The Way You Love Me (The Lawsons of Louisiana Book 5)

by Donna Hill

  * * *

  The sound of one of the midday talk shows filtered into her room. It sounded like that doctor that Oprah made famous. For a moment Bailey saw herself in the guest seat surrounded by her siblings and wondered what sage advice the good doctor would have for her. How many hours of counseling would the Sinclair family need?

  Bailey fastened the button on her black jeans and pulled a black fitted T-shirt over her head, dug in her top dresser drawer and pulled out a burned-orange-and-gold oblong scarf. She piled her hair on top of her head and then fashioned the scarf into a headband. She added a pair of silver hoop earrings and then threaded a silver-toned belt through the loops of her jeans.

  All the little details of getting ready to go out with Justin kept her mind off what Apryl had said. Almost.

  She leaned closer to the mirror to coat her lashes with mascara, and as she looked into her reflection, she wondered if her other sister saw her the same way that Apryl did.

  Bailey straightened, drew in a steadying breath and turned away from the truth. She barely heard the faint ping-pong of the downstairs doorbell cut through the sound of applause coming from the television; a sure sign of another successful intervention from the good doctor. She glanced at her watch. It wasn’t even twelve thirty. It couldn’t be Justin. She walked barefoot to the front of the apartment, but Apryl had already buzzed the door.

  “Who was that?”

  Apryl shrugged. “I thought I pressed Talk but I guess I pressed Door. She plopped down on the couch and winced from the impact.

  Bailey huffed and shook her head in concert with the knock on her apartment door. She peered through the peephole. Justin. Damn it. She’d intended to meet him downstairs. She opened the door and as tense and off balance as she felt, the sensations began to dissipate when she looked into Justin’s eyes and watched the heart-melting smile illuminate the space around them.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey yourself.”

  “I know I’m a little early. I made quick work of whipping Carl’s ass so that you and I could spend more time together.”

  Bailey grinned. “Humble, aren’t we.”

  “When you got it, you got it.” He winked.

  Well, she couldn’t stand there in the doorway making small talk. He’d have to see where and how she lived at some point. She took his hand. “Come on in. I need some shoes.” She glanced down at her bare feet.

  “Yep. I would say so.”

  Bailey led him inside.

  “Apryl, hello. How are you feeling?” He came over and sat next to her on the couch.

  Bailey hesitated for a moment then went to her room. The quicker she got ready, the better.

  “Coming along,” Apryl said.

  “You had your sister really worried. We’re glad that you’re okay. Listen—” he lowered his voice “—I wanted to thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For hanging tough last night. Bailey needed some downtime. She’s been dealing with a lot lately.” He flashed that smile.

  Apryl’s stiff demeanor softened. “It’s not a problem. I told her she needs to enjoy herself. The pain pills had me in la-la land anyway.”

  “I still wanted to thank you.”

  “Ready,” Bailey announced.

  Justin pushed up from his spot next to Apryl. “You take it easy. When you’re up to it maybe we can all do something together.”

  “Three’s a crowd.”

  “Never. You’re Bailey’s sister. Family.”

  Apryl’s gaze drifted toward her sister.

  Bailey’s chest tightened. She didn’t want to believe that she saw regret in her sister’s demeanor. It was what she wanted but not what she expected.

  Justin draped his arm across Bailey’s shoulders, and they walked out.

  “Everything okay?” he asked while he opened the door to the Navigator.

  “Yes. Fine. Why?” She hopped up inside, and Justin shut the door.

  He got in behind the wheel and secured his seat belt then turned on the ignition. “Because things seemed kind of strained between you and your sister.” When Bailey only looked straight ahead, he continued. “Am I wrong?”

  “Not entirely.”

  “You want to talk about it?”

  She shook her head. “Not now. Maybe later.”

  Justin studied her profile. He was used to sibling squabbles. Growing up in a house full of strong-willed, opinionated people, conflict was inevitable. This was something different. For now he’d leave it alone. Bailey was as stubborn as he was. She’d tell him when she was ready.

  “So,” she said, shoving cheer into her voice. “Where are we going?”

  “Thought I’d drive us down to the pier and we could board the Ole Miss for the midday cruise. How’s that sound?”

  Bailey beamed a genuine smile. “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

  “You mean you’re a born and raised Louisiana girl and you’ve never been on Ole Miss?”

  “Nope.”

  “That ends today. As a matter of fact, I’m going to make it my mission to take you to all the places you’ve wanted to go but have never been.”

  Bailey adjusted her body toward him. They stopped at a light.

  “Why?” she whispered.

  Justin frowned. “Why what?”

  “Why do you do what you do for me?” She needed him to look her in the eye. She needed to know that it was more than just sex, more than simply taking a walk on the other side, more than one of his projects that he thought he could fix.

  “Can’t it simply be because I care about you, really care about you? I want to see you smile. I want to see the light in your eyes when you’re excited. I want you to be happy.”

  “What makes you think I’m not happy or that I need you or any man to make me happy?”

  His features constricted as if struck with a sudden pain, but she couldn’t stop the words that continued to flow.

  “Men always think that the poor, helpless woman needs the big strong man to rescue her from her mundane life.” Flashes of the numerous “uncles” ran through her head. “I don’t. I’m not one of those women.” She wasn’t like her mother.

  Bailey watched his jaw tighten and his fingers grip the steering wheel.

  “For what it’s worth, Bailey, I’m not one of those men,” he said quietly.

  * * *

  The midday cruise on Ole Miss was strained to say the least. They made small talk about the weather, avoided eye contact and murmured about the cuisine.

  The drive back home to her apartment was more awkward than the past couple of hours.

  Justin kept his eyes on the road and hummed tunelessly along to the music coming from the speakers as if she wasn’t there. She couldn’t blame him.

  Bailey knew she’d gone too far. She’d intentionally hurt him when that unnamed fear put those words into her mouth, even though deep in her soul she knew she had nothing to fear from Justin. But that didn’t stop the phantom of her past from materializing.

  They pulled up in front of her apartment building. Justin popped open the lock from the panel on his armrest.

  “Safe and sound.”

  Bailey focused on her entwined fingers. “Thanks. The cruise was great.”

  Justin didn’t respond.

  Bailey reached for the door handle, stopped, glanced over her shoulder then opened the door and got out. The Navigator pulled off before she could reach her front step.

  Chapter 18

  “You said what?” Addison ground out from between her teeth, practically leaping over the bar in the process.

  Bailey pushed Addison’s mimosa in front of her. “I know. I know.” She ran her fingers through her twist of curls.

  The Mercury Lounge
was relatively quiet. Bailey was grateful for that. It was hard to concentrate with flashes of her crazy rant at Justin running through her head. When Addison had called her earlier, she couldn’t keep the ache out of her voice that Addison easily picked up on. Addison was insistent on coming straight to Bailey’s apartment, but Bailey didn’t want Apryl to overhear anything. She still had Apryl’s revelation to deal with, but it stung too much at the moment. She knew if she talked to her sister with the mental space that she was in, she’d say something to Apryl that she wouldn’t be able to take back. So she’d finally agreed to talk with Addison at the bar.

  Addison took a swallow of her drink. “What would make you say something like that?”

  Bailey slowed her busy work of wiping the bar top and gripped the edge with her fingertips. “I’d gotten into a thing with Apryl.” She replayed the conversation.

  “That little ungrateful...” She held up her hand to stop herself. “I know she’s your sister, but give me five minutes with her in the bathroom.”

  Bailey laughed for the first time in hours. “Addy, you need to stop.”

  “Humph, you think I’m joking.” She rolled her eyes. “So instead of enjoying your afternoon with that fine specimen of a man, you jump all over him instead of Apryl.”

  “Something like that,” she admitted.

  “That’s only part of it.”

  Bailey’s gaze rose to meet Addison’s all-seeing one. “What do you mean?”

  “You know what I mean. The instant anyone gets close to you, you get radioactive.” She touched Bailey’s fingers. “At some point you’ve got to stop being afraid that to allow yourself to love, to open your heart, that you’re going to turn into your mother.”

  Bailey’s nostrils flared. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Don’t I? I’m your friend, B. Your best friend. I’ve been hip to hip with you through all the bull. So, yeah, I do know. At some point you’re going to have to step out of Phyllis’s shadow and walk in your own light.”

  “I heard myself,” she said in a faraway voice. “I heard the words. I saw what they were doing, and I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to hurt him...”

  “Before he hurt you.”

  Bailey blinked back the water in her eyes.

  “The way I see it, you can chalk this up and blow maybe the best thing that’s happened to you in a while, or you can take your ass over there and be honest with him—about everything. If he can’t deal then it wouldn’t have worked anyway. But if he can—” she looked into Bailey’s eyes “—happiness is waiting for you.”

  * * *

  Justin stepped out of the shower and draped a towel around his waist. He used a hand towel to wipe away the steam on the mirror. He examined his reflection. He could see the hard line of his father’s jaw and the warmth of his mother’s eyes. His mother would be proud of what he’d accomplished and would have been rooting for his success with The Justice Project. His father, on the other hand, grudgingly accepted his decision to leave the firm while at the same time reminding him that he was ruining his career. It would always be difficult for his father and his uncles to understand and accept that their children were just as stubborn and driven as they were, and that they’d carve their own paths.

  Justin ran his hand across his chin. A quick shave was in order. He plugged in his electric shaver and turned it on just as his cell phone began to dance and vibrate on the sink. Bailey’s name and image appeared on the face. He let it ring, watching her face smile back at him. He’d taken that picture the night of the concert. Things certainly had changed since then. He pressed the green talk icon.

  “Hello.”

  “Justin, it’s me, Bailey,” she said inanely.

  “I know.”

  He wasn’t going to make this easy, but she refused to be discouraged. “I wanted to talk with you about today, the things I said.”

  “Not sure what there is to say, Bailey. You were pretty clear.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut. “I know you think I was, but you don’t have all the facts, counselor. Before you make a decision...don’t you want to hear all of the evidence?”

  Justin’s mouth flickered in a grin. “I’m listening.”

  “I’m outside.”

  “Excuse me?” He tightened the towel around his waist and walked out of the bathroom.

  “I’m in front of your house. The things I need to say need to be said face-to-face.”

  Justin jogged down the stairs to the main level, looked out the front window. The headlights of his Benz spread softly against the driveway. His mama always said it was ungentlemanly to keep a lady waiting.

  He went to the front door and pulled it open. For a moment his towel-clad body was framed by the beam of the car’s headlights. Bailey turned off the car, and the space around them dipped into a silhouette of intimacy.

  She knew without a doubt that he had nothing on beneath the towel, and his bare chest only made it more difficult for her to concentrate on what she’d come to say. His body blocked her way, forcing her to stare at him. Her breathing escalated, and for a moment she thought he might not let her in.

  Justin finally stepped aside to let her pass then shut the door with a thud. “Have a seat. I’m going to put something on.”

  Bailey wanted to tell him that he was fine just the way he was, but she held her tongue.

  Too nervous to sit, she slowly paced the expansive space then walked over to the glass doors that opened onto the pool and the grounds that appeared to go on forever. This was the life, the world he lived in, and she wasn’t sure that she could ever be a part of it. But she wanted him. She wanted Justin, and somehow she was going to have to convince him of that and let go of her past.

  “Can I get you something?”

  Bailey turned toward the sound of the voice that she heard in her dreams, and her breath caught at the sight of him.

  Yes, he’d gotten out of the towel, only to put on a pair of low-riding drawstring sweats that drew the eye to the rock-hard abs and the thin trail of hair that led to hours of pleasure. She tore her eyes away.

  “Um, some water is fine.”

  He went into the kitchen and returned shortly with a glass of water with ice, handed it to her then went to lean against the mantel. “So...what do you want to talk about?”

  “First...I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you. It has nothing to do with you. You were just the recipient of all the stuff that I’ve been dealing with.” She swallowed. Justin hadn’t moved; his expression hadn’t changed. “I was the one that...found my mother. I’d come home from school—first year of law school. I’d stopped off after class to the law library then a local diner. I knew I was stalling. I didn’t want to go home.” She had a distant smile. “It was October tenth. Around five. It was already getting dark. The apartment was quiet. I figured my sisters were at friends’ houses.” She took a swallow of water.

  “I went to my room, and that’s when I saw water coming out from under the bathroom door. The first thing I thought was that my lazy sister Tory had left the water running. I...I didn’t expect...to find my mother in the tub. She’d cut her wrist and taken some pills. There was water and blood, and I started screaming. I tried to wake her. I did CPR...” She shook her head at the vision. “It was too late.”

  “Bailey...”

  She held up her hand. She had to get it out now, or she never would. “My mother struggled for years to feed and clothe us and keep a roof over our heads when my father left her and us—we were too young to even remember him. My mother was beautiful.” She smiled wistfully. “Men flocked to her beauty, and she believed that was all she needed. She discovered that she could use her looks to get men to give her things, to pay for things, to keep her company. So the ‘uncles’ started to come and go. But they would tire of
her looks, tire of her neediness, tire of her three kids.” She took another sip of water. “She spent her days trying to catch that man that was going to take care of her, but they all eventually abused her emotionally, and then they were gone.” Tears streamed down her cheeks.

  “I tried to protect my sisters from seeing stuff. I made excuses for the times when Mom wouldn’t come out of her room or when she would disappear for days at a time and leave us alone.” She sniffed hard then swiped at her eyes. “After...I had to drop out of school, get a job to take care of them. I had to be there...” She lowered her head.

  Justin crossed the distance between them and gathered her into his arms. “I can see how hard you try to be strong and independent at the expense of your own happiness. It’s okay to need someone, Bailey. I don’t want to take away your independence, babe.” He stepped back a bit and lifted her chin so that she would have to look at him. “I only want you to be happy.”

  “Sometimes I feel like I’m failing my sisters.”

  “Bailey, there comes a point in everyone’s life when they have to take responsibility for their own choices and stop using the past as an excuse for their future. Your siblings are all adults. What happened with your mom was horrible, and it affected each of you in a different way. But you can’t blame yourself, and you can’t save people who don’t know they need to be saved.”

  She wiped her eyes. “I’ve been told that a zillion times by Addy.”

  Justin grinned. “Smart girl.”

  “She thinks so, too.” She exhaled a long breath. “My head tells me all of that is true. It’s my heart that keeps getting in the way.”

  Justin slung his hands in his pockets. “You may not want to hear this, but I’m going to take a chance and say it anyway. You still feel guilty.”

  She frowned. “Guilty? About what?”

  “That you didn’t come straight home that day. That if you had come home, you could have saved her.”

  The air caught in her chest. Her temples began to pound. She’d never told anyone, not even Addy that she was late getting home that day. She’d never said it out loud. Her shoulders shook as the sobs overtook her.