Let Her Go

by Let Her Go (retail) (epub)

  ‘In the meantime, eat some more cake. Go on, I remember what it was like. Babies are hard work, there’s no shame in admitting that!’

  Zoe laughed, but blushed. She was ashamed to admit things were hard on her own with a baby, especially with Lachlan being so preoccupied when he was home. She didn’t want to acknowledge that life with Louise was anything but perfect, and especially not to her sister.

  Nadia shifted Louise to her other arm. ‘That tea will be strong enough for me now, do you mind … ?’

  ‘Oh, sure, sorry.’

  She poured the tea into the mugs, started to look in the cupboard for the milk jug, then took out the plastic container from the fridge and plonked it on the bench. She reached for the baby, and this time, Nadia handed her over. Zoe cuddled her, and felt her heart start to settle. She kissed Louise’s head, and wrinkled her nose at the smell of Nadia’s perfume. At least she could wash out that remnant of her sister later.

  Chapter Twelve

  Zoe woke to the sound of Louise starting to whimper from her room. For a moment she willed her back to sleep, then remembered. It was Christmas Day, Louise’s first Christmas, and Lachlan was home. She smiled, pushed herself up on her elbows and turned to Lachlan, who was turned away from her. ‘Merry Christmas!’

  ‘What time is it?’ he muttered.

  ‘It’s almost six. The sun’s up!’ She leaned over and kissed his shoulder. ‘Try to be happy just for one day, please.’ She threw back the covers and walked towards Louise’s room.

  Louise was crying now, kicking her legs inside her thin sleeping bag. But when she saw Zoe, she stilled and quietened. Zoe paused, savouring the beautiful knowledge that Louise was soothed by her. Finally, she felt the bond between them strengthening; she’d always been strongly attached to Louise, but she’d feared it might never be reciprocated. That fear was ebbing away. She reached into the cot and lifted her up.

  ‘Merry Christmas, sweet pea!’ She kissed Louise’s chubby cheek and laughed as Louise opened her mouth and shook her head from side to side. ‘Let’s get your bottle, yes? And then we’ll see what Santa brought!’ Zoe pointed to the red felt stocking that she’d hung from the end of the cot after feeding Louise at three am. She thought back to her own happy childhood Christmases. Although at three months old, Louise was too young to know what was going on, Zoe still wanted to re-create that feeling for her. She had wanted to stay at home this Christmas, cook lunch herself, just the three of them, but last year they’d been to Lachlan’s parents’ place for lunch, and this year it was her mum’s turn. Nadia would be there too. Zoe pushed away the flutter of nerves; she still felt as though she had to continually show her gratitude whenever she saw Nadia, or that she was doing something wrong with Louise, revealing her inexperience. But it was Christmas, a time for family. They would have lunch, and then go to Lachlan’s parents’ in the afternoon. It was only a few hours, and then it would just be the three of them again.

  She took Louise back through for Lachlan to hold while she microwaved water in a bottle then added spoonfuls of formula. She shook it up while she went back through to the bedroom. ‘Do you want to give this to her?’

  Lachlan smiled and reached for the bottle. ‘Sure.’

  In the living room, Zoe switched on the television and found a music channel playing Christmas pop songs. She turned it up loud and hummed along as she made a pot of coffee, poured two glasses of fresh orange juice and switched on the oven to heat the chocolate croissants she’d bought yesterday. The day was warm already; although the breeze wasn’t in yet, she opened the front and back doors, leaving the flyscreens closed.

  Lachlan came through to the kitchen carrying Louise. He smiled at Zoe, but his eyes were bloodshot.

  ‘You didn’t sleep well?’ she said.

  He shrugged. ‘It was hot.’

  She nodded. ‘I tried to be quiet when I fed Louise.’

  ‘I know. It wasn’t you.’

  Zoe took a step towards him. ‘Here, give me the baby, I’ll go and get her changed. I said we’d be at Mum’s at about eleven so there’s plenty of time if you want to go for a swim down the beach?’

  ‘Yeah, I might do that.’

  ‘After breakfast and presents, OK? I got champagne so we can make buck’s fizz …’

  ‘That sounds great.’ His cheeks flushed; for a moment, Zoe thought he was going to cry. He blinked, then smiled at her.

  She smiled back. She was imagining it; he was just tired. After changing and dressing Louise, she took their camera out of her bedside table. She snapped a few pictures of Louise in her new red and green Christmas dress, then went through to the living room and put her in a bouncy chair.

  Zoe chattered to Lachlan over breakfast; afterwards, they sat on the rug in the living room, next to Louise. Zoe took one of Louise’s parcels out of the felt stocking, partially ripped open the paper, and jiggled it in front of her until she grabbed a piece of the paper and put her fist to her mouth.

  Zoe laughed. ‘Take a picture, Lachlan!’ She opened the present herself – a little padded book with pictures of farm animals – and then did the same for the rest of Louise’s presents.

  She had bought Lachlan some clothes, and a mug with a photo of Louise on it. She blushed when he frowned at it. ‘I thought you could take it up to work with you …’

  He laughed, but it sounded hollow. He handed her two presents: a new red diary, the same one that he bought her every year, and a voucher for a spa treatment. Zoe leaned over and hugged him. ‘Thank you. Now, I’m going to put Louise down for a nap – go have a swim while I tidy up and get dressed.’

  * * *

  Zoe closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to stop her stomach churning as Lachlan parked on the verge out the front of her parents’ house. She sighed deeply, but didn’t open the door.

  ‘It’ll be fine,’ he said.

  ‘I know. I know that, but I still feel … Never mind. I’m just being silly.’ She wanted him for once to acknowledge how difficult this whole situation was for her. Life was wonderful now, but Nadia was a constant reminder of the part of Louise that Zoe had missed out on. Every time she saw her sister, Zoe wondered if it would have been easier to have hired a surrogate overseas: the break would have been cleaner, the truth more quickly forgotten. But, she reminded herself, Nadia was Louise’s aunt. That was all. Families were built on relationships, not genes. Weren’t they?

  Lachlan squeezed her thigh, then took the keys out of the ignition and opened the door.

  Zoe bit her lip, sniffed, and wiped her eyes. She quickly got out and opened the back door to unstrap Louise.

  Rosemary and Martin answered the door together, and everyone kissed and hugged and wished each other a merry Christmas. ‘Come in!’ Martin said. ‘Nadia and Eddie are out the back with the kids – they brought their new bikes and scooters and God knows what else from Santa!’

  ‘Great!’ Zoe said.

  ‘Merry Christmas, Louise!’ Rosemary said, taking her from Zoe. ‘Isn’t it wonderful? Her first Christmas!’

  Rosemary had draped strings of silver tinsel around the picture frames on the wall, the vases and lamps, and a gold, shiny banner hung above the patio doors. The tree in the corner of the living room was the same one they had brought down from the loft every Christmas for as long as Zoe could remember, though the plastic needles had gradually dropped off. Red and green baubles dangled from the branches, and foil-wrapped chocolates hung by loops of thread. Zoe smiled when she saw the angel that she had made in junior school, with its ping-pong ball head and a cone of felt for a dress. Under the tree were piles of presents, and a plastic Santa that Zoe knew sang ‘Rocking Around the Christmas Tree’ and danced when it was turned on, as it inevitably would be after lunch. Zoe put her own plastic bag of presents under the tree with the others; they always waited until after lunch to open them.

  She heard Louise start to cry behind her. Somewhere in her gut, her muscles contracted, and she involuntarily turned towards
the sound. Everyone was outside on the deck. Her mum was bouncing the baby over her shoulder; Nadia was patting her back. That wouldn’t work, that wasn’t what Louise liked. She was tired; she needed to lie down somewhere quiet and suck her dummy, not have everyone fuss over her and jiggle her around. But if Zoe ran over there, she would look insecure. Louise was fine; it was all fine. She cleared her throat then rearranged the presents under the tree.

  Louise cried again. This time, Zoe would go; she’d given them a chance to settle her, but Louise needed her, her mum. She walked towards the door, then saw Nadia take Louise from Rosemary. Louise stopped crying. Nadia held her in the crook of her arm and rocked her from side to side. As she did so, she gazed into Louise’s eyes, and Zoe could see from the way her lips moved that she was singing. Louise’s little fists relaxed. Zoe’s heart almost stopped. Louise’s eyes were open and bright and she stared into Nadia’s eyes with a tiny smile on her little red lips, hypnotised. Nadia looked down at her with her head tilted. The precursor of the mirror is the mother’s face. Zoe now understood what that line meant; it was from a book about mother and infant attachment she’d read when she was watching Nadia’s abdomen grow, with a mixture of excitement and envy about what she was missing out on. Zoe knew Louise could see her own image in Nadia’s face. Nadia had gathered up Louise’s anxiety, held it until it burned away, then reflected the security back to her. She could almost hear Louise’s heart rate settle and feel her blood pressure falling. Zoe almost cried out. Lachlan was chatting to Eddie; neither of them had noticed. She hurried over to Nadia. ‘Is she OK?’

  ‘She’s perfect!’ said Nadia, not taking her eyes off Louise. ‘She’s just gorgeous, Zoe!’

  Zoe swallowed, wishing she could take credit for that. ‘Thanks. Do you want me to take her?’

  Nadia shook her head. ‘No, we’re fine, aren’t we, Louise? Don’t worry, go and sit down, have a drink. I know what it’s like with a little baby, you never get a minute to yourself – go and relax. It’s been a long time since mine were babies …’

  ‘I don’t mind, when she’s tired, she —’

  ‘Zoe, honestly, we’re fine. Go and have a drink!’

  Zoe smiled, but her eyes began to blur. She nodded, turning away. What she really wanted to do was grab Louise and go home. She walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. As she sipped it, her mum came back through to the kitchen and took out two punnets of strawberries from the fridge. She took a chopping board out of a cupboard, then reached for a knife from the block.

  ‘You want a hand, Mum?’

  ‘No, no, it’s OK, go and relax.’

  ‘You sure?’ Zoe said quietly.

  ‘Yes, I’ve got everything under control.’ Rosemary bustled past Zoe and started chopping the fruit. ‘Go and sit down, Zoe, you’re in my way.’

  ‘Sorry.’ Zoe picked up her glass and walked back towards the patio doors. Lachlan and Eddie leaned on the wooden garden table drinking beer; Martin was basting the turkey in the Weber. The children were on the lawn, paddling in a blue plastic clamshell filled with water. Nadia was sitting in a garden chair, humming to Louise. Zoe brushed away a tear. Why wasn’t she happy? She had everything she wanted. Why did she feel as if she was intruding on a painted scene, her body daubed in the corner as an afterthought?

  A painted ship on a painted ocean.

  * * *

  There was far too much food, as usual. The turkey, wrapped in foil, was resting on top of the oven, and a huge glazed ham, scored and dotted with cloves, sat on a platter. The dining table was covered with a dark green tablecloth, set with the best cutlery, sparkling glasses, and Christmas crackers. In the centre, next to a small wooden reindeer and a ceramic angel, was a big plate of barbecued prawns, marinated in coriander and chilli, with segments of lemon wedged around the edges, as well as a bowl of cold, unshelled prawns. An unopened bottle of Marie Rose sauce was next to it. The six adults were seated at the dining table.

  Next to the adults’ table, Rosemary had covered a smaller table with a crepe-paper tablecloth with pictures of Santa. Charlotte, Violet and Harry sat around it, already eating their bread rolls while they waited for lunch. Louise was in the spare room, asleep in a travel cot.

  Rosemary put a tray of vegetables in the oven then wiped a strand of hair off her forehead as she walked back to the table. ‘Get started, everyone, don’t let it get cold,’ she said. ‘Oh, Martin, put on the air-con, would you?’

  ‘Eddie, these look amazing, thanks for bringing them,’ Zoe said.

  Eddie grinned. ‘Thanks! Hope they taste as good!’

  Zoe reached for a prawn, smiling at Martin as he did the same.

  ‘Ah, hold on.’ Martin stood up and licked his fingers, then wiped them on his napkin. ‘Drinks!’

  They all waited while he went outside to the fridge on the deck, and came back with a bottle of champagne. He popped the cork, and everyone laughed as the bubbles foamed up and trickled down the outside of the bottle.

  ‘Quick!’ Nadia squealed, holding out her glass to be filled.

  Martin filled all their glasses, while Rosemary poured the kids tumblers of lemonade, then Martin stood up again. ‘Merry Christmas, everyone!’

  ‘And especially to our newest granddaughter on her very first Christmas!’ Rosemary added.

  Zoe smiled, overwhelmed with tenderness towards her family. She had to stop worrying so much; she was so lucky. They all raised their glasses and clinked them together. Nadia went over to the kids’ table and did the same with her giggling children, then gave each of them a kiss. Zoe watched her, and smiled. It was nice to see her, after all.

  After the entree, the table was laden with the turkey, ham, potatoes, trays of roasted vegetables, jars of cranberry sauce, pots of mustard. Everyone ate and drank, and Zoe felt herself relaxing. When Louise woke up, she didn’t jump up to get her immediately; she let Nadia go to her and instead helped Rosemary clear the table. She reminded herself that she had done the same thing herself when her sister’s children were young; there was nothing sinister in wanting to hold a baby, it was a natural instinct. She filled the sink with hot water and detergent and chatted to her mother while Rosemary whipped the cream for the pavlova.

  When they had all sat down for dessert, the children wriggling in their seats with excitement, Nadia picked up her spoon and tapped it against her wine glass. She cleared her throat.

  ‘Just before we start eating even more food, I’ve got something I want to say. First of all, thank you, Rosemary, Dad, for all this.’ She held out her arms over the table. ‘And I want to say an especially happy first Christmas to baby Louise.’ She inclined her head and smiled at Lachlan, who was feeding Louise her bottle.

  Zoe kept smiling, but she felt a flutter of anxiety in her stomach. She glanced at Lachlan, but he was smiling back at Nadia.

  Nadia licked her lips, then took a sip of her wine, clearly not finished her speech. She put the glass down, slowly, and glanced at her children, then Eddie. ‘I also have some news – well, we have some news.’

  Zoe held her breath, trying to ignore the building dread. What news? Nadia couldn’t be pregnant again, could she? A jolt of jealousy shot through Zoe; why was it so damn easy for her? No, she told herself, Nadia was drinking; she couldn’t be pregnant.

  ‘Gosh,’ Nadia laughed. ‘You all look so serious! Well, I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but since Louise was born, I’ve realised how important family is to me, and so we’re moving back to Perth!’

  ‘But you only live an hour away!’ Zoe said, before she could stop herself.

  ‘I know, but Eddie’s spending so much time travelling to and from the city for work every day, and the kids are getting older and I want them to go to better schools. And anyway, an hour is too far now that the kids have a new cousin!’

  ‘That’s great,’ Martin said. ‘It’ll be fantastic to have you a bit closer. You won’t miss the space you have?’

  Eddie shrugged. ‘A bit,
but it means I can spend more time at home with the kids, make it easier for Nadia. At the moment I barely see them, they’re often in bed by the time I get home.’

  ‘That’ll be so nice for them,’ Martin said, smiling over at Charlotte, Violet and Harry.

  Zoe kept the smile fixed on her face, but it felt like the room was spinning. She didn’t want Nadia any closer. ‘Where will you move to?’

  ‘Somewhere around here, close to all of you. We’ll rent our house out for now and keep it as an investment property, then we’ll just find a rental near here to get us started,’ said Nadia. ‘I’ve enrolled all the kids in school here from the start of next term.’

  ‘Wow, that soon? That’s only a month away.’

  ‘Yeah, well, I thought it was better to start them there at the beginning of the year so there’s no more disruption to their lives.’

  ‘Makes sense. Well, congratulations, it’s a big decision but it sounds like it’s the right one for your family.’ Zoe tried to make her voice sound light-hearted.

  ‘Well, that’s great news, we look forward to it!’ Rosemary said.

  Nadia started to chatter about rental property prices. Zoe picked at a serving of trifle, then took Louise from Lachlan and went to sit outside in the shade. She hoped that Lachlan would notice and come to sit with them, but he opened another beer with Eddie and Martin, and kept on drinking.

  * * *

  Zoe held it together through the rest of lunch. She drank a big glass of water, already feeling hungover from the alcohol, then made herself a coffee, pulled crackers with the children, put on a red paper hat and read out the lame jokes.

  After the meal, Martin disappeared into his bedroom, then came out wearing a fake white beard and a Santa hat. ‘Ho ho ho,’ he said in a deep voice.