What She Left for Me

by Tracie Peterson

  “He’s reckless,” Taffy told her. “It’s a wonder he hasn’t caused himself a full-blown stroke the way he works.”

  “I wasn’t doing anything,” Stanley protested. “Just driving around with you.”

  “Well now, Stanley,” Bart said, laughing, “with a pretty lady like Miz Anderson, it’s understandable. You probably got your heart racing with her at your side.”

  They all laughed at this, and even Eleanor joined them. She knew Stanley was completely besotted with Taffy. Why the two didn’t get married was beyond her. Of course, she’d certainly never encouraged such a thing. In fact, if anything, she’d been discouraging the relationship in any capacity.

  I’ve been so cruel, she thought. I’ve never been very nice to this old man, and yet he’s done nothing but offer kindness. I’ve sinned against him in my ugliness toward him. I know I’ve hurt him many times in the way I’ve treated him. Guilt again emerged from the recesses of Eleanor’s mind. She frowned. Could she really take it captive? Could she, of her own will, face that guilt and render it powerless by refusing to give it control?

  By now the EMTs had hooked Stanley up to some machine and were monitoring his heart. “Stanley, I don’t think this is a heart attack. Everything looks good,” Bart announced. “But we’re going to get you on over to the clinic. I’ve already notified the doc. Mike, why don’t you go ahead and get the stretcher.”

  “I’m not going to the clinic on any stretcher,” Stanley declared. “Especially if my heart is okay. I’ll drive myself over.”

  “Oh no you won’t. You aren’t driving anywhere.” Taffy waggled her finger at him. “You are going to behave.”

  “Not if it means going on a stretcher. Stretchers are for dead people.”

  Taffy gasped. “Stanley Jacobs!”

  “Well, they are. And last time I checked, I wasn’t dead.”

  “I could take him,” Eleanor offered. “Would that be okay?” She looked to the men for an answer.

  “You could follow us over. It’s just four blocks, and I don’t want to agitate Stanley further.”

  Eleanor looked at the old man. “Would that work, Stanley? Would you ride with me to the clinic?”

  “Of course he will,” Taffy answered for him. “He may be the most stubborn man in the world, but if he ever wants another of my apple cobblers, he’ll do as he’s told.”

  Stanley grinned. “Now I’m motivated.” He started to get up, pulling the wires of the machine with him. “I’ll expect that cobbler when I get back from the clinic.”

  “Hold on, Stanley. Let me get you disconnected before you destroy my equipment.”

  “You do what you’re told,” Taffy commanded, “and I’ll fix you a cobbler this evening. For now I’m coming to the clinic and making sure you behave.”

  Within a matter of minutes, Bart and Mike had Stanley in the car. Taffy was in the back seat, and to Eleanor’s surprise, so was Jana. Eleanor got in and snapped her seat belt on. “How are you feeling, Stanley?”

  He glanced over and gave her a thumbs-up. “I’m getting a cobbler, aren’t I?” He grinned and shook his head. “You’re all being so good to me.”

  “Well, it’s not like we had a choice,” Taffy teased. “You come busting into my house complaining of a heart attack.”

  He smiled over his shoulder. “Guess I know how to get your attention.”

  Eleanor pulled out of the drive and followed the rescue team as Taffy replied, “Guess you do.”

  It was about four hours later that the doctor decided it was most likely the two corned beef sandwiches and healthy helping of cucumber and onion salad that Stanley had had for lunch that were causing his pain. With Stanley feeling considerably better, he offered Taffy a sheepish grin as he walked out of the exam room on his own steam.

  “I should just forget about the cobbler,” Taffy said, hands on hips. “Goodness, but you gave us all a fright.”

  “That’s an understatement,” Eleanor said, realizing she cared more about Stanley than she’d known. How was it that she had allowed herself to care?

  She looked across the waiting room at Jana, who was chatting with one of the nurses, and then at Taffy, whose face fairly beamed relief. All of her life she had tried her best not to care about either of them, but what a fool she’d been. They were all very important to her—even Stanley. The realization was more startling than Eleanor could have imagined.

  I really don’t know myself at all. She sighed and thought again of the guilt in her life. There were choices to be made . . . a divided path that called for her to go one way or the other.

  It’s time, she thought. Time to get to know myself, and maybe time to reacquaint myself with God as well.

  “Are you ready?” Taffy asked.

  Eleanor smiled at the irony. The question seemed to reflect her thoughts. “Yes,” she said softly. “I believe I am.”

  Thirty-three

  Jana sat in the comfort of her room, rocking slowly back and forth. Thanksgiving was only days away, and Taffy was quite excited to have an excuse for a gathering. So far the only one coming besides Jana and her mother, however, was Stanley. Still, this seemed to be more than enough for Taffy.

  Jana gently rubbed her abdomen, nearly overwhelmed by the love she already knew for her unborn child. The connection she felt with her child left Jana somewhat confused by the past, however. How could her mother have loved her as much as she’d said, then pushed aside that love out of fear?

  “God, how do I keep it from happening to us?” She looked to her growing stomach. “I don’t want to hurt you. I love you so much—I feel so compelled to mother you. But I have to admit, I’m afraid.”

  A Bible verse she’d memorized while she was in Africa came to mind. “ ‘Do not fear,’ ” she whispered, “ ‘for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’ ” They had sung it to music over and over. The precious words of Isaiah 41:10 came back to Jana in a flood of emotion.

  God wasn’t promising a perfect life in that verse, but He was promising companionship, strength, and help. “I want to believe that,” she said, glancing upward. “I don’t want to be afraid. If I’m afraid, I’ll do the same things to this baby that my mother did to me. I know I’m not strong; she wasn’t either. Even though I’ve always considered my mother a rock of strength, I realize now how broken she’s always been. Why couldn’t I have seen that sooner?”

  Jana got up and walked to the window. Outside, the world had turned brown and dingy. Snow was promised for the holiday weekend, and heavy lead gray clouds covered the sky like a blanket.

  “I wish I could have understood her pain,” Jana continued in prayer. “I wish I could have been more sensitive to her needs.” She rubbed her lower back and tried to stretch. The weight of the baby created a pull that left Jana constantly massaging her muscles.

  With only a few weeks remaining until her due date, the doctor had told her she should be ready to go, and her mother was already suggesting the three of them take up residence in Missoula. Apparently, her mother had found some hotel that allowed for long stays at reasonable rates. The doctor didn’t think it was necessary to actually move up, but it made Taffy and Eleanor feel better, so Jana had agreed. They would head up shortly after Thanksgiving as long as the roads were clear and the weather wasn’t threatening a blizzard.

  Jana had never anticipated anything as much as she had the birth of her child. She sighed with regret that Rob couldn’t have been there too. Regret that he couldn’t have been the man she’d made him out to be in her mind, her dreams.

  “I thought I knew who he was and who I was when I was with him,” she said, turning from the window. She walked to the nursery area of her room and fingered the bedding in the crib. “I thought he was my prince charming. I thought I could trust him with my heart.” Tears came to her eyes. “I thought I could trust him with your heart too,” she added as she once again gave h
er belly a loving touch.

  “God, this seems so unfair. I’m so confused by what happened. I know Rob’s gone, but I keep wishing there were a way for us to work things out. I want to be at peace, yet there isn’t a real peace in any of this. I can’t offer Rob forgiveness; he’s not even here.”

  But you could offer Kerry forgiveness, a voice spoke deep in her soul.

  Jana had thought off and on about Kerry since the woman had shown up on her doorstep. She remembered Kerry’s tearful pleadings for forgiveness. Jana hugged her arms to her body. Could she give Kerry what she wanted? Could she forgive her?

  Jana retook her seat in the rocker and considered the possibility. She drew a deep breath and blew it out. “God, I’ve been so wrong. I’ve been as stubborn about my hurts as my mother was about hers, and in the process, I’ve pushed you away because you represented Rob and all the things that had hurt me so deeply. I want to forgive Kerry and Rob—I do. But I don’t know how. How do I let go of this?”

  Taffy’s words came back to mind. “My sins separated me from God in the same way his did. We are fallible and we will sin. But Jesus made a sacrifice so that all of those sins could be covered. It starts in seeking forgiveness—in repentance.”

  Jana nodded. The truth that her great-aunt had revealed was only now starting to sink in. “I need to repent of my anger and bitterness. I need to be forgiven too.”

  ****

  Eleanor studied a book of recipes, looking for just the right choices for Thanksgiving dinner. Taffy had already decided she would make two pumpkin pies from scratch. It was her grandmother’s recipe, she’d told Eleanor almost conspiratorially.

  Eleanor had been awash in thoughts of family ever since. Even now she found it almost impossible to concentrate. She hadn’t allowed herself to think of her family since the time when she first came to live with Taffy. The pain of losing everyone had been nearly too much for a fourteen-year-old to take. But she had conquered it by refusing to even think about them.

  But things had changed—everything had changed. Eleanor felt as though she were breaking free of a lifelong cocoon. But what did she do now that she’d emerged?

  She looked at the open book and saw that the page listed recipes for glazed carrots. Her brothers had loved carrots. They grew well in the garden, and her mother was always frustrated to find that the boys had gotten into the vegetables and taken samples before she was ready to pick them.

  Eleanor smiled at the memory of her brothers. Where were they now? What had happened to them? Should she try to find them or let well enough alone? After all, if they were still alive, they were no doubt caught up in their own families and problems. Why add to that worry? And if they were dead . . . Well, she didn’t even like to think about that.

  “Mom?”

  Eleanor looked up to find Jana staring at her rather quizzically. “I guess I was daydreaming.”

  “You looked very . . . well . . . I don’t know. Different,” Jana confessed. “You looked intent on whatever your daydream was.”

  “I was actually thinking about my brothers.”

  “I’d nearly forgotten—do you know where they are?”

  “No. After our mother died, the police took us away. I kept asking about them, but no one would tell me anything. Taffy and Cal even looked, and you would have thought with their powerful friends and money they could have found them, but something always went wrong. I finally stopped asking, and I think when Taffy and Cal realized I’ve given up, they gave up as well.”

  “What were their names?” Jana asked, taking a seat across from her mother.

  “Allan Junior was the oldest. He was six years younger than me. Then Thomas was two years younger than Allan. Deliverance was a year younger than Thomas, and Spirit a year younger than Deliverance.”

  “Deliverance? Spirit? What crazy names,” Jana said, laughing.

  “Well, you have to remember my parents were hippies. Those were perfectly good names for hippie children. We had more than our share of Moonbeams, Sunshines, Stars, and of course tons of flower children. We had a Daisy, Lilac, Heather, Wisteria—it was crazy.”

  Jana grinned. “Well, we won’t have any of that with this baby.”

  “Have you picked a name?”

  She shook her head. “Not completely. I have some names I’m partial to, but I’m still not sure.”

  “It might be wise to wait until the baby comes and then decide. Maybe once you see him or her, it will come easily.”

  “I think you might be right.” Jana fell silent, then brought the conversation back to the family. “Isn’t it weird to know that there is an entire family out there somewhere . . . who knows you exist but doesn’t know where you are?”

  “It is strange, but you have to remember that until now I’ve kept those kinds of thoughts out of my head. I’ve refused to think about them.” Eleanor ran her hand through her short blond hair and gave her head a little shake. “I don’t know that thinking about them now is any wiser. I mean, we couldn’t find them back then; why suppose we could find them now?”

  “Because we have so much more in the way of technology and information. You have the Internet and computer databases. I’m thinking that if you really wanted to find them now, you probably could.”

  Eleanor considered that for a moment. Perhaps there was a way—but did she want to find them?

  “I don’t know if it would be wise, though,” she finally said. She met Jana’s eyes. “They might be happier not being found. After all, they could have looked for me as well.”

  “Maybe they did. You have to remember, back then the records were sealed and difficult to get into. The government thought they were giving the ultimate protection—not keeping families divided.”

  “I suppose you’re right.” The idea was something to consider, but Eleanor couldn’t process it all right now. It had also occurred to her that if she found her brothers, she might find her father as well. Perhaps that was the real reason she’d avoided even thinking about where the boys had gone . . . because maybe, just maybe, they had left with her father and had been with him all along.

  “So are you going to look for them?” Jana’s question pulled Eleanor back into the present.

  “I don’t know. It’s something to think about.”

  Thankfully, Jana let the topic drop. Instead, she got up from the table and went to the cupboard for a glass. “I’ve been thinking about something and wanted to talk to you about it.”

  Eleanor waited until Jana had poured herself some milk and returned to the table before asking, “What is it?”

  “I’ve set my heart right with God,” Jana began. “I’ve asked Him to forgive my anger and bitterness—my doubt. But in doing that, I’ve been thinking a lot about Kerry Broadbent.”

  “But why?”

  “She asked for my forgiveness, and I refused her.” Jana took a long drink and studied the glass for a moment. “That was wrong of me, but I’m not sure how to make it right, except . . . well . . . to call her up—maybe see her.”

  “Are you sure you want to take that route? You might be opening a very painful can of worms.”

  “But how can I deny her forgiveness when she humbled herself and came here to ask for it? I feel bad for the way I treated her, but at the same time, I know that I wasn’t ready back then to absolve the woman who’d stolen my husband.”

  “But you feel you can do that now?”

  Jana surprised Eleanor by nodding. “Yes, I do. I wouldn’t have thought so a few days ago, but I’ve been praying and reading my Bible, and I know it’s time. I just wondered if you would be upset or offended by this, because . . . well . . . I think I’d like to invite her to Thanksgiving dinner.”

  Eleanor was taken aback by this announcement, but she saw the need in her daughter’s eyes. The process of working through her own spiritual crisis was something Eleanor still had not accomplished; however, she knew that Jana needed and desired her approval in this. Could she give it—and mean it?
>
  “What do you think, Mom? Is that too off the wall?”

  Eleanor gave her a smile and swallowed down all her protests. Was this what it was like to take thoughts captive? “No. Not at all. I think it’s very gracious—a definite act of kindness.”

  Jana seemed to relax. “Thanks, Mom. I guess I’ll go give her a call.”

  ****

  Jana’s hands trembled as she reached for the receiver. She didn’t know if Kerry had gone back to the home she’d shared with Jason, but that was the number Jana planned to try since she had it memorized from their years at the church.

  As the phone began to ring on the other end, Jana’s heartbeat crescendoed.

  “Hello.”

  The sound of Kerry’s voice left Jana momentarily speechless.

  “Hello? Is someone there?” Kerry questioned.

  “Yes,” Jana finally managed. “It’s Jana.”

  It was Kerry’s turn to fall silent. For several moments neither one said anything, but finally Jana worked up the courage to continue. “I think we need to talk.”

  “Yes, I agree.”

  “I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. It hasn’t been easy, but I want to see you and talk about everything.”

  “Has the baby come yet?”

  “No. I’m due in a couple weeks.”

  “Well, in that case you shouldn’t be traveling. Why don’t I come there—maybe next week after the holidays?”

  “I was kind of hoping you might join us for Thanksgiving. Unless, of course, you have other plans.”

  Kerry said nothing, and for a while Jana feared she’d lost the connection. “Are you there?”

  “I’m here,” Kerry said, her voice breaking into a sob. “I’m sorry. I’m just . . . well, it’s just . . . I was going to be alone on Thanksgiving.”

  “Well, now you don’t have to be. We’d like you to join us if you’d feel comfortable doing so.”

  “Jana, I’m really touched.” Kerry then added, “What time would you like me there?”