Azure (Drowning In You)

by Thoma, Chrystalla

  She looked around at the airport, half expecting to see Kai there. But he wasn’t anywhere to be seen, and their flight was called for boarding. She went through the motions, the pain inside flaring time and again.

  Kai would be working at the beach bar of the hotel again. He’d probably run into Justin more than once. Would they talk? Would they fight? Would they ignore each other?

  Would Kai forget her easily, go on as if he’d never met her? All those revelations, the changes in him — would they last? Had the spell really been broken or was he still tied to the sea? Still standing on the cliff with nobody to catch him?

  In the end, she had failed him, too.

  They boarded the plane. Took off. They landed in Frankfurt, and Kirsten’s mother was there, waiting with the rest of Olivia’s things. She’d be boarding her flight to the States in a few hours’ time.

  Going back home.

  She couldn’t feel it. The word held no meaning. Nobody was waiting for her there. Her parents would be glad to see her, but their lives kept them away often and she was moving to a new college where she knew nobody.

  Kirsten promised they’d come soon, within the month. Markus hugged her tightly, lifting her off her feet, telling her to take good care of herself.

  None of it mattered. Later that day she climbed into a bigger plane and watched the land fall away below. She was leaving Europe, and Kai.

  She held a hand to her chest, where the pain lingered, and wondered if anyone had found a cure for a broken heart. It felt like a mortal wound, a hole from which her life was pouring out, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

  ***

  Her return felt odd. Her hometown was like a place she’d never inhabited. She’d gotten used to Germany with its cloudy skies, the brutally honest and fiercely loyal people, the distance it had placed between the present and the past. Now the pain rushed back in, the guilt and sorrow, made worse by losing Kai.

  Or letting him go. That was what she’d asked of the sea.

  But he obviously thought she’d lied to him. That even though she hadn’t gone back with Justin, she was still involved with him. Panos and Rita wouldn’t be inclined to play advocate for her.

  God knew what Justin might tell Kai. She doubted he’d admit he’d been turned down a second time. She could just imagine Justin telling Kai they were getting married any day now.

  Crap.

  Her parents took her out to dinner and asked to know all about Germany and Crete. The words came haltingly, and she found herself avoiding any mention of Kai, the mermaids and magic. She didn’t want to talk about it. Didn’t want to be told magic didn’t exist, and that Kai was a passing fancy. Didn’t want to hear it sounded mad and that she was now home.

  Home.

  She wasn’t. Not really. Not without him.

  He’d spoken of a painting, hadn’t he? At the Museum of Modern Art in New York. Said it reminded him of her — a girl trying to find her way back.

  God, she missed him.

  She met a couple of friends before she left for college. Went to the movies and then out for drinks. She went through the motions. It was as if she were inhabiting someone else’s body, someone else’s head.

  Her mind was still in Crete.

  To stop thinking, she threw herself into the move, trying to figure out what to take with her, and wondering what her new room mate would be like.

  She should have been worried about moving to a strange place and about making friends. It should have been exciting, too. An opportunity to explore new things and find her place in the world.

  Germany had been like that.

  But her mind wasn’t in it. Her heart wasn’t in it. The pain of separation had dulled but not faded. She wondered if it ever would.

  Hot on the heels of that thought came doubt. Was she making a mistake, leaving her old life again? If Kai had come with her to New York, things might have been different. Now, she was running toward emptiness. Running away — again.

  And Kai, was he okay? Had the strange sickness really left him? Was he careful when he swam into the blue?

  Not your concern anymore, she told herself. He’s not a project for you to work on.

  But she’d broken him. Had she fixed him afterward?

  Kirsten had said everyone had to find their own way.

  But sometimes you needed help. Olivia wasn’t sure she’d have made it without Kirsten’s help.

  God.

  Packing her stuff only reminded her of Crete, of choosing what to wear to look sexy for Kai, and of the last fateful day when she’d left without even being given the chance to say goodbye.

  Her hands trembled. She sank to her knees, staring at the box in which she’d been packing her papers. It wasn’t fair, finding Kai and losing him so soon.

  He’s not dead, she reminded herself. Stop acting as if he is. He’s only lost to you.

  It didn’t make her feel any better.

  Her parents offered to drive her to her new campus, across the state, but she managed to find another student transferring there and hitched a ride. Helen was her name, and she seemed nice.

  Olivia tried her best to be friendly and attentive, even when her mind drifted to the past. She had to learn how to pretend to be happy and alive when she’d left a piece of her behind.

  Just do it, Liv. Just let go. Kai is gone as surely as Andria is. He may be finally free to make his own choices.

  Let them both go.

  Olivia wondered how many times she had to start anew.

  The campus of the new college was more cramped and dirty than her old one. Her room was tiny, the bed narrow as a prison cell bunk, and her new roommate, name of Sonia, was so cheery and bouncy it made her feel even more depressed.

  She forced herself to eat breakfast and lunch, but in the evenings she missed Kai so much she couldn’t swallow a bite. She met with counselors and professors, arranged her class schedule, picked subjects and even sports. The card of the hotel where she’d stayed in Crete stared at her every day from her wallet and she thought of throwing it away, but couldn’t bring herself to do it.

  Dark eyes, silky hair, a half-smile... She didn’t even have a photo of Kai. Better that way. He’d fade from her memory.

  At least she told herself that, sitting at the window of her room, gazing at the students crossing below in the late afternoon light. They looked carefree and just as bouncy as her roommate. The sunrays rippled through the foliage of the trees, creating golden waves on the ground, as if slanting through water.

  Kai...

  Olivia opened her wallet, and took out the hotel card. Maybe Kai didn’t want to talk to her. But she could at least set her mind at ease knowing he was okay.

  She had to call. She’d lasted out more than a week. Too long.

  In New York it was seven PM. In Greece it was two in the morning. Now her decision to call had been made, she didn’t want to wait, but had no choice.

  She paced circles in the tiny room, glad her roommate wasn’t there for the weekend. At midnight she’d call, when it would be early morning on Crete. God, if time passed slowly before, it had come to a complete standstill now.

  The hours lumbered by, heavy and slow.

  At midnight, she picked up her phone and punched in the number of the hotel. And waited as the phone rang and rang. Her heart banged. Her breath caught.

  Please.

  Nothing.

  She called again and again until she got through, and then the connection was so bad she wasn’t sure it wasn’t just mixed lines.

  Come on.

  Hitting her head on the wall probably wouldn’t help. Kicking the bed frame would at least spare her the headache.

  One last try.

  A bass male voice answered in Greek and she gripped the phone so hard she heard the plastic casing creak. “Panos? It’s Olivia. It’s Kai there? Is he okay?”

  The man rattled off a reply but it sounded like gibberish. She tried again, asking if Kai was okay, if he
’d gotten her number, why he hadn’t called.

  Useless. If that was Panos, she couldn’t understand a single word spoken in that growling voice. Or maybe it was simply a bad connection.

  She stared at the wall, biting her lip. “Panos, where is Kai?”

  A pause, then Panos spoke in halting English. “Kai gone.”

  Olivia froze, her breath locked in her lungs.

  No, she must have misunderstood. Panos’s English wasn’t very good. “Gone?”

  “He gone,” Panos repeated.

  “What do you mean?” God, she couldn’t breathe. “Is he okay?”

  “Gone,” Panos grumbled, his voice distorted by the crappy connection. “Away.”

  And the line went flat.

  ***

  Gone.

  What the hell did that mean? It almost sounded like Kai had died, and panic threatened to send her crashing to the floor. After trying the number a couple more times, she finally gave up. She placed the phone on the bedside table carefully, not trusting her shaky hand.

  She’d failed Kai, like she’d failed Andria. What the hell had happened? Had he drowned? An accident on the road, perhaps?

  Oh god, please, please...

  She fell onto the mattress, her eyes hot with unshed tears. You’re in too deep, Markus had said.

  Yeah.

  She should have canceled her flight on that last day, found Kai and explained everything to him.

  He couldn’t be dead. If he was, Panos would have said so, right? Gone away, Panos had said. It wasn’t the same thing.

  Olivia took breath after shaky breath. She had to find Kai. Forgetting him wasn’t an option. She might as well forget her own name. She had to go back to Crete.

  But how? She had no money for this.

  Her jaw clenched. She’d find a way. She’d get a job and save enough to do this.

  As she stared at the wall, she recalled again Kai talking of that painting at the MOMA. She hadn’t even been in the city yet, hadn’t cared about it. Hadn’t checked out the galleries and museums. But suddenly she wanted to see where Kai had often sat and what he’d contemplated before he’d gone back to Crete and the sea.

  Dawn had barely broken behind the trees outside when she got up and made herself ready. She needed a sign, a connection, and the only thing she could think of was sitting where Kai had sat, seeing what he’d seen.

  Magic. She’d started to believe, hadn’t she? If she prodded, maybe something on the other side would answer.

  Setting her jaw, she scrubbed her hair back in a ponytail, pulled on her boots and jacket, grabbed her map and headed out.

  The bus ride from the campus took an hour, and then almost another hour by subway and she was in downtown New York.

  God, the size of it! The buildings, the avenues, the shops, glittering surfaces, glass and chrome spires piercing the pale sky.

  Feeling like a child in a country of giants, she strolled through the streets, gawking at everything.

  Too big. Too much. She wanted Crete with its small streets and shops. With Kai. Dammit.

  She crossed avenue after avenue, checking her map. Not far now. She rounded a corner and glimpsed the immense glass facade of the museum. It hadn’t opened yet, but there was a long line of people waiting.

  She stood with them, her mind on the past, replaying every moment she’d had with Kai.

  He wasn’t dead. She’d have felt it. And Panos wouldn’t have said ‘gone’, he’d have said ‘dead’. Panos only wanted her to keep away from his cousin.

  Right?

  She couldn’t take this anymore. Sick with worry, sick with missing Kai. She had to go back to Crete. Even if Kai didn’t want anything to do with her. Just to see he was all right.

  For the first time she thought she understood why Justin had needed to talk to her face to face.

  Maybe if Kai told her he didn’t care about her, she’d find closure and move on. She had to move on; she’d stayed in the past way too long.

  The line moved sluggishly along. The door of the museum had opened. It was an impressive building, though she didn’t think she could care less right now. How could she find the money to go back to Crete? Maybe Kirsten could lend her some...

  Olivia paid for her ticket, which was damn expensive despite the student discount, and picked up a plan of the museum. What had the name of the painting been?

  She approached a guard. “Excuse me. There is painting of a woman in a field, reaching toward a house. I can’t remember who—”

  “Andrew Wyeth,” the man said. “Christina’s World.”

  She gaped. “You know every single painting here?”

  He laughed and rubbed his nose as if embarrassed. “It’s just that there’s this guy. He’s been coming here every day for the past week. I think he camps outside.”

  “Excuse me?” What was he talking about?

  “He sits in front of the painting all day. Doesn’t even go to the bathroom or to eat. Here, I’ll take you there.” He grinned. “You’ll see what I mean.”

  She followed him through huge halls with modernistic exhibits, past gathering crowds of visitors, until she thought he was just as lost as she was.

  He stopped at a huge door and poked his head inside. His grin widened. “He’s in here. Poor guy. He says he’s waiting for someone. For Olivia, in fact. I don’t suppose your name is Olivia?”

  Her mouth fell open. She stumbled inside and froze.

  Because there was a painting depicting a girl lying in a field, reaching toward a distant house. And sitting in front of it was a familiar figure, a young man, his dark hair tousled. He was hunched over, looking defeated. He was fingering something at his throat and her hand flew to her own chest where her chain hung, her pendant gone, returned to the sea.

  She stepped closer, her heart booming. “Kai?”

  He gasped and shot to his feet, whirling toward her. “Liv!”

  Oh god, it was him, his dark eyes lighting up, his mouth curling into a smile. He laughed and launched himself at her, caught her in his arms and lifted her. He spun her around, and she saw tears in his eyes.

  When he put her down, she hugged him close, hiding her face against his strong shoulder.

  “I called the hotel last night,” she whispered. “Panos said you were gone. I had no idea what he meant. I was going to go back to find you.”

  “You were?” His voice was choked. “Liv, I wanted to talk to you, see if you were okay, but I didn’t know how to find you.”

  “You didn’t get my note?”

  “What note?”

  She shook her head, not willing to let go of him for one second. It didn’t matter. “I thought I’d never see you again. You vanished and I couldn’t find you to explain, I looked and looked...” Her vision was going blurry. Oh god, she wasn’t going to start bawling now, was she?

  “Panos told me what you said. That you’d broken up with your boyfriend before meeting me. Panos didn’t believe you, but I remembered the ring you threw into the sea, and the story you told me. I believe you.”

  She willed her tears not to fall. “You came here every day,” she breathed.

  “I was hoping you’d remember.” He pulled back to look at her face, his eyes uncertain. “I didn’t know how else to find you. You’re not listed in the online phone directory and googling your name didn’t bring up anything useful, either.”

  “I know.” She’d come looking for a sign and she’d found him waiting. She just couldn’t believe it. “It’s so good to see you. I’m happy.” There weren’t words to describe how she felt, in fact. Awed. Dazed. Dizzy with joy. “So happy.”

  He smiled that faint smile of his. His shoulders relaxed. “I thought I might scare you by doing this, coming here... I don’t seem like a stalker, do I? I realize we barely know each other.”

  “I know you,” she whispered. She wasn’t scared at all, which was scary all by itself, and wasn’t that ironic? “And you know me better than anyone else.” Body and
soul.

  “I had to talk to you,” he said. “See if you hadn’t changed your mind.”

  A translucent gem glittered at his throat, caught on a silver chain. A mermaid scale. She lifted a hand to it, her mind a whirlwind. “About?”

  He swallowed hard, his eyes closing when she touched the pendant. “Us.”

  “Does that mean you’re staying?” Hope made her throat tight.

  He nodded. “I’ve applied at a college here. It looks like they’ll accept me. My uncle’s friends may have pulled some strings.”

  She lowered her hand and clutched his arms, not knowing what to say. “That’s amazing, god, I...” She shook her head, her lips trembling. “Please tell me this isn’t a dream.”

  “Not a dream,” he said, gazing at her under lowered lashes. “No, this is real.”

  “And the sea?”

  “The sea...” He caressed her face and the blue streak in his eyes lit up. “There’s sea everywhere. But you’re here, only here, and I want to be with you.”

  THE END

  Greek words used in the text

  Kaltsouni (see recipe at the back): traditional Cretan sweet, a small pastry filled with fresh cheese, sugar and cinnamon

  Frappe (see recipe at the back): a cold drink made by mixing instant coffee and water (also milk and/or sugar as desired)

  Raki: a strong, clear tasteless alcohol favored by Cretans, similar to the Italian Grappa (not to be confused with Turkish Raki which is flavored with anis)

  Opa: an exclamation of surprise

  Gorgona: mermaid

  Navagio: wreck

  Vrykolakes: vampires

  Taverna: traditional, informal Greek family restaurant

  German words and expressions used in the text

  War nicht schlecht: it wasn’t bad

  Mistkerl: bastard (swearword)

  Alles okay? : everything okay?

  Ach Du Scheisse: damn

  Tut mir leid: I’m sorry

  Ich wusste es nicht: I didn’t know

  Alles gut?: everything okay?

  Was machen wir hier? : what are we doing here?

  Geduld: patience