by J. L. Beck
I pull away, but dip two of my fingers deep inside her, stretching her, insuring she’s perfectly wet and ready for me before looking up at her, “I want to fuck you so hard you’ll feel me for days. I want it to hurt so badly you beg me to stop.” I pump those two digits in and out of her, her cries of pleasure meeting my ears.
“But I can’t. I can’t hurt you. You’re more than that to me.” My confession seals my fate. I can’t fuck her like I did the others in my past. She’s different. She’s my everything, and I have to claim her with care, with love.
Withdrawing my fingers, I grip her by the ankle and pull her to the edge of the bed, aligning my cock with her pussy. With my blue eyes piercing her green, I slide into her without any warning. The air escapes her lungs in a rush while pleasure zings to the tips of my toes.
Every thrust brings us closer together, her pants and my moans mingling together, creating their own melody. When we’re like this, we’re one.
Her pussy constricts around me, and I roar, hot spurts of come hitting the back of her channel. I collapse against her sweaty chest, pressing my lips against her racing pulse, the words slipping from my lips before I can stop them.
“I love you.” They’re soft, fragile words, and there’s nothing I can do to stop myself from feeling the things I do for her. As she drifts off to sleep in my arms, I hold her close knowing every day that passes by I get closer to being forced to let her go.
Because truthfully…
Fallon isn’t mine.
And that’s what hurts.
I love you. Those three words play through my mind on repeat. Maybe he didn’t think I heard him say them because I didn’t respond, I don’t know. But something inside me broke that night. He made love to me with passion, each stroke drawn out, leaving me panting and writhing with need. He opened up something inside me, something that only he could close.
It’s been three weeks now, and the days seem to blend into each other and as I stare at the pregnancy test at the grocery store, I wonder how much the results from this test will change things.
Once upon a time I was afraid of not being able to supply Reed with the one thing he needed most. Now I’m afraid of giving him this baby because that means our deal is done.
But he loves you… A voice nags in the back of my mind. He does love me, he’s always loved me, but he’s unable to face his fear of falling. It’s about saving our friendship even though it’s beyond saving. He was afraid to lose me, but I was even more afraid of losing what we had. We are long past being friends, floundering in uncharted territory.
I continue staring at the line of pregnancy tests, each one promising a different, or better result. I am afraid, so fucking afraid.
My phone chimes in my hand and I automatically look down at it. Reed’s name scrolls across the screen. His text is simple and to the point.
Reed: We need to talk.
My brow furrows in confusion at his words, and I slip my cell back in my pocket, focusing all my attention on the task at hand. I wish more than ever my mother was still here. She’d be so much help with deciphering Reed’s emotions and picking out a stupid pregnancy test. I don’t have many female friends I can ask, because they’ll all say I’m stupid for even doing this with him. Growing up I was always afraid he’d fall for a girl I was friends with, so I tried not to bring many people around. I can’t even ask Mel, because she’s more clueless than I am. Her focus is on preventing pregnancy, not what happens when you don’t.
Indecision weighs heavily on my mind, and I pluck the test closest to me off the shelf. The package reads Clear Blue, and apparently gives clear results within minutes, so I shove it in my basket and finish up my grocery shopping. I’m almost to the checkout lanes when a voice I know, one I hate that causes dread to fill my belly, calls my name.
“Fallon, is that you?” I clench my teeth, then turn around give Andi, one of Reed’s many exes, and the worst gossiper at work, the best smile I can.
“Oh, hi. I didn’t see you back there.” I lie, my cheeks heating as Andi and one of her friends from the office, Trisha or maybe it’s Tammy, I can’t remember her name, stare at me.
Andi’s dark eyes move over me like a snake, seeking out the perfect weak spot to strike. The moment she sees the test in my basket I know she found something to sink her teeth into. My heart begins to pound harder as I tried to figure out how to explain what I’m doing with the test without letting on what Reed and I have been doing.
If she finds out, the entire building will know in seconds. All it will take is a post on one of the work forums for everyone to know, and I can’t let that happen. I lick my lips nervously when the look on her face turns calculating and wait for her to make a move. I don’t have to wait long before she starts in on me.
“Are you pregnant?” Her eyes twinkle with amusement and her voice is catty. She’s hoping for some juicy information so she can destroy my reputation at work, that much I’m sure of.
I don’t know how I should answer. If I deny it, she’ll just try harder to find out what I’m hiding, and if I tell the truth she’ll want to know who the daddy is, and she’ll assume it’s Reed or one of his brothers. The basket grows heavy in my arms, and I decide then that I’ll have to lie.
“Oh this?” I gesture towards the test, “God no. I’m picking it up for my friend. She had a scare, so I’m just trying to be a good friend and helping her out,” I lie through my teeth, hating the way her eyes on me make me feel.
Like I’m not good enough. Like I’m the dirt beneath her feet.
“Really? I thought I heard something about Reed needing a baby to keep the company…” I shove a few stray strands of hair behind my ear and shake my head, acting as if I haven’t the first clue what she’s talking about.
Standing here in the crowded supermarket discussing aspects of my personal life and lying about the other parts of it is making me nauseous.
“Rumors,” I tell her with a shrug. “That’s all they are. God knows you can’t believe everything you hear inside the walls of that place.” I force myself to laugh, feeling stupid for making such a lame statement.
Andi and her friend look at each other. I can tell they don’t believe a word I’m saying, but I’m too embarrassed and freaked out over the possibilities of what the test in this box is going to tell me I can’t come up with anything more convincing to say.
“Right. Rumors. They’re everywhere. I was worried there for a second that you might’ve actually thought you had a chance with Reed.” Her laughter fills my ears and my cheeks turn a darker shade of pink. It’s like high school all over again. Never being the one he wanted, but always being the one the girls hated for being so close to him.
I grit my teeth, hiding the pain beneath a thick layer of anger, “I would never think such a thing, Andi. Reed and I are merely friends, nothing more.” The lie hurts as much as if I stabbed myself in the heart.
Andi must take whatever I’ve said as good enough because she and her friend turn away from me, their attention turning to something else, like I was never here at all. I sigh inwardly, nearly sagging with relief against one of the magazine racks. Now I just need to hope she doesn’t run her mouth at work.
My hands are clammy, blood roaring in my ears as I wait, watching as they move through the line. I take a spot in the back and feel so much better when they leave the store. Andi sends me one last glare before stepping through the automatic doors.
I check out in a hurry and head back to my house where the scent of Reed and the memories of what we’ve done over the past few weeks invade my mind. Andi’s presence and shitty words at the store linger with me as well, and I know deep down in the pit of my stomach that she’s jealous, angry that Reed’s attention is no longer on her.
Smiling, I unpack every single item, putting them all away, minus the pregnancy test. That needs to remain out. I’m going to go to Reed’s tonight and try to figure out what’s going on with him.
The choice I have to make if the test i
s negative terrifies me.
I want to be the one to give Reed what he wants, but not at the expense of my heart. I’ve fallen so hard for him, as hard as I think he was falling for me, and tonight I’ll confront him about the words he spoke to me. About him being in love with me. I’ve gone back and forth with myself over the outcome of what all this could bring.
Happiness.
Anger.
Sadness.
Loss.
I don’t want to lose Reed, but I can’t make him confess his feelings for me. I can only tell him how I feel and hope he admits to feeling the same way.
Grabbing the test off the counter, I slip it into my purse. I’m only a few days late, so it might be too early to test, but I have to do this. I have to see if we’ve already sealed our fate.
Pulling my cell out I dial Mel’s number … I need her advice. The phone rings and rings, and I tap my fingers against the marble counter impatiently.
When the call goes to voicemail I hang up, running a hand through my hair in frustration.
“Just go over there. Hold your head up high and tell him you love him,” I say as though I’m trying to give myself some sort of pep talk. A memory slams into me right then, my fingernails scraping against the marble as the memory courses through me.
“I’m alone Reed. My mother is gone. My father is gone. And here I am still alive.” The tears slip from my eyes, drowning me in misery. This is my fault. Maybe if I was with them they wouldn’t have gotten been in the accident.
“You’re not alone Fallon. We’re your family. I…” He takes my hand and places if over his heart, the steady beat of it calming my tears, and the irrational thoughts coursing through me. “I am your family Fallon, and never will I let anything happen to you. I’ll protect you no matter what. I’ll be whatever you need me to be.”
And when his strong arms wrap around me I feel like he’s trying to hold me together, trying to make me whole again.
When the memory fades away, tears stain my cheeks. Reed promised to be whatever I needed him to be, and right now I need him to be real with me. To be the man I know he was. He might be afraid of what the future holds, but so am I. I’m just more afraid of living a future without him and I need him to be afraid of that too.
Because maybe, just maybe, that will be the only way I can get him to admit this is more than just an agreement between friends. That we are both secretly in love with each other and have been for years.
All it takes is one or two lines on a test to change everything.
I just pray like hell this test will bring us closer together instead of pushing us further apart.
I stare at my phone, willing a text from Fallon to light up the screen. Why isn’t she answering any of my messages? I’ve sent three and no replies. Part of me is wondering if she’s okay, while the other, more cynical part is convinced she’s was out with someone else.
The thought is going to ruin my night if I let it, so I push it away. I need her to come over so we can discuss her moving in here for a little while. Having her here will make the whole baby-making process easier, plus I’ll be able to keep an eye on her. Even though I know it’s wrong to tell her she can’t have anyone else when she doesn’t really belong to me, having her here would make it easier to keep her all to myself.
A knock sounds at the door, startling me from my thoughts. Shoving myself up from the leather couch, I make my way over to the door, opening it without looking first.
Not looking is something I immediately regret, because as soon as the door opens, I’m greeted by the last person I want to see: Andi.
“Can I come in?” she pouts, and even though I want to say no, I’m not sure why she’s here. Something could’ve happened at work, so against my better judgment, I step aside to let her in.
Turning to face her after shutting the door, I wait for her to tell me what’s going on. When she just stares up at me, I finally ask, “What’s going on?” She’s eyeing me like I’m a piece of meat, and while at one time I might have liked that, now it makes me feel dirty.
“I just wanted to talk.” Her voice gets low and I think she’s trying to be seductive, which makes me shudder in disgust.
Regretting once again that I opened the door, I ask, though I’m not sure I want to know, “About what?”
She places a hand on my chest and leans into me. “About us.”
“There is no us, Andi.” I pull away from her and make my way over to the bar, pouring myself a glass of whiskey and trying to figure out how I’m going to handle this. When I turn around, a frown has formed on her face. Fuck, there aren’t enough drinks in the world to deal with this shitstorm tonight.
When she realizes I’m serious, she glares at me. “I saw her today, at the supermarket.” There’s a long pause, and I take a sip of the whiskey, refusing to be baited into a conversation I don’t want to have. “She had a pregnancy test in her basket and it got me thinking…”
Worry. Elation. Fear. I’m slammed with a number of emotions but I don’t show them.
“Who got you thinking what?” I pretend I have no idea who she’s talking about. My relationship with Fallon is none of her business.
Andi gives me a smug look that says she doesn’t believe me. “You know who I’m talking about. Your little assistant. Your best friend.” She hisses the last part, and it take everything in me not to roll my eyes. She isn’t the first woman to bitch about my relationship with Fallon.
“What about her? She bought a pregnancy test? So what? What she does outside of work is none of my concern.” I start to feel the weight of my lies on my chest. Everything Fallon does outside of work is my business.
Andi scoffs. “Whatever, Reed. The two of you think you’re fooling everyone, but we’re not stupid. There are plenty of rumors going around about what your dad is making you do, and I know you’re using her to do it.”
“You don’t know anything.” I try to play it off, while wondering who the hell is spreading these rumors since the only people in the room during the meetings were my brothers, my dad, our lawyer and Fallon. Since Fallon and I haven’t told anyone what we’re doing, no one else should know.
Stepping closer, she reaches out to caress my abs with her fingertips, something that would under normal circumstances make my dick hard, but I’m not feeling it at all. And not just in an I’ve been there and don’t want to go there again way, I’m just completely uninterested.
Plus, she’s not mine. And I’m not hers.
I take a step back so she’s no longer touching me, and she grins triumphantly. “That’s what I thought.”
“What?” I don’t know why I ask. Nothing this woman has to say to me is anything I want to hear. She’s only here to see what she can get out of me so she can spread more rumors at work. “Don’t pretend to know me, Andi.”
Her head tips back with her laughter. “Please. You can act like the two of you are just friends all you want, but friends aren’t as possessive as you are. Friends don’t try to shield each other from anything that could hurt them the way the two of you do.” She takes another step closer, pressing her body against mine. “I bet I could take my clothes off right now and you wouldn’t even care. And do you know why?”
I swallow hard, knowing I should just push her away and tell her to leave, but instead, I find myself asking, “Why?”
She leans closer, her lips right next to my ear. “Because, you’re in love with her.” My entire body stiffens, but I don’t agree or disagree with her. If I did love Fallon, she should be the one to hear it first, not the office mouthpiece.
Before I can do anything, a loud gasp comes from the doorway, and we both turn to see Fallon standing just inside the door. The pain on her face is obvious, and knowing I’m the reason makes my heart hurt.
Seeing her upset has me pushing Andi away before I even realize I’m doing it. She stumbles on her heels, but I don’t give a shit. The only thing I can think about is getting to Fallon. I need to explain what this
was so she doesn’t have the wrong idea.
“Fallon…” I call out to her, but it’s too late. I’m sure she’s convincing herself something is going on between Andi and me, but she’s the only person I want.
Andi’s snide laughter fills my ears. “Don’t tell me you’re actually going to chase after her. If you needed a baby that badly, you could’ve asked me.”
Rage simmers just below the surface and I’m speaking before I can stop myself. “Get out. Get the fuck out, and never show up here uninvited again.” Knowing she may have ruined any chance I have with Fallon only angers me more, and I slam the glass of whiskey down on the counter. It explodes on impact, while the contents spill out all over my hand. The glass pricks at my skin, and I welcome the pain it brings.
Andi practically runs out of my apartment, the door slamming shut behind her. She doesn’t say anything on the way out, and I’m thankful as fuck for that because I’m not sure I could restrain myself from lashing out at her. I squeeze my eyes closed and exhale, trying to calm my heated blood. I need to talk to Fallon. I need to make her understand.
I rush around the apartment, grabbing my shoes and jacket, before heading out to chase Fallon down.
Of course, her car is gone by the time I get outside. Part of me is pissed that she didn’t bother to give me the benefit of the doubt, but then again she did see me standing with another woman in my apartment. A woman she doesn’t like at all and I can admit we were standing so close it looked bad. Still, knowing she drove off upset also has me worried. She could get into an accident. I could lose her.
By the time I make it to her apartment, I’ve imagined so many awful possibilities. What if she won’t let me in? What if she does but says she hates me? So many different thoughts are racing through my mind, and when I see her car parked in her driveway, I breathe a small sigh of relief. My heart rate slows when the car door opens and her long legs slide out.
I’m at her side by the time she shuts the door, and when she turns to head into her apartment she gasps, her hand coming up to clutch her chest. She shouldn’t be shocked to see me here, and it hurts that she doesn’t trust me.