What She Left for Me

by Tracie Peterson

  “He sounds completely unreasonable. I’m glad I didn’t know him.”

  “Yes, he was unreasonable. Mother spent her every waking hour trying to serve him, and it was never enough. She kept a perfect house, cooked marvelous meals, and accompanied him to all the parties and affairs that required their presence, and still he was not satisfied. As his business flourished and he began to make his fortune, my father grew even more unbearable. I believe he even hit my mother on occasion.”

  “And still she didn’t leave?”

  “Jana, dear, there was nowhere to go. Other family members would simply never have taken her in, and short of living on the street, she would have been without a place to live. There were no shelters. The mentality was that to have such places would only encourage discontentment in wives. The wisdom—and I use that term loosely—of the day was that if you ignored a problem, it would go away.”

  “But that’s not how abuse works.”

  “No, it isn’t. Things did get worse. My sister was born just days before the bombs fell on Pearl Harbor. The world changed quickly after that. My father’s industry boomed, and he suddenly found himself wealthy enough to have anything he wanted. Except the one thing he truly desired, which was a son. He cursed my mother for giving him another girl, then walked away from all of us. Oh, he didn’t divorce my mother or leave the house, but he might as well have done both. He immersed himself in his business in such a way that we rarely saw him.”

  “But wasn’t that better than dealing with his anger?”

  “In some ways it was nice to have things quiet again. But in spite of my father’s bullying and fierce temper, he was the only man in the house, and we were a country at war. We lived in fear of what might happen if the Germans or Japanese invaded. I was sixteen years old, and all I wanted was some reassurance that everything would be all right—that the future would be all right.”

  Taffy stopped and put down her fork. “That’s all your mother is seeking right now. She just needs to know that the future will work out in a positive way.”

  “That will never happen if she doesn’t deal with the past.”

  “And what of you, Jana? Have you dealt with the past? Did it give you the answers you needed in order to make a better future?”

  Jana considered the question for a moment. “I’ve dealt with as much as I could. I went to therapy for a time while I was in college. . . . I tried to figure out why I couldn’t seem to move forward. I felt eternally tied to the past.”

  “Many people are.”

  Jana smiled. “But not you. You live freely in the present. You don’t seem at all concerned with the future.”

  Taffy laughed. “Well, there probably isn’t a whole lot of it left—as far as an earthly future is concerned.”

  “Don’t say that,” Jana countered quickly. Taffy could sense her fear.

  “Jana, I’m not afraid of dying. I’m not afraid of what this earth holds in store for me, because God holds my future. He has already promised to never leave me nor forsake me. Why should I worry?”

  “Things don’t always work out. The plans we make fall apart.”

  “Then maybe they weren’t plans we should have made in the first place.”

  “Maybe, but once they’re made, shouldn’t we try to see them through to fruition?”

  Taffy thought for a moment. “If you are going on a road trip and you take the wrong highway, do you keep right on going on the wrong road—in the wrong direction? Or do you stop, turn around, and head back to take the right path?”

  “But sometimes you can’t back up or turn around. Sometimes you aren’t on wide highways but rather narrow alleyways with no crossroads, just tall buildings to line your way. God hates divorce, so how could dissolving my marriage have been the right change?”

  “I never said changing your marriage status was the answer. I was talking about your heart. I don’t propose to know all the answers, Jana, but I do know that God sometimes calls us to abandon our plans. God has shown me many times in my life where I chose a false path. Sometimes He’s helped me to change my way, but other times, as you’ve pointed out, the road can’t be changed. At least not at that point and time. So God has given me direction, grace, and encouragement to endure the trip. Just as He’s doing with you right now. Like He’s done all these years with Eleanor.”

  “But I want to do more than endure. I want more than that for my mother. Anyone can endure, but I want to succeed. I want to be victorious—like you.”

  Taffy nearly cringed at the compliment. The child had no way of knowing the battles she’d fought in life. Jana only saw Taffy on one side of the mountain—the good side—the side Taffy had reached only after years of struggle and heartache. Jana had the impression that everything Taffy had done or said had resulted in perfection and order. Perhaps it was time to show her that hadn’t always been the case.

  “I married Calvin Anderson in complete rebellion,” Taffy began. “I met him at one of the many parties my parents held. My mother was ill that night, so I acted as hostess at my father’s request. Cal had a presence about him that made all the women swoon. He was a cross between Charles Boyer and Gary Cooper. My, but he was gorgeous. He swept into the room that night, dressed in a tuxedo and carrying a bouquet of flowers intended for my mother.”

  “What happened next?”

  Taffy recalled the evening in vivid detail. “I was wearing a gown of dark gold satin. It was one of my mother’s dresses that had been made over for me. The style was a bit severe and matronly, but I made the best I could of the situation. My hair was a dark honey color in those days, and I wore it pinned up in rather the same fashion Audrey Hepburn had worn it in Breakfast at Tiffany’s—do you remember?” Jana nodded and Taffy continued.

  “Father introduced us and Cal bowed low and handed me the bouquet, explaining that he’d brought the flowers for my mother. I accepted on her behalf, and my father went off to greet some new arrivals. Cal looked me over, you know, in that way that makes a young girl blush.”

  Jana giggled at Taffy’s description. “I can imagine.”

  “Well, he was just so bold and so outspoken. He didn’t care what anyone thought. He told me then and there that if I were his wife, he would dress me properly in colors and fabrics that would complement my figure and complexion. Well, I didn’t know what to say, he had so startled me. So I came back at him with the only bit of wit I could muster.”

  “Which was what?” Jana actually leaned forward at this point.

  “I asked him flat out if that was a marriage proposal.”

  Jana laughed and it did Taffy’s heart good. “That sounds like you. What did he say?”

  “He gave as good as I’d given. He said, ‘Would you like it to be?’ And that began everything. We were seldom out of each other’s company after that. He was popular with my father because of his entrepreneurial talents. He was a lawyer originally but found that he was adept at making money in many fashions. I had no idea of his wealth when we first started seeing each other, but as time went on and his gifts became more elaborate, I figured it all out.”

  “How romantic,” Jana said wistfully.

  “Well, yes and no. You see, even then, I had a check of sorts in my spirit. Cal cared nothing about God, so at first that was attractive in light of my father’s zealous religious nature. Cal didn’t flaunt that he wasn’t interested in spiritual matters; in fact, quite the opposite. He played the game just enough to convince my father of his virtues.”

  “But you knew the truth?”

  “Yes, and unfortunately, I told myself at the time that it didn’t matter. So since God couldn’t convince my spirit that marriage to this man was wrong, He came at me in other ways. I saw how Cal treated people. He used them. He manipulated them with the greatest of ease until they were begging for his company and his bidding. I’d never seen anything like it, but again, I let it go. I was falling deeply in love with the man.” She shrugged. “Perhaps he had unwittingly manipula
ted my heart as well.”

  Taffy ate a mouthful of the salmon and wondered how much more she should say. It was difficult to share all that had transpired. It would take too long, and frankly, she was growing tired.

  “Anyway, there were signs that warned me to turn back, but I chose instead to move ahead. When Cal formally presented me with a diamond engagement ring—a ring much too elaborate and expensive for a simple girl of eighteen—I immediately said yes. I knew eventually my father would learn the truth about Cal’s lack of spiritual interest, and it seemed to be my perfect revenge. I wanted to hurt my father for the pain he had caused me and my mother—even my sister. I even wanted to hurt my mother for loving Melody more than me. Besides, even though I had my misgivings, I pushed them aside in the belief that everything would work out. I was, after all, marrying my fairy-tale prince. Why should I spoil that with reality?” She smiled.

  “Love does tend to blind us. Especially when we’re desperate to leave what we have for something else.”

  “Yes, and when we ignore God’s warnings.”

  “Sometimes we don’t know about God’s warning. I had barely become a Christian when Rob proposed. Up until then I thought it was just my soul he wanted.” She paused for a moment and her expression changed.

  “I was so lonely,” Jana admitted. “So desperate for love—for someone to get close to. I could never understand why my mother rejected me, yet she wouldn’t let me get close to my nannies or even tell me about you. How different my life might have been if I’d had you in it.”

  “Your mother was afraid you’d be hurt by relationships, just as she had been. We all have that fear to some degree.”

  “But to cast off her own child?”

  “She couldn’t risk more damage,” Taffy said seriously. “It doesn’t make it right, but that was her justification. She couldn’t risk getting close to even one more person.”

  “But why? I don’t understand.”

  Taffy felt sorry for the girl. “Because being close meant being vulnerable. She couldn’t allow that in her life. She’d been vulnerable too many times before, and it had resulted in her being used most grievously.”

  “But everyone gets used sometime. The world is full of players.”

  “True . . . but sometimes the game gets out of hand.”

  Twenty-three

  Taffy’s birthday affair was one of the biggest events in Lomara. It seemed to Jana that everyone in the small town had turned out to wish the woman well on her eightieth birthday.

  In her typical flair for the dramatic, Taffy attended her party dressed in a full-length ball gown. She completed the look with white gloves and a tiny tiara in her white hair. Stanley escorted her dressed in a stylish tuxedo with a tie that matched the color of Taffy’s gown. They were truly in contrast to their party attendees, most of whom wore jeans and cowboy shirts or shorts and T-shirts. But that didn’t matter to Taffy. Jana wished she could come to the place where people’s feelings about her no longer mattered. Jana still found herself fretting over what the members of her former church thought of her. Did they blame her for what had happened to her marriage—to Rob?

  Jana watched as Taffy interacted with the crowd. No one seemed to mind at all that her great-aunt had dressed more for a Washington, D.C., social than for a small Montana birthday party. They loved her. They adored Taffy Anderson.

  And why not? The woman was a friend to all. She had generously donated to the town’s various fundraisers. She was faithful to her church congregation and a true neighbor to anyone in need.

  How does she live like this and survive with her feelings intact? Jana questioned. Surely there were those who condemned her silliness and her ostentatious fashion. But even if there were, Taffy probably just laughed it off. Jana could almost hear the kind of reply she might have.

  “Why should I deny myself the pleasure of dressing up if I want to? Who cares what other people think, Jana? You have to be true to yourself and to God.”

  That thought only served to prick Jana’s heart. Be true to God. What did that mean? She felt so awkward when even considering her faith and what it meant to her life. Taffy had admonished her to give God another chance, but how exactly was she supposed to do that?

  A small country-western band struck up a lively dance number, and soon all of Fourteenth Street was filled with couples doing a Montana two-step. Jana smiled at the excitement generated by the music and pushed her worry about God aside. Most of these people seemed genuinely happy with each other—pairs who fit together, as though made for each other.

  An ache built inside Jana’s heart. It radiated from within and filled her like no other pain. She was alone. Rob was dead. There was no hope of his coming back to apologize and start again. But even so, Jana was beginning to wonder if what they’d had really had been love, after all.

  “Taffy certainly knows how to host a party,” a man declared as he came to stand by Jana.

  She looked up and noted it was the same pastor she’d run into outside the flower shop. She stiffened but pasted a smile on her face. “Yes. Yes, she does.”

  “I know I gave you my card, but I didn’t properly introduce myself last time we met. I’m Kevin Clifford.”

  “The preacher,” Jana said dryly.

  “Yes, but I’m also a friend of your aunt’s.”

  “The entire world is friends with Taffy,” Jana replied, glad to turn the focus away from herself.

  “That’s because she makes herself a friend to everyone around her.” He turned and watched the dancers for a moment. The band began a cowboy waltz, and Stanley and Taffy were leading off.

  Jana wondered if Taffy missed Cal and if it were Cal she thought of when she allowed Stanley to take her in his arms. It seemed that Cal and Taffy had had a wonderful marriage. At least Taffy talked of her time with Cal as though it had been something truly special.

  “When is the baby due?” Kevin asked, pulling her from her reflection.

  “December.” Jana looked up to find him smiling. “What?”

  “My sister is due in December as well. I’m going to be an uncle for the first time.”

  Jana couldn’t help but smile too. “Well, congratulations.” But as soon as the words were out of her mouth she felt awkward again. Taffy would tell her to just be honest with the man, while Eleanor would say to give him the cold shoulder and walk away. Given that Taffy was much happier than her mother, Jana decided to give her great-aunt’s way a try.

  “I’m sorry. I’m not very comfortable with you,” she finally admitted. “I guess I’m afraid you’ll break into some soul-saving speech or something.”

  He laughed, and it instantly relaxed Jana. “I’m not known for that, to tell you the truth. I do speak the Word of God and do have a passion for saving souls, but I try to let God lead me in conversations that include those things.”

  Jana nodded. “I didn’t want you to think I hated you or anything just because you’re a pastor. It’s not that. I’m just uncomfortable.”

  “I can imagine. You’ve been through a great deal. Your husband’s death must have been a real shock.”

  “It was worse still when they called me to make funeral arrangements. I had no desire to be a part of that.”

  “What did you do?”

  Jana shrugged. “Delegated it to someone else. I arranged for some friends at the church in Spokane to take charge.”

  “So you didn’t go back for the funeral?”

  “No. I figured I’d already buried him, in a sense. When he left me for his secretary, it was the death of what we’d known.”

  “I can understand that. So what about the murder itself? Your aunt said she was concerned about whether you would be dragged into that.”

  “Nothing came about. I guess between all the character witnesses and Jason’s testimony, they realized there was nothing to charge me with.”

  “That had to be a relief.”

  Jana couldn’t begin to tell him what a relief it was. Final
word had come only two days ago. “It was huge. I didn’t realize how much I’d been fretting and worrying over it. But when the call came, I nearly broke down.”

  “It’s still going to take a good long time to put this behind you. The baby will be both a help and a reminder. You should prepare your heart for that.”

  She looked at him oddly. “I’m not sure I understand.”

  “Well, the baby could end up reminding you more of what happened. You might even find that you start distancing yourself from your child because he reminds you of your husband.”

  “I won’t do that!” Jana insisted a bit louder than she’d intended. “I won’t desert my child. It won’t be his fault that his father was a jerk.” Her anger poured out. “I’m not my mother.”

  It was Kevin’s turn to look a bit puzzled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  Jana suddenly felt embarrassed. He hadn’t done anything wrong. “I’m sorry,” she said, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “Some topics are just difficult. I think I’ll head back to the house. Please excuse me.”

  “Of course. I am really sorry that you have so much to go through. I hope you know that you are welcome to join us at church. Taffy would love to have you there, and so would everyone else. We’ve been praying for you.”

  Jana started to quip off a sarcastic remark, then thought better of it. “Thank you,” she said instead and hurried toward the house.

  Making her way to the backyard gate, Jana slipped inside and sighed. She hadn’t meant to lose her temper that way, and the pastor certainly didn’t deserve it. It’s just so hard, she thought. Hard to make sense of my life and all that is transpiring around me. How do I put the pieces back together? How do I make it all work?

  She walked across the lawn and around the house and found her mother sipping tea in the garden.

  “I thought you’d be enjoying the party,” Jana said.