by J. L. Beck
“Jesus Christ, Reed. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?” Her voice trembles, and when her eyes meet mine I can see she’s been crying. I hate knowing she’s crying because of me.
Her mascara is smudged, and her cheeks are wet. I want to pull her into my arms and reassure her, but with the way she’s standing, I know she’s not going to let me touch her.
Instead, I give her a sad smile. “No, Fallon.”
“What are you doing here?” she asks with a resigned sigh.
I don’t know what to say, but I still try. “I came to explain—” She cuts me off, clearly not wanting to hear why I’m here after all.
“You don’t need to explain anything. You talk a big game, Reed. Telling me how I can’t be with anyone else while we’re doing this, saying you won’t be with anyone else. Then, the first time a woman offers, you take her up on it.”
The fact that she thinks I’ll stick my dick in anyone who offers makes any apology I might say evaporate. I’m pissed all over again. “You know, for someone who’s supposed to be my best friend, you sure don’t have a very good opinion of me.” She looks away from me as a flush creeps up her throat, but I grip her chin in my hand and force her to look at me. If she’s going to hurt me with words, she needs to see the pain they cause.
“I told you I wouldn’t be with anyone else and I haven’t. Andi showed up at my place, and I thought it was you at the door. If I’d known it was her, I would have told her to go away.”
Fallon scoffs, disbelievingly. “Bullshit. If that was the case, she wouldn’t have been wrapped around you when I walked in. You let her in. You let her touch you.” Her head tilts to the side like she’s trying to figure me out. She won’t. Fallon knows me better than a lot of people, but even with her there are some things I won’t tell anyone. “But, you got pissed when I let Ryan kiss me.”
Just thinking about Ryan putting his mouth on her makes me want to put my fist through the closest wall. “You’re damn right I got pissed. You let Ryan touch you; stick his fucking tongue in your mouth. I didn’t let Andi touch me. If you’d walked in two seconds earlier you would have seen me push her away.”
My vehemence must get through her anger because her stiff body loosens and the pissed off expression on her face finally softens.
I’m aching to hold her, but I still need to ask her about what Andi told me. “Can I come in?” The expression on her face says she’s about to say no, probably remembering how wild things got the last time we had a fight. The sex was amazing, but as much as I’d like a repeat, we need to clear things up. If she’s pregnant I can’t fuck her that way. “Just to talk,” I hurry to reassure her.
After considering it for a few seconds, she relents. “Okay. But, Reed?” I can tell she’s nervous about letting me in, like she knows how hard it is for me to keep my hands off of her.
I take a step closer, needing to be close to her. “Yeah?” My voice softens. My connection to her fades when she takes a step away from me.
“Just talking.” Her voice breaks, and I nod in agreement as her eyes skirt from mine and she heads up the sidewalk towards the front door.
I want to hold her, to tell her everything is going to be okay. But the truth is, I don’t know if is. I don’t know if we are.
We walk up the steps, and I shut the door behind us. Fallon’s apartment is normally warm and inviting, but today if feels cold, like I’m unwelcome. I just hope it’s not an indication of how our talk is going to go.
“What’s going on? You told me we needed to talk, so spit it out.” Aggravation laces her words, and I know she’s only using it to cover up the real way she feels.
I can’t keep the question inside any longer. “Are you pregnant?”
Fallon blinks, her anger slipping away. Her eyes dart to the trash can, prompting me to do the same, and what I see has me clenching my fists and trying to stay calm. She took the test without me? The empty box is lying on top, so she must’ve.
“What does it matter? Me being pregnant doesn’t change anything between us.” Tears form in Fallon’s eyes, and I tell myself she’s lying so I can keep hold of my anger.
I don’t want to admit she’s right, so I ignore it. Then, even though I know she’s not going to give me a straight answer, I ask her the question I already know the answer to anyway. “You took the test without me? We were supposed to do that together.” I’m not even bothering to hide the hurt in my voice. She’s killing me with her tears, and it’s tearing me up inside. It’s only fair she feels some of this, too.
She swipes away the tears her beautiful face, so fragile in that moment. “It doesn’t matter. Negative or positive, it doesn’t change anything, Reed. Even if we’re having a baby you still won’t love me the way I love you, will you? You won’t even admit this agreement has changed our relationship.”
My jaw clenches, and I know I can’t face this right now. I just can’t. Fallon wants more than I’m able to give her and it makes me feel like a failure. It’s not like I don’t want to love her, to give her all the things she wants, but I can’t. I’m a broken man, and she deserves better than that.
Panic starts to sink in. I know I’m losing her and I can’t force the words that will keep us together past the lump in my throat. “I can’t do this with you right now.” How do I explain something I don’t even understand? “I’m sorry.” I’m filled to the brim with anguish as my feet move me closer to the door and further from Fallon. A deep rift forming between us, and all because of me.
“Don’t do this,” Fallon pleads, tears streaming down her cheeks now, but I’m too far gone. I don’t want to hurt her, and maybe that’s the problem with this entire arrangement. It only leads to heartache for us both.
“I didn’t do this.” I turn on my heels and walk the rest of the way to the door, my hand gripping the heavy metal doorknob. “You did this.”
The heartbroken expression on Fallon’s face kills me, but I don’t stop, no matter how much I want to. I walk out of her house, get in my car and drive down the street, past my apartment, and not once do I slow down or turn around, because I’ve realized something.
Fallon was right, she was so fucking right.
Everything has changed.
Every. Single. Thing.
The tears won’t stop falling. I wipe them away, but more appear. Standing in the kitchen, I stare at the test in my hand through blurry eyes for what seems like an eternity. Reed’s horrible words play on repeat in my head, making my chest ache with every single beat of my heart, and I wonder how long the pain will last.
After what just happened, I’m not sure I even want to know if I’m pregnant or not. I should have just told Reed I haven’t taken the test yet, that the whole reason I went over to his apartment was so we could take it together, but he was so angry. He refuses to acknowledge how he feels about me, and I was so mad I let him think I took it alone. I wanted him to hurt as much as I do every single day knowing he either won’t admit his feelings or he’s decided he doesn’t feel the same way. I was so sure when this started that he loved me, that he just needed a push to admit it, but with every day that passes and he denies it, I start to lose hope.
I don’t want him to stick around because I’m pregnant and he feels guilty. I need him to be here with me because he feels the same way I do, because he wants us to be a family. I never should have agreed to that stupid arrangement.
I’m not sure how long I stand here staring at the pregnancy test that might change both Reed’s life and mine forever. I don’t even need to take it to know what it’s going to say. My boobs are sore, I’ve thrown up every morning for the last week, and of course, I’m late. All of that adds up to me being knocked the hell up, and by someone who doesn’t have the same feelings I do. After the way he left tonight, I don’t even know if I’ll see him again.
The knock on my door startles me, and my heart begins to race. Is it Reed? Did he come back? I go from thinking I’ll never see him again to rushing frantica
lly to open the door, convinced he’s on the other side and about to tell me I was right. He does love me...and he wants to be with me forever.
My heart drops when I realize it’s not Reed, but Ryker.
I can’t keep the disappointment out of my voice, and his eyes widen when he hears it. “What are you doing here, Ryker?”
“Can I come in?” His voice is soft and sympathetic, and I start to wonder if maybe Reed sent him here to take care of me. I step aside so he can come in but don’t verbally answer. He hesitates for a second, but finally strides past me, stopping briefly to press a kiss to my forehead. My eyes squeeze shut, tears filling them when Ryker gives me the affection I need right now, but I harden my stupid heart against it. I don’t want to need him…I don’t want to need anyone.
Shutting the door behind him, I turn to watch as he heads confidently towards the bar. I don’t realize I left the unused pregnancy test sitting on it until he starts to reach for it. My face heats with a blush when he drops his hand and turns to face me.
“Are you going to take it?” he asks gently.
I ignore the question and fold my arms over my chest in an attempt to keep him at arm’s length. “Again, what are you doing here, Ryker?”
He stares at me, his eyes seeing way too much, before he finally lets loose a heavy sigh. “I came to check on you.”
My spine goes rigid. “Did Reed,” I spit his name out like a curse, “tell you to come here?”
“No, actually. He has no idea I’m here.” Ryker speaks so nonchalantly, as though he has no idea what just took place between Reed and I.
“If Reed didn’t send you, how did you know I needed someone to check on me?”
Ryker’s silent for a minute, his eyes looking everywhere but at me, before he runs a hand through his hair and looks down at the floor. When his eyes finally come back to meet mine, he grimaces. “Okay, don’t freak out.”
“Freak out? All I’ve been doing all day is freaking out. Not doing it is impossible at this point.” Just the fact that he’d say that makes me want to kick him in the balls. Especially since Reed isn’t here for me to do it to him. Ryker knows me well enough to know what I’m thinking and holds his hands up in front of his body like he’s surrendering.
“Jeez. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said it that way.”
“You didn’t answer my question.” I stare unblinkingly at him. Maybe I’m being a bitch, but right now I can’t care less. I’ve got to protect myself, and my heart, from the inevitable.
“Christ,” he grits out between clenched teeth. “If you’d give me a goddamn minute I could tell you.” Shaking his head, he finally starts to speak again.
“I was at work, helping Dad, when Reed came storming in. He was so pissed off he couldn’t even speak. All Dad and I could do was watch him pace back and forth across the room shaking his head and muttering to himself. Dad asked him a couple times what was wrong, but he wouldn’t say.”
I love Ryker, but right now I’d like to kill him. He’s dragging this out for no reason and my foot is starting to get twitchy.
As if knowing he’s on the verge of a kick in the junk, he starts talking again, “When Dad went over to him, grabbing his arm so he’d have to stop pacing, he covered his face with his hands and actually let Dad put his arms around him. I don’t think Reed’s let anyone hug him since Mom died, other than you.”
Tears fill my eyes hearing how upset Reed is. I start to think that maybe I pushed things too hard. Maybe he wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t want Andi. My emotions are so all over the place, and it’s possible I’m not thinking rationally.
“Ryker.” I drag his name out in a whine, wanting him to hurry up.
He gives me a sheepish look before telling me the rest. “Afterwards, he let Dad lead him over to the couch in his office and they sat. The only thing I could do was stare at them. I think I was in shock a little, actually.”
I roll my eyes at his attempt to lighten the mood. That’s Ryker, always trying to make everyone else feel better.
“He told us the two of you had a fight, and when I heard that, I figured you were probably alone and hurting. I left them to talk and figured I would come check on you because if he’s that upset, I knew you must be double that.”
Knowing he came to check on me, not because Reed told him to, but because he was worried about me makes any anger I was feeling dissipate into thin air. I practically rush him in my haste to wrap my arms around him and let him comfort me, tears running unchecked down my cheeks.
This is what I needed. Someone to just hug me and let me cry.
He holds me for what seems like forever, and once my tears stop I pull away and look up at him. He cups my cheeks in his hands and uses his thumbs to wipe away the tears clinging to my skin. His eyes study mine, and when he’s sure I’m not going to start bawling again, he drops his hands and takes a step back.
Needing something to do, I ask him, “Do you want something to drink?” Instead of waiting for an answer, I walk over and open the fridge, paying way more attention to the contents than I need to. I’m a little embarrassed that he saw me this way, but also so grateful he was there for me when Reed couldn’t be. I tinker with the contents in the fridge, searching for a water bottle to give him.
“Fallon.” The serious tone in his voice makes me turn back to face him warily. He’s holding the pregnancy test by the edge with two fingers and looks a little grossed out.
“Have you taken one of these yet?”
The disgusted way he’s looking at the test is so funny, like I’ve already peed on it and it might touch him.
I shake my head, a sudden lump in my throat preventing me from saying the word out loud, and he gives me a stern look. I know that look. It’s one that means I’m going to do whatever he says.
“Take the test, Fal.”
When I don’t say anything—actually, I don’t even move because just the thought of taking the test after the fight Reed and I had terrifies me—he comes over and grabs my hand. He turns it over, placing the test on my palm before folding my fingers around it.
Then, he turns me to face the powder room in the hallway and gives me a little push. “Go. Take the damn test. At least then you’ll know for sure. I know you’re worrying about what will happen with my brother, but you need to know. No point in worrying about something if it isn’t going to happen.”
My knees are weak and my legs wobble as I make my way to the bathroom on his orders, the frantic beating of my heart the only thing I can hear. The sound of the door shutting behind me doesn’t even register in my mind, and I’m left to stare at my own reflection in the mirror. Seeing how pale my face is under the redness on my cheeks, and the black streaks of mascara left behind from my crying jag, makes me flinch. I’m one hot ass mess.
After wiping what’s left of my makeup off, I sit down to take the test. Have you ever tried to pee on a stick with trembling hands? If not, I don’t recommend it. I’m not even sure I got enough on the damn thing for it to give an answer, but when I’m finished I cap it and set it on the counter to wait anyway.
Ryker barely gives me time to wash my hands before he’s knocking on the door. “Fallon? Did you take it?”
I pull the door open, rolling my eyes when I see his anxious expression. “Yes, Dad, I took the stupid test.” I want to be mad at him but I can’t. He pushes me further into the small bathroom and grins down at me.
“Your sarcasm is back; you must be feeling better.” I sigh shaking my head.
Better? Not even a little bit.
We both turn to look at the small white piece of plastic that’s going to change all our lives, and I swear the longer I stare at it, the bigger it becomes.
A few minutes go by before Ryker nudges me. “You should be able to look now.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to. You look.” I know I sound petulant, but I can’t help it. He wanted me to take it; he can look to see what it says. I already know.
He sc
runches up his nose but moves me aside so he can look down at the test. I hold my breath while I wait for him to confirm my suspicion, and when he turns to look at me with awe-filled eyes, I know for sure.
“It’s positive,” he says, not even trying to hide the happiness in his voice.
Ryker grabs me around the waist and spins us both around in the small space. I don’t know how he doesn’t bump into the wall or counter, or send us flying into the tub, but he manages. When he finally sets me back down I’m dizzy, my mouth is dry, and I’m not sure how I feel about the results of the test.
“Dad is going to be over the moon.” He hugs me, his arms wrapping around me and squeezing me so tightly I yelp. “You did it, Fal!” He seems so happy, and yet here I am emotionless.
His hand caresses my still flat stomach in wonder, and my eyes fill with tears. This should be Reed and I. We should be the ones who are thrilled about having a baby. Instead, he’s gone and I’m here with Ryker.
“It should be Reed with me right now. He should be here, Ryker. He should be as happy as you are, but he’s not. He’s not here, and he’s not happy. How am I supposed to deal with that?” The tears start to fall again and this time, I can’t stop them.
“He doesn’t love me the way I love him and there’s nothing I can do about it.” I sob, my chest constricting with each breath I take.
The joy in Ryker’s eyes dims, and I hate that I’m the cause. This should be a happy time, but it’s so far from being a joyous moment for me.
He clears his throat, his arms still holding me, before he says, “Give him some time, Fallon. I know my brother loves you. We all know it. He just needs to admit it to himself and once he does, I’m sure he’ll be falling all over himself to apologize for hurting you.”
He sounds so confident, and I wish I could believe him, but if Reed truly loved me, he wouldn’t have run out on me. Not when I needed him the most. We’ve both made so many mistakes, but I’m not sure we can come back from this one.