I’m quiet on the way to the grill. I have been for the past week just from thinking about how I’m ruining his life. He’s picked up on it, and he thinks he did something wrong. I hate he feels that way, but I don’t know how to fake it. I hate myself so much for holding him back.
My whole life, all I’ve ever done is get in the way.
I love Dane more than life itself, and I refuse to be another bad decision for him. I’ll make him hate me if that’s what it takes.
When Dane takes the stage. I walk up to Sean sitting at the bar. “Can we go outside and talk?”
He won’t look at me. “No, Dane told me to stay away from you.”
I take a long breath. “Please, you’re the only one that can help me.”
He looks at Dane on stage who isn’t paying any attention to us. “Alright, but it better be quick.” He stands and we both walk outside to the back-picnic table.
“What’s up?” he asks, taking a seat.
I sit down across from him. “Dane has to go on this tour.”
“I know! This could be it for him. Why isn’t he going anyway?”
“Because of me,” I whisper.
“Because of you?”
I nod. “Girlfriends aren’t allowed on the tour bus. He won’t leave me.” He told me he didn’t want to leave his band, but then Doug told me what he overheard, and I put two and two together.
“So how do you plan on getting him on that tour?”
I look up at him, no longer able to hold back the tears.
He shakes his head. “No, Alissa. That will kill him.”
“I have to. I have to leave. I won’t hold him back. He deserves this. He’s been working his whole life for this.”
He runs his hands through his hair. “Have you thought this through? You’re willing to just pack up and leave? Where will you go?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve been working, I have some money saved up. I’ll be fine, but I need to ask you something.”
“Anything.”
“When I leave, I need to you be here for him. You need to make sure he gets up and dusts himself off. Make sure he goes on that tour because I won’t be here to do that. Can you do that for me?”
He takes a long breath and looks up at the dark, star-filled sky. “Alissa…”
“Please, Sean. Please. I’m not doing this to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him, but I can’t hold him back either. He has to do this, and he won’t any other way. Please, will you help me?”
“Fuck!” He slams his palm against the picnic table.
I reach out and place my hand on his. “Please. Just make sure he gets on that tour bus.”
“Alright, fine.”
“Thank you.” I stand and brush the tears from my eyes. “I should go pack.”
“Wait!” He gets up and walks around the table to stand in front of me. “You’re leaving now? You’re not even going to tell him goodbye?”
I shake my head and more tears fall. “I can’t. I can’t tell him goodbye. He won’t let me go.”
“That’s fucked up, Alissa. He loves you. He’d never leave you without an explanation. Fuck, he won’t leave you with an explanation.”
“I know. I’m sorry, just please do as I asked.” I turn and walk away. Tears stream down my face as I walk back to the house and start throwing my clothes into a bag.
I think about what Sean said, and he does deserve an explanation. I grab some paper and a pen and sit down at the kitchen table.
Dane,
By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. I’m sorry for leaving this way, but you have to understand. I’ve held people back and been in the way my whole life. I can’t do that to you, not to you. You’ve given me so much: your love, your life, your strength. I’ve never given you anything. So, this is what I’m giving you: your chance.
This is your chance to live your life for you, not me. Go on that tour, play your guitar, and sing your heart out. Do this for me, please. Take your chance, live your life, and forget about me. Please, don’t look for me. By the time you see this, I’ll be long gone anyway. I love you so much — don’t ever forget that.
Alissa.
I fold the paper in half and set it between the salt and pepper shakers on the kitchen table. I dry my eyes and push my chair back. When I stand, I take a long look around the place. This was my first real home. The first place I ever felt wanted and loved. And now, it’s time to leave it like I’ve left so many others.
I can do this.
I walk back into the bedroom and grab my bag of clothes. One last time, I sit on our bed and smell his pillow, his scent still rich on the fabric. God, I’m going to miss him like I’d miss my heart if it was separated from my body.
Who am I kidding? When I walk out of here, I will be leaving my heart behind. All these years, I didn’t even think I had a heart. Now that I know I do have one, I’m going to have to learn how to live without it.
Throwing my bag over my shoulder, I move toward the door, and with my hand on the light switch, I look back at the room. Memories wash over me. The first time we stepped into this room, and he pinned me to that wall and kissed me like I was the air he breathes. Lying with him in this bed night after night, listening to him sing to me, hearing him tell me over and over again how important I am and how much he loves me.
I’m going to break his heart.
With that thought, I flip off the light and turn my back to the bedroom. I’m walking down the dark hallway when the front door slams shut and he screams my name.
I stop dead in my tracks when he turns the darkened corner and sees me standing with a bag on my arm.
“What the hell are you doing? Why did you leave?”
Tears well up in my eyes again. “I’m sorry, I have to go. You should get back to your show.” I force my feet to move. I need to get out of here. I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.
As I pass by him, he latches onto the bag on my arm. “What’s this?”
I turn and look at him. He reads the expression on my face. I know because his brows draw together before a look of pure pain covers his face.
“You’re leaving me?”
I bite my lower lip and nod, averting my eyes to the ground because I can’t stand to see the pain I’m causing him.
“Why?”
I know if I tell him the real reason, he’ll just argue it. So, I lie. “I just can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.” I turn for the door, but he grabs my arm and spins me around.
“Please, tell me what I did wrong. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for whatever it was. Just… please don’t leave.” His eyes are filled with unshed tears. Just looking at him is killing me. How could I do this to him? It’s for his own good, I remind myself.
My chest tightens, feeling like the pressure will stop my heart completely. “I can’t, Dane. Please, just let me go.” I tug my arm away from him and take another step toward the door, but I’m stopped when he falls to his knees and latches on around my waist.
“Please, stop! Let’s talk about this. Is it the band? Am I spending more time with them than you? I’ll stop. We’ll only practice once a week. I just want you,” he pleads and bargains.
I shake my head. “It’s not the band.”
“Please, just tell me what it is.”
I make a mistake. I look into his hurt-filled eyes. Eyes that are usually dark and filled with a spark of mischief are now dull and clouded with pain. I have to take his pain away. I have to trade it out for something.
Hate.
I have to make him hate me. If he hates me, he’ll let me go.
“Dane, let go. I have to go.”
“No, not until you tell me why.”
I scramble for something, for anything. “Dane, let go.”
“No, tell me!”
I look down at him, hate filling me. Not hate for him but hate for myself. I hate myself for what I’m about to say, but I have to say it. I have to make him let me go. “I cheated on you. It’s
over. Now, let me go.”
He lets go and looks up at me. “You cheated on me? With who?” His heart is breaking before me, and it almost cripples me.
I shake my head. I can’t tell him a name because it didn’t happen, and I can’t throw someone under the bus like that. I’ve never even dreamt of letting another guy touch me. It’s always been Dane, ever since I walked past him leaning against his car on that first day of school. Before I even knew his name, I belonged to him.
I open the door and step out.
“Who?” Dane screams before I shut the door quietly behind me. I throw my bag into the cab of my truck and get behind the wheel. Tears fall freely from my eyes. I don’t even bother to try and stop them anymore, I know they won’t stop anyway.
I rest my head against the steering wheel, trying to control my breathing. My eyes are so blurred with tears that I can’t see to drive. I twist the key, and the truck fires up.
“Alissa!” Dane screams from the now open front door.
I shift the truck into reverse, but he runs up to my window, pounding on the glass. “Who was it? Fucking tell me!”
I shake my head and slowly push on the gas. “Please just stop. I have to go,” I cry out, hoping he can hear me.
As if the universe can feel what we’re going through, the sky opens up and rain falls freely, soaking him. His dark hair falls into his bloodshot eyes.
“Stop, Alissa. Don’t do this!” he yells while pushing his wet hair out of his face. He takes a step back, and I take the opportunity to hit the gas, flying backwards out of the driveway.
I stop in the road and shift into drive just as he runs toward my truck. I stomp the gas and leave him behind me.
I look into the rearview mirror to see him fall to his hands and knees in the middle of the road.
Anger and pain consume me, causing me to cry out. I pound on the steering wheel, trying to take out some aggression while the lines on the road blur together from the rain and my tear-filled eyes.
As much as I hate myself, I can’t help but feel like I’ve finally done something right for once. My life may be ruined, but his isn’t, and that’s what matters.
He’s free now.
He can go on tour and make a name for himself. He’ll be signed in a heartbeat, I know he will. He’ll go off and do big things. Things he’d never be able to achieve with me by his side.
I drive all night long and don’t stop until I can barely hold my eyes open. I pull into a rundown motel and pay for eight hours. When I open the door, his loss is felt the most.
Hours ago, I pushed away all feeling, causing myself to just be numb. But now, now that I’m not moving, it’s all catching up to me and crashing down, drowning me. I fall onto the bed and curl up into a ball, crying myself to sleep.
When I wake up, I push myself forward. I take a shower, dress, and get back into my truck, so I can run further away.
I end up in Tennessee and it seems like as good a place as any to stop. I’m tired of running. I need to find a place to settle down, get a job, and try to find some normalcy. Losing Dane will be something I feel for the rest of my life, but it’s just something I have to deal with. I couldn’t go back now even if I wanted to. I made him hate me.
I’m sitting in a coffee shop, drinking coffee after coffee, trying to numb my already fractured mind. The shop is busy and filled with many people coming and going and waitresses bustling through. A short girl with a tiny waist and black hair comes into the shop. She walks up onto the small stage and opens a guitar case that holds an old acoustic guitar. She sits down on the stool and pulls the microphone closer to her.
“Hello, everyone. I’m Laney, I’m here every Sunday, and I’m currently looking for a record deal if anyone finds one lying around.”
I laugh at her dry humor. What kind of sick joke is this?
She begins strumming the guitar, and the song she plays is some off version of “Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica.
Tears automatically fill my eyes. The way she sings the song is hauntingly beautiful. It fills my ears and makes my heart hurt even more. Dane’s face flashes behind my eyes, and I shudder from pain, from loneliness, from heartbreak.
I didn’t think it was possible, but I hate myself even more. He did everything for me, and I hurt him. I left him crying for me in the middle of the street like I didn’t care. He probably thinks I hate him. I wish I could tell him how much I really love him.
I zone out the rest of the song, and every song she sings afterwards for that matter. I can’t hear music. Everything, doesn’t matter what it is, makes me think of him. How he loved me and how I left him hurting.
“Hey, can I sit here?”
My head pops up, and I find the girl who was singing, standing next to my table, holding a cup of coffee.
“Yeah, I guess.”
She sits down and takes a sip while studying me. “What’s wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?” I shoot back.
She seems taken back. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, what kind of person asks to sit with someone that looks like they’re going through a mental breakdown?”
She laughs. “You don’t look like you’re going through a mental breakdown.” Her eyes look me up and down. “Are you dangerous?”
I laugh. I can’t help it. And it sounds strange coming from my mouth because I didn’t think I’d ever laugh again. “No. Not unless you count heartbroken as dangerous.”
She shrugs one shoulder. “Sometimes that can be dangerous. I’m Laney.”
“I know. I heard you say it on stage.”
“And you are?” Her eyes grow wider, and her brows lift, almost as if she’s reminding me of my manners.
“Alissa.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Alissa. Are you from around here?”
I cross my arms over my chest and lean back in the booth. “Are you hitting on me, because I don’t swing that way. My breakup was with a guy.”
“God, you’re kind of a bitch.” She laughs. “And no, I’m not hitting on you. You just looked like you could use a friend, but with that sparkling attitude, I can see why you don’t have any.”
“Well, I must look friendly enough to approach or you wouldn’t be sitting here right now.”
“Actually, I don’t scare easily. Lucky for you.” She grins, and her dark eyes light up.
“Why is that lucky for me?”
“Because I’ve been looking for a roommate. You need a place to stay?”
I lean forward and take a drink of my coffee. “I’m not sure. I don’t know if I’m staying yet.”
“Why’s that?” she asks, leaning in.
“I don’t know if I’m far enough away. I can still feel him.”
“So, I’m guessing he broke up with you?”
I shake my head. “No, I broke up with him. But it was for his own good.”
She takes this into consideration, sipping her coffee. “So, what do you say?”
“To moving in with you? You don’t even know me. I could be a psycho.”
“Someone who sacrifices their own happiness for someone else can’t be a psycho.”
I roll my eyes. “Well then, you could be a psycho.”
She points her long finger at me. “You’ve got me there. But my apartment has a great view, and I’m also a bartender and can make some killer mixed drinks. Sounds kind of worth it to me.” She winks her darkly lined eye at me.
I laugh again. “What the hell else am I going to do?”
She shrugs. “Well there’s this bridge that all the homeless people sleep under, but if you want a spot there you’d better get going. It’s first come, first serve,” she jokes.
I wrinkle my nose. “I think I’ll pass on that one.” I stand up. “Come on, show me where this great apartment of yours is.”
Laney shows me to her apartment and she’s right, it’s awesome. It’s on the ninth floor with a great view. Polished hardwood floo
rs throughout, a big living room surrounded with large glass windows, a nice kitchen full of top-of-the-line appliances, and two big bedrooms with walk-in closets.
“Wow. How much is rent for this place?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. My parents own it. They let me live here for free.”
“So, why do you need a roommate?”
She hands me a beer from the fridge. “I don’t need a roommate, I want one. It’s lonely staying here all by myself.”
I take a drink and set the beer down on the granite counter top. “Okay, you are crazy.”
She laughs. “I don’t go to school, and I only work part-time at a local bar. I get lonely.”
“Why don’t you go to school?”
“I’m trying to get discovered.” She holds out her arms and bats her eyelashes.
“And your parents are cool with you living off their dime?”
She walks around the island and sits down at a stool. “They have a lot of them.” She laughs and shakes her head. “They have money. This was just an apartment for my dad to stay in when he came to town on business, but when I decided to drop out of college and chase this crazy dream, they said I could stay here. They knew I’d come regardless of having a place to stay. At least if I stay here, they know I’m safe.”
I roll my eyes. “Lucky.”
“What’s your story? What are you running away from?”
“I’m in the foster system. I ran away.”
“How old are you?”
“Seventeen, almost eighteen.”
“Are they looking for you?”
“No way. My foster dad is just cashing the checks they send him. By the time they realize I’m not staying there anymore, I’ll be eighteen and no longer the state’s problem.”
She starts peeling the label off her beer bottle. “So, the guy you broke it off with?”
I take a long breath and sit next to her. “He did get discovered. Busted Lip wanted him to go on tour with them, but he wouldn’t go because of me. So, I made the decision for him.”
“Busted Lip? Are you serious? I saw them back in Miami. They’re are awesome, and they wanted your boyfriend?”
Giving Up My Chance at Forever_Prequel Page 12