.

  For a moment, he leaned his forehead against mine, and then pushed open the passenger door. And froze.

  Ches was staring right at us – and from the shock on his face it was obvious he’d seen everything.

  The floor dropped away and I stared back at him in horror.

  “Fucking luck,” said Sebastian bitterly. “Let me go talk to him: it’ll be fine, Caro, I promise.”

  My hands locked on the steering wheel as Sebastian walked towards his friend. For three of the longest minutes of my life, I watched them talk. Well, Sebastian seemed to be doing most of the talking; in fact it looked like he was pleading with Ches. It was a twisted replay of yesterday’s scene with Brenda, except this time it was Sebastian who was doing the begging.

  Ches’s body language was hostile, his arms folded across his chest, his face stiff and angry. Eventually I saw him nod curtly then stalk off in the direction of the clubhouse.

  Sebastian looked upset as he got back in the car and pulled the door shut.

  “He’s cool,” he said, an expression of pain on his face.

  “What did he say?” I whispered.

  “He promised not to say anything.”

  “He didn’t look very happy about it.”

  Sebastian sighed. “He wasn’t.”

  “What did he say?”

  Sebastian shook his head.

  “Please tell me,” I said softly. “I’d rather know.”

  “It doesn’t matter – the important thing is that he won’t tell anyone.”

  “Please tell me,” I repeated, quietly.

  “Why?” said Sebastian, angrily. “What difference does it make? He’s just pissed at me generally.”

  “I thought you wanted us to be honest with each other,” I reminded him gently.

  His temper exploded.

  “Why do you do this, Caro? Why do you have to drag out every last fucking, miserable word? Why can’t you just let it go?”

  “How the hell am I supposed to ‘let it go’?” I snarled, my fear and anger getting the better of me. “I’m the one who’ll be prosecuted if Ches tells anyone!”

  “He won’t!” shouted Seb
astian.

  “Well, I’m glad you trust him so much!” I yelled back, “Because he’s the loose-lipped idiot who told Brenda that you got a job here!”

  “What the fuck has Brenda got to do with this?”

  “Nothing! Everything! I don’t know! Just tell me what Ches said – I need to know!”

  “He said I was a stupid fucking asshole for screwing a married woman who probably just wanted to get her rocks off for the summer and he hoped the fucks were worth it because my dad would beat the shit out of me when he found out. Happy now?”

  He looked away from me and slammed his fist against the car door.

  I dug my fingernails into the palms of my hand, refusing to cry.

  We sat there in silence for several minutes, the atmosphere tense and angry.

  “You’d better get to work,” I said at last in a low voice.

  He stared at me coldly then flung open the door and stormed off.

  I kept waiting for him to turn back or turn and look at me – some slight acknowledgement. But he didn’t.

  Bile rose in my throat and I hurriedly leaned out of the car and vomited, watching my brunch slowly sink into the gravel.

  I drove home feeling weak and shaky.

  All afternoon I waited for Sebastian to text me, but he didn’t. A dozen times I picked up my cell to send a message, but I didn’t.

  When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I tapped out five letters.

  * Sorry *

  Why had I forced Sebastian to repeat Ches’s angry words? Why did I continue to allow my pathetic insecurities to spoil the best thing that had ever happened to me? Was it some form of deliberate self-destruction, some way of proving that I didn’t deserve Sebastian’s love? And it must be love: why else would he put up with my ridiculous outbursts and lead-weighted emotional baggage? Because it sure wasn’t for the fun.

  Feeling wretched, I tidied up the guest bedroom, my bedroom, and contemplated the sorry state of my life. I really had an amazing talent for making a complete fuck-up of everything. If the military could bottle that negative energy, they’d have one helluva weapon of mass destruction.

  As I hung up my robe, a thought occurred to me: something I’d forgotten about in the whirlwind of the last three weeks. I reached into the pocket and pulled out the lock of Sebastian’s hair that I’d saved from the bathroom floor the night I’d found him at the park, the night we’d made love together that very first time. His hair was light brown near the root, bleached by the sun to a golden blond at the ends: the surfer boy he’d been when I first met him.

  I took an envelope from David’s study and carefully sealed the lock inside, simply writing Sebastian’s name and the date across the corner. Then I placed it between the pages of my copy of Lolita – a book so profane that I knew David would never so much as touch its dust jacket; it was also my private joke – not that I felt like laughing. In fact it was everything I could do to keep from crying.

  And I knew I was on borrowed time with David: he wouldn’t take another night of me sleeping in the guest room without some sort of explanation.

  I had two choices. I could lie:

  ‘I’m fine, I just need some space’.

  Or I could tell part of the truth:

  ‘Our marriage is over and I want a divorce. No, there’s no one else’.

  Either way, I was scared of what he’d do. His temper was so unpredictable, I didn’t know what would happen if I pushed him to extremes. Discussing divorce certainly constituted ‘extreme’ in anyone’s book.

  I wandered into the kitchen to make something for his supper. Without even being aware of my movements, I threw together a lasagna and tossed it into the oven.

  It was a quarter after six and I was beginning to wonder where David was when I suddenly remembered it was his formal dinner at the officer’s mess. He was right: I really should check the schedule more often.

  I pulled the lasagna out of the oven and dumped it on the side. I considered throwing it in the garbage but I hated to waste food. David could have it reheated in the microwave tomorrow. He was going to have to get used to microwaved meals once we were separated: I figured he may as well start getting in some practice now.

  The thought made me feel a little better. I decided to risk checking my phone. Maybe there would be a message from Sebastian, or maybe I could just torture myself a little more by seeing that he hadn’t responded.

  But he had.

  * Me 2 *

  God, I loved that man.

  I sent another quick message.

  * Can I c u tonite?

  I can get away for a while if u can.

  What time u finish? Pick u up? *

  His reply was immediate.

  * 10 *

  * I’ll be there *

  * :) *

  With those few words on a plastic screen, happiness flooded through me.

  And then I remembered Ches: I hoped I wouldn’t have to face him again today. It had been bad enough seeing the look on his face this morning; and it had been beyond horrible fighting with Sebastian. I just wanted to be able to see him and touch him and have him hold me and utter the sweet lie that it was going to be okay.

  It really wasn’t my day.

  He was waiting for me: ‘he’ being Ches, not Sebastian.

  He was leaning against his van in the rear parking lot where he’d seen us earlier in the day. He folded his arms as I drove up and threw me a look of such contempt and loathing that my stomach gave an unhappy lurch. I wanted nothing more than to hit the accelerator and drive in the opposite direction and get the hell out of Dodge.

  Gathering strength from some unknown place, long hidden, I took a deep breath and got out of the car to face him.

  “Hello, Ches.”

  “Mrs. Wilson,” he said, emphasizing the ‘Mrs.’.

  He scowled at me, challenging me to speak.

  “I can guess what you think of me,” I said softly.

  “Can you?” he said coolly, raising an eyebrow in disbelief and disgust.

  “You think I’m just using Sebastian, but it’s not like that.”

  “Then tell me what it is like,” he sneered, “because I’d really like to know. Seb is my friend and you...”

  “I don’t want to hurt him,” I said, forcing the words out as my throat began to constrict.

  “Yeah? Well, you’re doing a really great job there! His head is completely spun; he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. You’ve messed him up real good.”

  I choked on my reply but he wasn’t going to give me time to recover.

  “You’ve met his dad. Do you know how many times he’s beat the shit out of him? Have you any idea what he’ll do to him when he finds out about this?” His voice was bitter. “Yeah, the military hero will really freak out, his son bringing shame on the good family name of Hunter and all that crap, by banging a married woman.”

  I had no words.

  He glared at me.

  “And what about when your husband finds out? I suppose you’ll dump Seb so fast that…”

  “I’m leaving David.”

  I spoke so quietly I wasn’t sure he’d heard me at first.

  “What?”

  I looked up. “I’m going to ask David for a divorce.”

  He stared at me, then shook his head.

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “It’s true. We… I… as soon as Sebastian turns 18.”

  “You’re full of shit.”

  “No, she’s not.”

  Sebastian’s voice came out of the darkness and I closed my eyes in relief. He walked up and put his arm around my shoulders, kissing me quickly on the lips.

  “Hey, baby.”

  Then he turned to his friend.

  “We’re just waiting till I’m 18 and then I’m legally free of my family. We’re going to go to New York.” He pulled me closer and nuzzled my hair. “I’ve found us an apartment. It’s in Bensonhurst – it said on this website that they call it Brookly
n’s Little Italy. I thought you’d like that.”

  He smiled at me then looked back at Ches who was staring in outrage and astonishment.

  “What the fuck you talking about, man? New York?”

  “Yes, as soon as we can, and as far away as we can get.”

  “But… New York?”

  “Caro’s going to work while I go to school. And I’ll get a job, as well. We’ve got it all worked out.”

  “Are you crazy, dude?”

  I thought Sebastian would lose his temper, but he just carried on talking, his voice even.

  “We know it won’t be easy but we want to be together. It’s the only way.”

  Ches blinked, opening and closing his mouth several times. “Why didn’t you tell me, man?” He sounded hurt.

  “We didn’t want to tell anyone because… we couldn’t. Caro is breaking the law by being with me.”

  It was clear Ches was in shock: he stood and gaped at us.

  “I’m under age,” continued Sebastian softly. “If anyone found out… if anyone reported us, it’s a felony – because of… the age difference.” He shrugged. “Caro could go to jail. That’s why I couldn’t tell you.”

  “Wow, I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know!” said Ches helplessly.

  “She’s taking a huge risk. She wanted us to wait but… I couldn’t stay away from her. So if anyone is to blame, it’s me.” He looked Ches directly in the eye. “I think you owe her an apology.”

  I touched his arm. “It’s okay, Sebastian. He was just looking out for you. I understand.”

  Ches looked mortified. “I didn’t know! I just thought… is it that serious? I mean, what could happen to her?”

  He seemed to be having a hard time taking it in. I couldn’t blame him: I still had a hard time with the concept of being loved so much, of being so much in love that it hurt.

  Sebastian nodded and I stared at the ground feeling a mixture of pride and shame in our confession.

  “I’m… I’m sorry, Caroline,” said Ches, shaking his head. “You guys… wow… I…”

  “Thank you,” I said quietly. I looked up at Sebastian. “I’ll go wait in the car.”

  They talked for a few more minutes while I sat and waited and watched. Eventually Ches pulled Sebastian into a bear hug and then patted him on the arm. I guessed he was telling him it was going to be alright.

  Sebastian opened the passenger door and slumped down onto the seat.