by Xavier Neal
“Yeah.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.” I sigh and stroll away.
In a tear filled whisper I hear, “Connor wait...”
Not turning around, I continue to walk out of the library despite the pleas that are burning my soul, which just hopes I’m doing the right thing. For all of us.
To no surprise Gianna isn't in theater. Thankfully Ms. Flores doesn't make too much of a fuss and allows me to help work on some scenery painting for the freshman performance. After school and work, MaKayla and I head back to the house where I figure everything will finally be at some sort of resting peace, but am rudely mistaken. The moment I start up the steps I hear violent yelling and a different kind of screaming than I’m used too. When the hell will my life go back to normal?
Putting Mak down outside the door I look her deep into her eyes and command. “You know the drill. Go straight to the room, and wait for daddy to get there okay?”
“Okay.” She nods clutching onto her doll that is now inseparable from her.
I open the door and she flees down the hall quickly. As soon as I see the door shut I head towards my mother’s room where the door is cracked and I can see the side of Paul’s face. Cautiously I wait right outside, prepared to do what is typically necessary.
My mother screams, “I want a divorce and I mean it!”
“And what? Take me for half of what I’m worth?”
“No thank you. Half of nothing is even less than nothing, so I’ll just stick with my half and let you go your separate way.”
“Why? Why do you want a divorce?”
“Somewhere between the beatings and booze I realized that this isn’t the kind of bullshit I need any more Paul. I’ve got a son who I fucked up pretty well no thanks to you and I’ll be damned if I let my granddaughter, the only one who isn’t screwed up yet, end up like him. I’d never be able to forgive myself. I'm already certain I'll never be able to forgive myself. You were one giant mistake. One giant regret. I should have dealt with Kai's death better than this.”
The mention of my father's name has my head resting on the wall. It's the first time she's said it since he died. Life really is changing. Hopefully for the better.
“Look—”
“No. I don’t want to hear it. I’m going clean up and get sober. I'm going to start to move past this. All this. I'm going to move on the healthy way. Take my life back. Give my son his life back. It's over Paul. The papers are being drawn. You are not welcomed back here.”
Before he has the chance to reply, my foot pushes the bedroom door wide open. Leaning slightly in I state, “You heard her. Get the fuck out.”
Admitting defeat faster than he ever has before he grouses, “What about my shit?”
“It's in a trash bag by the front door. Feel free to grab it as my son walks you out,” my mother stands firm.
“My pleasure.” I push up off the wall.
Paul takes one last look at my mother, glares, and heads out of the room muttering, “You're fucking lost. Good luck paying the fucking rent now.”
“We'll make due,” my reply receives a grunt.
I stand a couple feet back as he grabs his garbage bag of crap and storms out of the apartment. The second he's gone, I lock all three locks including the deadbolt and retreat to my mother's room. To no surprise, she's flopped down on her bed, bawling into her hands. Letting into my own emotions and understandings of her loss about my father, and having to let go of someone you care about, someone you love, I plop down beside her immediately wrapping an arm around her. She turns to me burying her face in my neck, the situation from the other night reversed. This isn't how life is supposed to be. Then again, this isn't one of Mak's princess movies. There is no happy ending.
Chapter 16
A couple weeks later, after many tense and flat out missed rehearsals from Gianna, it's time for our final evaluation before the competition. As the two of us wait to go on stage, we don’t speak. My eyes can't help from stealing as many glances as possible, the old Gianna clearly settling back in. She's wearing too much make up again. Her skirts have risen to 'for sale' levels. She's even began taking the timed trips to the bathroom again, but I'm just hoping I'm being over paranoid. Once our names are called we go into the room to perform our scene, which I have a feeling is going to be the worst thing Ms. Flores sees all evening.
Not even in costume, Gianna stands on stage smacking on her gum silently.
Obviously not thrilled with what she sees Ms. Flores fiddles nervously with her hair before she asks, “Um…is there a reason you’re not in costume for our full dress rehearsal Gianna?
“Nope.”
“You know that’s what full dress rehearsal means right?”
With a slight shrug Gianna adjusts her peeking bra strap, “Yup.”
She shoots me a glance. Having nothing to communicate I look down. “Okay…well whenever you two are ready.”
I glance at her, waiting for her to say her first line, which she doesn’t until Ms. Flores clears her throat. At that point Gianna recites her first line emotionless the least amount of effort possible. After a couple more lines from Gianna like this Ms. Flores stops us.
“Um…Gianna, is something troubling you?”
“You mean like someone breaking my heart into a million pieces after you thought you could trust them?”
The bite aimed at me strings probably as deep as she hoped. If only she knew she wasn't the only one suffering from a broken heart. I wonder would it matter, would it ease any of her pain to know I can't sleep at night. That I can't stand to see Mak so sad without her around. That I can't stand being so fucking miserable without her. But I made this choice. This was the right thing to do for her. My life has to be ruled and revolves around my child. Hers doesn't. She still has that freedom. The choice.
Nodding slowly with raised eyebrows Ms. Flores asks carefully, “Do we need to start from the beginning?”
“Nope,” Gianna pops her gum and shoves her hand in her black shorts pocket. “You stopped us remember?”
“Right,” Ms. Flores glances at me and shakes her head in sympathy. “Continue.”
When our dreadful scene is finally over, she simply dismisses us until it’s our turn to hear the review. While we wait, the proper thing would be to talk to each other, but instead she distracts herself with her phone clearly uninterested in making any conversation. I fight the instinct to check on her well-being by checking on my baby girl instead who is spending the evening with Nelly since my mom is at an AA meeting. What feels like an eternity later, Ms. Flores calls us into the classroom, making sure to request for us to shut the door. The two of us sit in the seats across from her, waiting as she flips to our page.
With a disappointed look she sighs, “Would you like me to be completely honest with you on your performance?”
No. I wouldn't. I would like the rule of honesty to banished from my life because it never ends with something I want to hear. Never ends with something that gives anyone hope.
Sheepishly I reply, “Yes ma'am.”
“What the hell was that?” She snaps throwing her pen down. “Here I am, impressed by the progress you two had made, impressed at how bonded you two became with each other and your characters, impressed at how in class you look like you’re about to leave everyone else behind, yet, here you are in front of me putting on a scene that I could give to my freshman and have them do better than what I just saw. So I’m going to ask, again, what the hell is going on?”
My attention glances at Gianna who looks guilt free, which is when I sigh, “I…we…It’s been a rough couple of weeks.”
“That’s no excuse Connor,” she quickly snaps at me. “And given your situation outside of school I know that's not something you're used to hearing. Do you know how many greats went through hard times? Slept in their cars? Were homeless? If you want that scholarship as much as you said you did, as much I believe you do, drop the thought that life is g
oing to pave a perfect path for you when you need it to and start paving it yourself.” I don't respond. I'm not sure I know how. “You two need to talk to each other. I can sense an enormous amount of tension. I have been able to for several classes now, but I had faith you would work it out on your own. Clearly, again, I was mistaken. So here I am, heavily suggesting you talk about what's bothering you two and don’t throw away not only a golden opportunity for both of you on that stage, but a life learning experience for you off.” Sitting up straight, she waves a hand. “You two are dismissed.”
The two of us exit the room, heading the direction of the student parking lot. Before reaching the door she glances over her shoulder, “Well this was fun, but I have an actual life to attend, so I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Wait.” I stop her from walking out the door by rushing in front of it. “I wanna talk. We need to talk.”
“Yeah, I’m not really in the mood.”
“Yeah, well I am.”
She places a hand on her hip. “And I don’t really care. So if you’ll excuse me.” Gianna waves her hand for me to move, but stubbornly I don't. Instead I fold my arms across my chest. Annoyed she sighs, “I will kick you in the nuts if I have to.”
Instantly I miss when nuts references were sexual instead of violent. “Then do it. And after I'm done crying like a bitch, I want to talk.”
Gianna fights the urge to smirk. “About what?”
“Us. This. Everything that’s going on.”
“Last time I checked there was no ‘us’ Connor. You made that crystal clear. That's really the only thing it can mean when someone says it's over.”
“Is that what all this is about? You’re pissy because I broke up with you, so you think sucking at something that’s important to me is going to fix the pain you’ve got?”
“Spare me your pep talk and speeches please. I need to get home. There's Netflix to watch. People to judge.”
“Gianna,” I state firmly. “Do you not understand what you’re doing? I mean really understand?”
“Um…trying to leave and repeatedly being stopped?”
“I meant with this whole throwing our scene away.”
“Oh. That. Nope. Not a clue.”
“There's repercussions.”
“Don’t care.”
“Damn it Gianna,” I groan shutting my eyes. “You’re so…so damn selfish. Fuck, don't let me forget to mention spoiled.”
The sound of her scoff, shoots my eyes open as she raises a finger in disbelief. “Excuse me? Did you just call me selfish?”
“Yes.”
“Let me get this straight.” She drops her purse on the floor and steps dangerously close to my face. The scent of her vanilla perfume overthrows my senses. I can feel it luring me to touch her. I wanna touch her. I wanna kiss her. I wanna undo all the bad shit that's happened. But I can't. “You break up with me for whatever stupid reasons and then when I express my unhappiness with it I’m selfish?”
“That pretty much sums it up.”
“Oh please explain that to me. It’s gotta be good.”
“You’re being selfish because all you’re thinking about is you. Your pain in this situation. How much you hurt. What about me? How I can't sleep at night without you? How Mak wakes up crying, reaching out for someone who I don't have the heart to tell her isn't coming home?” Suddenly Gianna takes a step back as if seared by the words. “Let's not talk about how hard it is for me to eat or how hard it is to have no answers for the little girl who just wants to know why her new Mommy, the only mother she's ever known can't come back to play. Let's ignore all that and remember the reason that this scholarship matters so much. How if we win, if I get this scholarship then a little girl whose lived a shit life gets a shot at a better existence. That she gets reminded that nothing can stand in the way of your dreams. That it's okay to dream big. That the world doesn't decide your fate for you,” the last sentence stops me as I realize that's exactly what I've let happen to me. I let Gianna's parents decide our fate. Ashley. My mother. Everyone in the world has been making choices and influencing my decisions. Have I stopped and just thought for a second? Really thought about what I wanted and the direction to go without fear of disappointing someone? Without fear of how it could possibly end up? Here I'm thinking everything I do is for Mak, forgetting the most important thing I can ever teach her is that life is about living. About being happy. And the one time we were both truly happy, I gave it up. I gave it up because I was afraid. I'm a coward. I'm the selfish one. “I'm asking you to show up tomorrow and give a little girl one last stride of hope she can't get anywhere else.” Pushing my back against the door, I mumble a goodnight before jogging to my car, tears seconds from revealing themselves.
After picking MaKayla up from Nelly's, she spends the entire car ride hammering on about Nelly's children who took her to do so much after school. She gushes about going to the park and picking flowers. How they had chicken nuggets for dinner but they aren't as good as her mommy's. The conversation pulsates through my veins until I feel numb enough to collapse.
MaKayla's head falls on my shoulder outside the front door to the apartment. “Daddy...I really missed you.”
“I missed you more.” I kiss her head.
“Time for night night?” she yawns.
“Yup. Straight to bed for both of us. Daddy has a big performance for school tomorrow.”
“My school.”
“Mine.”
“Can I come see it Daddy?” Mak asks we walk in, the same time my mother walks out of her bedroom in her robe.
“See what?” My mother asks.
“Grandma!” She squeals in my arms. “Daddy's gonna be in a performance tomorrow!”
“That's right,” she strolls over, kisses Mak's forehead, and then my cheek. “That's why Daddy had Ms. Nelly take care of you tonight. So he could practice one more time.”
“Can I come see it Daddy? Please. Please! I'll be a good girl!” She bounces in my grip preventing me from walking any further.
“Of course princess. Grandma is going to bring you and if Ashley wants to join for a small visit she can.”
“I don't like the mean lady,” Mak pouts.
“I know,” I softly sigh. “I don't either, but what does Daddy say about trying new things.”
“Sometimes that's when the best things happen!” She enthusiastically says.
“Right. So we are going to try to make friends with Ashley okay?”
“I guess...” her small voice yawns.
“Can I just say one thing about this idea?”
“What’s that?”
“Do not, I repeat, do not, try to fix anything from your past by giving up your future, especially anything you weren’t responsible for.” She lifts her lips to my cheek again, “Goodnight Connor.” Kissing Mak again she instructs, “Get some sleep princess. Big day tomorrow.”
“Night grandma,” she responds before curling into my body, doing her best to get comfortable to fall asleep.
“Come on. Let's get you to bed,” I whisper heading for our room, the impending cloud of confusion and uncertainty building with every breath. I've never needed faith more on my side.
Chapter 16
Watching the clock on the wall tick my life away while waiting for Gianna to show up, I try to ignore the aching feeling I have that she’s not going to show up at all. I've fucked with the chance at a better life too many times. I deserve this. I hurt her. I hurt me. My hands slide in my pocket as I lean my head against the wall in disappointment. You know, it's funny how your entire life can change in a minute. For my father's it was the first time my mother drunkenly mispronounced the hula. For me, it was the sound of heels clicking across a tile floor. To my surprise, that sound seems to echo from behind me.
Quickly I turn around to see Gianna dressed in character, a look of determination on her face
“Gianna--”
“Wait.” She holds up a finger at me. “Before you say an
ything, I wanna get a few things off my chest. First of all, I’m sorry for what I’ve said and the way I’ve been acting. Connor I’ve never once in my entire life felt the way I feel about you. In fact before you, I wasn’t even sure love existed let alone that I’d feel it. Then you charged into my life and the next thing I know that’s all I feel. Day in and day out. It was amazing to feel so wonderful without drugs or sex being a part of it. For the first time I was able to be me. Just plain old Gianna. Gianna who likes to laugh. Gianna who likes to cry. Gianna who apparently really loves kids and never knew. I got to figure out what it meant to really be me. But I got selfish about wanting to feel good and didn’t stop to think about the other people involved like your daughter who I love so much. I—”
“But Gianna—”
“No Connor, let me finish. I never stopped to think that maybe, just maybe you had motive for doing what you did. That maybe, just maybe, you had reason for breaking up with me, and sometimes it’s better to let something go than to keep it. That maybe…just maybe….sometimes it’s not always about doing what you want so much as what someone else needs,” she finishes right as the announcer introduces our piece. “So with that said, I’m going to go out there and do my best not for you…not for me, but for that beautiful daughter of yours whose nothing more than an innocent bystander in this situation.”
Those are the last words that are said before the two of us have to take the stage. To my surprise, we put on a performance so outstanding that it receives a standing ovation and a panel of pleased faces from the judges. When we slide off the stage, she rushes off to the bathroom not giving me the time to say anything. Not even thank her for putting my daughter first.
“Connor, that was amazing!” Ms. Flores giggles appearing in front of me, blocking the path to following Gianna. “I would’ve never expected that from the two of you after yesterday’s trial run.”
“I know we—”
“Were just pulling my leg weren’t you? That was a very mean and a very risky joke you two were pulling. Speaking of we, where is your partner?” She taps her nude heel on the wooden floor. “She should be with us when we receive your scores.”