Elephants and Castles

by John Patrick

'Don't look surprised' hissed Le Clerc, 'whatever happens, just act natural.'

  Two huge glass doors glided apart as Madadh and Le Clerc approached the hospital's main entrance. Inside they were met by an elderly man with a badge that said 'Geoffrey. Your Hospital Volunteer.'

  'Hello' said Geoffrey 'Can I help you gentlemen? You look a bit lost.'

  'Are ye the bastar' tha's holdin' ma bruther preezoner?'

  'Hold on a minute Sir, sorry.' Geoffrey produced a whistling hearing aid from the side of his head and fiddled with it until the noise stopped. He pushed it back into his ear. 'Let's try that again now, shall we?'

  Le Clerc tapped Madadh on the arm. 'Shhh. Let me try.' He turned to Geoffrey. 'Good afternoon Sir. We're looking for my friend's brother. We think he may have been inadvertently detained here. His name is Cormag. Do you know where we might find him?'

  'No' said Geoffrey 'but I know someone who does.' He shuffled towards a row of desks at the edge of the corridor. Behind them sat three women busily talking into headphones and typing into computers. 'These ladies can help you. I'll be over here if you need me.'

  'Yes, can I help?' asked one of the women curtly.

  'Aye, ye best ha'!' replied Madadh 'Whit ha' ye dun wi' Cormag?'

  'I'm sorry?'

  'Aye, well it's a wee bit late for bein' sorry lass, bu' if ye tell me where ye're hauldin' 'im, we'll leave wi'out causin' nae trooble!'

  'I don't understand Sir.'

  'Let me help. Hello my good lady,' said Le Clerc lifting his sunglasses onto his head 'we need to find my friend's brother. We think there's been a terrible mix-up and he might accidentally have been... imprisoned, somewhere in this establishment.'

  'What's his name?' she asked, raising her eyebrows to the woman alongside.

  'Cormag. Cormag MacDonald.' growled Madadh.

  She tapped on her keyboard. 'No' she said. 'There's no one by that name in this hospital.'

  'Wha'?' said Madadh 'How are ye sae sure?'

  'I've just searched the whole hospital. There's nobody of that name here?'

  'Searched? Ye have'ne got off yer fat arse woman! How the hell can ye ha' searched the whole place?'

  'Sir, if you're going to get rude I'll have security remove you.'

  'Remove me! Aye well le' the bastar's try!'

  The woman nodded to her colleague who began mumbling into her headset.

  Geoffrey shuffled back over and spoke to Le Clerc. 'There's a man on ward 3C who talks just like your friend there. I don't think they know who he is. Perhaps that's the man.'

  'Can you take us there?'

  'Of course I can Sir.'

  'Someone to see you.' announced Misses Singh as she opened the door and allowed Elvis into Alan's bedroom. Alan kept his gaze fixed on his computer. Elvis sat on the edge of his bed.

  'I don't want anything to do with it.' said Alan, as he shot an alien.

  'No, I don't either,' said Elvis 'I didn't ask for any of this, it just happened. I don't know why I was picked on.'

  'Well, whatever the reason is, I say you just walk away from it all. Pretend it never happened.'

  'I can't Alan. They were in my house. I found them and that sort of makes them my responsibility. And now there's loads of 'em, and they're sick. The only way I can get rid of them is to give them medicine to make them better and then they can leave.'

  'So what's that got to do with me?' said Alan, now driving a moon buggy.

  'I thought you could help. Your Dad used to be a chemist.'

  'Yeh, used to be.' Alan leant to one side to dodge a missile.

  'I bet the code on the burglar alarm is still the same. I bet the keys haven't changed.'

  Alan put his controller down. 'No way Elvis! There's no way I'm going to help you break into my Dad's old shop.'

  'We wouldn't take any money or anything. Just the antibiotics we need, that's all.'

  'You want me to help you break in to my Dad's old pharmacy to steal drugs?'

  'Yes.'

  'I think it's time you left Elvis.'

  'No! Look, I don't know why this has happened Alan. All I know is that if we don't get rid of these people then the whole of London's going to get sick, everyone'll catch it. You're my only hope.'

  'You said yourself they can cure it now so what's the big deal? Just tell then to go to hospital.'

  'I looked it up. It's not like that. If it spreads people will get sick so fast that they won't have time to get medicine. They'll die before they get to hospital. It's already starting! It could be you Alan, or your family.'

  'Yeh, well thanks for taking me to see them all then, that's real great. Anyway, why don't you just call someone, get a doctor to come see them.'

  'Oh yeh, I can just hear that 'phone call. Please can the doctor come and visit fifty seventeenth century people with plague hiding in a church hall. That's gonna work! Look Alan, if we can just get some medicine we can fix them all up and send them home. You can take it too.'

  Alan turned back to his game. 'It's not happening Elvis. Did you want anything else?'

  Elvis walked to the bedroom window. 'Have a look down there.'

  Alan frowned then followed Elvis to the window that looked over the back yard.

  'See, down there, behind the shed.'

  Stood alongside the small wooden shed was a group of four people including a woman clutching a baby to her chest. Their dated clothing and scarred skin gave them away.

  'You bastard!' shouted Alan. 'You brought them here!'

  'No' explained Elvis. 'They followed me here. They're desperate. Please Alan, you've got to help before there's thousands of them!'

  Alan sat back on the bed and thought. 'Alright. I'll help on one condition. If we get caught you take the full rap. It was your idea and you blackmailed me into doing it, OK?'

  Elvis nodded.

  'I mean it. You will be in serious shit.'

  Geoffrey pointed to a door with a policeman sat outside. 'I think he's in that one.' he said. 'He must be in some trouble though,' he added in a concerned tone, 'being guarded like that.'

  'Oh not Cormag' said Le Clerc 'He's a nice boy. Probably just a mistake. Thank you for your trouble Sir.'

  'Oh that's fine. Here, I'll go and speak to them for you.'

  'No Sir, that will be all thank you.'

  Geoffrey started to walk towards the policeman but Madadh stepped in front of him and blocked his way. Geoffrey was staring straight into Madadh's bushy chest hair.

  'Oh, oh. Alright. I guess I'll... be going then.' He turned and shuffled away.

  'Hmm' muttered Le Clerc, 'we need a way to get past that guard.'

  'That's nae a problem.' replied Madadh and pulled out his dirk. 'I'll slit the bastar' fro' ear te ear!'

  'Hmm, good...but probably not subtle enough.' Le Clerc pushed the knife back down out of sight. 'I've got an idea. Just play along.'

  Le Clerc walked back a few yards along the corridor out of sight, ruffled his hair and pulled out his shirt tails. 'Right, now follow me.' He sprinted back into the ward and up to the policeman guarding Cormag. 'Sir, Sir' he panted 'I bring you grave news.'

  'What?' said the policeman, looking up from the mobile 'phone game that he was pretending not to play.

  'One of your fellows, a man dressed in the same guard attire as yourself, lies on the ground outside the front of this establishment whilst ruffians beat him terribly. He is in need of your urgent assistance Sir!'

  'What the hell are you on about?

  'Your friend. They're beating him Sir! On the steps!'

  'Shit!' The policeman jumped up and spied through the door at Cormag. He was handcuffed to the bed-head and fast asleep.

  'Don't worry Sir, we'll keep guard on this rogue whilst you assist your friend.'

  'OK' said the policeman 'I'll be back in two minutes.' and he sprinted down the corridor. 'Don't let anyone in!'

  'Right!' shouted Le Clerc then turned to Madadh. 'Let's get him out of here, quickly.'

  Ten minut
es later the policeman returned. 'Where's those two clowns who were 'ere before?' he asked the nursing sister.

  'I didn't see anyone.' she replied, pushing a drip trolley up the ward.

  The policeman peeped through the small window. 'Oh bugger!' He threw open the door. The head of the bed was missing along with Cormag. He grabbed his radio. This was going to take some explaining.'

  It was tricky getting down the fire escape with Cormag still handcuffed to the bed-head, but after slips and stumbles, and with Madadh and Le Clerc at either end of the steel rectangle, they finally made it to the bottom. They pushed open the fire doors and emerged into the bright sunlight yards away from the frantic emergency department. Ambulances were queueing with lights flashing, waiting for their turn to unload their cargo. Nurses and doctors charged in and out of the hospital doors checking on patients as they were rushed inside. Police were unrolling plastic tape to keep back TV news crews. In the distance more sirens howled.

  'This way' said Le Clerc. 'I reckon we came down this street. Now just act normal.' He pulled his sunglasses back down on to his face.

  Elvis searched his room from top to bottom. He looked all over the house but he couldn't find the stone anywhere. Perhaps his mother had found it and put it somewhere 'safe'. He went to the living room. It was time for Oprah so she should be sitting down sipping on a glass of wine. But the TV was silent and the room empty. He checked the kitchen but that was empty too. She must have gone for a lie down; she often did if she had her first glass a little early. But even the bedroom was deserted. He looked out of the window. Was that really his mother on all fours weeding in the garden? To Elvis that was about as natural as seeing the Queen mud-wrestling. He went outside to investigate.

  'What are you doing Mum? Have you lost something?'

  'No Elvie, I'm just doing a little gardening.' she replied as if she did it all the time.

  'But you...don't.'

  'Don't what sweetie?'

  'Don't garden. I've never seen you garden.'

  Monica smiled. 'This year this garden will bloom, you watch Elvis. You won't know the place.'

  'I've lost something Mum. A stone, a red stone. It belongs to someone and I have to give it back.'

  'What sort? Like a painted stone?'

  'No, like a jewel, a shiny red jewel.'

  'Ooh, that sounds nice. Who does that belong to? Is it a girl?'

  'No, it's ...nobody you know. Have you seen it Mum?'

  'Sorry Elvie. Pass me those clippers sweetie.'

  Elvis passed the pruners and went back inside. Where on earth could it be? He'd have to ask Mary; perhaps she might have seen it.

  Elvis went back to the hall. It was busier and noisier than ever; made worse by Matthew and Isaac chasing each other around the room, hopping over legs and barging people out of the way. It wasn't going to be possible to keep everyone hidden for much longer. If it kept on like this then he'd either need to find a bigger place else confess what he'd been up to.

  Elvis spotted Mary stood by the kitchen talking to someone. He picked his way through the bodies on the floor.

  Nick whispered into Mary's ear. She giggled and then poked him in the chest. Elvis felt a tide of jealousy rise in his chest. He turned away. He'd ask somebody else. There was Elizabeth. He'd talk to her instead.

  'No I'm sorry Elvis, I've not seen it. Mary, come here.' Elizabeth shouted. 'Have you seen the stone? The red stone?'

  Mary picked her way through the bodies to join them. 'Hello Elvis. Elvis come meet Nick.' she urged.

  'No, I need the stone.' said Elvis.

  Mary pulled Nick alongside her. 'Elvis, meet Nick.'

  Nick put out a hand and Elvis reluctantly shook it.

  'Why do you use that stick? You got a bad leg?'

  'No, it's a fashion statement.' replied Elvis caustically.

  'Oh, I see. Very nice.' sniggered Nick.

  Mary tried not to join in, but a giggle escaped.

  'Where's that stone then?' asked Elvis impatiently. It seemed Mary was the same was everyone else after all.

  'I'm guessin' it might be over there, with guess who?' She pointed at her younger brother.

  Elvis marched towards Samuel. 'Have you got the stone? Did you take it?'

  'What, this?' asked Samuel, plucking it from his pocket.

  'You thieving little...' Elvis lunged and tried to grab it. Samuel pulled his hand away. 'You stole that! That was in my draw!'

  'I 'ad it a long time before you did!'

  'Give it!' Elvis grabbed Samuel's arm and wrestled for the stone.

  Elizabeth shouted.

  Samuel pushed Elvis away. Elvis stumbled backwards and fell onto the floor. A circle of faces formed around him.

  Nick laughed loudly.

  It was just like being back at school again. Elvis climbed to his feet and stomped out of the door. He fought back the tears. Alan was right. Why did he bother? He should just leave them all to rot!

  Madadh, Cormag and Le Clerc had to fight their their way along the busy streets. It was difficult enough with the bulky hospital bed-head, but as if that didn't draw enough attention, Cormag’s green hospital-issue night gown kept parting at the back and exposing his hairy ginger backside. Fortunately the throngs of people on the street assumed they were on a charity fund raiser, or simply chose to ignore them, in that big city sort of way.

  London looked nothing like the place the three of them had known.

  'A dinne reckon we came doon this rood.' Madadh shouted.

  'Sure, we did... I think.' replied Le Clerc. He turned around and checked the buildings around them. 'Or did we?' A policeman's helmet bobbed towards them. 'Let's try down here.' he suggested and led the bed-head off the street.

  They turned down a side alley, and then down another and another before appearing on another busy street that looked exactly the same as the last.

  'We'll obtain assistance.' declared Le Clerc. He stepped in front of a passer-by and blocked his path. 'My good sir, I believe we are lost. Perhaps you might offer...'

  But the man pushed Le Clerc to one side and hurried on his way. Le Clerc turned to another, a man in a dark suit carrying a briefcase. The man looked at Le Clerc with a fearful glance, clutched his case to his body and hurried on by. He had no more luck with the next person and then was told 'Piss off wierdo!' by a pair of teenagers.

  'Ne'er worry!' said Madadh 'Let's try aroond here.' He led them around another corner. The tall grey concrete hospital block stood before them again. 'Och noo, we're reet back here agin!'

  A few yards further along the same street Geoffrey was arguing with a traffic warden. 'But I'm a volunteer at the hospital! Where am I supposed to park? I can't afford the multi-storey! If you give me that ticket I won't be able to eat for days. You can't do that!'

  The warden smiled wryly, pulled out his ticket and tucked it under the wiper blade. 'If it's still 'ere in ten minutes I'll 'ave it clamped. An' then you won't eat for a fortnight!' He chuckled and walked away.

  Geoffrey pulled his leg back and kicked the tyre of his Austin Princess. The tap on the wheel caused no harm to the car but his arthritic hip seared with pain and Geoffrey grabbed the faded roof of his car to avoid falling.

  Madadh dropped the bed-head and came to Geoffrey's aid. 'Are ye alreet auld ma'?'

  'I will be in a minute.' replied Geoffrey. 'Thank you.' He composed himself before turning around to face Madadh. 'No thanks to that bastard. But thank you, it's nice to see that there's still some kindness left in this world.'

  'You want me to sor' him oot for ye?' Madadh placed a hand on his waist over where his dirk lay hidden.

  'No, no.' said Geoffrey. 'Nice thought, but no.' He looked at Cormag still attached to the bed-head. 'Looks like you might need some help though.'

  Across the road the hospital was becoming frantic. Crowds were jostling to get through the emergency department doors and guards fought to keep order. Police cars and motorbikes blocked the road and ushered screeching ambul
ances towards the emergency doors. News crews, bright lights and cameras looked on.

  'I think you'd best get in.' suggested Geoffrey, holding open the creaky back door of the old car 'You'd best be away from here.'

  Cormag, Madadh and the bed-head squeezed onto the back seat. Le Clerc sat in the front and caressed the sea of mustard-coloured plastic and worn velour. He was awestruck. With considerable effort and grunting, Geoffrey climbed behind the steering wheel. He pushed the keys into the ignition and the old Princess roared into life, at the third attempt. With a cloud of grey smoke, the old car lurched into the road, forcing a little silver Smartcar to slam on the breaks and blast on the horn. Geoffrey continued regardless, and kept to a safe if somewhat jerky twenty miles an hour. Cormag and Madadh slid down out of view on the back seat.

  Le Clerc was fascinated by the car, the noise, the flickering needles and dials on the dashboard. He stroked the faded rug-like piece of carpet on top of the dashboard.

  'She's a beauty isn't she?' said Geoffrey approvingly.

  'She's fantastic!' enthused Le Clerc.

  'Can ye tek us back te the church auld ma'?' asked Madadh.

  'Church? Of course I can, but I think before we do anything, we should separate your friend from his bed.'

  'Aye, that's true enough.' agreed Cormag before shuffling uncomfortably in his seat. Madadh was staring open-mouthed at his face. 'Och will ye stop tha' Madadh, wha's wrong wi' ye, man?'

  'Cormag, they're nearly gone. The sores, they're nearly gone!'

  'Is tha' reet' asked Cormag, stroking his chin.

  'Whit 'boot me?' asked Madadh excitedly. 'Hoo do A look?'

  Cormag inspected Madadh's face closely. 'Like shite Madadh.'

  Thirty minutes later they pulled up outside Geoffrey's ground floor maisonette. 'Quickly now' urged Geoffrey 'there's a lot of busy-bodies around here!'

  They followed in line behind his slow shuffle up to the front door. Curtains twitched, doors opened just a little. Geoffrey finally mastered his stiff lock and ushered them all inside.

  The living room was stacked with towels, sheets and linen, all with the words 'Central London Hospitals' and 'NHS' emblazoned across them. There were towers of toilet rolls and paper towels, stacks of catering size cans of soup and diced fruit.

  Madadh picked up a giant can of Roma tomatoes and scrutinised it.

  Geoffrey looked on with a little embarrassment. 'Just a little business on the side.' he explained. 'My pension doesn't stretch very far. I knew you boys would understand.' He shuffled across to the crammed sideboard. 'Me and my son Norman, we were a team. He worked in the kitchen at the hospital.' Geoffrey picked up a small, framed photograph of a red faced man holding a pint of beer and ruefully ran his fingers across the image. 'He had a heart attack three months ago. Never came back out. It was the hospital's fault. Their pizza killed him. He used to bring four home every night. They caused his heart attack, I know they did. I should sue them. But then what's the use? I'd be dead before I saw the money.'

  Geoffrey disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a black canvas bag. 'Now where are they?' He pulled out pliers, crow bars, spanners. 'Ah, here it is!' He hauled out a pair of yellow-handled bolt cutters and handed them to Madadh. 'Here, you can do the rest.'

 

  Elvis was back in his bedroom. He was seething. All the trouble he'd gone to, all of the risks he'd taken and this was how they thank him. He hated going to school, hated the snide comments, the teasing. But at least at home he had an escape, at least until now. If that was how they were going to be then he'd leave them in the hall and forget about them. He switched on his X-box and stared blankly at the screen.

  The bedroom door creaked open. Mary crept inside followed by Samuel.

  Elvis jumped to his feet. 'What the... How the hell did you get in here?' He peeped onto the landing to ensure that they hadn't been seen, then quickly closed the door.

  'We came through the tunnel.' explained Samuel sheepishly.

  'Well you can go back through it. I'm not interested any more.'

  'We came to say sorry.' said Mary softly. 'Both of us. Sam should 'ave give you back the stone when you wann'ed it an' 'e shouldn'a took it in the first place, should you Sam?'

  Samuel shook his head contritely.

  'Go on Sam, 'and it over.' Mary nodded to her brother.

  Samuel shoved his hand in his pocket and pulled out the sparkling red stone and held it out to Elvis. 'Sorry' he mumbled, almost inaudibly.

  'An' I'm sorry I laughed.' added Mary quietly. 'I didn't mean nothin'. I was just nervous, an' it ...sort of come out.'

  'I doesn't matter.' replied Elvis unconvincingly, staring at the television screen. 'I don't care.'

  Samuel was still holding out the gem to Elvis.

  'Please take it.' said Mary. 'We didn't mean you no 'arm. You don't know how much this whole thing scrambles up your 'ead.' She smiled hopefully at Elvis, her bright blue eyes sparkling either side of her wrinkled, pot-marked nose. 'Please Elvis, you been real kind to us.' She sat on the bed alongside him and added softly 'We need you Elvis. Please.'

  Elvis was taken aback. No one had ever actually needed his help before. Sure his Mum often asked for it and sometimes she received a little, but you couldn't actually say that she needed his help. Perhaps they hadn't meant to be so mean to him after all.

  'OK, I suppose.' Elvis reached out and took the stone from Samuel.

  Mary grabbed his hand and squeezed it. 'Thanks Elvis. You're tops. Do you know where you can get that new medicine?'

  'I think so.' replied Elvis.

  There was a quick rap on the bedroom door and Alan walked in. 'Holy shit! What are those two doing here? They aren't coming with us! No way!' Alan stood back against the wall, keeping himself as far away as possible.

  'No.' replied Elvis. 'They're just going.'

  'Are you gettin' the stuff now?' asked Samuel eagerly. 'We could come 'elp ya, couldn't we Mary?'

  'No way!' replied Alan flatly. 'If they're coming then I'm going home. I'll see you some other time Elvis.' He reached for the door handle.

  'No!' Elvis jumped to his feet. 'They're not coming! Alan, wait. It's just the two of us, I promise.'

  'Come on Samuel, I think it's time we were going.' Mary walked to the door and held it open for her younger brother.

  'I'm sorry Mary.' said Elvis 'It's just that...'

  'That's fine' Mary replied. 'No need to explain.'

  'But we could help!' protested Samuel.

  Elvis took the stone and pushed it into Mary's hand. 'You keep this. You have to start making potion, lots and lots of potion Mary. You understand?'

  'Why? What about that new stuff you're getting'?'

  Elvis looked at Alan who was eyeing him with suspicion. 'There's no time to explain Mary. Just do it, please.'

  'Alright' said Mary 'if you say so.' She turned and grabbed her brother and shoved him through the door. 'You keep quiet on them stairs.' Before leaving she turned back to Elvis then paused.

  'What's the matter?' asked Elvis.

  'Nothin'. I just wanna says thanks... and one day, when I ain't got these spots no more, I'll give you the biggest hug you ever 'ad!' She smiled coyly then slipped out of the door.

  Elvis felt his cheeks glow red.

  'You shouldn't have those freaks in your house.' Alan grumbled.

  'Freaks! They're not freaks! What d'you call them that for?' Elvis found himself shouting.

  'Hey, calm down! I didn't mean it like that.' replied Alan defensively. 'I just mean that it's OK for you, you've had that disease, you're still taking the tablets. I just don't want to get sick, that's all.'

  'You won't.' replied Elvis curtly. 'Tonight we'll have stacks of that medicine and then you'll be safe.

  Chapter 13