Uncovering Desire

by Kacey Shea

  “I want this Kate. Us. Do you want it too?” he murmurs across my skin as he kisses his way to my neck.

  “So, are we exclusive, then?” His movements halt and he pulls away to meet my gaze. His eyes dance playfully, one brow raised.

  “If I say yes will you finally let me sink deep inside that pussy of yours?” My mouth drops open and I take a step back.

  “Did you really just say that?” He laughs a deep husky chuckle and pulls me back into an embrace.

  “What, chick? What’s the big deal?” I push at his chest and glare.

  “You can’t say that kind of stuff. You’re supposed to act like a nice guy!”

  “Babe, why are you freaking out?” He releases me and studies my reaction. I forget that Trent’s not used to rejection. I imagine this clueless act is authentic.

  “Because you’re being an ass!” He shakes he head and pushes his hair from where it falls forward.

  “Look, Kate. I’ve been straight with you this whole time. I’m not promising you sunshine and rainbows. I’m not gonna lie and say I won’t fuck other girls when I’m on the road. But right now I only want to be with you.” His eyes are pleading and his words are sincere. Oh, to be a rock star.

  “That’s so messed up.” I roll my eyes. He only shrugs.

  “What? At least I’m honest.”

  “You’re right. And I appreciate that. It’s just not enough. I want more.” I want Jon. That voice inside sure is one pushy broad tonight. I sigh in defeat.

  “You sure? What we have is pretty fucking hot.”

  “Yeah. If I’m being honest, I need more. More than what we have going.” He nods. A disappointed frown replaces his usual charming smile.

  “I can’t promise you more right now.”

  I nod. “Then I guess that’s it for us.”

  “I guess so.” He turns, takes a few strides to reach the door. Hand on the knob, he flashes a grin over his shoulder. “One last blow job before I go?”

  “No!” I shout. I wish I had something in my hand to hurl his way. He chuckles and opens the door.

  “Chill, babe. You can’t blame a guy for trying. You’re a cool chick, Kate Bryant. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” He closes the door behind him. I move to twist the lock.

  Me, too.

  “HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU feel? Sharing that piece of your life story.” Dr. Mayer lifts an eyebrow from her easy chair opposite me.

  “It was more cathartic than I would’ve thought. I felt relief. That someone else could finally see my pain. Well, besides you or Dr. Carpio. But then he made me angry. That he could be working for my mom, investigating my dad. It watered down the empathy he’d shown. I felt betrayed.”

  “And that was one week ago?” I nod and Dr. Mayer continues. “Now how do you feel?”

  “I think I was rash in my anger, about him working for my mom. He’s a professional and this is his career. We aren’t a couple. He doesn’t owe me explanations or need to run clients through me for approval. I shouldn’t have been so defensive. I let my past dictate my initial reaction. Took my baggage and piled it on his shoulders, and that wasn’t fair.”

  “I think it’s wonderful you are able to recognize and acknowledge that, and it’s understandable, Kate. You cannot expect perfectionism, only progress. Did you use your strategies for dealing with those feelings?” Moving one painted nail, I trace patterns over the wood grain of the chair arm. I shrug and release a frustrated breath.

  “Yes. No? I went on a date with someone else.” Dr. Mayer nods, her expression free of judgment or surprise. This is why I love my sessions with her. She listens and helps find the answers I seek. The ones she insists I already know, but just need assistance unearthing.

  “It was last Friday. The night after laying everything out with Jon. It’s wasn’t some random hookup. It was a guy I’d been talking to for weeks. Trent. And I didn’t use sex to run from my truth. I wanted to, though. I tried to. But I couldn’t.”

  “Hmm…” Dr. Mayer studies me from behind her thick framed glasses. “That’s progress. Can you tell me why? Why didn’t you use sex with this Trent? It would have been easy to, yes?”

  “It felt wrong. I kept thinking about Jon. And then when I wasn’t it was like there was this voice inside telling me I wanted more than a quick roll between the sheets.” She nods.

  “And so you went home alone?”

  “Well, he was already in my apartment…” She grins. A nervous laugh escapes my lips. “And I asked him to leave. After I kissed him. But nothing else.” Dr. Mayer laughs.

  “That’s fine, Kate. What did you do after that? I can’t imagine that was easy. Those are some major behavior patterns to break, and that can be unsettling, bring out other emotions, feelings.”

  “I rolled out my mat, yoga therapy. But you’re right. I was restless. It didn’t give me the same comfort it usually does. I kept wishing I could feel the way I did before.”

  “Before the miscarriage?”

  “No. Actually that wasn’t even a thought. Before I moved in with Jon. A month ago I would sit in my apartment, alone with my practice, after a good day at work or one of my photo shoots and I was content. It was enough. Why isn’t it enough anymore?”

  “That’s an excellent question. I’m sure you’ve given it some thought.” I laugh.

  “Dr. Mayer, this is the part where I’d just like to cut to the chase and have you tell me what’s wrong and how to fix my broken life!” She chuckles, an ongoing joke between us. If only life were so simple.

  “Doesn’t work that that way, Kate.”

  “I know. Wish it did, though. You’d make a killing. I’ve thought about it, but I don’t like my deduction.”

  “Why don’t you share and we’ll figure it out together.”

  “Jon changed things. I used to be enough. Now I wonder about him, how’s he doing? Is he dealing okay? Does he think about me? I miss his kisses, his touch, his deep laughter, our banter, the way he makes me feel safe, protected, cherished. I hate it.”

  Dr. Mayer smiles. “Why do you hate that?”

  “Because! I’m Kate Bryant. I fought to become the woman I am today. I don’t need a man to make me feel these things. I should be enough. I shouldn’t rely on someone else. He’ll just let me down in the long run.”

  “Good. You’ve addressed some great points. I think it’s possible the feelings you’re experiencing are because you’ve let your guard down, so to speak, and are vulnerable with this man. That’s not a bad thing, Kate. It’s something a person has to earn from you, but also a key component of a healthy relationship. Though they are sure to bring up your past insecurities, which I believe is already happening.

  “And you are enough, with or without him. You know this in your soul. These feelings of restlessness or confusion more likely stem from the fact you have been disappointed by those you loved and trusted in the past. So, the question is, what are you going to do about it?”

  “I don’t know. I suggested he see a counselor. I think I told you the last time we met that a buddy of his from the service committed suicide. He needs to deal with that. I bring enough shit to the table. As much as I care about him, I know better than anyone that I can’t fix this for him. I’ll be there and support him, but I’m not a professional.”

  “That’s very wise, Kate. It’s not a good idea to enter a relationship that is set up for co-dependency. You’re doing all the right things here. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you, but unfortunately that’s not how things work. Be patient. Trust the process. Trust yourself.”

  I nod. I feel empowered. A little of the burden I’ve carried all week is off my shoulders. She’s right. I’ve got this. And it will work out, one way or another, I just have to trust my inner voice. She’s never let me down so far.

  “Same time next week?”

  “Yes. Thank you again for working me back into your schedule, Dr. Mayer. And I’m sorry for calling you on a weekend. I felt so panicked after slee
ping with Jon the night of the gala. Thank you for taking me last minute.” She looks up from her appointment book with a smile.

  “Of course. That’s what my emergency line is for. And I’m proud of you, Kate. You are digging into the hard stuff much easier this time. It’s fine that you took time away from our sessions. I’m sure you will again. It’s healthy to recognize when you need a little help. It’s okay to rely on others. I know that’s difficult, given your past. But you won’t always be disappointed.”

  I catch the light rail train from Dr. Mayer’s office to Melissa and Drew’s place. I could have driven, but I plan to drink. It’s been longer than usual between our girls’ nights. Melissa volunteered to host and I can’t wait to catch up. A night with Evie and Melissa is just what I need.

  “Where’re my bitches at?” I call out as I let myself in through the unlocked kitchen door and unload the two bottles of vino I’ve stashed in my giant bag. Drew walks in with Claire on his hip.

  “You’re going to need to clean up that potty mouth or we won’t invite you over anymore.” I smile. He reaches over to side hug me and kiss the top of my head. “Damn, Poppins. You got any Guinness in that magic bag?”

  “No. I’m not Superwoman. Gimme gimme.” I reach out and pull Claire from his arms. She giggles when I tickle her belly and kiss her chunky, sweet face. I pull her in close and inhale the smell that only babies seem to possess. Baby therapy. The feeling settles and a genuine smile fills my face.

  “You’ve done good with this one.” I meet Drew’s adoring gaze over Claire’s soft curls. He’s such a good daddy, and husband, too. He and Melissa have been together since college. I admire their relationship, and the effort they both put into it.

  “Yeah, well, some say my sperm is magical.”

  “Some?” Melissa comes into the kitchen raising her brows.

  “One. One person says that.” He coughs. Melissa’s brows rise further into her hairline. “I’m counting myself. Damn it, woman, at least pretend I’m cool in front of your friends!” A giant grin fills her face and she walks over to Drew. He pulls her to his side and kisses her softly.

  “My man.” She breathes and their affection is so honest and pure that I have to look away. The moment intimate and private, though only a chaste kiss. “Now take our daughter and get out of here!” She playfully slaps his belly and he grins.

  “Sorry, Kate. You heard the woman. Hand her over.”

  “But I don’t want to.” I pout and snuggle the baby close.

  “You know we appreciate free babysitting anytime.” Melissa grins.

  “Schedule me for a night next week. I mean it. She’s getting too big, too fast already. I don’t want to miss this.” I kiss her head once more and begrudgingly hand her over to Drew. He grabs the diaper bag and heads out the back door.

  “Make sure my wife is drunk and horny when I return!” he calls out.

  “You got it, big guy!” I laugh. Never a problem. Stay at home mom with baby, no convincing necessary with a bottle of wine. And I’d bet the time away from mommy mode is what gets her in the mood. She’s already assessing my wine choices as I grab glasses from the cabinet.

  “How was California?”

  “Oh, it was a blast. We spent every evening on the little patio with a glass of wine and baby monitor in hand.” She laughs, opens the Shiraz and fills the two glasses I hold. “How things have changed. Never in a million years would I think that’d be a dream vacation but it was just what we needed. Days at the beach with Claire. Nights on the deck with my Drew. Nothing better. I’m sorry we missed your show, though. I want to hear all about it!”

  “It was good. A little overwhelming and over in a blur. But good.”

  “You said good twice.” She narrows her eyes.

  “So?” I twist the glass stem between my fingers.

  “Cut the crap, Kate. You forget I’ve known you half your life. Sit.” She pulls a chair from the kitchen table. I take the one beside hers. “Okay. Dish. Fill me in.”

  “Will you put it in the vault?” Now it’s my turn to narrow my gaze. She places her right hand over her heart.

  “Get me a Bible. I’ll swear on it now.” Good enough. I take a big gulp from my glass.

  “Jon and I slept together.” I blurt.

  “The night of the gala?” She gasps, eyes wide.

  “Yes.” I nod, tip my glass and finish the contents. Melissa scrambles from the table, brings the bottle back to fill both our glasses. “And once before. A few weeks ago.”

  “Kate Bryant, you little slut! Tell me he’s good in bed. I’m sure he is, but blink if he’s great.” I tilt my head and allow a smile to pull at my lips. “Ha! You blinked. I knew it! So, what does this mean? Are you guys just fucking or is this the start of something beautiful?” Her eyes dance and she waggles her brows.

  “Yes. No. I’m still trying to figure that part out.” I sigh. “He really is talented in bed and out of it, too.” I grin and Melissa guffaws, clapping her hands wildly. She sobers, and drops her glass to the table. Wine sloshes and splashes over the rim.

  “Wait. Didn’t he take Carly to the gala? And you went with rocker dude?”

  “Yeah, well my rock star bailed mid gala. Then Jon and Carly insisted I ride home with them.” I roll my eyes.

  “So, you what? Dropped Carly off and then got busy with Jon? Does she know you poached her date?”

  “Kinda. No. It wasn’t like that. They went as friends sort of. I don’t know. Why are you asking that?”

  “It just might be awkward…”

  “We’re here!” The kitchen door swings open and Evie and Carly waltz through with takeout. Wait, Carly’s here?

  I glare at Melissa, my back to the new arrivals as I attempt to relay telepathically: What the fuck? Why is she here? Why didn’t you warn me?

  Melissa meets my stare and I can only imagine she’s trying to relay a message back, though I can’t read her mind.

  “Hey, I’m so glad you made it!” She pops up from the table and hugs her sister. “I’m glad you could join us tonight, Carly.” I turn and stand from my chair. Evie pulls Chinese food containers from a bag and arranges them on the table. Melissa pulls out a pile of plates and utensils.

  “Thanks for having me. I don’t get out much and it’s nice to be included in your girls’ night.” Carly smiles, her hands rubbing together. She catches my gaze. “Hi, Kate.”

  “Hey, Carly.”

  “Nothing formal here. Make a plate and have a seat. I’ll grab a few more glasses. Wine okay with you, Carly?” Melissa pulls out a few more glasses and I sit back in my chair. Evie joins me, a giant grin on her face.

  “I’ll just have water for now.” Carly answers. Evie waves her over and pats the open chair to her right. Melissa comes back with two glasses.

  “You better be drinking.” I glare at my bestie and her grin grows wider. She’s freaking me out with all the smiles.

  “Of course I am. So… sorry we were a little late. I was a little busy.” She reaches out to open a container with one hand. Strange. A glint at her finger catches my full attention. I scream. And point at the giant rock on her hand.

  “Oh my god! You’re not pregnant are you?” Melissa accuses, eyes wild, mouth falling open. Carly’s quiet and grinning. Evie’s tearing up, her smile faltering.

  “No! Why would you say that, Mel?”

  “Well, that is an engagement ring, is it not?”

  “Yes. But I’m not pregnant! Tate asked me to marry him.” The shock has worn off and I jump up from my chair. I pull Evie into an embrace.

  “But it’s so soon,” I hear Melissa murmur.

  “So fucking happy for you right now,” I whisper in her ear. “It’s what you wanted.” I pull back, happy to see her wide smile is back in place. “I better be your maid of honor.” I smirk, and catch Melissa’s expression before I add, “None of this sister crap taking precedence.”

  “Of course you are.” Evie laughs. “Sorry, Mel, you had to know th
at was coming.” Melissa waves a hand at us both.

  “You two weirdos can have each other. I’ll just be here with my wine trying to figure out when my little sister went and grew up.” Making her point, Melissa fills her glass.

  “I can’t believe you’re engaged!” I scream, holding Evie’s hand to jump up and down. She joins in with squeals of her own. “Okay. Let’s eat before this food gets cold—and your sister gets drunk—I want to hear all about how he asked you.”

  The table becomes a flurry of activity as each woman fills her plate with beef, chicken, rice and noodles. Melissa joins in, the shock, I think, beginning to wear off.

  “It was a total surprise! And of course he had Carly and the boys in on it.” Evie smiles and swallows a bite of her food.

  Carly winks. “Oh yes, they felt very important. They’re so excited to have an aunt.”

  “Bold move, getting the kids in on it.” Evie shoots her sister a strange look. “If you hadn’t said yes, he would have some explaining to do.” Melissa adds.

  “So, we had already planned to spend the day together. He didn’t work, and I told Jon I needed Friday off. We started off the morning with breakfast burritos at Fernando’s…”

  “No date complete without food for you two,” I tease, and Evie laughs.

  “True. Then we volunteered at Happy Helping Hands. Of course, afterward I was starving and he promised he had a special lunch planned at the house.” Evie pauses to shovel in a few bites and Carly takes over the story.

  “The boys had arranged the living room to look like a little café. Even closed the curtains and lit candles for the table. They each dressed up in button down shirts and bow ties. They thought they were hot stuff.”

  “It was beautiful. Soft music playing. Flowers on the table and the best servers in town,” Evie gushes. Her eyes study her left hand. “We ate our lunch and Tate asked if I wanted dessert. Honestly, I was taken aback, you know. We’ve been together for five months and hello! I always want dessert.”