Hard Glass

by Lina Langley

  “I’m sorry, I—”

  “Don’t I deserve to know the truth?” I heard myself say as I picked up my head. “Because it feels like that’s the least you could do for me.”

  “I wish I could tell you.”

  “You should tell me,” I said. “Look, I’m done being patient. If you can tell me, that’s great. If you can’t tell me, I guess I’ll live with that, but I can’t keep spending all my time around you, waiting for something to change.”

  “I’m sorry, that’s not what I wanted.”

  I looked up at him, tears welling up my eyes. “Then you need to tell me. Because I can’t live like this, Mason. I just can’t.”

  I watched him take a deep breath. My gaze fell down his arm, and I noticed that he was trembling. It was slight, and it was controlled, but it was there.

  “Fine,” he said. “You’re right. You deserve to know.”

  Then he went over to the door and shut it, then he turned to look at me. I began to stand up to walk over to where he was, but he shook his head. “Sit down, Jules,” he said. “We need to talk.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  MASON

  I looked between Jules and the door. I knew that I was going to chicken out if I took too long. I might have even been in danger of fainting. I didn’t want to be too close to him, partly because I was afraid he would reach out and punch me right on the face.

  That wouldn’t surprise me at all. I would have probably punched me if I was in his place. I would have done more than punch me.

  I took a seat on the white lounge chair in the corner of the room and leaned forward, putting my hands on my knees. I tried to look at him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  I tried to steady myself. “Jules.”

  I could hear the quilt rustling under him as he repositioned himself. I could see his feet shifting slightly as he leaned closer, but I couldn’t bring myself to look up.

  “What? Tell me,” he said.

  I took another deep breath, tightly closing my eyes. “I’m scared,” I said, more to myself than to him.

  He went quiet for a second. There was another pause before he spoke, but when did, his voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. “Hey,” he said. “I’m here. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

  I hated him a little right then. Of course he had to be perfectly understanding and sweet about it. It would have made it so much easier for me if he was angry, because then I might’ve felt like it was okay to lose him. But even now, even when he was angry, he was still more worried about me than anything else. I shook my head. “Honestly, Jules, you have no idea.”

  “So why don’t you tell me?”

  “I will. Just give me a second here,” I said. I managed to pick up my neck so I could look at him. The least I could do was look into his eyes when I told him the truth. “Okay, so please don’t get mad at me for this, but I think that we might be related.”

  He blinked. He didn’t react at all, other than that, he just sort of waited for me to say something.

  “Related?”

  “Yeah, like closely related,” I said, biting my lower lip. “Like… not cousins, you know?”

  “Not cousins,” he echoed again.

  “I can’t be sure. There’s no way for me to be sure other than a DNA test, but you should know about it,” I said. “That’s the reason I even decided to join the school. It wasn’t about college, and never was. I knew I probably didn’t have a chance.”

  “Wait,” he said. He was pleading with me with his eyes. I couldn’t stop. I had already started and I needed to get it all out, I needed to tell him everything, because I felt it building up inside me like bile. I was sure I was going to be sick again. I was sure I was going to vomit on the nice carpet of his guest bedroom.

  “I can’t,” I said. “I can’t wait because I’ve kept it hidden from you and that wasn’t fair. I think we might twins and--”

  “You think we’re twins?” he said, his eyes wide.

  “Yeah,” I replied, looking away from him. “I’m like, ninety-percent sure.”

  “So you always knew?”

  I nodded, this time averting my gaze from his face. “Yeah, and I thought I would get into school just so I could tell you everything. Because it felt like your life was the life that was taken away from me, and I was angry.”

  “You were angry,” he echoed, no emotion in his voice.

  “Yes,” I said. “I was angry and so ready to hate you.”

  “But you didn’t,” he said.

  “No,” I said. “I don’t hate you, not at all. I mean, I’m a little jealous of you, but not—not in the same way.”

  He threw his head back. He was gripping the quilt under him, his fingers turning white. “Jesus Christ,” he said.

  “Jules, I’m—”

  “Don’t,” he said. He stood up, looked down at me, then walked toward the door and looked at me over his shoulder. “What the fuck, Mason?”

  “Jules—”

  I couldn’t say anything else, because by the time I had finally managed to form a coherent thought, all I could hear was the deafening sound of the door being slammed in front of me.

  ***

  After what felt like a very long time, I managed to stand up. My legs felt unsteady. I hardly felt like I could look in front of me, mostly because of the tears welling up in my eyes. I had tried my best to compose myself, to make it seem like this wasn’t a big deal. After all, it was going to come out eventually. It was better that he knew, and it was better that he had heard it from me. I didn’t know what his bitch mother was going to say to him. I just knew I couldn’t take the risk of her intercepting me.

  It had been obvious to me that we were related, we were clearly identical twins. He didn’t see it, and after a while, I stopped seeing it too. It was easy to just focus on the things I loved about him, and there were so many of them. I loved the way his eyes glimmered whenever he looked at me, shining little specs of gold and gray. I loved the little dimple on his right cheek, the scar cutting across his left eyebrow. I could’ve stared at him for hours, but I wasn’t going to be able to do that anymore. Maybe never. I supposed I should’ve come to terms with that. It was obvious he wouldn’t want me once he found out who I really was. I shouldn’t have cared, I should’ve been angry, but I wasn’t. Every time I was around him, everything felt like it was complete. For the first time in my life, I felt like everything was right and I was happy.

  I was content.

  But that wasn’t going to last. I knew it wasn’t going to last, and yet, he was all I wanted. Just to be around him, pretend that everything was fine, make it seem that everything was okay.

  That our bodies could touch, ever-so-slightly, and that our hands would almost find each other’s. I knew it was only in my imagination, but I was sure we were getting closer.

  I was sure that, whatever we had, it felt almost like love.

  But there was no love, because we didn’t know the truth. And it wasn’t until he knew the truth that he could make a choice about me.

  The choice had been made and it had stomped my heart into nothingness. There was nothing I could do, either. I’d only told him after we had kissed, so I had even taken that away from him.

  I caught my profile in the mirror and my jaw hardened as I saw myself. I couldn’t exactly punch someone else’s mirror, so I decided I would take a walk instead.

  I stuck my hands into my pockets and grabbed the handle of the door. I peeked my head out to see if there was anyone else around me, but I couldn’t see any silhouettes. I couldn’t see anything, so I took a step out and went straight toward one of the sliding doors. It felt like the entirety of the walls were covered in them, so it didn’t take me very long to maneuver my way out toward the grounds. I began to pace aimlessly, the only thing I could hear the grass crunching underfoot and my heartbeat in my ears.

  It wasn’t until I was near the lake that I even contemplated jumping into it. It wouldn’t have
killed me—it was just gross. But I needed something. I needed the shock, I needed to feel like I was still in my body.

  But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even bring myself to throw my own body into the lake.

  It sucked. I watched it as I heard the frogs around me and wondered how often Jules came out here. I didn’t want him to find me, but I wondered what would happen if he did.

  When I heard footsteps, I turned around, half-expecting to see him. But that wasn’t him, I could tell by his gait that it was Brandon, and he was coming toward me quickly.

  I stopped moving. There was a moment when I even contemplated running, but I was glued into place.

  “Hey,” Brandon called out. “You okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said, wondering how convincing I sounded.

  “Yeah, okay,” he replied, clearly not believing me. “What happened?”

  I swallowed. “I don’t—I think I need to go home,” I said.

  “Stop dodging the question, Mason. What happened?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Jules came out of the house after he said he was going to look for you, and he looked like he had been crying. Did you guys get in a fight or something?”

  “Or something,” I replied through gritted teeth.

  “Are you going to tell me what happened?”

  I shook my head, looking down at my feet. It had gotten dark since we had gotten to Jules’ house and I could barely see the outline of my shoes. “I can’t. I wish I could but…”

  “You don’t have to tell me exactly what happened. Just some general information would be nice.”

  “I told him.”

  He waited for a second. “You told him what?”

  “The thing I’ve been keeping from him,” I said. “The thing that makes it so we can never be together.”

  He took a step towards me, leaves crunching under him. “He didn’t take it well, did he?”

  “No, and there was no reason for him to,” I said. “Trust me, he’s upset and his reaction is completely appropriate.”

  His hand was on my shoulder, squeezing lightly. “He wouldn’t tell us. If you’re worried about your secret coming out, it’s safe with me.”

  I scoffed. “No, it’s not about that.”

  “But I’m here if you need to talk.”

  “I know that.” I did, of course, know that. I also knew that I could never tell them the truth, that I could never tell anyone but Jules the truth. That had already almost cost me everything. The only thing I had left were Hashim and Brandon’s friendship, and they felt fragile, and like they were going to get taken from me in a split second. They could have been, because of my own behavior. That scared the shit out of me.

  “But you’re not going to, are you?”

  I shook my head. “Now. I won’t.”

  “You know, my nanny always said that if two people really love each other, nothing can get between them.”

  I heard myself laughed, which surprised me. “Your nanny always said that?”

  “Well, yeah, you didn’t think my parents talked to me, did you?” he asked. He was snickering.

  I snickered along with him. “Actually, I’ve never met my own parents, so I have no experience there,” I said. I had intended it as a joke, but I found myself surprised to catch myself in a lie. I had met my parents. Well, technically, I’d only made met my mother, and she was a colossal bitch. Maybe it was better to pretend I had never met her.

  I had hardly had time to process my feelings about her when I had to tell Jules the truth.

  “Shit, man,” Brandon said. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Seriously, don’t. It’s not at all a big deal.”

  “What about what’s on with Jules?”

  I couldn’t ignore the lump in my throat then. “I think we’re done, Brandon,” I said. “For good.”

  Brandon moved so he was standing right in front of me, a hand on each one of my shoulders. I couldn’t seem that well because it was so dark, but even with his expression shrouded by darkness, I could tell that he was worried about me. “How can you be sure of that?”

  “I’m not,” I said. “But it is what it is and I think I need to learn to live with it.”

  “Fuck, man,” he said quietly. “That’s rough.”

  Then he closed the space between us, enveloping me in a hug. I buried my head in his shoulder, closing my eyes tight, and that was when I finally began to cry.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  JULES

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Even as I stormed out of the room, I could feel his voice ringing in my ears. His skin felt like it was still on me, his warmth still on my lips. I could still feel the tingle of electricity from his touch all over my body. But after he had spoken to me, I felt it mixed with something like nausea, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go back, grab him by the wrists and pin him down on the bed so I could wear my lips away on his, or if I wanted to beat the shit out of him.

  It felt like a weird combination of both. I didn’t want to run into my friends, but they were expecting me, and I couldn’t just leave them. They were my guests after all. Then again, so was Mason, and he had just dropped a bomb on me. I wanted to talk to my mom about it, but I didn’t know how to even start. We had never really talked, and it felt really weird to start with this. Maybe, one day, we could start with the weather. Then we could move on to more serious subjects, like death, the nature of human beings, and the fact that I seemed to have an identical twin brother she had simply forgotten to tell me about.

  I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be looking for, but I was looking for something. It wasn't until I met my friends in the back of the house, by the pool, and they rushed over to me, that I realized I had been crying.

  They asked me if everything was okay, and when I managed to stammer out an answer, I wasn’t sure what I was saying. All I knew was that Brandon left at some point and I was left with just Hashim, who didn’t seem like he was going to ask me any questions.

  “Mason?” he asked.

  I looked at him. Maybe he was going to ask me a bunch of questions. “Yeah. Mason.”

  “What happened?”

  “I can’t tell you. I can’t,” I said, shaking my head.

  Hashim draped his hand around my shoulder. “Hey, bud,” he said. “Let’s go sit down.”

  We sat next to the pool. Hashim kicked off his shoes and I did the same, finally dipping my toes into the water. It was cold. I looked up at Hashim. He was staring at me, a look of concern on his face. “Hey,” he said. “You can talk to me.”

  “I know, I know. I just don’t know if I can talk to you about this.”

  “Why?”

  “Because. It’s sort of hard to talk about it first place.”

  He looked at me. “You don’t have to tell me everything,” he said. “Just tell me what hurts. Maybe I can make it better.

  “No, I don’t think there’s anybody who can make this better.”

  He looked me up and down, then edged his body slightly closer to mine. “Why not?”

  “It’s really fucked up, Hashim. Like, really fucked up,” I said. “And I can’t tell you because he didn’t give me permission to tell you, and it’s something that concerns him.”

  He nodded his assent. “Right,” he said. “Well, you want me to go kick his ass?”

  I laughed a little. That helped, at least. “No, that won’t be necessary,” I said. “I think I won’t be seeing him again for a while.”

  Hashim cocked his head, so I waved my hand in front of my face.

  “Don’t worry. You guys can still be friends and I won’t get in the way of that,” I said. “I just don’t know how… I have no idea if I could even be his friend right now.”

  “You can’t tell me why.”

  I looked at him. “Right. I can’t. Just believe me when I tell you it’s big.”

  “Fuck,” Hashim said. “Okay, I guess.”<
br />
  I sighed, then rubbed the bridge of my nose with my fingers. “The thing is, I would feel really bad if you stop talking to him because of me,” I told him, my voice shaking. I could only imagine what his life had been like, what had driven him to find me. Everything I imagined was absolutely terrible and I knew, deep in my heart, that he had deserved better. “He hasn’t done anything to you guys.”

  “Well, what has he done to you?”

  I glared at him.

  Hashim rolled his eyes. “Okay, okay,” he said. “I get it. You can’t tell me.”

  “Can I ask you something, though?”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  I took a deep breath. “Do we really look that similar to each other?”

  He chuckled at that, throwing his head back. “Yeah, man,” he said. “You guys are basically twinsies.”

  I elbowed him on the side softly, chuckling and sniffling at the same time.

  “No, but seriously,” he said. “You do look super similar to each other. It’s kind of weird. It’s like you’re the hot preppy twin who cries about his relationship to his dad and he is the one who goes to prison but also has a bunch of hot chicks he’s banging.”

  I laughed that time, pretty unabashedly. “Have I ever told you you’re an asshole?”

  “No,” he said. “Not in the last hour or so. You know I need my reminder.”

  “There is your reminder,” I said. “Seriously, though, thank you for listening. My head is swimming right now and I just… I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  “Well,” he said, looking up at the clear night sky. “You know the easiest way to forget about someone, right?”

  “No?”

  “Sleep with them,” he replied, smirking. “Get it out of your system. I mean, at this point, what do you have to lose?”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  MASON

  After I had smoked a joint with Brandon, I began to feel a little more steady. Of course, everything was still fucked up beyond belief, but at least now it was out of the way with.