Get Smart 9 - Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair

by William Johnston

  The men cleared a small passageway and Max and 99 and the conductor squeezed past, then reached a small, wispy, saucer-eyed, nervous-looking man who was seated at the controls of the train.

  “Arbuthnot,” the conductor said to the man, “look what I caught!” He seemed proud.

  Arbuthnot, KAOS’s master assassin, looked at Max and 99 and screamed. “Control agents! Get them out of here! Control agents have germs!” He then fainted.

  “Wheeeee!” the man standing behind Arbuthnot shouted. “Now, it’s my turn.” He shoved Arbuthnot out of the seat and took his place at the controls.

  “Give me a hand here,” the conductor said to Max and 99. “You two pick him up and carry him back to the lounge car. He looks like he needs a good stiff chocolate soda.”

  “You said ‘give you a hand’,” Max replied. “What are you going to be doing?”

  “Somebody has to carry the gun,” the conductor pointed out.

  Max and 99 picked up Arbuthnot, who weighed not much more than a feather pillow, and maneuvered him out of the crowded engine, then headed back down the aisle with him toward the lounge car.

  “Those men in the engine—” Max said to the conductor. “Were they, by any chance, a contingent of KAOS assassins on the way to a secret siminar?”

  “That’s Classified information,” the conductor replied.

  “How about this, then?” Max said. “What are all those KAOS assassins who are on their way to a secret seminar doing up there in the engine? Is that Classified?”

  “Oh, no—I can tell you that,” the conductor replied. “When we were planning this trip, we voted on whether to travel by stolen plane or stolen train. Well, stolen train won by a wide margin. Almost all of us, we discovered, had a secret hankering to drive a train. I was the only one who didn’t—and I had a secret hankering to take tickets on a train and walk up and down the aisle calling ‘Lunch is now being served in the dining car.’ So, we hijacked this train to take us to the secret meeting place. That’s why all those KAOS assassins who are on their way to a secret seminar are up there in the engine. They’re playing engineer. Scratch a ruthless, hardbitten KAOS assassin, and, every time, you’ll find a cutesy-pie little kid underneath.”

  “Assassinating all the other passengers—I suppose that was a kid trick, too!” 99 said.

  “Are you kidding?” the conductor replied, hurt. “The way that was done? That had real technique—it was professional. A kid would’ve just gone through the cars with a machine gun, blasting away. It would’ve been fun, sure. But no technique.”

  “He’s right, 99,” Max said. “There was certainly nothing amateurish about the way he wiped out those passengers. I think you owe him an apology.”

  “Sorry . . .” 99 said.

  They had reached the lounge car. Max and 99 put Arbuthnot in a chair. The the conductor mixed a chocolate soda—straight—and waved it under the master assassin’s nose. He stirred. His eyes opened. After a sip of the chocolate soda he regained full consciousness. But when he saw Max and 99 he looked as if he were going to faint again.

  “Get away!” he shrieked at Max and 99. “I don’t want your Control germs!”

  The conductor took Max and 99 to the far end of the car. “Stay right here,” he ordered. “Arbuthnot’s got a thing about germs. He’s a regular nut on the subject. You ought to see him when he starts out on an assignment to assassinate somebody. He puts on a face mask and rubber gloves and sterilizes his gun or knife or poison—as the case may be—and—”

  “Come back here!” Arbuthnot called to the conductor. “Do you want to catch something!”

  The conductor left Max and 99 at the end of the car and walked back to where Arbuthnot was seated.

  “Well,” Arbuthnot called to Max and 99, “so you were sent by Control to follow us and locate our secret meeting place, were you?”

  “Sorry,” Max shouted back, “but that’s Classified information.”

  “Which?” Arbuthnot asked. “That you were sent by Control? Or that you were sent to locate our secret meeting place?”

  “Both,” Max replied.

  “Shall I take them to lunch in the dining car?” the conductor asked Arbuthnot.

  “No—we’ll keep them alive,” Arbuthnot replied. “We’ll use them as hostages in case Control happens to find out where we’re holding our secret meeting. When we get—”

  The train suddenly jerked to a halt. Max and 99 were thrown against the end of the car, and Arbuthnot and the conductor were hurled down the aisle and ended up in a tangle with Max and 99.

  “Get me out of this!” Arbuthnot screeched. “I’m getting their germs all over me! Ugh!” In panic, he scrambled out of the tangle, then raced to the other end of the car and huddled in a corner. There, crouching, he got out a spray bottle and began spraying the surrounding air and himself with disinfectant.

  Max and 99 were so fascinated by Arbuthnot’s performance that they made no effort to try to escape. As a result, the conductor was able to disentangle himself and get the drop on them again.

  The train began moving once more.

  “Well . . . that went pretty smoothly,” the conductor said, pleased.

  “Smoothly?” Max said. “That was the roughest whatever-it-was I’ve ever experienced. What was it?”

  “We just switched from the main track to a side track,” the conductor replied. “The side track will take us to the secret meeting place. Nobody will know where we are.”

  “I doubt that,” Max said. “Won’t the railroad miss the train when it doesn’t arrive at its destination?”

  “They’ll just think it’s late,” the conductor replied. “Who ever heard of a train arriving at its destination on time?”

  “You’re probably right about that,” Max admitted. “But the place this track takes the train to—won’t the people there be a little suspicious of a train that arrives with only two passengers and a crew of fumblethumbs running it?”

  The conductor grinned broadly. “Boy, are you in for a surprise!” he said.

  Again, the train suddenly halted. Max and 99 and the conductor were thrown against the end of the car once more. Arbuthnot, however, flattened himself in the aisle this time, avoiding being hurled the length of the car.

  “All out for Los Angeles!” the conductor shouted, rising. “End of the line! All out for Los Angeles!”

  “Los Angeles?” 99 said doubtfully, as she and Max got to their feet. “You mean we traveled all the way across the country in that short time? I don’t believe it.”

  “Not that Los Angeles,” the conductor explained. “This is the other Los Angeles.”

  “Get them out of here!” Arbuthnot bellowed from the other end of the car. “I want to fumigate the place!”

  The conductor gestured to Max and 99 with his pistol. As they left the car, they saw Arbuthnot beginning to spray the interior with the disinfectant.

  “Max! Look!” 99 said, as they stepped down from the car. “It’s—It’s— It’s a ghost town!”

  “Yes,” Max said, looking around at the deserted streets and ramshackle buildings. He turned to the conductor. “Well, you were certainly right—I am surprised. Where are we?”

  “I told you—this is the other Los Angeles,” the conductor replied. “This, in fact, is the original. A bunch of people from Iowa and Nebraska settled here a long time ago and named the place Los Angeles. But they found out they were too far from the freeways, so they moved out west and took the name with them.” He chuckled. “But, the joke was on them,” he continued. “They found out when they got out there that they couldn’t get their covered wagons onto the freeways, anyway. The car traffic was too heavy—you know?”

  Arbuthnot appeared in the doorway of the car. He looked down at the dusty street. “Eeeeeek!” he screeched. He tossed the spray bottle to the conductor. “Disinfect it!” he commanded.

  The conductor sprayed the dust. Then he started to toss the spray bottle back to Arbuthnot.


  “Wait!” Arbuthnot shouted. “It’s covered with your germs!” he said. He got out another spray bottle and lobbed it to the conductor. “Disinfect it first,” he ordered.

  The conductor sprayed the first spray bottle with spray from the second spray bottle, then tossed it to Arbuthnot. He kept the second spray bottle because by then, of course, it was loaded with germs.

  “I won’t set a foot in that filthy place until it’s sprayed,” Arbuthnot said. “Take the prisoners with you and disinfect the whole town. When you’re finished, signal, and we’ll all meet at the saloon.”

  Max and 99 were marched off by the conductor. They met the other assassins, who were descending from the engine. Then, from the baggage car, the conductor got a case of spray bottles. He handed them out and the assassins dispersed and began disinfecting the buildings and the streets.

  The conductor put Max and 99 to work spraying the hotel, while he followed along behind, holding his pistol on them. They disinfected the lobby, then the dining room, then the kitchen. After that, they went upstairs and disinfected all the bedrooms. Then they left the hotel and crossed the street to the saloon. The other assassins, save for one, were waiting for them.

  “Where’s Fred?” the conductor asked.

  No one knew.

  “Oh, well, he’ll be along,” the conductor said. He raised his pistol and fired a shot, signalling to Arbuthnot.

  From overhead there was a scream.

  “That was Fred,” one of the assassins said. “I forgot—he said he was going up to spray the roof.”

  The conductor frowned. “I wonder how that’ll read on my record?” he said. “Is it a plus or a minus if you assassinate one of your own men?”

  That started a discussion among the assassins. But it was interrupted a few minutes later by the arrival of Arbuthnot.

  “Spray the prisoners again,” Arbuthnot ordered from the doorway.

  The conductor disinfected Max and 99 once more.

  Arbuthnot sniffed the air. “Good,” he said. “Not a living germ within miles, now.” He entered the saloon and began looking around. There was a long bar with a long mirror behind it and a number of tables and chairs. The walls were elaborately panelled. The floor was made of wide planks that had large cracks between them.

  As Arbuthnot inspected the premises, the other assassins watched him closely, waiting for his judgment. The conductor kept the spray bottle poised, ready to disinfect anything that might elicit his displeasure. Max and 99 stood apart from the others.

  “Now, Max,” 99 whispered. “Rub the Coolidge-head penny and signal our location to the Chief.”

  “Not yet, 99,” Max whispered back. “That may be exactly what Arbuthnot wants. This could be a trick. Don’t forget—the conductor recognized us instantly as Control agents—it’s possible that he knew all along that we were on the train. And if he knew that, maybe he knows about the plan to signal the location of the meeting to the Chief. For all we know, Arbuthnot ordered this stop at this ghost town for our benefit. Perhaps he wants us to signal the Chief, and, after we do, he’ll move on to some other location. We’re not dealing with a common-ordinary bad guy, 99. Arbuthnot is brilliant. A kook, yes—but brilliant.”

  “Max,” 99 whispered, “I think you’re giving him too much credit. How could he possibly know about the Coolidge-head penny?”

  “I didn’t say he knows about the penny, 99. I said he may know that we’re going to signal. He may be waiting for us to make our move and reveal our method. So, as soon as I can attract his attention, I’m going to flip the penny. And if he tries to get it from me, I’ll rub it quickly and alert the Chief to our whereabouts.”

  “Max,” 99 said worriedly, “I think that’s—”

  But Arbuthnot had finished his inspection. “Well, it’s not the Grand Forks, North Dakota, Hilton,” he said, “but, on the other hand, we won’t have a lot of strangers wandering in and out of the lobby and breathing their germs on us. We ought to be able to get a lot of work done.” He indicated Max and 99. “Put them away somewhere for safe-keeping,” he said to the conductor.

  “Just a minute,” Max said, getting the Coolidge-head penny from his pocket. “As one of the abductees in this arrangement, I would like—”

  “One of the whats?” Arbuthnot asked.

  “Abductees,” Max replied. “You and your fellow assassins are the abductors and we are the abductees.” He flipped the penny and caught it. “As one of the abductees—” Again, he flipped the coin and caught it. “Yes? Did you want to interrupt me for something?” he asked Arbuthnot.

  Arbuthnot shook his head.

  “As one of the abductees—” Max continued. He flipped the penny and snatched it from the air once more. “Did you mention something about an interest in odd coins?” he asked.

  “Not me,” Arbuthnot replied. “I never go near them. Odd coins have odd germs.” He addressed the conductor again. “Get them out of here,” he said.

  “This is your final chance,” Max said. He flipped the penny into the air again.

  “Max!” 99 hissed. “Stop flipping that penny and—”

  He turned to her. “What did you say, 99? I was busy flipping the—”

  There was a clink. Max had failed to catch the penny and it had dropped to the floor.

  “Max!”

  The Coolidge-head penny was rolling across the floor. Max dashed after it.

  But just then, Arbuthnot shouted, “Spray it! He was handling it—it’s germ-infested!”

  And as Max was about to reach the penny, the conductor sprayed. The spray missed the coin and hit Max straight in the face. And the Coolidge-head penny got away and rolled down a crack between two planks.

  “Max! It’s gone!” 99 cried.

  Max was wiping spray from his face. “Gone where?” he replied, on the brink of panic.

  “All this excitement about a penny?” Arbuthnot asked. “You people in Control sure must be poorly-paid.” He spoke to the conductor again. “Get them out of here!” he said.

  “Just let me get that penny!” Max protested. “Where did it go?”

  “It’s too late, Max!” 99 told him. “It dropped through the floor.”

  “Oh,” Max replied, looking pained. He thought a second, then spoke to Arbuthnot. “I wonder if I could borrow a few of your assassins for a minute to help me pull up these planks,” he said.

  “Enough!” Arbuthnot screeched. He turned to the conductor, “Take care of him!” he commanded.

  The conductor dug into his pocket, got out some change, and handed a penny to Max. “There—now, we’re square,” he said.

  “That’s not what I meant!” Arbuthnot screamed. “You’re an assassin, not a banker! When I say ‘take care of him,’ I mean— Oh, nevermind. Just get them out of here! All this commotion is stirring up the germs!”

  4.

  THE CONDUCTOR motioned to Max and 99, directing them outside. When they reached the street, he ordered them to halt. Then he glanced about, looking for a place to imprison them,

  “How about putting us back on the train,” Max suggested. “You could lock us in the baggage car.”

  “If it’s your idea, it couldn’t be any good,” the conductor replied.

  “Why don’t you lock us in a room in the hotel,” 99 suggested.

  The conductor looked shocked.

  “It’s all right—we’re married,” 99 assured him.

  The conductor looked suspicious. “Yeah? That’s what they all say. Let’s see your marriage license.”

  “I don’t carry it with me,” Max said. “But, use your head—why would we want to be locked in the same hotel room if we weren’t married?”

  The conductor thought for a moment. “I don’t know,” he said finally. “But, you’re so anxious, there must be something you could do. And you’re not going to use me for your patsy. I’ll think of someplace else to lock you up. There must be—” He suddenly brightened. “Sure! There’s always an abandoned mine in these old ghos
t towns.” He shaded his eyes and squinted toward the hills. “It’s up there somewhere,” he said. He motioned with the pistol again. “March!”

  Max, 99 and the conductor left the town and walked to the foothills. After a short search, the conductor located the entrance to an abandoned mine.

  “See? I knew it would be here,” he said. “You watch educational TV and you learn a lot of things.”

  “Oh? What did you see this on?” Max asked. “ ‘Abandoned Mines and Other Curious Natural Phenomena’?”

  The conductor shook his head. “In a movie,” he replied. “ ‘Abbott & Constello Meet Wolf Man on the Planet of the Ants.’ It was about this beautiful girl who was engaged to marry the local banker’s son because her father couldn’t keep up the mortgage payments on his Dairy Queen stand. Abbott was masquerading as the girl, and Costello was chasing him across the ice, assisted by a pack of ravenous ants, when suddenly the ice broke and they dropped into this abandoned mine. I remember it because, although they were supposed to be shooting the picture on location in Antarctica, I kept catching glimpses of a sign saying ‘Los Angeles City Limits,’ and we’re in Los Angeles now, aren’t we?”

  “You’re right,” Max replied. “You watch educational TV and you learn a lot of things.”

  Again, the conductor gestured with the gun. “Inside!” he said.

  “Have you noticed,” Max said, “that there’s no door on this abandoned mine? How do you intend to lock us in?”

  “A rock slide,” the conductor replied. “That’s how it was done in ‘Abbott & Constello Meet—’ Nevermind. Just watch—I’ll show you.”

  Max and 99 entered the abandoned mine. Then the conductor pointed his pistol into the air and fired it. There was a loud rumbling noise. A moment later, rocks came crashing down and completely covered the entrance to the abandoned mine, leaving Max and 99 trapped inside in total darkness.

  “That’s how,” the conductor called in to them. “It has something to do with sound waves, I think. Either that or I’m magic.”

  “Sound waves is my guess,” Max shouted back. “But how are you going to open that rock slide when it’s time to feed us?”