by Xavier Neal
“I…don’t know,” I sigh figuring she must’ve snuck out while Ms. Flores had me distracted. “Don't worry. I’m sure I’ll find her.”
“Good. Don’t take too long. There are two more scenes and then this round is over. Scores will be revealed at two, and I expect you to meet me back outside the doors at that time.” She grins widely and touches my cheek. “I really am proud of both of you.”
“Thank you.” I nod slowly and look around for Gianna, but see my family coming my way instead.
She strolls away right as MaKayla runs into my arms. “Daddy!”
Not caring who sees from my school or others, tired of hiding the most beautiful thing in my life from the outside world, I hug her tightly, “MaKayla!”
“I saw you stage Daddy! You were with mommy!” She giggles her pony tails bouncing around. “She looked so pretty Daddy. Just like I 'member.”
“And what do you think?” I try to drag the conversation off of Gianna. “Daddy do a good job?”
“Awesome!” She pokes the tip of my nose.
“And what'd you think?” I ask my mother whose beaming directly next to Ashley who I swear has dollar signs in her eyes. All the talk about change and that look still remains. Pathetic.
“I think that if they don’t give you that scholarship they’re crazy.” She shakes her head.
Before I have a chance to say anything else, Bret and Brent show up offering high fives for a performance well one.
“Mom, Ashley, meet my best friends Bret and Brent,” I make introductions. After they shake and exchange greetings, I turn to Mak towards them. “And this little troublemaker is my daughter. Mak.”
“Nice to meet you Mak,” Bret says softly. “High five?”
“Yeah!” She gives him a hard one.
“Oh...ouch...” he pretends to be hurt. “I think you broke my hand. How are you so strong?”
“You have to eat your Green Fingers.” She wags a finger at him.
Chuckling I shake my head as Brent says, “I don't want my hand broken so how about we fist bump?” When Mak does he pretends to push far backwards, “Whoa! You are super strong!”
“I am,” Mak coos at them.
“Well it was a pleasure to meet you Mak,” Bret speaks up. “We have to get going. We're picking out tuxes with Brent's dad then grabbing some wings at The Hills. Wanna meet up with us when this all wraps up?”
“No need for a tux since I'm not going to Prom next week and I would say yes to wings, but I have this little princess to watch who I promised a trip to her favorite pizza place if she behaved all of my performance.”
“And I did,” Mak declares. “Daddy always keeps a promise.”
“I do.” I smile at her. Looking back at them I shrug, “Sorry.”
“It's cool,” Brent offers. “Maybe next time, we all get pizza? Sound okay to you Mak?”
“Yeah!”
“Just promise not to break out hands,” Bret teases before they part.
Once they’re a distance away my mom sighs, “They seem like good guys.”
“They are.” Nodding more to myself than to anyone else I repeat. “They really are.”
Not only did they show up for my performance, they took meeting my daughter to an entire other level. Put themselves on the line to do something with us that she would like out of school. Have I been fucking my entire life by hiding her? How many more people would be understanding? How many more people would wanna be around us? Sure, shame is a hovering factor, but doesn't Mak deserve a life outside of just us?
“Well while you wait for scores, I’m going to take the little one down the road to the playground, but we’ll be back before they announce you've won. When do you think that is?”
“Around two.”
“We can do that right MaKayla?” My mother holds her hands up for my daughter to switch grips.
“Right grandma.”
“We’ll be back before then.” She smiles sweetly at me. “Tell Daddy bye for a little while.”
“Bye daddy.” She waves.
“Bye love. Give me a kiss?” My lips pout out and she kisses them. “Have fun with grandma.”
“I will. You find Mommy okay? I miss her too...”
The heartbreaking request has my eyes dropping to my shoes. After a deep exhale I look up at Ashley who is still standing beside me. “Aren't you going too?”
“I think I’m going to stick around and talk with you for a bit.” She innocently shrugs. “If that’s okay?”
“Sure,” I answer giving up on finding Gianna. “Let’s um…go outside, around the back and talk.”
The two of us stroll away just as Gianna walks by to see me with Ashley. As soon as I try to say something to her, she scampers off again avoiding eye contact. Fuck. Really. Oh I can get timing like that from the movies, but I can't get the simple resolution or civil ending?
We sit outside in awkward silence in the beginning, which is fine with me. Gianna's speech is running around, trying to burrow its way into making sure I understand what she said. Her gorgeous stage made up face keeps popping in my mind, and not because of how she was during the performance, but the hurt of seeing me standing beside Ashley. I'm sure her biggest nightmare come true. I resent Ashley for a lot of things, but if she destroyed the final shot I have with Gianna, I'm not sure I can move past that. She mainly fills the conversation with useless talks about her adventures while she was away receiving a mindless nod or reply from me when the chance presents itself. Funny, how that hasn't changed either. She never asked me how was I coping or dealing. How my life was? How anything about me was other than if I was ready to have sex with her again.
A little before 2, I find Ms. Flores and have a seat with her in the rows designated for the students who were performing. She tells me how she searched for Gianna with the help of a few other students but no one could find her. A gnawing feeling starts to grumble in my gut. As the awards start, I do my best to pay attention instead of letting my mind filter through the possible hiding places Gianna could've disappeared too. When they announce that the two of us won the competition, the larger scholarship to me, the smaller one to her, it hardly registers unlike the very real anxiety of her not being by my side during its presentation. Something is wrong. I can feel it. She may hate me, but she still would've been here for this moment. I know it. I know her.
After much praise from my fellow classmates and teacher, I manage to pry myself away from everyone to meet up with my mother, my daughter, and Ashley in the lobby. During the entire walk to them, I never stop searching for Gianna. My fingers send text message after text message just as they did earlier.
“Sweetie,” my mother's voice cuts into the panic starting to settle. “I have to get to my meeting, but I’m so proud of you.”
“I'm proud of you too,” I hug her tightly as Mak switches from her grip to mine.
“Oh stop it. Can't I just have the motherly moment this one time?” She chuckles and kisses Mak on the cheek, “Be good for Daddy.”
“Bye grandma,” she waves. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” my mother smiles at her and then me, “Connor Kai Owens.”
In a relieved voice to not only hear those words, but my full name off her tongue in a blessing instead of a curse, I say, “I love you too mom.”
As she hurries off, checking her phone in the process, Ashley speaks up, “Can I get a ride home from you? I still don't have a car and your mom was sort of my ride.”
“Sure.” I nod. Looking at Mak I ask, “Did grandma put your car seat back in my car?”
“Yes,” she yawns, her head falling on my shoulder.
“It’s nap time for you huh?” I ask pushing her hair out of her face. Receiving a nod, I snuggle against her and carry her to my car with Ashley.
Before we reach the car she’s passed out cold, thumb secured in her mouth. Carefully, I buckle her in, placing the doll she's whimpering for in her sleep, back in her grasp.
The tw
o of us get in and head off towards Ashley’s parent’s house, where she moved back into.
She keeps uttering word after word like she did earlier, not even acknowledging I haven't said a word back. I can't imagine how anyone can spend that much time talking to themselves. And how can you expect to help raise a child or be in one's life if all you can talk about is yourself.
“Ashley,” I interrupt her ramble.
“Yeah?”
“Can I say something?”
“Sure. Anything. Just don't yell at me again okay?”
“I appreciate your interest in our daughter's life, but honestly, I'm not ready for that. We're not ready for that.”
“We as in--”
“All three of us,” I answer. “I'm not ready to just forgive and let shit slide. Mak's adjusted to a life that doesn't include you and you...well, stop and really think Ash. You've spent all day with her, tell me one thing you learned about her. Just one.” Her face starts to contort desperately digging for an answer. “Exactly. You're still all about you. It's cool you've decided that you want to know your child, but it's not the right timing. Some day when she's a little older, when you're a little more mature, when I'm...more mature, I think we can handle this situation, but for now, it would be best if you gave us some real space. Got your own life all the way back together. Let me...get ours back together too.”
“But Connor...she needs a mother. Little girls need a mommy.”
“She had a mother,” I correct her.
“Excuse me?”
“She had a mother. She had a woman in her life who gave her food, clothing, shelter, toys, but most importantly unconditional love and affection. And not just when it was convenient for her but when Mak needed it. If there was ever a day I couldn’t be there for my daughter she was, would be, and will be. Gianna loves her, and I always do what’s best for my daughter and it just so happens that this time it’s what’s right for me too.”
To my surprise she doesn’t put up much of a fight. “You really love her don’t you?”
“I love them both.”
“No, not her,” she opens the door. “Gianna.”
Ashley gives me a silent nod before exiting the car. The second the door slams it feels liberating. Doors shut all the time, but with faith, the kind my father always told me to have, I know another will open, or in my hopes, reopen.
I take off down the road with only one direction in mind. The short trip over, I practice my speech time and time again. Maybe if I rehearse it enough she'll just accept it. Maybe if I sound like I know exactly what it is I want, because I do, she will see it and we can start to move past this. Get back on the right path. Our path. Together.
Pulling up to the gate, I see Benjamin, the security guard who looks as stunned to see me as I am to be here. “Can I um…help you Mr. Connor?”
“I need to see Gianna.”
In a troubled sigh he replies, “She’s not here.”
“What do you mean she’s not here?”
“I mean…she’s not here.”
“Well where is she?” I protest, my eyes glancing in the review mirror to see Mak still sleeping.
“I can’t say.”
“Ben—”
“Connor, I really can’t tell you.”
“Benjamin, I’m throwing myself at your mercy here. I need, we need, to find her. Mak can’t keep going without her. Hell I can't keep going with her. She needs me. I just..I know she needs me. Us. This family. She needs us the same way we need her.”
“Mr. Connor.” He leans forward on his bent arms. “You're absolutely right. I know she needs you. You were always great at saving her from herself. You could've prevented what happened today.”
Terrified of the answer, I ask, “Wh-what happened today?”
Benjamin looks disappointedly at his hands. “Attempted overdose.”
Suddenly my jaw drops at the same time my heart does. My hands slide down the wheel, tears suffocating the chance of taking another breath. “Bu...but I just saw her a couple hours ago. How’s that possible?”
With a slight shrug Benjamin tries not to let tears develop in his eyes, the deep affection he has for what I feel her father should. “I don’t know Connor. She came home and within that hour an ambulance was rushed in the gate. She’s at Park West Hospital.”
Once the information has sunk into my head I allow myself to drive as calmly as possible across town to the hospital. Luckily for me, MaKayla wakes up as we enter the hospital parking lot.
“Daddy, where are we?”
Determined not to cry until I know exactly what is wrong with her and the entire situation, I answer cautiously, “The hospital princess.”
Her small voice shoots up in panic, “Am I sick?”
“No angel. Mommy is.”
“Her broken heart made her sick?” The question pierces deeper than I have room for. I don't know what hurts more either. How concerned she is that Gianna is in the hospital or the fact she's right. Her broken heart, that I gave her, is the reason she's here. I am the reason. This is all my fucking fault.
Ignoring her question I reply, “We're gonna go and visit her alright? See if we can make her feel better.”
“I know I can,” Mak declares clutching her doll tighter. “I just know it!”
Quickly, I get her out of the car. I lift my daughter into my arms, and rush inside, following signs leading us to the emergency area, where the ambulance would've dropped her off.
Arriving at the desk, I muster up the courage to ask in an unstable voice, “I’m here to visit someone. I'm not sure, which room she's in.”
Her fingers stop typing to ask, “Name?”
“Gi—” My voice stops seeing her mother headed towards the elevator. Quickly, I rush the two of us over crying her name, “Cecile. Cecile!”
Turning around, surprised to see me, she comes to a sudden halt. A very clear emotion appears in her eyes, “Connor...”
“Hi,” my voice manages to whimper.
“Hi!” Mak squeaks. “We're here to see Mommy and make her feel better.”
Cecile looks touched and reaches out for Mak's small hand. “That's very sweet of you.”
“Mommy makes me feel better, so it's my turn.”
“What a big girl choice,” Cecile says to her before turning to me. “Connor, I don't think you should be here.”
“With all due respect Cecile you're wrong. If I had been there for her, she wouldn't be here now. She needed me and I...I made a mistake. I'll never make that mistake again.”
“Did you cheat on my daughter?”
“No.” Relief flushes her cheeks. “I let things that didn't matter stand in between us instead of remembering what matters most.”
“Which is what exactly?” Cecile folds her arms across her chest.
“The love we feel for each other. The happiness we can only find in each other. I can't live without her. Mak can't live without her. Please don't make us.”
Breaking out into tears she tosses herself into my arms, “We were so wrong Connor. We should've never tried to rip you apart.” I encourage her with a gentle pat to continue. “She was so much happier with you. So healthy. Finally becoming the person I knew she could be underneath it all....”
In a whisper I ask, “What happened Cecile?”
“Gianna came home right after your scene and went straight to her room. I thought she was just still upset about your break up, so I tried to keep giving her space. She's stopped therapy, so I told myself that this was going to happen. That she was going to shut herself away like she did every time we've moved. Like when we first moved here...but then I heard screaming. Margret, the maid, started shouting to call 911. Screaming that Gianna wasn't moving. There was an empty prescription bottle with the label peeled off a few feet from her body. They've manage to pump her stomach and stabilize her.”
“Can we see her?”
Cecile gives my arm a gentle rub and, “I think that'd be best. Follow me.”
Immediately Mak whimpers, “Daddy, what’s wrong with mommy?”
“She’s just sleeping.” I pull her closer to me. She has to be. That's the only thing she can be. She's going to wake. She's going to be okay. She has to be. We have too much left to live for. Too much to still share. Too much...everything.
“But I want to play with her…”
“Me too.” I nod slowly, tears filling my eyes, again. Sniffling them away I try to steady myself for her sake, “But she’s resting. She needs a long nap to feel better. So we're gonna be extra patient. Do you wanna wait with Daddy?”
With a sad face she nods and I sit her down in the chair while I remain standing.
“I'm gonna sing to her Daddy! Singing makes everything better.” Mak explains before she softly starts singing one of the songs from her princess movies.
Taking a step away, motioning for Cecile to follow, I whisper, “How long do they expect her to be like this?”
“They say any time now, but it could be a couple more hours. It shouldn't be days but...you know how these things can go.”
Rubbing the back of my neck I let out another deep sigh, “Guess we’re waiting then.”
“You’re going to stay? I mean MaKayla has no toys. No food. What are you going to do? Eventually she's going to need both of those things?”
Shrugging I answer to the best of my ability, “I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. I’ll spend the few bucks I have on food and she can watch videos on my phone until the battery dies.”
“And bed time?”
“I'll do something about it when it comes, but it's not here yet. And our main concern right now is to be here for Gianna when she wakes up. She's gotta know we're here for her.”
“Connor you--”
“What the hell are you doing here?” Gianna's father's voice breaks through.
Immediately her mother snaps at him, “Watch your tone Donald. His daughter is in the room.”