by Xavier Neal
“Is it Mommy, Daddy?” Mak asks her fingers died from coloring with markers. “I hope it's Mommy. You were so mean to her last night.”
“I was not,” I argue.
“Uh-huh.”
“No-huh.”
“Uh-huh.” She gives me a scolding look.
Not getting anywhere by arguing with a three year old, I check the peephole to exactly what I knew was knocking.
Cracking the door, I harshly snap, “What?”
Ashley stares at me with her face frowned, her dark brown hair falling against her now thin unattractive face. She's so different than Gianna. How did I ever see this as attractive? “No hi? Seriously?”
“That is not a welcoming greeting. You are not welcomed. I repeat. What?”
“I just..I thought I’d see if you were home and…”
“And stop by?” my voice croaks. Glancing behind me I crack the door back closed not allowing Mak to see the stranger. “Why would you think I’d be at home in the middle of a school day?”
“I um…well…”
“What would you have done if I wasn’t?”
“Well…see…I…”
“What do you want, Ashley?”
“I just wanted…”
“To see her.” I lick my lips. “I know exactly what you want Ashley. I’m not dumb. At least not anymore.”
After a slow nod she sighs, “You know Connor, I deserve that much. I deserve to see her.”
“You don’t deserve anything,” my cold tone settles in my own veins. “You don’t deserve to see her. You don’t deserve to be in her presence. Get off my door step.”
Her voice whimpers, “Connor…”
“Go.”
“Connor,” she whispers again.
Ignoring her I put a fake smile on my face, “Okay…thanks for stopping by.”
“Look—”
“Daddy,” Mak’s voice chirps at the same time she tugs my pants.. “Daddy…Daddy…is it Mommy, Daddy?”
“No.”
Ashley looks stunned by my answer.
Mak tries to open the door, “Who is it?
“Hold on,” my insistence just causes her to pull on my pants harder.
“But Daddy,” she whines, which is when I swoop her up into my arms to prevent her from pantsing me. “I just wanna know who’s at the door…”
For the first time since she abandoned us, Ashley’s eyes fall on our daughter, tears quietly pouring. The sight makes me burn hot with a rage Mak doesn't need to see. That I don't need to feel. That I am tired of fucking feeling.
“Why’s she crying?” Mak lays her head on my shoulder, her hair tickling my neck.
“She lost something years ago and it's given her a case of the boo-hoos.”
Accepting the answer as if gospel, she replies, “Oh...it happens. Not good to lose things.”
“You wanted to see her,” my voice sighs. “Now you have.”
With a shaky hand she reaches out to touch her, which is when I move back, startling them both. “She’s beautiful.”
“Thank you,” MaKayla giggles. Like the inquisitive yet blunt thing she is, she asks, “Who are you?”
“I’m…I’m…” Ashley looks at me wondering if she should say it or wait. She should never say it. She should never even think it. “I’m….”
“She’s coming in,” another sighs escapes me as I move to allow her to come in the apartment.
“I am?” her heart looks like it skipped a beat.
I nod allowing her to enter. Knowing I'd rather end this nightmare now than drag it for weeks, I whisper, “Yeah.”
The three of us settle down on the couch, MaKayla still in my lap as Ashley stares at her in awe, waiting for me to make the moves she’s been dreaming about for only God knows how long. Ones I used to want in the beginning.
“MaKayla,” I push her hair behind her ear as she smiles at me happily.
“Yes Daddy?”
“You know how you used to ask me about your mommy and why she went away?” She nods, still smiling. “Remember, you used to ask if she’d ever come back?”
“Yes,” I open my mouth to continue but she cuts me off, “but I know now why that mommy went away.”
My face scrunches, “You do?”
“Yes!”
“Why?”
“So that Gi-Gi could be my mommy,” she giggles. “The best Mommy. So we can get to Happily Ever After.”
In an airy voice Ashley cries out, “Who's Gi-Gi?”
“My mommy!” Mak answers. “Daddy loves her. He was mean to her yesterday.”
Quickly I snap, “No I wasn't.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Daddy what?” Ashley butts in.
“Loves her! She’s his princess, and she even has a real castle!” she squeals joyfully. “Just like a princess should. She's pretty. I'm gonna be pretty like her. I look just like her but my eyes are green like Daddy's.”
Beaming down at her for a moment, I shake my head at her innocence, but am thankful for her saying what I wish I could. “Gi-Gi is Gianna. She’s my…well she’s my girlfriend, or well, was my girlfriend.”
“Was?” Ashley raises a suspicious eyebrow.
“It’s complicated.” The response causes a familiar look in her eyes. Immediately I say, “Don't even think about it. Even if we were still together or never were together. You and I are not a possibility.”
“Daddy loves my mommy,” Mak speaks holding a hand up. “He just got sad yesterday. It'll be okay.”
I ignore her explanation and try to explain, “Mak sweetie, this is your mommy.”
In the years I’ve been watching my princess, I’ve never see her face painted with so much terror and disappointed as this moment. Shaking her head she denies, “No. Gi-Gi is my mommy.”
“No sweetie I am.” Ashley reaches out for her.
“Fibber.” Mak points a finger at her. “You are a fibber!”
“I am not fibbing,” Ashley tries to defend herself.
“Fibber!” she screams and squirms in my lap. “I don't like fibbers!”
“MaKayla,” my stern voice gets her attention.
With sniffles she yells, “She’s fibbing daddy. She’s fibbing! We don't like fibbing! You're not supposed to fib Daddy!””
“You're right.” My lips press against her forehead. “You're right. Daddy's mistake. Calm down.” She turns in my lap and clutches her small arms around my neck, tears running down to my shoulders. When she's calmed down I look at Ashley, “Satisfied?”
“Connor I—”
“You can go now.”
“But--”
In a whisper I argue, “What did you think would happen? You think she was just going to welcome you with open arms? You’re a stranger to her. You’re nothing more than a new face. She’s barely three Ashley, so she’s not going to understand whatever bullshit you tell her. If you loved her like you claim you do, you wouldn’t be trying to harm her and believe me, this right here, this pressure to meet her, this pressure to want her to like you, is injuring her in more ways than one. Look Ashley, just go.”
Without another word she exits and I spend the next hour comforting MaKayla into a nap in our bed. I leave her there and try to pass the time playing video games on mute, the mind numbing pleasure welcomed with open arms.
By the time my mother finally gets home I’m in the kitchen preparing dinner and Mak is sitting in her booster chair brushing her doll's hair.
Lugging around the grocery bags she slams them on the counter. “A little help would be nice.”
I stir the pot of pasta. “I’m sure it would be.”
She shakes her head. “You’re awfully cranky for someone who didn’t go to school or work from the looks of it.”
“Yeah well let’s just say it’s still been quite a rough day, no thanks to you.” I snap.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” She questions, shedding her black jacket.
“That means, I owe you so very much f
or allowing Ashley in the house.”
Her bottom lip slips into her mouth before she tries to justify, “I was just trying to—”
“I know what you were trying to do,” I snap loudly. “And you had no right! It’s not your broken home to fix. You had a chance to nurse and glue back the pieces to a family once and didn’t, so don’t go taking your regrets out on me and my daughter.”
“Connor I—”
“Should’ve never invited her in the house!”
“But—”
“No buts mom! She abandoned her daughter!”
“She—”
“She left her alone in this world! She hasn’t contacted or even tried to be a part of her life for nearly three years!”
“I know…but she—”
“Nothing! She wasn’t around for anything! She left me alone with Mak! She left me to raise her alone! To struggle to grow up! I haven’t been to a prom or a party! I gave up my whole life and now that she’s lived a portion of hers she wants to stroll back into ours! No!”
“Connor—”
“No!” I slam the spoon down. Fighting back tears I scream again, “No!”
My mother for the first time since my father's funeral, the last real breakdown I had like this, strolls over and wraps her arms around me for a long overdue hug. Her hold on me tightens squeezing the lingering tears out of me. I sink into her hold, arms clutching her desperately.
“It’s not fair,” I sob. “I've lost everything. My dad. My life. I can't do this anymore Mom. I don't wanna grow up. I don't wanna do this. I can't....I'm not strong enough. Please...please make it all stop.”
On her quiet cry she replies, “Oh Connor I'm sorry.” A hand strokes my back. “I know I took your father's death terribly, but I didn't know it was going to do this to you. It's my fault you're here. Like this. And I'm sorry...I'm so sorry.” The two of us quietly shed tears together until she finally pulls back and says, “I know I screwed up, but I'm gonna try to do better for all three of us okay?” I nod wiping my cheeks. “But Connor, I need you to work on forgiving Ashley.”
“Why?” New tears appear, these of resentment. “Why? She’s never given MaKayla anything! Not a birthday card! Not a Christmas present! Not a fucking phone call! Tell me why! Why should I give her a chance! What has she ever given to either of us?”
In the softest whisper I can recall, she sighs, “Each other…” I swallow the bitter truth. “She gave you…each other.”
The sentence sounds like something my father would say if he were here trying to comfort me. And he would be right. Every terrible thing that she did brought me unconditional love from the innocence of someone I would die for. I can't imagine life without Mak and have never wanted too. Even in the beginning when all of this shit started to fall on me, from the moment I looked into eyes I know I shared, that my passed away father shared, I know I would never want to give her up.
“Daddy,” MaKayla’s voice yells from her seat. “Did you tell grandma about the mean lady? She was mean grandma. So mean. And a fibber! Fibbers are bad grandma.”
My eyes fall into my mother's and she nods acknowledging neither of us are ready to deal with that subject.
“I did Mak. And she won't be back for a while. Okay?”
“Thank goodness Daddy,” she overly dramatically says. “Look grandma! Look at my new doll Mommy gave me.”
Hearing her call Gianna that forces me back to the pot that needs to be drained. My mother leaves my side to talk to Mak whose mouth starts running away from her. With the conversation about Ashley dead as my tantrum, I finish fixing the three of us our first Gianna free meal in weeks. It feels awful. It feels wrong. And I know that it's not going to feel better any time soon.
Chapter 15
The next day at school I find myself hiding out in the library again. However I pick a different corner closer to the maintenance door, just in case she comes looking for me. Dodging Gianna isn't easy, but I've had my fair share of learning to avoid people. I know we need to talk, but honestly, I'm all talked out.
Leaning on one hand, I close my eyes while staring down at the book we're supposed to write our latest paper on. The peace and quiet of a noise free zone causes my brain to flutter into a silent haven. I drift off for a few moments enjoying the only restful moment my mind has taken in 48 hours.
Suddenly the book that was acting as my rabbit hole of falling into, is ripped from my grip and is lying on the floor like a dead body shot at point blank. My attention slowly gazes up to look at Gianna whose expression is similar to the one she had when we first met. This is going to be the worst thing that I've ever done.
“Paper cuts. That’s all I’m saying.” She stares at me blankly, so I try another sarcastic remark, “Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s not polite to take things that don’t belong to you?”
“Oh you mean like my heart?” She snaps clearly steering us the direction I know there's no avoiding.
“I didn’t take your heart,” I sigh reaching for the book, which she quickly steps her heel on.
“No,” she hums. “You stole it.”
“I didn’t steal it Gianna.”
“You came like a thief in the night.”
“Have you been reading Shakespeare?”
“Watching,” she softens for a brief second. “And if you don’t call it stealing, then what do you call it?”
“A gift. Much like my heart to you, it was a gift Gianna.” In a mumble I doubt she hears I add, “A gift that is going to kill me to give back.”
“So that’s how you treat a gift? You’re careless and just…so…” her words get caught and jumbled in her throat, which is when she takes a moment to look at me to notice something. “What’s the matter Connor?”
“Hm?” I raise my eyebrows.
“You look…you look like something has been bothering you. You look like…well honestly, kind of like shit,” she sighs.
“Thanks. Not all of us can look like a model 24/7,” my comment takes us both by surprise. I am clearly on a roll with this new inability to bite my tongue.
“Please don't treat me like that. I didn't mean it to be hateful I’m just saying…you don’t look like yourself. You look like something bad happened. Really. Did it? Did your step father--”
“No.”
“Is Mak okay?”
“She's fine.” I lie. She's not fine. She hasn't been fine or stopped asking me why she can't see her Mommy and making me promise not to bring the mean lady back.
“Then what is it? What's wrong?”
“You mean aside from being harassed by your parents the other night? My daughter’s mother walked right back into my life like she hadn’t been gone demanding to be a part of her daughter’s life once more.”
“Oh my god!” Her eyebrows dart up. “You…wait what? Rewind. What happened with my parents?”
“Oh they didn’t tell you?” I finally grab my abused book.
“No, they just said you… you were having second thoughts about us…which is why I tried to call you all day yesterday. And by the way, do you have any idea how rude it is not to answer or call back? Even a text message would have been okay.”
“That’s what they told you? That I was having second thoughts?” Shaking my head I roll my eyes. “Unbelievable…”
“What really happened?”
“After your parents basically told me I was good for nothing white trash before they tried to buy me off.”
“Buy you off?”
“Yeah buy me off. They asked me what my price was to stop dating you.”
“And how much did you take?”
An odd mixture of disbelief and outrage flood through me. “What?”
“Obviously you took some amount and that’s why you’ve been avoiding me to keep up your end of the deal, right?”
“Can you fucking hear yourself?” I growl. “I’ve been avoiding you because I needed time to myself. Time to think. Just a Goddamn minute to try to understand what's goi
ng on in my world that's been turned upside down. Not because you’re money crazed folks offered me a handsome reward to leave their prized piece alone.”
“Snappy remark not needed. So you didn’t take the money?”
“No I didn’t take the fucking money. God Gianna, you think that’s the reason I want you? The reason I want you around? To buy me stuff? To take care of my daughter?”
“I—”
“I told you from day from one, I don't want your fucking money. I don’t need your fucking money. I’m not a charity case for the last damn time. In fact I don’t need anything from you.”
“Connor—”
“Just so we’re clear, just so you know, just so the whole fucking world knows, I loved you because of who you are. Because I connected with something in you that I had been missing in me. Because being with you was the only thing that felt right in life outside of MaKayla.”
“Loved? You said loved Connor. Past tense.”
I bite my bottom lip before growling, “I did.”
“So you're throwing this away? Just like that? For what? Ashley?”
“No.”
“Because of my parents?”
I press my lips together. How could I be so stupid? There’s no way a guy like me could end up with a girl like her. Regardless if we're the same on the inside. Fuck the fact we both know what it's like to be so alone in the world, judged for the choices we've made. None of that matters when the world gets the final say. Money does more than talks. It screams. And if Ashley falling back into our world on the same day her parents remind me of this fact, isn't a sign to give it all up, to change paths, to focus on a life I can control, that's simple, I don't know what is.
I gather my backpack and toss it over my shoulder.
In a voice that's clearly holding back sobs, she asks, “So that's it? It's over.”