by Marilyn Grey
For once, I felt the same. I loved him. My best friend. The only one who knew me. Really, really knew me. And I thought maybe ... maybe I'd finally fallen in love with him.
And maybe I could finally tell him.
Chapter 28
After breakfast, Donovan and I traveled to the Mentmore Towers, used in Batman Begins, only to find out that I was wrong. We couldn't visit, but a local guy told us we could visit Mentmore Golf and Country Club, then walk parts of the Rothschild Course near the fourteenth and fifteenth holes to get a closer look and maybe snap a picture. Can't say it didn't bum me out, but I had been so distracted with Donovan that it didn't bother me that much. He wanted to go out to dinner later and I planned to tell him the truth over our meal, but throughout the day he kept checking his phone for messages from Han and I was starting to question if it was the right time. And as I questioned ... I felt less in love with him by the minute, to the point that I wondered if I had only dreamed that I was. But no. I knew what I felt. I just didn't understand why the feelings never lingered around.
Not that I believed love was totally based on feelings, but they should have some kind of place in the mix, right?
Donovan and I pretended to play golf throughout the morning as we made it to the view of the house. He took a picture of me with it in the background, then a picture of the back of me as I stared at it. This probably sounds ultra dorky, I know. Not too many people understand my Batman obsession or why it felt so amazing to look at that house, but I loved every second of it and so badly wanted to go inside.
Donovan pulled me toward him and snapped a picture of us both. I smiled as I wondered if it would be our last adventure together as friends. Maybe we'd finally be more.
My phone beeped. Alistair and I used a special app for international texting and I knew that beep was him.
"I know that's lover boy," Don said as we sat in the grass. "Go ahead and answer it."
"How do you know?"
"Know the sound. You kinda smile whenever it beeps. Hard not to notice."
"Did I just smile?"
"Wasn't looking. Just know the sound now."
I opened the message so that I wouldn't seem too weird and read, Got another song done. I hope everything is okay. I miss our talks.
I responded, Can't wait to hear it!
Alistair: Wow. You're up early!
Me: I am? It's already 10!
Alistair: Right, but in the States it's only 5am right?
I shoved the phone back in my purse and looked at the house.
Donovan yawned. "Could this be any more boring? We are traveling the world to do this? Stare at mansions?"
I laughed. "Wanna go take a nap before dinner? I'm exhausted."
"Definitely."
We made it to the bed and breakfast in one piece. Driving on the opposite side was extremely weird, plus Donovan kept checking his email. No, he wasn't driving, but every time he checked I had to keep myself from watching for his reaction as he read whatever she had written.
If he was doing this to make me jealous, it was the first time it actually worked.
After waiting for him to finish another message, we finally walked up to the porch of the bed and breakfast.
"Let's sit out in the garden," he said. "Out back."
I followed him to the back where we got comfortable in a few lounge chairs under the shade of a tall tree. It's arms reached down, pretty low actually, and nearly touched the tops of the chairs.
A built-in pool that looked like a pond reflected the sun. I loved the fake lily pads and the flower petals they scattered on top of the water. Truly a natural feeling pool setting. Amazing.
"I'm glad," he said as he finally slid his phone into his pocket.
"To talk to Han?"
He shook his head. "Well, that too, but...."
"To see Batman's house?"
"Hands down the best experience ever." He laughed. "No. That you're finally getting honest with yourself. Feeling stuff. Dealing with your past and your fears."
"I am."
Tiny rays of sunlight shot through the tree branches and leaves. Whoever said England is always rainy got their facts mixed up. It was a beautiful summer day and this quaint little poolside garden was the perfect setting for it. Completely peaceful.
Something jostled the bush behind me.
I jumped. "Some kind of animal is in the bush."
He looked over his shoulder. "Probably just a rabbit." His eyes widened. "Or Edward Cullen."
"Huh?" I settled back in the chair. "Who's that?"
"Pretty sad that I know and you don't."
"If that's the case, let's keep it that way."
We laughed, then sat for a while without speaking, when finally he broke the silence.
"So," he said. "Do you think maybe you're ready to let love in now? Maybe if someone told you they wanted to kiss you ... maybe you'd let him?"
I swallowed and told myself to breathe. Stay still, Jane, I said to myself. Don't panic.
"Actually," I said. "I ... there's something ... um ... yeah."
"I hope you'll say yes, Jane, because I have something for you. Close your eyes."
Butterflies. Whew. Good. Was starting to doubt the validity of my feelings.
"Don." Something rustled the bush again. I ignored it and tried to focus on him. "This is really hard for me."
His face brightened, but he seemed distracted. "Close your eyes, Jazz."
"Wait." Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. "I know it's been years and we've had our ups and downs and a lot of in betweens. I know I've hurt you a lot and I've been closed off, but I'm not that girl anymore. Maybe I am. Well, I probably am still a tiny bit closed off. It's hard to change over night, but these things have been changing me and I feel ready." I searched his eyes for clues to see if he was prepared to hear what I needed to say. He couldn't have looked any happier, so I went on, stuttered a few times, then said, "You waited long enough. I just need to say it." Say it, Jane. Go on. "Donovan. I ... I've fallen for you." His eyes darkened. Not the reaction I imagined. "I mean, I've fallen and I can't get up."
His palm flung toward his forehead. Warmth filled my hands as sweat began to form. Then, the bush cracked and shook and a huge thing came out. My heart dropped as I backed away, but it wasn't an animal.
It was....
Shit.
Donovan's hand still covered his eyes as he shook his head.
"Alistair?" I said. "What ... what is...?" I looked from Donovan to him, wondering why I was standing there feeling stupid as hell for pouring my heart out.
"Wasn't how I planned this," Don said. "I sent him a message from your phone while you were showering. I thought I'd surprise you. I thought you didn't want to see him because of me being here. And you're always smiling at his messages. I just thought...."
I panicked and tried to run into the house, but Donovan reached for my arm and gave me the eyes. The serious eyes. The don't-you-act-like-a-baby-and-run-off eyes.
Yes. I was an adult. But this ... this was terribly humiliating. My palms held a thick layer of sweat and my face was catching up. The pool was looking mighty nice. Mighty thrilling.
"I feel a bit out of place," Alistair said as he clumsily set a bouquet of black and yellow roses on the chair next to me. Batman roses. "I should let, um ... I'll just be going now."
His arm brushed mine as he walked by me.
I shivered.
And shook it off.
"Wait," I said. "Alistair."
He turned back, sighed, and walked away. I needed to apologize to him. Or something. But first I needed to finish what I started with Don.
He stared at me with droopy eyes. A smile-less Donovan isn't a normal Donovan, so I wasn't too excited to hear what he had to say. I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.
"Well." I clasped my hands in front of me and swayed them. "Looks like I really am the best of fools."
"Jane." Donovan sat down and motioned for me to do the same. "I do
n't know what to say. I waited years to hear those words..."
Don't say but, don't say but.
"But..."
"But you love Han."
"It's not just that. I do love her, yeah, but even if I didn't I still wouldn't be able to let you believe that you love me."
I'm sure I looked confused as I waited for him to continue.
"Somewhere along the lines I realized that I wanted to be with you because it was familiar. We know each other so well and I've opened up to you during the roughest times of my life. So obviously I thought you were the one for me. You were there for me constantly and I think the fact that you made yourself unattainable just made me want you more." He touched my knee. "Jane, I love you so much and I know you love me too, but you're not in love with me. You're in love with the idea of me. This last week has been a breaking point for you. I watched you have an anxiety attack last night as you emptied your heart out. I was there for you and you're confusing your vulnerability with me with love."
"But..."
He scooted toward me so that our knees touched, then he held my chin. "But I'm glad you feel like you can be in love now."
I shook my head. "This is ... I don't know ... can I have some time to myself? I just need to think."
He pat my knee and stood, then went into the B&B through the back door.
"Poor Alistair," I whispered, then jumped into the pool fully clothed. Don't know why. Sometimes random acts of oddness do the soul good. The cool water refreshed me, so I stayed there, floating among the lily pads, staring at the fluffy clouds. And I laughed. I laughed until I could no longer float on top the water. Because really ... what the hell?
Some people write love stories and some people live love stories. Then, there are the ones who do neither.
That would be this Jane Austen. Not the other one.
Chapter 29
When I went back into our room Donovan was gone, so I took a quick shower and he still wasn't back. I wondered if he went after Alistair, then I wondered how I should act when he came back. Would things be different? Worse?
I braided my hair into two long braids, then flipped them back into a bun when a note caught my eye. On my pillow. His handwriting.
I closed my eyes, braced myself, then read:
Jazz,
I decided to head back home now. I'll be fine. Go after Alistair, okay? I think you guys need to talk. Sorry for messing up your Batman plans, or maybe you'll finish it with him. ;-) He's a good guy. I really like him and as your best friend I can tell that he's good for you. Try to talk to him, okay? See ya when you get home.
Love ya, Don
Well, I guess the positive is that I didn't need to figure out what to do when he walked back through the door.
The negative ... I was alone in a foreign country.
He assumed I'd go find Alistair and ride off into the sunset, but I figured Alistair wanted nothing to do with me and I was way too embarrassed to go find him and pretend like I never meant what I said. What would I say anyway? "Oh, hey, sorry I just professed my love to my best friend. Wanna go out to eat?"
The flowers!
The Batman roses!
I quickly ran back outside and sure enough they were still where he left them. I brought them to my room and got comfortable again.
I did mean it. What I said to Don. Whether I was right or not. Maybe I didn't really love Donovan. Maybe he was right. I don't know. But what I did know was that I didn't want to think about it.
I tried, you know....
I tried to be all "true to my heart" and whatever, but look what happened. Exactly why I thought it was better to avoid it all together. Keep the heart locked up and it can never be broken, unlock the door and there you go. Unpleasant feelings.
Amazing how fast excitement can bleed into the blues when it comes to matters of love. The heart is too fickle. Too sensitive.
Not sure I liked that.
I relaxed in bed, pulled up The Green Mile on my iPad, and ignored reality while watching Tom Hanks astound me once again. Incredible actor.
Then I reached over to turn the light off and noticed a card inside the Batman roses. I suppose they were ordinary black and yellow roses, but they would forever be Batman roses to me. Lovely, really. Such a cute idea.
I pulled the card out of its trusty envelope and read:
Jane.
It's hard to write a comma after your name because whenever I say it or write it I need to stop. Just stop right there and let it sink in.
Jane.
Jane.
Jane.
I hope this is only the beginning of sinking in. And I don't know ... I think perhaps I'm sinking into you too?
What is this rubbish anyway?
I'm blubbering. A fool.
Thank you for ... just being you.
I like knowing you.
-Alistair
I sighed and held the letter to my chest. Just a few months ago he tripped into my life. It was a beautiful day actually. He was so charming and fun. The Big Day. The day we were supposed to meet and kiss. If we were single. Guess that idea was over now.
A headache started between my eyes. I put the card next to the flowers and turned the light off. Sleep sounded like a great idea, but a little far-fetched.
I tossed, turned, stared, blinked, massaged my head, tossed, turned, and picked up my phone.
Blink. Blink.
It stared back.
I opened my texts to Alistair and began to type. I got out the word "hey," then shut my phone off and continued the staring contest with the wall.
I felt horrible. And my Batman trip was nowhere near as fun.
So, yeah. I decided to take the next flight out to America. Can you blame me?
Waking up alone, looking at the notes from Alistair and Donovan, imagining the rest of my trip alone ... right ... home appealed to me more.
I sat in the airport for a while. My flight would be another two hours and believe me ... I considered saying the hell with it and visiting Alistair. I opened my texts to him, started to type, stopped, started, stopped. Then I'd annoy myself and pull my sketch pad out, only to be completely uninspired.
Finally, I sent him a text. A simple one. I said, I'm sorry.
An hour passed. No response.
Another hour. No response.
I wished I could see the "read receipt" like iMessage, but nope. Nothing.
I boarded the plane, sat down away from the window, and closed my eyes.
"Excuse me," a voice said. "Could I scoot by you?"
I opened my eyes and stood so the pregnant woman could take the window seat. Pregnant. I stared at her stomach and wondered if my biological mom would've aborted me. Maybe she considered it. Maybe I was never meant to live and that's why I failed at so many things I tried.
The woman draped her arm over her stomach and smiled at me. I forced a smile, then leaned back and closed my eyes.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the flight attendant started as the plan began to move.
I zoned out. Didn't hear a word she said, then the plane began to lift off the ground.
My phone beeped. Oops. I forgot to turn it off.
A text. From him.
Don't be sorry, Jane. The heart feels what it wants to and I'm just glad you're feeling something. Still friends? Still want to do the music with me? I'm here if you want to visit. As friends of course.
I glanced out the window as the plane climbed toward the clouds.
"Oh, I, can someone..." The woman next to me tried to stand and—
Vomit. All over me.
I cringed and held my breath.
And yup ... that's my life for ya.
Right place at the right time.
Never failed.
Chapter 30
Autumn picked me up from the airport. I was surprised that she didn't ask why I came home early. Or why Donovan wasn't with me. But I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised, because as soon as we entered my apartment sh
e finally said, "So. What happened?"
"I thought you weren't going to ask." I walked up the stairs as she followed.
"Figured I'd let you talk first, but since that's not happening..."
I rolled my suitcase toward the closet and grabbed pajamas from a drawer.
"So?"
"I need a shower. Some lady threw up on me during the flight."
"Ew! Are you serious?"
"Unfortunately, yeah. I changed at the airport, but still."
"I need to head back home anyway," she said. "But tell me what's going on first. Real quick."
I sighed. "It's not even worth talking about."
"But Don is still there?"
"He came back before me."
"He left you there? That's unlike him. Was he jealous of Alistair?"
I laughed. "You need to let it go now."
"Let what go?"
"Him. Me. Together. Not happening."
"It would if you'd just let him love you."
"Yeah." I walked toward the steps. "If only I'd let him love me. I should go right now. I'll find him, tell him that I'm in love with him, and then we can finally be together."
"Or just keep delaying the inevitable."
"Or that." I started down the steps. "Definitely that."
She jogged behind me. "Jane, I'm not kidding. You need to open up and let him in! How long have we been friends? And you've never once dated a guy. At all. Ever. That's not normal anymore."
We reached the bottom of the steps and stood there. She looked at me. I looked at her. And I considered telling her, but I didn't have the energy right now.
"I love you." I hugged her, then walked toward the bathroom while saying, "Stay the night. I'll tell you what happened after this shower zaps some life into me."
It didn't actually make me any less tired, but after the shower I made a quick blueberry crumble thingy that Zoe always made, grabbed two plates, and met Autumn on the couch where she was watching some weird romance movie. Course they're all weird to me, but this one was about a girl who constantly dyed her hair and a guy who seemed to have depression coming together, hating each other, erasing their memories, then regretting it as they relived the memories while each one disappeared. So weird. Autumn's favorite romance movie. Of the moment. Apparently.