What She Left for Me

by Tracie Peterson

She cleaned up the small mess that remained in the kitchen and popped all the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. There wasn’t enough for a load, however, so Jana left them for later and decided to wash some of the windows. It was something she could do slowly and without too much difficulty.

  The cool November air felt refreshing as Jana opened the front door and stepped out onto the porch. It revived her, but the feeling quickly faded. She looked around her, noting the dull colors of winter. She wished it would snow—at least then the ground would be covered in white. As it was now, everything appeared dead . . . just as Jana felt inside.

  Jana began washing the outside of the living room window, contemplating Kerry and Rob. The thought of them together—of them planning to leave, of Rob being killed—was never far from Jana’s reflections.

  I don’t know what to do anymore. Taffy says I must deal with this, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to make it right. Instead I just ponder the same things over and over and get nowhere. What do I do with these thoughts, these memories? How do I actually “deal” with my life?

  “Good morning.”

  Jana turned to find Taffy’s pastor, Kevin Clifford, had ridden over on a bicycle. It seemed like the kind of thing he’d do, Jana thought. He dismounted and set the kickstand. “Is Taffy home this morning?”

  “No, I’m sorry, you just missed her. She was going to have devotions with Stanley next door, then take a long walk. You might still catch her.”

  Kevin nodded. “I’ll check there, and if that fails, I’ll ride the path they always take.”

  “You’re familiar with where my great-aunt walks?” It seemed odd to Jana.

  “Well, this is a pretty small town. There aren’t that many options,” he said with a grin.

  She thought him a pleasant enough man, but she would not allow a friendship with Kevin Clifford. She couldn’t get past the fact that he was a pastor, especially when she was still struggling with her understanding of God.

  She dunked her sponge in the soapy water. “I suppose you’re right. I hadn’t really thought about it.”

  “So how are you doing?” He climbed up the steps and stood on the porch just a few feet away.

  Jana felt a surge of apprehension. “I’m fine.”

  “Care to talk with me for a few?”

  “I really should wash the windows,” she said, hoping the excuse would send him on his way.

  “I could help you. I’m pretty good at washing windows. The church has twenty-four of them. You tend to get good at things like that when so much repetition is involved. You might even say I’m the window-washing king of Lomara.”

  She couldn’t help but smile. “No. I don’t need help, but thanks for the offer. Coming from a king, that means a lot.” He chuckled, but then an awkward silence fell between them. Jana looked at the dripping sponge. The chill of the November air, combined with the dampness of the sponge, made her hands feel nearly numb from cold. She supposed this wasn’t the best job for the day, but Taffy had been talking about doing it all week, and Jana had wanted to surprise her.

  “You know, I’m not going to hit you over the head with a Bible,” Kevin finally said.

  Jana dropped the sponge in the bucket. “Maybe you should.” Her comment surprised her. Was she challenging him to get spiritual with her—to help her understand where God was in all of this?

  “I think you’d feel better if you could let go some of your frustration and ask the questions that are bugging you.”

  She looked at him oddly. “What questions?”

  He shrugged and leaned back against the porch post. “Well, for starters, where was God in all of this? Why didn’t He keep bad things from happening?”

  “So where was He? Why didn’t He?” she countered in a rather sarcastic tone.

  Kevin gave her a hint of a smile. “Do you really want to talk about this or are you just humoring me?”

  Jana appreciated his candor and his concern. “Come on inside. I have some coffee on, and I’d like to warm up.”

  He nodded and opened the door for her. “After you.”

  Jana left him in the living room, then went to pour them both a cup. “Do you take cream or sugar?” she called from the kitchen. She poured cream into her own cup and awaited his answer.

  “One spoonful of sugar. Thanks.”

  She brought the mugs with her and handed him one. “I’m not sure where to begin,” she said, sitting down. “I wasn’t expecting this, but I guess if I’m honest, I’ll admit that I need it.”

  He took a sip and nodded. “We all need to talk to someone from time to time. Taffy’s been concerned about you. She never speaks of the details, of course. She’s very protective of you and your situation.”

  “My situation,” Jana said with a laugh. “That’s what it is all right. It’s a situation, and I don’t know how to make it go away.”

  “What exactly are you wishing would go away?”

  Jana thought about that for a moment. “I don’t know. I guess the memories—the pain. I feel like I’m grieving for two different things. My marriage and my husband. Does that make any sense?”

  “Sure. You lost him when he left you. That was bad enough, but before you could deal with that, he’s murdered.”

  She shook her head. “None of it makes sense to me. I feel guilty for feeling a loss—for calling myself a widow. But I feel just as guilty for not realizing my husband was unhappy enough to leave me. It’s confusing at best.”

  “Life usually has those moments, but you can’t let Satan blind you to the truth. God hasn’t abandoned you. He said in the Word that He’d never leave you nor forsake you. Satan wants to convince you that God’s a liar—because Satan is a liar.”

  Jana considered the words carefully. “When I accepted Christ as my Savior, I did so because Rob convinced me that Jesus would be the answer to all my problems. But now . . .” She couldn’t figure out how she wanted to say what was in her heart. She was desperately afraid that the answer would condemn her in some way.

  “But now Rob is gone, and you’re not sure who Jesus is without Rob to base it on?”

  “Well, sort of.” She suddenly nodded. “Yes. I guess that’s a part of it.” And as strange as it sounded, Jana realized from her talk with Taffy that she was very much confused. Rob had always been the one to correct her by pointing out something in the Bible. Rob had been the one to suggest areas of growth by using verses to back up his thinking. Jana had seldom gone to the Bible on her own until the previous Christmas. After that she felt like she was coming to see a lot of things more clearly. She’d felt confident that Rob would be proud of her—but instead, he’d seemed troubled.

  “Jana, when you accepted Christ as your Savior, did you understand that Jesus died for you? That if you had been the only person in the world who needed a Savior, that He would have still gone to the cross?”

  “Yes, I think so.” She felt uncertain. “I know Rob told me that, but I’m not sure I understood it or even really heard it—at least not at first. Does that sound strange?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “I guess I made Rob my savior instead of Jesus.” The realization hit her hard.

  “It happens, Jana. You can’t beat yourself up over it. There are some people who need to be a savior to other people. They want people to rely on them, to hold them up as important and special. I don’t know if that’s what Rob did, but it’s easy to see why you’d be confused about things now.”

  “It makes me angry,” she said, putting her coffee aside. “He knew what he was doing. I’m sure of that. Rob liked power. He hated playing assistant to anyone. Now I can see that in his own manipulative way, he made me reliant upon him for my relationship with God.” She thought for a moment. “The woman he ran off with told me that Rob started acting unhappy around last Christmas. Well, that’s when I felt like I was finally starting to understand God for myself. . . . Now I don’t know what to think or believe.”

  “It doesn’t have to be that way. Jana, G
od didn’t change. You can come to Him in confidence. Let me share a couple of verses with you to prove my point.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a thin but well-worn Bible. “In First Timothy two, verses five and six, it says, ‘For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men.’ ” He stopped and looked up at her. “Rob wasn’t your savior, nor was he the way to God. Jesus alone is your salvation.”

  She nodded. “I believe that. I saw that for myself. I guess now I just don’t know where to go from there—what to do with that belief.”

  “You put your trust in Jesus,” Kevin said softly. “Not in Rob or a marriage that fell apart. Jesus is there for you, Jana. You just need to reach out to Him—in prayer and by reading His Word.”

  “But I don’t know what to pray,” she admitted sadly. “I feel so overwhelmed. I don’t know where to start.”

  “Start with giving your feelings, your thoughts, your heartaches to Him. Let Him know how bad you feel—because, Jana, He already knows. He knows how angry you’ve been. He’s heard your questions and your fears. All of those feelings are deceptive. We can’t trust them, but we can trust Him.”

  “So you’re saying take a step of faith?”

  “Yes. Take a step in faith that God really is who He says He is—not who Rob says or who I say. But go back to the Word and learn who He is for yourself. Rekindle what you were coming to understand and the relationship you were finding for yourself.”

  Jana thought about Kevin’s words long after he’d gone. It sounded too simple. Too easy. Shouldn’t it be harder than that? Her life felt so complicated. How was it that something so important could be as easy as letting go—giving over to God?

  “And it still doesn’t answer all my questions,” she said as she dusted the living room knickknacks. The old rage edged to the surface and threatened to swallow the calming effect of Kevin’s discussion.

  “Why don’t I understand?” She looked upward, as though she might see God there looking back.

  “I don’t know why this had to happen to me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell my child. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live.”

  The more she focused on herself and the circumstances at hand, the angrier she felt. “It’s not fair. It’s not fair!” Tears came to her eyes. “I want to believe you care, God. But I don’t know how to let go. I have a baby now. A child who will want answers, just as I’ve wanted answers all of my life. I have no answers to give!”

  And then it dawned on her that maybe her mother had no answers either.

  “I can’t go on like this. It seems one minute I come close to glimpsing the truth and the next it’s far beyond me.” She began dusting again, only this time her strokes held more vigor. Tears blinded her eyes, and without meaning to, she knocked off one of Taffy’s vases. It shattered around her feet.

  She sank to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably. I can’t bear any more. I can’t go on like this. God, help me. She buried her face in her hands. How can I raise a child by myself? How can I make a family for this baby when I don’t even know what family is really about?

  She felt someone pull her into an embrace. Her surprise couldn’t have been greater, for there on the floor, mindless of the broken vase, was Eleanor Templeton, cradling her daughter in a way such as she had never done. Jana was uncertain at first as to how to take it. She stiffened against her mother’s touch.

  “I’m not very good at this, I know,” her mother whispered, “but I’ve come to realize something. While there are things worse than death, burdens are better carried when you have someone to share the load. You and I are so much alike. We try to carry it all ourselves, and then we get mad when we stumble and fall and break our backs against the weight of our problems.”

  Jana relaxed against her mother, anguish pouring from her heart. “I just feel like it will never be good again,” she said through the tears. “I’ll never be happy. Nothing will ever be right.”

  “I know,” her mother said, stroking her hair. “I know exactly what you mean.”

  They stayed like that for what seemed an eternity. Jana didn’t feel she had the strength to say anything more, and Eleanor seemed content to just hold her. The unbearable pain started to ease. Jana knew that somehow her mother had absorbed a portion of her child’s pain.

  “I’ve made a big mess,” Jana said, being the one to pull away. “In so many ways.”

  “We all have,” Eleanor admitted, “but now we are working to put it in order.”

  Jana nodded, then got to her knees. “I’d better get this cleaned up before Taffy comes home. This vase must have been an antique, and I feel awful for having destroyed it.”

  “You’re in good company, child,” Taffy said from the doorway. She came into the room with a smile on her face. “The president of the United States once came to my home in Washington, D.C., and broke the mate to that vase.”

  “But I have to confess,” Jana said, wiping her tears, “this happened in anger. This was my fault, pure and simple.”

  “Just as it was the president’s fault,” Taffy replied lightly. “There’s something about those vases that seems to bring out the worst in folks.”

  Jana began to grin, and even Eleanor couldn’t keep from smiling. “We are quite a trio,” Jana commented, reaching out for pieces of the broken china.

  “Yes,” Taffy said knowingly. “We are a three-stranded cord. And Ecclesiastes says, ‘A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.’ We will find strength together.”

  Eleanor picked up the remaining pieces and got to her feet. Jana wondered if her mother would reinstate the wall that had kept them both at arm’s length at the mention of those verses. Instead she said, “I’ve always avoided that passage of Ecclesiastes.”

  Taffy didn’t react in surprise, but Jana couldn’t help but stare at her mother oddly. Taffy only smiled and asked, “And why is that, dear?”

  “Because it speaks against everything I believed,” Eleanor said frankly. “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” She looked at Jana and extended her hand. “It’s hard to see how wrong I’ve been.”

  Jana nearly started crying all over again, but instead, she fought back her tears and let her mother help her to her feet. She didn’t fully understand what had happened, but for once Jana realized she didn’t need to. From the look on her mother’s face and the tears streaming down Taffy’s cheeks, Jana knew that something good had taken place. It didn’t matter if she understood the details. It was only important that she put aside the past and start again.

  Twenty-eight

  “I just don’t think it’s wise,” Eleanor told Taffy as the old woman bustled around the room.

  “It’s a church retreat. How risqué can that be? I’ll only be gone two days and will be in the company of the other church women the entire time. And we’re only going up to the Big Mountain Retreat Center. It’s not like I’m going to outer Mongolia by myself.” Taffy paused and grinned mischievously. “Although remind me to tell you about the time I was abandoned in Hong Kong and ended up on the wrong water taxi.”

  “But what if you get sick? You aren’t young anymore.”

  Jana saw her great-aunt’s expression sober. She felt sorry for the way her mother babied Taffy—almost as if the woman had no ability to reason for herself.

  “Eleanor, I know I’m not young, but neither am I feeble in body or mind. I wish you would stop telling me how old I am. I don’t feel old.”

  Eleanor seemed taken aback. She sat down as if the wind had gone out of her sails. “I’m sorry. I never thought of it that way. I just worry about you.”

  “Well, stop. The Bible says we can’t add a single day to our lives by doing that. In fact, I think it’s sinful. Worry is like saying God can’t.”

  Jana refused to get in the middle of this c
onversation. She liked the little changes she’d seen in her mother—in herself. To jump in now, siding with Taffy as Jana felt confident she would do, would only make her mother feel that they were ganging up on her.

  “Besides,” Taffy said, pulling on her hiking shoes, “my money is paid and Stanley will be here any minute. He’s going to drive me up to the retreat center. We’re all supposed to meet there in time for lunch.” She pulled on the laces and sent Jana a wink. “And they’ve asked me to be in charge of games this year. Oh, I have some doozies.”

  Jana laughed and Eleanor rolled her eyes. “I can only imagine,” Jana’s mother said.

  “You both should have signed up to come with me. You could have kept an eye on me while having a great deal of fun.” Taffy finished with the laces just as a knock sounded at the door. “That will be Stanley.”

  “You know, Aunt Taffy, you ought to marry that man,” Jana teased. “He sure has it bad for you.”

  Taffy laughed. “Oh, goodness, why ruin a perfectly good friendship? I would wear that man out with my activities. You know, I read in one of my magazines the other day that most marriages fall apart because the couples weren’t friends first. Isn’t that interesting?”

  “Rob and I were friends first and it didn’t seem to help us. We had a lot of good times just talking and interacting at various functions,” Jana said, shaking her head. “At least I thought we had good times. I guess it was all a lie.”

  “Why? Just because Rob left? Does that invalidate your feelings?” Eleanor asked.

  Her mother’s question surprised Jana. “I guess not, but it certainly invalidates what I thought were Rob’s feelings.”

  “Now, child, you don’t know that,” Taffy corrected. “You can’t know that. So instead of presuming the worst, I would advise you to think the best. Believe in your heart that Rob was truly happy then—that he loved you and cared about you—that your friendship was real. Maybe that changed later, but there’s no reason to believe that the good experiences you had together were anything but the real deal. And if nothing else, your feelings were sincere.”