A Wayward God

by Natasha Weber

be able to not think of it, I started a conversation with Heidi. “So Heidi… if you love dresses, why don’t you own more than one? I understand that your father was at least paying you for some of your work on the farm.”

  “This was the one dress I bought with my money. When he saw what I used it on, he beat me black and blue and he only allowed me to bathe twice a week. Not that it was that bad considering before he only allowed me to bathe once a week. I don’t want to talk about him… I get angry enough as it is. Do you really need Vengeance, Joshua? I mean… are you sure you can’t just Judge by yourself?” She changed the subject.

  “Yes.”

  “Your answers are always so short. You are so bad at carrying a conversation…” She turned her lip up and crossed her arms.

  “I’m sorry. We Gods don’t talk much; like I said, Heidi, if I judged by myself, I would be far too partial,” I explained. “I would wish to save every mortal I liked, and that isn’t… isn’t…” I touched my yellow eye. My head was throbbing. I had a flash of about a million mortals dying, and then I was seeing things differently.

  My two other eyes closed for a moment, and I was Justice.

  “Joshua…?” She asked. She looked up at me and saw that my other two eyes were closed. Instinctively, she ran.

  Justice chased after her. When he caught up and grabbed her arm, he simply looked at her sincerely. She was screaming for a moment, her eyes closed—and then she opened her eyes—she was silent and very still, and then she understood. “I see. You’re not the one who tried to kill me before. You’re Justice, not Vengeance. Next time you see Joshua, make sure you tell him I think he’s very depressed deep down… if he must rely on you. I can’t believe that he is actually… well maybe he is a God after all.”

  Justice let her go, and they walked together for many hours. Justice was strong, and he didn’t need water as often as I did. And also unlike me, he was willing to touch Heidi far more often than I was. Even though I liked Heidi, the taboo of becoming too close with a mortal always frightened me to no end.

  After running along for a bit, Justice and Heidi had to scale a large hill, and Justice carried her when she started to get a little tired.

  When they climbed down the other side, a rather large city was in sight.

  “Saluna… we can rest here for the night.” Heidi said to herself.

  With that, Justice let go of his hold on me, and I was Joshua again. “Good. Justice just about made me bone-tired.” I immediately placed her on the ground.

  Heidi grinned. “Good, you’re back. Justice is okay, but he’s even worse company.”

  I gave her my patented half-hearted smile. “I know…”

  “You need to learn how to insult me back… you’re just no fun…” She looked from me to the city. “I’ve always loved cities… Come on. I’ve got some gold; we can stay the night at a trashy inn.”

  She looked at me with a smile. “I’ll race you!” She began sprinting towards the city.

  I smiled and dashed after her. She was a lot of fun to be around.

  I caught up to her quickly, taking long strides and feeling a competitive spirit I hadn’t felt in a long time. I soon overtook her and stepped into the city with a laugh and a happy grin.

  The city was much larger than Heidi’s village, with buildings packed closely together and set upon cobble-stone like most cities. There were houses, and schools and bakeries and farms… mortals always had to make things so complex.

  Heidi followed soon after and panted; hands on her knees, black hair sprawled over her shoulder with a smile on her face. “Well, it’s not fair, I’ve got these little hooves and you’ve got those long legs…”

  “No excuse, I…” We were interrupted by a scream.

  There was a man on his way home at night, and someone came out of the shadows and threatened the man. Heidi, without a second thought, rushed over. I followed at a leisurely pace. She was too late, the man was already stabbed, and the mugger ran off with whatever gold he had. He was alive, but the blood was draining fast.

  The old man grabbed Heidi’s arm. She had a devastated look on her face, and she propped the old man up on her lap. “My kids…” He said.

  “Shh… I’ll get you some help. Joshua, can’t you heal him if you are a God?” She asked.

  I could, but I wanted to reserve what power I had left. “No, I can’t.”

  She got to her feet. “I’ll go find him help. You stay here with him.”

  “Heidi, wait--”

  She was already up and running, though. I stiffly kneeled by the man’s side, which was hard for someone who was ten feet tall, he grabbed my arm. “Are you an angel…?”

  “No.”

  “Y-you…” He coughed. “Don’t need to lie. You’ve come to rescue this world haven’t you? From the vapors, from the evil people… my children will grow up with clean air…”

  I couldn’t listen to this, a bitter from tugged at my lip and I looked away with closed eyes… I touched his forehead and put him to sleep for the time being. Heidi came running in with a healer. I got to my feet and stepped aside. Heidi watched worriedly, and I watched vacantly.

  The healer, whose name was Jiana, put her hands on the man’s bloody side. “He’s losing a lot of blood. I might need one of you to give him some.”

  Heidi volunteered. Jiana cut Heidi’s finger open a little with a knife. First, the healer replaced as much of the man’s own blood as she could, and then she took as much of Heidi’s as she could without hurting her. Now I was a little worried. “Heidi, don’t…”

  She gave me a sharp look, and I let her alone.

  Jiana patched up the man’s wound with magic, and Heidi paid her however much gold the woman had asked for. She shook the old man awake.

  “Am I… alive?”

  Heidi nodded. “Where do you live?”

  “Just around the corner,” the man said weakly.

  I was a little confused. I thought humans only helped each other when there was something to gain, but Heidi had proved me wrong once again. She had nothing to gain, but money to lose. She didn’t care. I wondered what it was that drove such a generous spirit. Maybe she was just born that way, or maybe, she just wanted everyone to live a better life than the one she had gotten.

  Once the man was safe and at home, I decided to ask her. “Why did you do that?”

  She sighed tiredly from loss of blood. “You still don’t get it, do you? We aren’t all the same.”

  “But you didn’t get anything in return for doing that…” I said, confused.

  “I don’t need a reward for doing something decent. Just think about that man’s kids—what it would do to them if their father never came home--if they found him dead in the street the next morning—it would kill them.” She said solemnly. “If you had someone you loved, you might understand….”

  I looked at her dazedly. “You’re killing yourself all the faster.”

  She gave me a look with a coy smile. “Why do you care? C’mon, I’ll find us an inn.”

  I dreamed a purple dream. I was up in the clouds where I belonged, and back to being content. I was safe again up there. Safe from the things I never wanted to remember or acknowledge about myself. I wanted to block the world out, as I’d done for these past hundreds of years. But that pink butterfly flew right in front of my face again, and told me to start running. But the last time I ran, all those years ago…

  My legs were moving before I could even think, and the butterfly led my into a thick mist, where the child with the red eye was, looking withdrawn and quiet as always. He was angry and depressed; his mind so stormy it made his mind hot and he couldn’t think clearly. He looked disgusted with himself. I was disgusted with him too.

  “No punishment will ever be enough for you,” I said bitterly. “Look at you. So pathetic you can’t even speak anymore. Why did you have to do this to us? But I want you back… I am nothing without you. I want your spirit�
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  The child disappeared, and I was alone.

  Heidi and I were on the road again the next day, and she noticed me looking solemn. Well, more solemn than usual. “Bad dreams…?” She asked.

  I put a hand to my light head. “Yes.”

  “You’re not becoming Vengeance, are you?”

  “No. I feel angry, but I don’t want to feel angry ever again.”

  “Who are you angry at? Me?” She smiled.

  “Myself.”

  “Come on Joshua. I know I’m hard at you, but the truth is, I know you do your best. You don’t need to be angry at yourself.” She said cheerily.

  “You’re a better person than me Heidi. You deserve my spot in The Above…”

  She was taken aback, and she stopped in her tracks for a moment. “I’m not special, Joshua. I don’t know why you think I am. You know I’m hardly even a lady. I don’t even have a proper dress…”

  “There are tons of other people in the world who have done far greater deeds. Maybe even you. I’ve realized, Joshua, that even though you kill good people, you also get rid of bad people. You should be admired for your job, I’m sorry no one worships you anymore.”

  Suddenly, my mind cleared a little and I felt imbued with some sort of strength, akin to the strength I felt when my powers were not stripped away. Was her sudden belief in me imbuing me with some power?

  “Thank you, Heidi. It’s more than just your deeds that make you special I…” I didn’t know what it was. Because she was dirty, and certainly not thin as a rail--although she wasn’t obese