What the Billionaire Wants

by Lila Lacroix

  “Good,” Ryan said. He held her tighter to him, and Tina closed her eyes, not caring about what was on the television as long as she had Ryan – and the baby. Touching a hand to her stomach, she sucked in a breath.

  * * *

  The next morning she woke up, stomach cramping and sharp pains shooting through her abdomen. She whimpered, crying out for Ryan. He rolled over, immediately alert, and eyes wide and panicked. “What's wrong?”

  “It hurts.” She clutched at her stomach. “Please, Ryan.”

  Ryan looked pained, one arm around her neck, but he was already fumbling for his phone on the night stand. Tina was crying through the pain, breathing slowly, in and out. Concentrating on her breathing was helping to distract her, but not enough. The pain was so intense. She was afraid, clutching at her stomach¸ that this was more than just a stomach ache.

  “Hello, yes, ambulance please.” He sounded calm and in control, but Tina could see his face. He was terrified for her, and she pressed her head into his chest, clutching at him. She was gasping now, unable to deal with the pain and she was dimly aware of Ryan saying, “Please hurry,” before she passed out.

  There was the sound of beeping.

  When Tina came to, the first thing she was aware of was the fact that her stomach was no longer cramping. She turned her head, blinking a couple of times so that her eyes could adjust. Ryan was napping on the chair next to her bed, one hand tangled with hers on top of the sheets. “Ryan.”

  Her voice was raspy and quiet, but Ryan was obviously not napping deeply, and came awake immediately. “Hey, Tina.”

  His voice sounded as raw and broken as hers, and she squeezed his hand. “What happened?”

  Ryan's face shifted into sadness, and Tina was seized by fear. “Ryan? Please tell me.”

  “Tina, there were some problems with-”

  “-The baby?!” Tina's voice as high and panicked but she couldn't help it. She pressed her free hand to her stomach and winced as pain lanced through her once more. Ryan leaned over to remove her hand.

  “Don't do that. You had surgery.”

  “For what?” Tina asked, voice barely above a whisper. She didn't want to know the answer, but she knew what it was even before Ryan started talking.

  “There was nothing they could, sweetheart. There were some problems and they had to – we lost the baby.”

  Tina started to cry. Gut-wrenching sobs that she couldn't control. Ryan held her, tried to comfort her, but it was to no avail; Tina felt empty in a way she never had before. Her baby, her beautiful child, was gone.

  Miscarried

  Tina didn't know what to think. She felt sick to her stomach, and nothing Ryan could say would make it better. She felt empty, both physically and mentally, and didn't know how to make herself feel better. Clutching tightly at the sheets on the bed, she couldn't even bring herself to hold Ryan's hand. She wanted to be better for him, wanted to show him that they could get through this, but she didn't believe it.

  She didn't say anything. She didn't know why she chose to deal with things that way, but she did, mostly because it was something she could control. The nurses asked her questions, family and friends dropped by, but Tina didn't say anything. She knew she was upsetting them, but she didn't care. Ryan was the only one that didn't try and force her to speak; he smoothed down her hair, not even caring that it was gross and greasy. He kissed her head, forehead, cheek and just spoke to her, even though she could hear the pain in his voice.

  It isn't fair, she thought. Ryan was so strong, standing by her even when she was losing her mind, but she didn't know how else to deal with everything. It all felt so out of control. She was starting to cry again and wanted to curse herself internally, but she was just too devastated to think anything except my baby.

  “It's gone,” she whispered, and felt sick to her stomach when she thought I didn't even know its sex. I don’t even know if it was a he or a she.

  Ryan just held her, whispering sweet nothings and burying her face in his chest. She accepted the comfort, her sobs loud in the hospital room, and she didn't know if she could stand this. She felt like she was flying apart in a million different directions and it isn't fair.

  * * *

  The doctor decided to keep her in for a few days, worried about complications. Tina didn't care, didn't bother to tell him why, she just didn't think she could go home. She wanted to – she wanted to be with Ryan, even though he came to visit her every day, she just wanted to go home and be with Ryan and forget the world existed, but the thought of actually having to go terrified her. She didn't care if she had work or a life or anything else at all; she just wanted to give up and cry forever. Life didn't feel like living if she didn't have her baby.

  Ryan was watching her, telling her about his day, and Tina gave in to the impulse to take his hand. She looked oddly pale against his skin, and the breath Ryan sucked in startled her almost to the point that she wanted to take her hand back. As though he was expecting that, Ryan tightened his hold, and the smile he gave her was blinding. Swallowing thickly, Tina let out a breath and smiled back, weak and her heart not really in it, but she wanted to show him that everything was fine, even when she felt like she would never be fine again. He didn't deserve it – he had lost his child too, and she was just a burden.

  She wanted to tell him that, wanted to make him understand that she was not the right person for her, but she didn't know how to do that.

  “Sweetheart.” Ryan looked sad again, not that this was anything new. He seemed to look sad a lot lately. “I need you to smile for me sometimes.”

  “Why?” It was the first time Tina had spoken in days; her voice was raw, and she could already feel her eyes welling up a little.

  Ryan looked even more sad, if that was even possible, and leaned in closer, kissing her forehead. Tina didn't know what to do with all of the affection. It was making her skin crawl, as though she didn't deserve any of it; Ryan shouldn't be kind to her. She had failed him in the worst way.

  When Ryan wasn't there she found herself thinking about the baby and about everything she could have done. Ryan would have been an amazing father, she thought, would have treated the baby as well as, if not better, than he treated her. She would have her done her best to bring her child up the way her mother had done for her – only she would have cut out some of the mistakes. She thought about school, about playing together, growing up and university.

  Tina curled up on the bed, knees tucked up to her chest and arms covering her head. She let the tears flow freely, gut-wrenching sobs that she couldn't have stopped even if she had wanted to. It felt as though her heart would never be whole again and she didn't know how to deal with it, how to put herself back together.

  The door opened to admit Ryan, back again, and she didn't know how she deserved someone like him. He was immediately by her side, drawing her to him as best as she was able. Tucking her head under Ryan's chin, she clutched at his shirt. “I'm sorry.”

  “It's okay,” Ryan said, over and over, even if she believed that nothing would ever be okay again. “I'm here now.”

  Tina didn't know how long they stayed that way, but when she finally shifted out of his arms, it was starting to get dark outside. “Can I come home today?”

  “Yes, sweetheart,” Ryan said, smiling wide. It feels like it's been an age since she was at Ryan's apartment – her home – and she wanted to be able to go home. She was relieved and gave him a sad, worn smile. “We'll be back before you know it.”

  “I'm sorry,” Tina said, realising that she hadn't yet and he more than deserved to hear it from her.

  Ryan frowned, weariness replaced with confusion. “For what?”

  “This is all my fault.” Tina's voice was choked up with tears, and she couldn't look Ryan in the eye. She didn't deserve to. God, why was she such a bad person?”

  “What are you talking about?” Ryan's voice was tinged with anger and she didn't know why.

  “If I had been better,�
� she started, thinking about the baby and the ways she had ruined everything for them. “You've been so good to me and I couldn't even do this for you. It's me, my body, something, I don't know. I just – I'm so sorry. I don't know why I failed.”

  Ryan let out a noise, a mix of anger and confusion and frustration, but when Tina looked up at his face, none of it was directed at her. He pulled her into his arms once again, only this time his hold was tight and careful. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing.”

  Tina looked him in the eye, accepting the words but unable to believe them. It was difficult for her to think of anything but the many ways she should have been better.

  “I love you,” Ryan said, face buried in the top of her head.

  Feeling the tears welling up in her eyes again, Tina just swallowed, whispering the words back. She loved him more than anything she could say, but it wasn't enough.

  The doctor discharged her that afternoon, and she was grateful to be able to dress in the clothes Ryan had brought from home. They smelt like him, and she took a moment to stare in the mirror and pretend she recognised the person looking back at her. She felt sick, though she knew it had nothing to do with the aftermath of the baby, and turned away, walking back into the hospital room that had served as her home for the last few days.

  Ryan was seated on the edge of the bed. He had her bag at his feet and was currently looking over the hospital paperwork. Tina had left everything to him, unable to bring herself to think about it. She lacked the energy for most things, but the thought of being able to go home was keeping her on her feet. He turned to look over his shoulder as she came out of the bathroom. He was unguarded for that moment, and she allowed herself to think about how he must have been feeling the past few days. His eyes were dark, the bags underneath telling her that he hadn't been sleeping. He had been at the hospital at all hours of the day and she appreciated everything, even as the nasty voice in the back of her head that constantly told her that she didn't deserve it. Even after she yelled and screamed at herself to believe the best of her life, she couldn't.

  Crossing the room and sitting down beside him, Tina rested her head on his shoulder, letting him wrap his huge fingers around hers. “I'm sorry.”

  “You have to stop apologising,” Ryan said, sounding sad himself. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  This was a familiar argument, and neither of them gave ground or were willing to acquiesce to the other, so Tina stayed silent.

  “Come on,” Ryan said eventually, when the silence had dragged on for long enough. He took her by the elbow and helped her up.

  She hadn't been in pain for a while, but she appreciated the attention he was lavishing on her. She stayed close to him, even when the nurses and doctors, all kind faces and warm voices, bid her goodbye. His car was parked outside, and she almost sobbed in relief. It was so familiar, so wonderful, that she sank into the seat and covered her face with her hands.

  “Oh baby,” Ryan said, voice low, he pulled her over the gear shift and kissed the top of her head. “Are you okay?”

  “No,” she said, but she gave him a tight smile. “I just want to go home.”

  Ryan just nodded, letting her go, but squeezing her knee quickly, before starting the car.

  Tina leaned back in the seat, watching the world go by as Ryan drove them back to the apartment. Ryan was talking, a low murmur that didn't make sense, but Tina didn't think it was supposed to. She let it wash over her and held on to the handle of the car door. Eventually they pulled up outside of Ryan's building, and she allowed him to help her out of the car. Though she was no longer in pain, she was still sore, and having Ryan with her made everything seem as though it was fine.

  She was reminded painfully of everything when she saw the door to the nursery – a spare room that had once housed boxes of Ryan's old belongings – shut tight. She clenched her hands into fists and dragged her gaze away, heart pounding in her chest. The room was hot, almost too hot, and she clutched at Ryan's hand. “I want to go to bed.”

  Ryan looked like he might argue for a moment, but just nodded, squeezing her hand and letting go. Tina made her way into the bedroom, everything familiar and painful, but she forced herself to fall into bed, conscious of Ryan in the other room. She had to believe everything would be okay. She would fall apart if she didn't.

  Unfortunately, the days that followed proved almost unbearable for Tina. The first couple of days she made it out of bed, migrating to the sofa and seeing Ryan off back to work with a kiss and a promise that she would be fine. It was a lie and they both knew it, but there was only so long Ryan could hang around her before they both lost their temper. When Tina could work up the emotions to be anything except tired. She turned the television on, picked at food that she didn't really want to eat, and stayed that way until Ryan came home.

  “Hi, sweetheart.” He dipped his head to kiss her, but Tina turned her face away. Sighing, Ryan straightened, and Tina knew she wasn't being fair, knew that he was hurting as much as she was, but that didn't seem to matter. She was overwhelmed with despair and sadness that her child was gone from the work, and just trying to move from the couch was taking everything she had. “Have you eaten?”

  “Some,” Tina replied. She motioned at the plate of toast on the table, now horribly cold and hard. Ryan rubbed a hand over his eyes but didn't say anything. Tina turned back to the television she wasn't even watching. There was a couple on screen, a commercial for something she didn't care about, with a small child and her heart clenched. That could have been her. That could have been them. But now, because she was a failure, it wasn't going to be them. Burying her face in the sleeve of her dressing gown, Tina sucked in a breath.

  She could hear Ryan moving around in the apartment, but it wasn't until he sat down tentatively beside her, hand on her shoulder, that he spoke. “Your mother wants to visit.”

  Tina didn't know if she could handle that. “I don't-”

  “It has to be your decision,” Ryan told her kindly. “I won't let her here if you don't want it.”

  Tina's face crumpled. “I don't know what I want.”

  “I know, baby.” Ryan stroked her arm softly. “Just stay here, okay? I'll get you a drink.”

  Tina just nodded. She could do with a little water, but thoughts were already tumbling through her head. It hadn't even occurred to her to call her mother or her friends – especially Maria – but she had been preoccupied. Obviously Ryan had done what she couldn't, and she was more grateful, even if she had to fight down the urge to tell herself she didn't deserve it.

  A glass of water was placed on the table in front of her and she gave Ryan a small smile. “Thank you.”

  Ryan just stroked her hair back from her forehead. “Anytime.”

  When he sat down beside her this time, Tina curled up closer to him, resting her forehead on his shoulder, and hands curled together. She took comfort from him, and let herself believe for just a second that everything would be okay.

  The next morning, she was back to feeling like nothing would ever be right again. Curling into the bed covers, she turned her back on Ryan and buried her face in the pillow, wondering what life would have been like if she'd had a son. Ryan would have loved it, she thought, bringing up his son and teaching him the way of the world. He would have wanted for nothing and Tina clenched the covers in her fists, fighting back the tears.

  Her stomach rumbled some time in the afternoon, but she didn't want to move. There was nothing to move for. When Ryan came back he would probably force her to eat something, to move, but she didn't have to do what she didn't want to, and she didn't want to. There didn't seem to be much point. It hurt to think of moving on with her life, just her and Ryan, when she couldn't give him a child. What if they tried again and this just ended in disaster? The thought of trying again, of trying to replace the baby she had lost was unthinkable, and she swallowed thickly, closing her eyes.

  She tried to sleep a couple of times, but every time s
he closed her eyes, it was as though there was a phantom pain and she was back to that night the week before, clutching her stomach on the couch, and feeling the pain lance through her stomach. She sobbed hard, unable to cope with the memories.

  “I think we need to get some help,” Ryan said.

  He was sitting on the side of the bed, watching Tina. She could feel the heat of his gaze, knew she should be concentrating on what he was saying. She shrugged a little, putting all of the effort she could drag up into that one gesture. Her mother hadn't been by – Ryan had stuck to his word on that – but she had called, though Tina hadn't bothered to answer. There were probably a lot of texts and calls on her phone, but she didn't want to deal with the sympathy or the well-wishers.

  Ryan rubbed a hand over his face. He was frustrated and angry but he never took it out on Tina. She felt her heart swell; he was next to perfect and she didn't know how to handle that. She really didn't deserve him, but nothing she said would make him leave, or make him make her leave.

  She felt like she wanted to cry again, so she said, “Why?”

  “Sweetheart,” Ryan said, voice low. The nickname always made her well up more than she could deal with. “This isn't good. You sleep all day and I just want you to feel like you again.”

  “What if I don't want to?” Tina said, stubborn. Ryan just held her gaze for a while, and Tina's face crumpled again, fingers twitching against Ryan's. “What if I can't?”

  “You will,” Ryan said, and it sounded like a promise. “You'll see. Things will get better, okay? I would never lie to you about that.”

  Tina didn't know what else to say. She clutched tightly at Ryan's hands, and hoped that this was the right thing, that getting help would be what she needed. Nothing else seemed to be working at the moment, and at least this way, she would be able to leave the room without feeling like her whole life was falling apart around her ears. “I'm sorry I've been like this.”

  Ryan leaned down to kiss her cheek, chin and mouth. She still didn't feel anything, and that frightened her, but there was hope there too. She could imagine that things would get better for her, and for Ryan, and that had to be enough to carry her through whatever happened from here on out.