SLOW BURN

by Christie, Nicole

  Jelena comes in to admire my work, and declares that Dean will love it. As a bonus, she tells me she used to work in an aquarium supply store, and would be more than happy to look after the tank while Dean is away. Since she is way more knowledgeable than me on the subject, I gratefully agree.

  Before I leave, I stick Johnny’s present under the huge elegantly decorated Christmas tree in the family room. I bought the Razorheads concert tickets months ago, and there’s no reason they should go to waste. The Razorheads are his favorite band, and the seats are good ones. It gives me a little pang, wondering who he’ll take to the concert in my place. Only a little one, though, and I’m surprised to realize it doesn’t hurt.

  I’m with Dad and Cerise for Christmas. It’s Christmas Eve, and we’re staying the night at Michelle and Uncle Derek’s house. Their little house is bursting with Christmas decorations, but I kind of think it’s compensation for the definite lack of cheer in its occupants.

  I’m so happy to see Michelle again after weeks of not hearing from her. She tries her best to put up a good front, but the sparkle in her eyes is gone. She looks…empty. I feel so sad for her, and for Uncle Derek. He looks as helpless as I feel.

  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but—thank goodness for Cerise. She’s a one-woman cheering squad. She is so determined that everyone have a good time, that I’m afraid not to. Man, she’s a bouncy little thing. I notice Uncle Derek noticing her perfect little figure as she jumps around, trying to get us to sing Christmas songs with her. He catches me glaring at him, and looks away sheepishly. Michelle sits on the couch like a statue, a smile pasted on her face.

  The couch is ridiculously hard, and I just can’t get comfortable. Which is why I’m awake to hear the knock on the door at about one in the morning. Burglars don’t knock first, right?

  Stupidly, I’m more curious than frightened as I tiptoe over to the door to see who it is. I have a feeling it’s Derek’s soldier brother, back from Afghanistan as a Christmas surprise.

  I open the door just wide enough to see who it is—then gasp in surprise.

  “Dean!”

  I blink at him in astonishment. I must be dreaming. Why would Dean Youngblood be standing on my aunt’s porch—in Hidden Cove—when he’s suppose to be with his family in Aspen?

  But there he is—tall and slightly damp from the falling rain, with lost eyes and a vulnerable expression on his achingly handsome face.

  “Merry Christmas, Juliet,” he says in his low rough voice.

  I gape at him. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay? Did something—?”

  He shakes his head. “Can we talk?”

  “Um…sure. Hold on a second.”

  I dash back inside and grab Michelle’s sweater. Putting it on, I slip back outside, closing the door behind me. I start walking to the front of the house, where Dean’s truck is parked next to the streetlight, and he follows behind me. It’s still raining, but I’d rather get a little wet than risk someone in the house waking up.

  I lean against the side of his truck, hugging myself to stay warm. “What’s going on, Dean? Why are you here? How did you even know where I was?”

  He stands in front of me, he won’t look at me. He runs a hand through his wet dark hair, and stares at the ground. “I went by your house to drop of your Christmas present. Your mom told me where you were.” One side of his beautiful mouth quirks up in a smile. “She complimented me on my flawless English.”

  I feel a small jolt of alarm. “You didn’t tell her who you really are, did you? She’d freak! She’s the type that holds grudges, you know?”

  “I didn’t tell her. She didn’t really ask.”

  “Oh.” I squint at him, confused. “So…why are you here?”

  He finally lifts his head to give me a long searching look. “I saw what you did to my room,” he says softly.

  “Oh,” I say again. I shift nervously. “Um, did you like it?” I ask tentatively.

  Crap, he didn’t. He looks almost angry now, staring at me. “No one’s ever done anything like that for me before.”

  “Okay,” I say after another anxious pause. “Is that good or bad?”

  He cracks a small smile. “It’s good.”

  I sigh in relief. “Thank god. I was hoping you’d like it. And I can totally help you take care of the tank, if you want. I was gonna get you more fish, but I figured I’d wait a couple of days, you know—oh, hey, why are you home so early? I thought you guys weren’t coming back ‘til after New Years?”

  “I came back alone,” Dean says. “Aspen wasn’t where I wanted to be.”

  Something is happening here. I’m suddenly hyper aware of the slow-falling rain; the clean male scent of Dean—the way my heart is suddenly pounding in my chest.

  Oh, no…

  He shifts restlessly in front of me, and for once, I can identify every emotion that crosses his features: frustration, confusion, torment…the intensity of them scares me. I have a very urgent desire to run away from him. To stumble away from the edge before I’m pushed.

  Dean is abruptly, stubbornly determined. He towers over me, capturing my gaze with his. His body is a whisper away from mine, and the tiny space between us crackles with—oh, my god—sexual tension. I can’t even pretend to not know why he looks like he’s drowning in me.

  I watch the rapid rise and fall of his chest because I have to look away from those eyes. I can’t stop shaking—is it possible to feel freezing cold and burning hot at the same time? Maybe I’m deathly ill, and hallucinating this whole thing.

  “Juliet.” Dean’s voice is quiet, but insistent. “Ask me where I want to be.”

  Oh my god! Please don’t say in me, please don’t say, in me…

  I hug myself so tightly, my nails are probably leaving indentations in my upper arms. “I can’t—I don’t…” I stammer faintly.

  I sense Dean lower his head close to mine. “Right here. Right now,” he says his mouth close to my ear. His warm breath on my skin sends uncontrollable shivers into unexpected places of my anatomy.

  I try to meld into the door of his truck at my back. If he touches me, I’ll explode. I’ll lose control, and—no, no, this can’t be happening.

  “Dean,” I whisper, finally looking up at him. “Don’t.”

  His face—that amazing face of his—is inches from mine. His long dark eyelashes are starred together from the rain, and little droplets of water cling to his skin. How does he make rain look sexy?

  “Don’t what?” he asks tersely. “Don’t finally go after what I want? I…can’t pretend anymore. Don’t ask me to.”

  This is not happening right now. This is not…

  I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to ignore the thunderous pulsing in my ears. I can’t think! I have to—I slide away from him, ducking under the arm that had me caged between his body and the truck.

  “We’re friends,” I insist shakily “That’s all we can be. Or—or have you forgotten that your stepbrother is my ex-boyfriend?!”

  Dean’s face darkens, jaw clenching. “I know!” he growls. “You think I wanted this?!”

  “Then why are you here?!” I snap, happy to let whatever is building inside of me turn to anger.

  “Because.” Dean closes the distance between us in a lightning fast move. He stares down at me, and I’m stunned by the raw emotion in his light-filled eyes. “You make me feel.”

  I am barely breathing. “Feel what?” I whisper.

  He exhales a little cloud of steam. “Everything.”

  We stand there for endless moments—a beautiful boy and a scared, wet girl. I gasp for air. Somehow, without moving, our mouths are inches apart. Just one tilt of the head, one sign of accord from me—it’s the only thing holding Dean back from closing that distance, I know.

  I…can’t give it to him. I forcefully tear my gaze away from his. “You’re my friend,” I say, choking on some unnamed emotion. “Please…I don’t want things to change between us.”

  I star
t to walk away from him, needing to keep some space between us. He stops me with his quiet voice.

  “Just tell me one thing.”

  I look back at him. His expression is closed off now, blue/green, gray/green eyes shuttered, and his posture rigid. “What?” I say, almost fearfully.

  Dean pauses. “Do you still love Johnny?”

  I freeze, rooted to the spot. He asks me the one question I’ve been trying to figure out the answer to for longer than I care to admit. Damn it, I can’t think when Dean’s looking at me like that! Where the hell is all this—this freaking emotion coming from, anyway? He’s not suppose to have feelings like that! He’s Dean!

  “No—I don’t know!” I blurt out. Running both hands through my wet hair, I sigh explosively. “I still feel…I don’t know yet. You know, we have this crazy history—and we almost got back together so many times, but things keep happening, and I’m really confused, and—and why are you asking me, anyway?!”

  A wry smile momentarily relaxes Dean’s taut features. “I don’t know,” he says with a small shrug. “I guess I wanted to know if I even have a shot, here.”

  “Johnny and I aren’t getting back together, but I feel—”

  He gives a sudden shake of his head. “No, forget how you feel about Johnny. How do you feel about me?”

  “No, don’t ask me that,” I accidentally mumble out loud. Groaning, I hide my face in my hands.

  “Juliet.”

  “What?” My voice comes out muffled, because I refuse to look up.

  “Look at me. Please.”

  “No, thanks.”

  Dean’s warm hands grasp my wrists, and gently pull them away from my face. He doesn’t let go of me, tugging me closer so we’re almost touching again. He says my name again, softer this time, and like a question.

  “Yes?” I reluctantly look up at him.

  “Just tell me.” He exhales nervously. “Is there even the slightest chance that you could feel something for me—other than friendship?”

  I’m already shaking my head, a tiny movement I can’t seem to control. “I’m sorry, Dean. I can’t,” I say softly, feeling like the worst person in the world.

  Time is measured by the breaths I gasp for. Inhale. Exhale. The pitter-patter sound of the rain hitting the pavement is the only thing that helps keep my connected this reality—when all I want to do is be sucked into another plane of existence. One where I’m not hurting someone I really care about.

  Dean gives me another long searching look. I don’t know what he sees in my face, but he gives a short nod, releasing my wrists and stepping away from me.

  “Wait!” I say frantically when I realize he’s leaving. “Don’t stop being my friend, okay? I couldn’t stand it. Can we—can we just…pretend like this never happened? Could you do that for me? Please?”

  Dean stops, his hand on the handle of the truck. He looks at me steadily. “I would do anything for you,” he says, his voice quietly intense.

  He opens the truck door, and gets in. I watch him drive away, so many emotions, waving their arms at me, trying to get my attention. The biggest one, most insistent one…feels like regret.

  “Okay, so I have this, like, superficial attraction for him—but that’s because he’s really, really handsome. Like—I could show you a picture.”

  I grab my phone off the counter, and quickly scroll through the picture gallery, looking for Dean. When I find him, I triumphantly hand it over.

  Cerise reluctantly takes it, eyes glazed over with lack of sleep. She squints at the screen, suddenly looking more awake. “This guy goes to your school?” she says incredulously.

  “Right?” I take my phone back, and stare glumly down at Dean’s image.

  Cerise rests her elbows on the counter in front of her. “So, Dean and Johnny are brothers…?”

  “Step-brothers,” I correct.

  “Okay. And Johnny is your ex. He cheated on you, then you broke up. Then you hooked up with Dean?” She raises her eyebrows, waiting for confirmation.

  “No, I hooked up with Nick, Johnny’s best friend.” I wave my hand in the air. “It was a drunken mistake—which you’re not going to tell my dad about, right?”

  Cerise nods her head, looking only slightly dazed. I’m fairly positive she regrets stumbling out into the living room to ask me why I’m crying. “Sure. So…what’s the problem? You and Johnny broke up—he’s gone out with all these girls since then; this incredible guy tells you he likes you, you tell him you want to be just friends—and he’s cool with that. Right?”

  “It’s more complicated than that,” I say, toying anxiously with my phone. I spin it in circles on the counter—and just manage to catch it as it goes flying off.

  “It’s really not,” Cerise disagrees, sliding off the stool, and doing a full-bodied stretch. She glances at me. “The only way it’d be complicated is if you liked him back.”

  I open my mouth—snap it shut again, and avert my eyes. For being a Cerise, she’s got a point.

  “I’m going back to bed.” She yawns, and does another perky stretch. “Your father’s probably wondering where I am. Oh, hey, Merry Christmas!”

  I quickly try to erase the look of horror from my face at the mention of my father and bed in the same sentence. “Merry Christmas, Cerise,” I mutter.

  She giggles at me, and leans over to poke my nose. “Night-night.”

  Oh, dear. I drop my face into my arms resting on the counter. Night-night, indeed.

  I’m lying on my bed right now, staring at Dean’s Christmas present to me. It’s an actual carousel-sized replica of my little Willow, right down to the amethyst eyes and the tiny heart on her butt. She’s beautiful, exquisite, suspended in mid-gallop by a carousel pole through her middle.

  It almost hurts to look at her. If Dean hadn’t come to me on Christmas morning to tell me how he felt, I would have known when I saw her. How could he have given me something like this? How could he have remembered?

  I stare at her, but instead of seeing her gleaming white body, the purple flowing mane, and the wreath of colorful flowers around her neck…I see Dean. The first real smile I teased out of him at the beach; Dean, the way he took care of his Uncle Jimmy; that night at Misha’s party (ooh)…the way he looked at me, and the things he said Christmas morning…

  I roll over onto my stomach and scream into my pillow. “Get out of my head,” I mumble, and smack my head a couple of times for good measure.

  As if things weren’t confusing enough, Johnny’s present of a beautiful diamond pendant was completely over the top—and a completely inappropriate gift for an ex. I can only hope that, like me, he bought my gift months earlier, and decided he might as well give it to me. Where did he get the money for it, anyway? It doesn’t look like it cost a fortune, but I’m sure it wasn’t cheap, either. I’m giving it back, of course. The thing is, I didn’t even take it out of the glossy pink box it was in. Yeah, it was pretty and flashy…but it’s just not for me. Not anymore.

  Mom and I spend New Year’s Eve together, watching old movies and eating ice cream. It’s nice, and a good distraction from my thoughts. Those pesky thoughts I can’t seem to stop thinking. But the more I think, the more confused I am—until the only thing I’m positive of is that I absolutely do not know what I want.

  Did I ever?

  ******

  Chapter 38

  The first week back at school is awful. I am a terrible person. I know I told Dean that I wanted things to go back to the way they were—but I can’t quite get there. I barely meet his eyes when we bump into each other, and class is—ugh! Dean is his usual quiet self, but I am a bumbling red-faced idiot any time we have to speak.

  I obsess over what happened Christmas morning until the event obtains mythical status in my mind, and I start to wonder if it really happened. Maybe I imagined it all. Maybe the stress from the past weeks have finally caught up with me. Because I’m wracking my brain, trying to recall each and every conversation I’ve had wit
h Dean, the times we hung out—for anything extraordinary on my part, that would justify how he feels about me. I can’t come up with anything! In fact, it should be the opposite. I should totally be crushing on him. How many times has he come to my rescue? How many times has he said exactly the right thing, what I needed to hear? And been there for me. What have I done for him—besides pester him all the time, then turn him down cold on Christmas?

  I wish I could talk to Heather about all of this, but she still hates me, so…no luck there. But I can just imagine what she’d have to say about Johnny doing another one-eighty.

  About Johnny. Of course, he gets pissed when I try to give him back the necklace. He explains that he got it for me months before, and that I deserve to have it for all the shit he put me through. He wants to start over, try to be friends again, and then see where that takes us. He says it with such hope in his eyes, that I feel bad for even hesitating. I want to be friends, of course I do. But we’ve hurt each other so many times, I just…I think maybe it would be best if we just stayed away from each other for a while. Less complicated. Lord knows I could do with less complicated right now.

  “So, what’s up with you and Youngblood? You guys finally play some naked Twister?”

  “What?!”

  I give Ben my most incredulous look, complete with buggy eyes and open mouth. We’ve just left class, and I have to look around to make sure the people streaming past us didn’t overhear.

  “Why would you say that?!” I hiss at him.

  Ben just gives me a pitying look. He backs away towards the door that leads to a small courtyard, and beckons me to follow him. Reluctantly, I do. He holds the door open for me, and we slip outside for some privacy.

  He flops down on an intricately carved wooden bench, and pats the space next to him before making the familiar motions of patting his pockets for a smoke.

  “Better not,” I warn him, before he takes one out. “The cameras, remember? And you’re in enough trouble for the mooning thing.”