Azure (Drowning In You)

by Thoma, Chrystalla

  She blinked. God, he was so beautiful, and he obviously wanted her — a lot. “I, um...” Where were all the words now? She was speechless

  He looked down at himself, then up at her face, frowning. “Liv? Is this okay?”

  She nodded, biting her lip. “Perfect,” she whispered. “You’re perfect.”

  Still looking at her, as if trying to read her face, he fumbled at something on the window sill over the bed. He lifted a small package. A condom. He tore the foil with his teeth and pulled it on. She couldn’t tear her eyes off him.

  “I bought a package yesterday morning. Just in case, you know... Liv?”

  Uncertainty returned to his gaze and it undid a knot in her chest. She pulled him down, until he was stretched over her. He groaned, shifting, his length sliding on her stomach. “Oh god.”

  She whole-heartedly agreed but speech had deserted her again. He felt wickedly good, pressed against her, but she needed more. She reached up, brushed silken hair out of his eyes, and kissed him.

  He responded fiercely, devouring her mouth, one hand braced by her head, the other stroking her, igniting her all over again. God, he tasted like nothing else in the world, salt and sugar, caramel and bitter almond. Her body hummed with pleasure, her head swam, and still she couldn’t stop kissing him, her fingertips running over the rough stubble of his jaw.

  He shifted again, his hand slipping between them, and he pushed into her like a warm wave. She gasped in his mouth, raising her hips, and he pushed harder, groaning. The thick muscles of his thighs moved between her legs and she raked her nails lightly down his back.

  He lifted his head, his lips parted, his eyes closing. The lamplight gilded his cheekbones, his long lashes, the corded tendons of his neck. Blue seemed to shimmer down his arms, ripples like sunlight refracting through water. He whispered something that might have been her name and began to move, rolling inside her like the sea.

  It felt good, so damn good, and yet it wasn’t enough. She wrapped a leg around his, shifting closer, making him gasp out loud. Jagged shadows fell on his face, on his soft lips. Sweat rolled in glistening paths down his chest, muscles standing out in stark relief on his arms and stomach. His breathing quickened as he moved faster, his arms trembling on either side of her.

  Pleasure crashed into her, rising higher and higher, until her eyes rolled back and she arched her neck, her hands gripping his shoulders. She cried out, shaking, as time snapped and hurtled her into the void. She tumbled, pleasure zipping along her nerves, electric aftershocks jolting her, as Kai hissed, his head bowed. His lips pulling back in a grimace, he rocked into her one last time, his whole body vibrating, and stilled, panting hard.

  “Holy shit,” he whispered and laid himself on top of her, elbows planted on either side of her head, supporting his weight. He nipped at her lips, kissed her, then rolled off and stretched by her side. “That was...” He gave a breathless laugh and she smiled.

  “Mind-blowing?” she provided, winking.

  “Mind-blowing, yeah. Fucking beautiful.” He blinked at her, stroked a fingertip down her throat. His chocolate eyes were somber. “You are that.”

  She snuggled closer until their noses almost touched, his arm curling around her. “I like being with you.” I love your body, your voice, your taste, your smile, I love so much about you. Don’t let the sea have you.

  Kai’s eyes were hooded, his breathing slowing. He was falling asleep. “I’d sell my soul to stay with you,” he whispered.

  ***

  Sunlight teased Olivia’s eyes. It was quiet, the curtains fluttering at the windows and the buzz of the wind the only sound. Not even the cicadas had woken up yet.

  She was alone in the hut.

  Throwing off the sheets, she swung her legs off the bed and stared at her bare legs. She was naked, and the realization brought back in a rush the memories of the previous night.

  The taverna over the aqueduct. Kai fleeing something her friends had said. The drive back. The sex.

  She grinned down at her toes. He thought she was beautiful, and he was... gorgeous didn’t begin to describe him. Hot and sexy. Cute. And also nice. Considerate. Fun.

  Raking her fingers through her salt-stiffened hair, she got up to gather her clothes. He was everything she thought he might be, and she wanted to know more. She paused as she put on her bikini. What was he hiding? What was his secret?

  Panos said it hadn’t been his fault, but what did that mean? What exactly had happened?

  She pulled on her dress and stood at the door, looking down at the choppy sea. She thought she saw Kai swimming out in the open, but wasn’t sure. Shaking her head, she returned indoors. A note on the rickety table caught her eye.

  ‘Didn’t want to wake you up. I’ve gone swimming. Kai.’

  She could wait for him down on the rocks. She pulled her hair back in a ponytail and sat on the bed to put on her sandals.

  Something lay under the bed. A book. Its cover was a faded green, its pages dog-eared. When she picked it up, it had no dust or sand on it. As if someone read it often.

  ‘Myra Crow. Poems.’

  She leafed through it. No notes in the margins. This wasn’t a student’s book. Besides, what had Kai said his major was? Architecture? What a coincidence that he seemed to be so fond of Markus’s favorite poet.

  Or was it because of the place? Markus said Myra Crow had died in Crete.

  Had drowned, in fact, in the area.

  Cold sweat trickled down Olivia’s back. She turned the book over. On the back, there was a picture of a young woman with a mop of dark hair. She was smiling, a sweet, faint smile. A short biography was printed below.

  A great voice of her generation. Born in Massachusetts. English professor. Lived on Crete for a while. Taught in several universities. Lyrical poet with dark themes.

  Olivia’s attention returned to the photo. She traced a fingertip over Myra Crow. Her smile. There was something familiar about it, something nagging at Olivia’s memory. And those dark brows, straight like pencil strokes.

  Who did she remind her of?

  “Why did you live on Crete?” Olivia whispered. “Why would an English professor want to live here?” Was there a university in the region? It was a beautiful place, but not the best place to advance one’s academic career.

  Olivia turned to the first page. Poems. A collection of my youth. Printed in New York. She didn’t know the publisher.

  She flipped the page and froze. Printed on top of the page was the dedication.

  ‘To my son Kyler.’

  And below, in faint, looping letters was inked: ‘My sunshine boy, don’t let the sea take you. Love you, always. Mom.’

  ***

  Olivia left the book where she’d found it and scrawled a note below Kai’s, letting him know she was heading back to the hotel to shower and change.

  Sand blew, stinging her shins as she walked down the path. She stared down at her feet, not really seeing anything, her mind a whirlwind. It threw scraps of memories at her — Kai who didn’t want to read, who paled when she told him she studied English literature, and had a panic attack when Markus mentioned Myra Crow. Or was it when Kirsten had quoted that bit about his father — what was it? Being at the bottom of the sea?

  ‘An accident,’ Panos had said. ‘The sea can’t take him. He’s of the sea.’

  Jesus, what had happened?

  Panos was there, behind the desk, when she entered the hotel. He looked up, his bushy brows drawing together.

  “Good morning,” he said, eyeing her outfit. “Go swim, like Kai? Storm today.”

  “Is it dangerous?”

  “Not for Kai.”

  She nodded, her thoughts still swirling like blood down a drain. Right.

  “Make him laugh again?” Panos gave her a hopeful look.

  She had to think about that. Yesterday seemed like years ago. “Yes.” She remembered tickling Kai at the beach, playing in the waves. “Yes, I did.”

  “Good.�
�� Panos nodded and held out her key. “Good.”

  She took it, clutching it so tight its ridges burned into her palm. “Thanks.”

  “Are you okay?” Panos leaned forward, his big hands flat on the desk.

  “I’m worried,” she confessed, not even knowing why she did it. “About Kai.”

  “He swim good. Winter, storm. No problem. Is the curse.” Panos shrugged. “Breathe in water, like fish.”

  Yeah, funny. “He’s human, Panos. He can die in a storm just like everyone else. Hell, boats are made to float and they sink sometimes. How would he survive it?” Fear clenched her insides. “Maybe we should go look for him.”

  “No.” Panos gave a grave shake of his head. “Boat sink, Kai survive. Everyone die in storm. He swim.”

  Okay, rewind. “He was on a boat that sank?”

  “Accident,” Panos said, suddenly looking uncomfortable. “Many years ago.”

  Oh god. There it was. “Myra Crow,” Olivia whispered. “Kai’s mother.”

  “He tell you.” Panos rubbed his eyes. “Yes. He lose everything. Almost go crazy.” He blinked. “Now you understand.”

  Understand what? Kai had survived a wreckage that had killed his mother. Talk about a traumatic experience.

  “Why did he come back?”

  “I tell him,” Panos said. “Young. Should go study, have life. He live like a wild man, in hut, in sea.” He gestured at her pendant. “You have magic. Tell him.”

  “What about his father?” She was still clutching the key. “Where is he?”

  Panos took a step back from the desk, eyes narrowed. “He not tell you everything.”

  An understatement. Cold dread gripped her. “Panos?”

  “Father, mother, friends. Gone. He lose everything to the sea.” Shaking his head, Panos turned and hurried away.

  ***

  Olivia took a long shower, scrubbing the sand off her body. She couldn’t stop thinking about Kai, his smile, his dark eyes, the pain that often haunted them.

  He’d been on that boat. He’s survived and was blamed by everyone for that — or rather, because they thought he was a weird fish creature, something not human.

  He hadn’t needed their prompting to believe it. He thought he was to blame. And he offered himself to the sea like a sacrifice every day.

  Don’t let the sea take you. My sunshine boy.

  The shampoo stung her eyes. She stepped out of the shower stall and wrapped a towel around her. The mirror was fogged over. She wiped a swath with her hand and stared at her red-rimmed eyes.

  Oh god, Kai, I’m so sorry this happened to you.

  What was she going to do now? How was she going to act? Kai hadn’t been the one to tell her. He didn’t know she knew, and that made her want to hide. Wouldn’t he take one look at her face and realize she knew?

  She’d never had a good poker face, and he somehow saw through her every single time, seemed to read her thoughts.

  She couldn’t think. Coffee. She needed caffeine for her sluggish brain to engage. She got dressed quickly, pulled up her hair and knocked on Kirsten and Markus’s door.

  Kirsten took one look at her and drew her inside. “What happened?” she hissed.

  Yeah, no poker face. “Nothing. I just...” Her eyes stung again.

  “Did he hurt you?” Markus was suddenly there, looming behind Kirsten, looking furious. “This Kai.”

  “No! He didn’t. Not at all.” Pull yourself together, Liv. “I just came to see if you guys want to grab some breakfast and I...”

  Kirsten tugged on Olivia’s hand, her eyes concerned, and it was too much. Olivia opened her mouth to say she needed coffee and it all poured out — the discovery she’d made, Kai’s past, Panos’s words.

  “Poor boy,” Kirsten whispered, pulling her to sit by her side on the bed, slinging an arm over Olivia’s shoulders, as if she was the one in need of comfort and not Kai. “What a terrible thing to happen to someone.”

  “Myra Crow’s son.” Markus shook his head, looking dazed. “I can’t believe it. I mean, I knew she died in this area, but to think all this time we were talking and having drinks with her son...”

  “So his name is Kyler. He lost his family here.” Kirsten squeezed Olivia’s hand. “And he’s here because he can’t forgive himself for what happened.”

  Kirsten had always been good at summarizing things. Olivia pulled her hand away. That was why Kai had come back — to pay.

  And what could she do? In a few days she was leaving, returning to college and her friends. He was staying here. He’d made it clear. I live here. He’d said it over and over again. Should she stand by and watch him try to die every day? It made her chest so tight she could barely breathe.

  She would fail him, like she’d fail Andria. He wasn’t paying attention to Panos or anyone else, obviously, asking him to stop. He was on a suicidal mission and she was just a passing ray in his darkness. She didn’t know if she could stand by and watch him drown.

  Why was she doing this to herself when she was still trying to rise from the deep herself? He wouldn’t listen to his family, so why would he listen to her? He barely knew her, and she was leaving. Why had she come to care for the one person she couldn’t help?

  “Oh Liv.” Kirsten put her hands on Olivia’s cheeks and it was only then she realized tears were leaking from her eyes. “This isn’t your battle. You can’t let this bring you down. He’ll be all right.”

  Would he?

  “He’s making you sad,” Markus said. “You need a break.”

  She’d never told them, but they could read her as well as Kai could. Maybe she was an open book, only thinking she’d been hiding all along while everyone knew.

  “You’re a sunshine girl,” Kirsten said. “Let’s go get some sunshine.”

  My sunshine boy. Kai had been like that once, hadn’t he?

  “We’ll something together, what do you say?” Kirsten pulled her to her feet. “Forget about this for a while. Let’s go for a walk. Markus found a lovely place on the map not far from here. We have fruit and water and we can have our breakfast in the hills.”

  “It’s stormy.”

  “No, it’s just windy. We won’t let you float away.”

  She let them haul her along, barely seeing where she was going. She didn’t realize when they left the hotel or when they took a trail down a ravine. Didn’t hear Kirsten’s quotes from Shakespeare and Markus’s replies.

  She was failing. Again. Not able to pull Kai back from the edge of the cliff. Not able to stop him from sinking.

  Her friends set up their blanket under a tree, securing it with rocks, spreading small dishes. Markus set to peeling and cutting oranges and apples. The wind was falling. The birds sang. The cicadas were trying out their mating call.

  “Eat,” Kirsten said, pushing a dish toward her.

  She tried. Her throat had closed up and she couldn’t push anything down. “When did Myra Crow die?” And with her, Kai’s father and friends?

  “Sweetie...” Kirsten didn’t look pleased with this conversation.

  “Six years ago,” Markus said.

  Kai was twenty. He’d been fourteen. He’d gone back to the States, to... whom? An uncle? An aunt? Had finished school, gone to college, was expelled and returned here. Had to be in the past year. Why? What had prompted him to come back? Had something else happened?

  “Stop thinking about it,” Markus said. “He’ll be fine. People often move on after horrible experiences.”

  But Kai hadn’t. Or if he’d tried, something had pushed him back down. She had to find out what it was.

  “Oh no, you’re not going anywhere,” Kirsten said, grabbing her arm. How had she known she was going to leave? “Stay, Liv. Give yourself a break. You’re getting obsessive.”

  “That’s how I am,” she whispered.

  “Lie down, look at the sky.” Kirsten did just that, lying on the blanket and blinking at the sky.

  Olivia sighed and lay back. Clouds sai
led overhead, shifting into strange shapes, scowling faces and fishtails. She was exhausted. She felt as if she’d battled a giant and had barely survived.

  Which was ridiculous, she thought, her eyes closing. She seemed to just drift through life, unable to affect its course and outcomes.

  She had to do something...

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  To do a great right, do a little wrong.

  Shakespeare

  Go on, yell and wail; silence is to no avail.

  Myra Crow

  “Liv. Wake up.”

  She blinked, the brightness of the sky hurting her eyes. She threw an arm over them, still caught in snatches of dreams — blue water, sparkling fish swimming around her, mermaids and mermen tumbling in circles. And Kai. He’d been there, floating motionless in the blue, a hand stretched out to her.

  She hadn’t taken it. She’d frozen, undecided, her hands held over her heart as if to protect it, leaving him to drift away.

  And now she lay on a blanket in a white ravine, Kirsten’s face leaning over her, covering the sky.

  “What?” Liv’s tongue felt a size too big for her mouth.

  “You fell asleep.” Kirsten smirked and wagged her brows. “I must inform you I took photos I can use for blackmail if I ever need anything from you.”

  “Oh jeez. Was I drooling?” Olivia sat up, rubbing her face. She felt as if a ton of rocks had fallen on her. “I feel like crap.”

  “Here.” Kirsten passed her a bottle of water. “It will help.”

  Olivia nodded and took a long draught. “Did I sleep long?”

  “It’s midday.”

  Shit. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

  “You looked like you needed it.” Kirsten shrugged. “The day is still young.”

  Olivia glanced around. “Where’s Markus?”

  “He’s exploring the ravine.”

  “I need to go back.”

  “Why? We could walk a bit farther, see the villages. There’s a medieval chapel up the hill and we could—”