P G Wodehouse - Little Nugget

by Little Nugget

  The door opened and Smooth Sam Fisher entered.

  'You rang, sir?'

  'Ah! Come in, White, and close the door. I have something to say to you. I have just been informing Mr Burns that Mr Ford has written asking me to allow his son to stay on at the school for the first few days of the vacation.'

  He turned to Audrey.

  'You will doubtless be surprised, Mrs Sheridan, and possibly--ah-- somewhat startled, to learn the peculiar nature of White's position at Sanstead House. You have no objection to my informing Mrs Sheridan, White, in consideration of the fact that you will be working together in this matter? Just so. White is a detective in the employment of Pinkerton's Agency. Mr Ford'--a slight frown appeared on his lofty brow--'Mr Ford obtained his present situation for him in order that he might protect his son in the event of--ah--in fact, any attempt to remove him.'

  I saw Audrey start. A quick flush came into her face. She uttered a little exclamation of astonishment.

  'Just so,' said Mr Abney, by way of comment on this. 'You are naturally surprised. The whole arrangement is excessively unusual, and, I may say--ah--disturbing. However, you have your duty to fulfil to your employer, White, and you will, of course, remain here with the boy.'

  'Yes, sir.'

  I found myself looking into a bright brown eye that gleamed with genial triumph. The other was closed. In the exuberance of the moment, Smooth Sam had had the bad taste to wink at me.

  'You will have Mr Burns to help you, White. He has kindly consented to postpone his departure during the short period in which I shall be compelled to be absent.'

  I had no recollection of having given any kind consent, but I was very willing to have it assumed, and I was glad to see that Mr Fisher, though Mr Abney did not observe it, was visibly taken aback by this piece of information. But he made one of his swift recoveries.

  'It is very kind of Mr Burns,' he said in his fruitiest voice, 'but I hardly think it will be necessary to put him to the inconvenience of altering his plans. I am sure that Mr Ford would prefer the entire charge of the affair to be in my hands.'

  He had not chosen a happy moment for the introduction of the millionaire's name. Mr Abney was a man of method, who hated any dislocation of the fixed routine of life; and Mr Ford's letter had upset him. The Ford family, father and son, were just then extremely unpopular with him.

  He crushed Sam.

  'What Mr Ford would or would not prefer is, in this particular matter, beside the point. The responsibility for the boy, while he remains on the school premises, is--ah--mine, and I shall take such precautions as seem fit and adequate to--him--myself, irrespective of those which, in your opinion, might suggest themselves to Mr Ford. As I cannot be here myself, owing to--ah--urgent business in London, I shall certainly take advantage of Mr Burns's kind offer to remain as my deputy.'

  He paused and blew his nose, his invariable custom after these occasional outbursts of his. Sam had not wilted beneath the storm. He waited, unmoved, till all was over:

  'I am afraid I shall have to be more explicit,' he said: 'I had hoped to avoid scandal and unpleasantness, but I see it is impossible.'

  Mr Abney's astonished face emerged slowly from behind his handkerchief.

  'I quite agree with you, sir, that somebody should be here to help me look after the boy, but not Mr Burns. I am sorry to have to say it, but I do not trust Mr Burns.'

  Mr Abney's look of astonishment deepened. I, too, was surprised. It was so unlike Sam to fling away his chances on a blundering attack like this.

  'What do you mean?' demanded Mr Abney.

  'Mr Burns is after the boy himself. He came to kidnap him.'

  Mr Abney, as he had every excuse for doing, grunted with amazement. I achieved the ringing laugh of amused innocence. It was beyond me to fathom Sam's mind. He could not suppose that any credence would be given to his wild assertion. It seemed to me that disappointment had caused him momentarily to lose his head.

  'Are you mad, White?'

  'No, sir. I can prove what I say. If I had not gone to London with him that last time, he'd have got away with the boy then, for certain.'

  For an instant an uneasy thought came to me that he might have something in reserve, something unknown to me, which had encouraged him to this direct attack. I dismissed the notion. There could be nothing.

  Mr Abney had turned to me with a look of hopeless bewilderment. I raised my eyebrows.

  'Ridiculous,' I said.

  That this was the only comment seemed to be Mr Abney's view. He turned on Sam with the pettish anger of the mild man.

  'What do you -mean-, White, by coming to me with such a preposterous story?'

  'I don't say Mr Burns wished to kidnap the boy in the ordinary way,' said Sam imperturbably, 'like those men who came that night. He had a special reason. Mr and Mrs Ford, as of course you know, sir, are divorced. Mr Burns was trying to get the boy away and take him back to his mother.'

  I heard Audrey give a little gasp. Mr Abney's anger became modified by a touch of doubt. I could see that these words, by lifting the accusation from the wholly absurd to the somewhat plausible, had impressed him. Once again I was gripped by the uneasy feeling that Sam had an unsuspected card to play. This might be bluff, but it had a sinister ring.

  'You might say,' went on Sam smoothly, 'that this was creditable to Mr Burns's heart. But, from my employer's viewpoint and yours, too, it was a chivalrous impulse that needed to be checked. Will you please read this, sir?'

  He handed a letter to Mr Abney, who adjusted his glasses and began to read--at first in a detached, judicial way, then with startled eagerness.

  'I felt it necessary to search among Mr Burns's papers, sir, in the hope of finding--'

  And then I knew what he had found. From the first the blue-grey notepaper had had a familiar look. I recognized it now. It was Cynthia's letter, that damning document which I had been mad enough to read to him in London. His prediction that the luck would change had come amazingly true.

  I caught Sam's eye. For the second time he was unfeeling enough to wink. It was a rich, comprehensive wink, as expressive and joyous as a college yell.

  Mr Abney had absorbed the letter and was struggling for speech. I could appreciate his emotion. If he had not actually been nurturing a viper in his bosom, he had come, from his point of view, very near it. Of all men, a schoolmaster necessarily looks with the heartiest dislike on the would-be kidnapper.

  As for me, my mind was in a whirl. I was entirely without a plan, without the very beginnings of a plan, to help me cope with this appalling situation. I was crushed by a sense of the utter helplessness of my position. To denounce Sam was impossible; to explain my comparative innocence was equally out of the question. The suddenness of the onslaught had deprived me of the power of coherent thought. I was routed.

  Mr Abney was speaking.

  'Is your name Peter, Mr Burns?'

  I nodded. Speech was beyond me.

  'This letter is written by--ah--by a lady. It asks you in set terms to--ah--hasten to kidnap Ogden Ford. Do you wish me to read it to you? Or do you confess to knowing its contents?'

  He waited for a reply. I had none to make.

  'You do not deny that you came to Sanstead House for the deliberate purpose of kidnapping Ogden Ford?'

  I had nothing to say. I caught a glimpse of Audrey's face, cold and hard, and shifted my eyes quickly. Mr Abney gulped. His face wore the reproachful expression of a cod-fish when jerked out of the water on the end of a line. He stared at me with pained repulsion. That scoundrelly old buccaneer Sam did the same. He looked like a shocked bishop.

  'I--ah--trusted you implicitly,' said Mr Abney.

  Sam wagged his head at me reproachfully. With a flicker of spirit I glared at him. He only wagged the more.

  It was, I think, the blackest moment of my life. A wild desire for escape on any terms surged over me. That look on Audrey's face was biting into my brain like an acid.

  'I will go and pac
k,' I said.

  'This is the end of all things,' I said to myself.

  I had suspended my packing in order to sit on my bed and brood. I was utterly depressed. There are crises in a man's life when Reason fails to bring the slightest consolation. In vain I tried to tell myself that what had happened was, in essence, precisely what, twenty-four hours ago, I was so eager to bring about. It amounted to this, that now, at last, Audrey had definitely gone out of my life. From now on I could have no relations with her of any sort. Was not this exactly what, twenty-four hours ago, I had wished? Twenty-four hours ago had I not said to myself that I would go away and never see her again? Undoubtedly. Nevertheless, I sat there and groaned in spirit.

  It was the end of all things.

  A mild voice interrupted my meditations.

  'Can I help?'

  Sam was standing in the doorway, beaming on me with invincible good-humour.

  'You are handling them wrong. Allow me. A moment more and you would have ruined the crease.'

  I became aware of a pair of trousers hanging limply in my grasp. He took them from me, and, folding them neatly, placed them in my trunk.

  'Don't get all worked up about it, sonny,' he said. 'It's the fortune of war. Besides, what does it matter to you? Judging by that very snug apartment in London, you have quite enough money for a young man. Losing your job here won't break you. And, if you're worrying about Mrs Ford and her feelings, don't! I guess she's probably forgotten all about the Nugget by this time. So cheer up. -You're- all right!'

  He stretched out a hand to pat me on the shoulder, then thought better of it and drew it back.

  'Think of -my- happiness, if you want something to make you feel good. Believe me, young man, it's -some-. I could sing! Gee, when I think that it's all plain sailing now and no more troubles, I could dance! You don't know what it means to me, putting through this deal. I wish you knew Mary! That's her name. You must come and visit us, sonny, when we're fixed up in the home. There'll always be a knife and fork for -you-. We'll make you one of the family! Lord! I can see the place as plain as I can see you. Nice frame house with a good porch.... Me in a rocker in my shirt-sleeves, smoking a cigar and reading the baseball news; Mary in another rocker, mending my socks and nursing the cat! We'll sure have a cat. Two cats. I like cats. And a goat in the front garden. Say, it'll be -great!-'

  And on the word, emotion overcoming prudence, he brought his fat hand down with a resounding smack on my bowed shoulders.

  There is a limit. I bounded to my feet.

  'Get out!' I yelped. 'Get out of here!'

  'Sure,' he replied agreeably. He rose without haste and regarded me compassionately. 'Cheer up, son! Be a sport!'

  There are moments when the best of men become melodramatic. I offer this as excuse for my next observation.

  Clenching my fists and glaring at him, I cried, 'I'll foil you yet, you hound!'

  Some people have no soul for the dramatic. He smiled tolerantly.

  'Sure,' he said. 'Anything you like, Desperate Desmond. Enjoy yourself!'

  And he left me.

  CHAPTER 13

  I evacuated Sanstead House unostentatiously, setting off on foot down the long drive. My luggage, I gathered, was to follow me to the station in a cart. I was thankful to Providence for the small mercy that the boys were in their classrooms and consequently unable to ask me questions. Augustus Beckford alone would have handled the subject of my premature exit in a manner calculated to bleach my hair.

  It was a wonderful morning. The sky was an unclouded blue, and a fresh breeze was blowing in from the sea. I think that something of the exhilaration of approaching spring must have stirred me, for quite suddenly the dull depression with which I had started my walk left me, and I found myself alert and full of schemes.

  Why should I feebly withdraw from the struggle? Why should I give in to Smooth Sam in this tame way? The memory of that wink came back to me with a tonic effect. I would show him that I was still a factor in the game. If the house was closed to me, was there not the 'Feathers'? I could lie in hiding there, and observe his movements unseen.

  I stopped on reaching the inn, and was on the point of entering and taking up my position at once, when it occurred to me that this would be a false move. It was possible that Sam would not take my departure for granted so readily as I assumed. It was Sam's way to do a thing thoroughly, and the probability was that, if he did not actually come to see me off, he would at least make inquiries at the station to find out if I had gone. I walked on.

  He was not at the station. Nor did he arrive in the cart with my trunk. But I was resolved to risk nothing. I bought a ticket for London, and boarded the London train. It had been my intention to leave it at Guildford and catch an afternoon train back to Stanstead; but it seemed to me, on reflection, that this was unnecessary. There was no likelihood of Sam making any move in the matter of the Nugget until the following day. I could take my time about returning.

  I spent the night in London, and arrived at Sanstead by an early morning train with a suit-case containing, among other things, a Browning pistol. I was a little ashamed of this purchase. To the Buck MacGinnis type of man, I suppose, a pistol is as commonplace a possession as a pair of shoes, but I blushed as I entered the gun-shop. If it had been Buck with whom I was about to deal, I should have felt less self-conscious. But there was something about Sam which made pistols ridiculous.

  My first act, after engaging a room at the inn and leaving my suit-case, was to walk to the school. Before doing anything else, I felt I must see Audrey and tell her the facts in the case of Smooth Sam. If she were on her guard, my assistance might not be needed. But her present state of trust in him was fatal.

  A school, when the boys are away, is a lonely place. The deserted air of the grounds, as I slipped cautiously through the trees, was almost eerie. A stillness brooded over everything, as if the place had been laid under a spell. Never before had I been so impressed with the isolation of Sanstead House. Anything might happen in this lonely spot, and the world would go on its way in ignorance. It was with quite distinct relief that, as I drew nearer the house, I caught sight of the wire of the telephone among the trees above my head. It had a practical, comforting look.

  A tradesman's cart rattled up the drive and disappeared round the side of the house. This reminder, also, of the outside world was pleasant. But I could not rid myself of the feeling that the atmosphere of the place was sinister. I attributed it to the fact that I was a spy in an enemy's country. I had to see without being seen. I did not imagine that Johnson, grocer, who had just passed in his cart, found anything wrong with the atmosphere. It was created for me by my own furtive attitude.

  Of Audrey and Ogden there were no signs. That they were out somewhere in the grounds this mellow spring morning I took for granted; but I could not make an extended search. Already I had come nearer to the house than was prudent.

  My eye caught the telephone wire again and an idea came to me. I would call her up from the inn and ask her to meet me. There was the risk that the call would be answered by Smooth Sam, but it was not great. Sam, unless he had thrown off his role of butler completely--which would be unlike the artist that he was--would be in the housekeeper's room, and the ringing of the telephone, which was in the study, would not penetrate to him.

  I chose a moment when dinner was likely to be over and Audrey might be expected to be in the drawing-room.

  I had deduced her movements correctly. It was her voice that answered the call.

  'This is Peter Burns speaking.'

  There was a perceptible pause before she replied. When she did, her voice was cold.

  'Yes?'

  'I want to speak to you on a matter of urgent importance.'

  'Well?'

  'I can't do it through the telephone. Will you meet me in half an hour's time at the gate?'

  'Where are you speaking from?'

  'The "Feathers". I am staying there.'

  'I thought yo
u were in London.'

  'I came back. Will you meet me?'

  She hesitated.

  'Why?'

  'Because I have something important to say to you--important to you.'

  There was another pause.

  'Very well.'

  'In half an hour, then. Is Ogden Ford in bed?'

  'Yes.'

  'Is his door locked?'

  'No.'

  'Then lock it and bring the key with you.'

  'Why?'

  'I will tell you when we meet.'

  'I will bring it.'

  'Thank you. Good-bye.'

  I hung up the receiver and set out at once for the school.

  She was waiting in the road, a small, indistinct figure in the darkness.

  'Is that you--Peter?'

  Her voice had hesitated at the name, as if at some obstacle. It was a trivial thing, but, in my present mood, it stung me.

  'I'm afraid I'm late. I won't keep you long. Shall we walk down the road? You may not have been followed, but it is as well to be on the safe side.'

  'Followed? I don't understand.'

  We walked a few paces and halted.

  'Who would follow me?'

  'A very eminent person of the name of Smooth Sam Fisher.'

  'Smooth Sam Fisher?'

  'Better known to you as White.'

  'I don't understand.'

  'I should be surprised if you did. I asked you to meet me here so that I could make you understand. The man who poses as a Pinkerton's detective, and is staying in the house to help you take care of Ogden Ford, is Smooth Sam Fisher, a professional kidnapper.'

  'But--but--'

  'But what proof have I? Was that what you were going to say? None. But I had the information from the man himself. He told me in the train that night going to London.'

  She spoke quickly. I knew from her tone that she thought she had detected a flaw in my story.

  'Why did he tell you?'

  'Because he needed me as an accomplice. He wanted my help. It was I who got Ogden away that day. Sam overheard me giving money and directions to him, telling him how to get away from the school and where to go, and he gathered--correctly--that I was in the same line of business as himself. He suggested a partnership which I was unable to accept.'