by L. Ann Marie
"I know I'm not a slave anymore. I'm happy with who I'm supposed to be, but Patches doesn't see me like that anymore. All he sees is the slave." She looks sad but she's sure of her words.
"Maybe you misunderstood?" Fuck I hope she did.
"I thought so but the whore from the club, the dark haired one, said everything he did right back to him, she was on his lap. I know I got it right."
I'm going to fuckin kill him. She doesn't deserve that disrespect. I open my door and deep breathe around the truck. Opening her door I pull her out kissing her head and hugging her to me. "Let's bring Max for his walk." She nods and follows holding my hand. I stop bringing her to my side. She's not fuckin walking behind me. She's done nothing to deserve this. She will not be lower than a fuckin whore that chooses to be a whore.
On our way back my dad and Kate are walking toward us. Dad sees right off something is wrong. Kate hugs Tess and starts waking ahead holding her hand. My dad slows. "I came home and found Patches yelling at her like she was some fuckin piece of trash. She just told me he sees her as a slave and everyone knows that's all she'll be. This is confirmed by Darlene at the club when she said the same words back to him from his lap. Tess watched it."
"What the fuck is this all about? Ben says she helped clear the garage today. He didn't notice anything or he would have said." My dad is pissed.
"Something with the top she had on, it was a halter but she was completely covered. Her back was open but she wasn't showing any other skin. I don't know what the fuck his problem is. She was afraid to pick the wrong clothes to go eat tonight."
"Fuckin Patches. I'll see if Ben can go talk to him. I just want to hit him. I've been around her every fuckin day, I've never seen her wear anything even close to inappropriate and we're a fuckin MC.
He's right to send Ben. I want to beat the fuck out of him. We catch up to the women. I take Tess’ hand and walk her home.
Tess
I wish I could go back to dreams. I want to see if we still have twins and play at the beach. I want to see Patches in my dream. What if something changed the outcome? Rich sits in the living room. He's mad at Patches. I'm not really, I was a slave. I was so happy they wanted me knowing that. Something changed and Patches doesn't like it and doesn't want me anymore. I can't blame him. I was a disgusting mess. I wonder if Rich will change his mind too? I could work and live in an apartment somewhere. His phone rings and he walks out the back. Maybe it’s Patches.
Patches
Bob fuckin yells at me for being so stupid. Maybe he’s right. She was covered but the fuckin Prospects were talking shit about the whores and slaves in Laconia. Every fuckin person here knows she was a slave. They want to try one out. I wonder if they tried her out. Fuckin Hell. I can’t get it out of my head. I text Rich back. I need to get my fuckin head straight. Maybe get fuckin drunk and crash so this shit will go away for a while. I wait for the Prospect to open the gate. There are so many fuckin Prospects now I don’t even know their names. Rob pulls in right behind me.
“Just who I was looking for.” He says when I get out. What now?
“What can I do for you Rob?” I’m not looking to help anyone right now. I’m looking for Jim or Jack in a big fuckin glass.
“I think it’s what I can do for you that matters right now. Tess saw you with Darlene. You were telling her how Tess will always be just a slave and everyone will always know that. You do this with Darlene sitting on your lap. Luckily you haven’t gone in yet. Tess thinks you don’t want her. Danny asked Ben to talk to you but he wants to hit you before he talks so he called me for one of my interventions. Consider this it. Let’s go get a drink while we figure it out.” He puts his hand on my shoulder and walks me in.
“Fuck. Why the fuck does she think I don’t want her? I was pissed and left but I never said I didn’t want her.”
“I think it was the yelling at her paired with the vision of you with Darlene and that whole conversation that gave her the idea. Add that to you leaving and not coming back to apologize or calling. What do you expect her to think? Did you know Rich found her asleep on the safe room floor, curled in a ball like when she was a slave? She’s wondering if Rich will change his mind about her too. He picked that up from her right before he answered my call. ”
“Fuck! I need to talk to her.” I turn to go but he stops me.
“I think we should talk first. You were yelling at Tess. You need to figure out how to deal with one thing at a time here. A lot happened in a short amount of time. Let’s take them one by one and get it straight so when she asks the first question you can answer it.” As we’re walking I see Darlene and look the other way. I don’t want to be with the fuckin whores.
Fuck he’s right. I sit at the bar throwing chin to my Brothers and order a double jack. Rob gets a beer. “Why were you so pissed that you were yelling at Tess?” Fuck first fuckin question.
“She was wearing this halter top while we were helping Ben get some boxes sorted with four Prospects. Ben noticed the ink she had done. The Prospects noticed showing appreciation. It’s a fuckin work of art but then they started talking about Laconia and how they were going to try some whores and slaves. I was getting more pissed as they were talking. Her and Ben didn’t even flinch. She knows she was a slave so she doesn’t care what they say. I fuckin did.” Every fuckin one knows she was a slave.
“They were fuckin talking about slaves right in front of her and Ben and Ben didn’t say anything? She has his protection.” He looks pissed.
“I don’t know what he heard. He was working fast trying to get rid of the boxes.” He was surprised when Tess asked him a question. He forgot she was there.” Fuck, maybe he didn’t hear.
“Was Tess close to them?”
“No she was on the other side folding clothes. Fuck, she probably didn’t hear either.” I am such a dick. “I was yelling at her in the house thinking she didn’t care.” Fuck.
He turns and looks at me. “Patch, do you think maybe the Prospects don’t know she was a slave? It’s not like anyone talks about it. Even if they did, it wasn’t a choice she had. She didn’t choose to go with the Outlaws. She was stolen from a church where 22 people were gunned down. She could easily have been killed along with them.” He turns away from me.
Fuck. Rich was fuckin right again. “Since they’re Prospects maybe they didn’t know. I’m such a dick. I stepped over the line. I was screaming at her. She must have been terrified.” I think about what he said. “She hid in the safe room and fell asleep on the floor. I made her act like a slave in her own fuckin house. Fuck.” I need to tell her what was going through my head. Maybe she’ll forgive me by Christmas.
“What about what started this, her top. I’ve never known Tess to dress provocative. Is this something new she bought?”
“I don’t think she’s ever gone shopping except for a dress me and Rich took her for in Newport to go dancing. She only wears what the women got her when she first got here. I sent Anita and Karen for clothes…Fuck. She only has what someone else bought her. She’s never even been shopping for herself. Rich was right. I stepped way over the line. What the fuck am I supposed to say besides I’m an ass?” Fuck, she isn’t going to talk to me. I can’t even blame her.
“Patches, do you think you might be sabotaging this whole thing with Tess?” He’s watching for my reaction.
Why the fuck would I be doing this on purpose? “Why do you ask that?”
“This isn’t the first time you’ve jumped before you thought. If you’re always pushing people away you’re not going to get hurt. It wasn’t that long ago you were completely alone. You liked your life like that. You had a guarantee you wouldn’t be hurt again.” He’s looking right in my eyes. He really thinks I’m pushing her away. With her I’m pushing Rich away. They are the two people that could hurt me the most.
Fuck. Is that what I’m doing? “I want to tell you no fuckin way. I can’t do that right now though. I’m not sure. Both Tess and Rich can hurt me. I seem to bounce fr
om being really happy with everything to hurting them. Really hurting Tess but that hurts Rich.”
He nods. “The good part of realizing it is you can get help knowing you need it. The bad part is you have to go home and admit it to the two people you keep hurting after you just fucked up.” He fuckin smiles.
I drop my head. “Can you give me a ride home? I don’t want to do anything else that I could fuckup right now. I’d probably drive into a fuckin tree or something.”
He laughs and slaps my back. “Let’s get you home. You’ve got some groveling to do. Make up sex is awesome though.” I follow him out thinking I’ll be lucky if they let me sleep in the fuckin house.
He dials his phone before he starts his truck. “I’m on my way with Patches. I walked in with him and I’m driving him home. He didn’t talk to anyone else while we were here. Glad to help Brother.” He drops the phone on the seat. “Maybe that gets you in the same room tonight.” He smiles. I don’t say a fuckin word.
At the house I thank him and walk in. I hit the alarm and drag myself into the living room. They’re on the couch. The tv is on the news. I sit right in front of them and explain why I was so pissed about her shirt and what Bob and Rob said. I tell them I’ll see the therapist tomorrow and keep at it until I’m fixed. I apologize to Tess for treating her so badly and forcing her into a role she didn’t deserve to be in because of my fucked up mind. Then I apologize to Rich for fuckin up again causing him to protect Tess from me and my fucked up head.”
Rich looks at Tess. She gets up and climbs into my lap. “You scared me today. I can deal with scared if you promise to talk about what’s really going on. If you leave, then we don’t know and do just what you did. We believe what’s in our head forgetting what’s in our hearts. I love you Patches. I want this to work, so if you need me at your therapy just say so and I’ll be there. I’m scared just like you are. I’m afraid you both will change your minds and not want me anymore. I can’t change what happened to me. It will always be there.”
I hug her burying my head in her hair. “I love you Tess just the way you are. Thank you.”
She gets up kissing my cheek and bends to Rich. I don’t hear what she tells him. I’m so fuckin happy she forgives me after the way I treated her. When she stands she tells us she’ll see us in bed.
I look at Rich and wait. He’s watching her go up the stairs, when he doesn’t see her anymore he looks back at me. He’s pissed. He has every right to be. “I’m glad you’re going back to therapy. I understand your need to push people away for them not to hurt you. Twice now your fuckin head dictated your actions and forced Tess into slave mode. Twice you fuckin left me to deal with the fuckin mess you created while you walked the fuck away. How many times do I have to see the woman I love treated like a piece of shit before I step in and say no more? How do you expect me to trust you Patches? I’m afraid of how you talk to her when I’m not around. What the fuck else can jump into your head and make you act like a fuckin moron to the woman that loves you? She sat here thinking I would drop her as easily as you did. Your shit is starting to taint me Patches. Do you think she’ll forget about the plans she sat here making if I fuckin walked. You put that doubt in her head.” He stops. He has more to say but thank fuck he stops.
What can I say that will make him see I want this to work? I’m so fuckin scared they’ll walk on me, I didn’t even notice I was the one pushing them away. “I want to tell you this is the last time I’ll hurt Tess and it be the truth. I’m going to the therapist to deal with what’s in my head. I plan on this being forever so telling you it’s the last time would be a lie. I’m bound to fuck up again. I will work hard to make sure I never force her into slave mode. I’ve never yelled at Tess before and don’t plan on it again. I’m sorry I left you to deal with my shit but I’m so fuckin glad you were here to deal with it. I sure as fuck couldn’t. I know what I lost here today. I’ll work to get it back. I don’t even know how right now but I’ll earn it back.”
He nods and stands. I have no fuckin clue if he’s going to punch me out or what. He walks by and goes up the stairs. I sit thinking; I wish he would have beat the fuck out of me.
Forty Six
One week
Rich
Patches comes in and smiles at us. I got over wanting to punch him in the face a few days ago. Now I'm just weary of anything new that can pop in his head. "How was therapy?" I ask as he bends to kiss Tess.
"It was good. I think the twice a week is good; it feels like I can throw everything out there right away. Like ripping off a band aid." He's still smiling.
"Good. I have to say I'm relieved by that." I tell him honestly.
Tess smiles and leans over to kiss me. "Thank you." She says softly against my lips. I think she's had enough of my stubborn behavior and is happy to see me give him something more than civil words and one word answers. I'm glad she let me get here myself though. She stands. "I'm going with Kate and Ally shopping. I can get a new bathing suit today." She stops looking excited and looks down. What the hell? I wait her out. "Should I look for anything specific?" She asks softly. Fuckin Patches.
"No!" I growl out. "We are NOT picking your fuckin clothes. Your body, your comfort, your choice." She nods to me then looks at Patches.
Patches
"I hate that I made you have to ask. Hopefully this will be the last time you have to. Don't doubt yourself, buy what you want baby." I did this. Fuck. Rich throws chin. At least he's happy about that.
He's fishing in his wallet, pulling out a card he hands it to her. "I forgot to give you this, it's already activated just sign the back." He kisses her lips telling her there's no limit and have fun.
She smiles adding it to her wallet then kisses my cheek and bounces out the door. She's so fuckin excited to shop for her own clothes. I should have thought to get her a card. "I should call Kate so she knows she doesn't have a limit."
"I talked to Kate a couple of days ago. Tess probably won't say but she was worried about holes in her jeans and a zipper is broke on shorts or something. Kate will get her straight." He puts his cup in the sink.
"Fuck. Why don’t I know this shit? I still need to get her a card." I mumble to myself.
"The card is from an account I had Te Jess set up. Five percent of what we make is direct deposited into that account for the house. It started this week. I told Tess to use it for clothes, to curtains, whatever she needs or wants for the house. I started it off with ten grand. Te Jess thinks that's enough for now unless she gets furniture or something like that. I have a notification being sent to us every month so we can keep up with it. I don't want her to have to ask for money. Ever. I put the information and password to the account in an email to you last week. I'm only saying that because you've been busy and I see it." He turns and looks at me.
"Thanks. I should have thought about that." Why the fuck am I always playing catch up?
"Here's the thing Patches, after the top fiasco I decided she needs to shop for herself. She never went school shopping as a kid, never went anywhere because she was homeschooled and hidden. As an adult she needs to learn about money and what her own style is. I asked Te Jess and she suggested the house account. I put enough for her to explore and learn. I did this on my own because I was pissed. I sent the information so you'd know and NOT feel slighted. I didn't do it for any other reason. You're playing catch up because it's been a busy fuckin week for you. My week has been slow, I picked up the slack. When I'm busy I expect you'll do the same for me." Looking at me he's waiting.
He answered what was in my head. "The mind thing is starting to freak me the fuck out."
"To tell you the truth I like it in this setting. I don't think you know how I felt seeing Tess on the fuckin floor or making plans for when I dropped her or seeing you yell at her like she was lower than shit. Those things haven't gone away by me understanding your reasoning. They have lessened and will probably go away in time but knowing what's in your fuckin head at any given time hel
ps me get a little closer to not worrying all fuckin day. I have no fuckin idea why you feel less deserving, less a partner, less of a man. I know that's getting better for you and I want you to hurry the fuck up with it, but you need to do this at your pace so hopefully I will never have to fuckin deal with it again. You do more than you see; you're my fuckin Officer on top of that. Get the fuck over the not good enough shit. You're the only one who thinks like that." He's not mad, not talking down to me just matter of fact.
I search for the words. "Thank you for putting up with all that shit. I'm working on it. You've shown me over and over, that you feel that way. Tess feels that way, it's my head that is fucked. I am trying, every little thing I miss or forget throws me, it shows me what I'm lacking."
"Patches what the fuck do you think we'd be eating if not for you shopping? Checking the maid service? Handling the yard service? Being a fuckin taxi for Tess? I feel like I should be doing more too. It's not something only you suffer from Brother. Doc was right when he said it takes two of us to deal with all the extra baggage Tess comes with. I smile doing my part but I know I couldn't do it alone. Barking orders to a group of Geeks and scheduling Brothers is not even close to handling the kids in fuckin soccer dad mode. I love my family but I couldn't do what you do day in and day out on top of shuttling Tess. I'd go fuckin nuts. Let me handle the things I do. I'm fuckin ecstatic when I come home and find fuckin beer I didn't have to chase and lug back. Be happy I made a phone call and opened a fuckin envelope with her card in it. It's not complicated and it's certainly not a competition. Otherwise you’ve already won."
"Fuck. You never talk so much unless you're pissed. Thanks, it helps to know what you're thinking."
"Don't get used to it. Tiny is probably on his way now with cases of fuckin tampons. I told Tess and now you, love is fuckin scary as hell. Giving someone your trust is not easy; having faith that they'll use it with your best interest at heart is fuckin hard. You used to trust me that way. I'd like to get back to that so Tess can feel it too. I'm going for a ride while Tess is out. I was going to New Bedford for dinner if you're interested in going." He smiles for the first time. "Taking the bike by the water on the way home, I thought Tess would like that."