I AM HERE TO KILL YOU

by Chris Westlake

  "What's that?"

  "All good-looking guys are the same. They think they can get away with whatever they want."

  Apinya looks at me intently, absorbing this revelation.

  "The other problem is that Kat doesn't really do much to stop him getting what he wants, does she?"

  We huddle close now, like a half-time team talk. "What do you mean?"

  "Kat is a beautiful girl. I'm so jealous of her pretty face. But let's be honest, she carries too much weight, doesn't she?"

  Apinya's jaw drops. She can't believe I've said something so outrageous. She is so glad I said it first.

  "She can be so frumpy," she says.

  "It's not fair on Ray, is it? I bet she didn't look like that when he married her. That's not what he signed up to. It's not fair on him."

  Apinya shakes her head, struggles to hide her glee.

  "I sense troubled waters ahead," I say.

  Apinya smiles. She'd love some drama.

  "So what about you?" I ask.

  "Me?"

  I move aside our milkshakes. I can see her properly now.

  "Is the marital bed still as vibrant as when you first got together?"

  Apinya gasps. "We do have sex, just not as much as I'd like. We are married. It is hard..."

  "He gets hard? That's a good start..."

  She puts her hand to her mouth, giggling hysterically. "You know what I mean, Sheena. Marriage is hard..."

  "Does he ever initiate sex?"

  She thinks for a moment and then shakes her head. I look away. Let her sweat.

  "In my mind, Apinya, you're the opposite of Kat. You obviously look after yourself for him. You're a wonderful wife..."

  "I am..."

  "Too good. You're not a mug..."

  "What?"

  "You need to think of yourself for a change. Be more selfish."

  Apinya's eyes widen. "Oh yes?"

  "You cook. You clean. You have sex with him. I'd say Bernard has done very well out of this transaction, wouldn't you?"

  "Transaction?"

  I slap my hand down on the table. Apinya flinches. "Oh come on," I say. "I thought we were being open and honest here. I thought that's the kind of friendship we have now? Bernard paid for you to come here, didn't he? I'm just saying you've fulfilled your side of the bargain..."

  "Yes. I have."

  "But you want sex and he clearly doesn't. That doesn't sound fair."

  "It isn't."

  "You have needs, Apinya. All women have needs."

  She nods her head. "I have my toys."

  "Toys? That's pathetic, girl."

  "Uh - don't all women have toys, Sheena?"

  "Only the women who can't get a man. Listen, if your husband doesn't want sex with you, Apinya, then there are plenty of men who do..."

  "I couldn't do that to him..."

  She is almost asking. Pleading. She wants reassurance that - yes - she can do that.

  "It's only fair on Bernard, Apinya. Think how awful he feels for not giving you what you need...."

  "Well, I did make him feel pretty bad the last time he didn't perform very well," she says.

  I stifle a laugh. An angry Apinya is probably a sight to behold.

  "What about Ray? He looks like he could sort you out..."

  Apinya gasps. She is so melodramatic. Has nobody never suggested she fuck her friend's husband before? What sort of a town is this? She vehemently shakes her head.

  "Okay. Spoilsport. Leave him for me..."

  Her eyes widen before she bursts into hysterics.

  "What about that young guy with Ray? He looks like he knows his way around the female body. And let's be fair, his eyes haven't left your body since we sat down..."

  Apinya glances over. She doesn't say anything, but this kitten looks as though she's just been given her milk.

  Yes, I think, considering that chess board.

  The pieces are really beginning to slot into the right places.

  Monday 12th November 2018

  Katherine

  My heart sinks when the doorbell rings.

  Surely, it is never good news when somebody unexpectedly rings your door? What are the chances that it is - for example - the smiley Postcode Lottery crew, here to tell me I'm now a millionaire? Very unlikely. That's why it's called a lottery. I haven't ordered anything, and Ray never does; he worries that I'll eat it. It is probably somebody selling something I really don't want or absolutely can't afford. Or, God forbid, it is somebody delivering terrible news. Is Ray okay?

  I'm surprised and relieved when I pull open the door and Sheena stands on my doorstep, blonde hair impossibly shiny and pale skin annoyingly flawless.

  "Oh, hi. What are you doing here?"

  "Charming."

  We both laugh. I stand to the side to let her in. "Sorry! I didn't mean it like that. Just surprised that's all. Didn't realise you even knew where I live. Is something wrong?"

  Sheena stretches her long legs out on the sofa. How does she enter somebody else's home and instantly be so relaxed? I never feel comfortable in somebody else's home. Do they want me to put my cup on their dining table? Should I take my shoes off? Should I be telling them their home is beautiful? Am I telling them too many times that their home is beautiful?

  "Why on earth should something be wrong, darling?"

  I shrug my shoulders. "Nobody ever visits unless something is wrong."

  Sheena purses her lips. I know what she's thinking. How pathetic does that sound? I stifle an embarrassed laugh. "Oh God, listen to me! I don't mean ever. Just usually..."

  Sheena slaps her thigh, laughing. I can't help but notice how long and lean and tanned her legs are. I bite my lip. How does she do it? I never hear her talk about exercising.

  I sort out the drinks and then sit down opposite her. I'm not too sure if I'm too close, or too far away. Sheena raises a knee to her chest. She doesn't seem to have any insecurities. I'm aware that - if I dared to look - I could see all the way to the top of her thigh. I focus on her eyes, like a man talking to a woman with big boobs.

  "I just came for a chat, Kat. I do so enjoy your company, you know. You have been on my mind a lot recently. This sounds terrible to say, and I'm not sure how to say it, but you do worry me sometimes."

  "Worry you?"

  "Nothing to worry about. Hold on - that doesn't make sense, does it? It's a few minor things."

  "A few? Oh fuck."

  We both laugh.

  "What was going on with you and that Tess girl?"

  I look away. Does she miss anything?

  "What do you mean?"

  "Come on, Kat. Don't treat me like an idiot. Show me some respect."

  I can't tell her everything. Just enough. For now. "I don't know. It's probably nothing. Just something she said sounded familiar..."

  "You don't trust Ray, do you?"

  I tried to say little, but I've said too much. I try to shut the box. "Well, he's a man, isn't he? Can any of them really be trusted?"

  Lines form around her lips. This was the right thing to say. "There's one other thing, darling..."

  My curved eyebrows tell her to continue.

  "I'm just worried about your self-esteem, that's all..."

  "What self-esteem?"

  "Exactly!"

  "But why would I have any self-esteem?"

  "Oh for fuck's sake, Katherine."

  I look away now. I don't want Sheena to see my watery eyes, to take in the flush to my cheeks.

  "You know the first thing I saw when I met you?" Sheena asks.

  I shake my head. My fingers twist.

  "Why-oh-why is this beautiful woman hiding?"

  I laugh. Is she ridiculing me? It has been years since anybody thought I was beautiful.

  "Why is she covering herself up? Why is she making herself look dumpy?"

  "Nobody wants to see my flabby body, Sheena. I feel terrible for people when part of me accidentally pops out. I think they'll need counselling..."
>
  My smile fades when I turn and spot her face, utterly expressionless. Surely she knows I'm joking? Surely she knows I'm at least partly joking? Sheena shakes her head. What is that look? Disgust? Contempt? I pull my arms over my chest.

  "You do know you're gorgeous, don't you?"

  "Don't be ridiculous. I used to be nice looking. Not anymore."

  She pulls her head back at the sharpness of my words. Her incisors look sharp.

  "Why don't you love yourself, Kat?"

  "Is this a counselling session?"

  She ignores the creases in my cheeks, my attempt to deflect her questions.

  "Men like skinny girls," I say. "They might say they don't but they're lying. And what do I care? Ray is the only man that matters, and he likes the way I look..."

  "Does he even notice?"

  How fucking dare she? I dig my nails into my hand. Am I pissed with her, or am I pissed because she's right?

  "So you're a little overweight. If it makes you unhappy, why don't you lose it?"

  I blow out air. "If only it was that easy, Sheena. Have you ever heard of comfort eating? I've tried losing weight. I get fed up. And then I wonder why I'm bothering, because nobody gives a shit. So to cheer myself up, I eat some crap. Not surprisingly, this approach doesn't help me lose weight."

  Sheena grins. The lines disappear. Her face softens. "I understand comfort eating, girl. But people only do it because they're sad. It's like I said in the river. Things are going to get so much better for you, girl. So we need to work on adding some fun to your world-"

  "Again, easier said than done..."

  "We'll work on it together. You hear? I'm sorry if I sound harsh, Kat. I've played it over and over in my mind how to raise the issue. I decided it was best I just play it straight. That way you know I'm being honest-"

  "I appreciate your honesty," I lie.

  Sheena shuffles her body forward. "Seriously though, I think you'll feel fantastic if you lose a bit. We'll get healthy together. I think part of the problem is you haven't given yourself a real reason for losing weight. I think you need a reward, something that makes the effort worthwhile..."

  "Such as?"

  I look away, but her eyes are so fixed on me I have no choice but to look back.

  "I don't care what you say, but Ray doesn't give a shit what you look like. I can just tell from the way you speak about him. And that's wonderful when you think about it, isn't it? He loves you whatever you look like. But there are plenty of guys out there who really do care."

  "So what are you saying? I should do it for other guys? Why? And besides, I couldn't live with the guilt..."

  "I'm not saying you need to fuck them, Kat. Just get them to notice you. Let them make you feel alive. I assure you, it will make you feel amazing, and if you feel amazing..."

  "I won't need to comfort eat."

  Sheena gives me a high-five, just like she did in the group. My heart beats fast. I try to ignore it. I know it is because I'm excited. I know it's because I'm turned on by the thought of other men noticing me, by the thought of other men wanting me. God, how long has it been since that happened? Nearly thirty years, that's how long. His eyes were all over me when we first met.

  "You are terrible," I say, slapping Sheena's wrist.

  She laughs outrageously. "That's why you love me."

  I nod. I'm not sure if I love or hate her, but I definitely feel something. I think I could cope with hate right now so long as it evokes an emotional reaction.

  "Let's do this," I say.

  Sheena doesn't say anything. She just pulls her body close to mine. I inhale the subtle, feminine perfume.

  Both our heads jerk up when the front door opens. The movements down the hallway are so heavy, so rapid, we both flinch. Is somebody breaking in? My fists tighten.

  Ray appears in the living room. His wide shoulders barely fit through the door. His fists are balled, his jaw is tight. I could just imagine him saving children from burning fires. I need a hero.

  "Rose has been arrested," he says.

  We both gasp.

  "They think she murdered her husband..."

  Seven months later

  Thursday 6th June 2019

  Katherine

  The troubled, choppy waters of winter are a distant memory. Now it feels like the tantrum has passed; the river lies quiet and exhausted. Only, I was always told to worry when it was quiet. Why was the world silenced? Was it the quiet before the storm?

  Winter has gone. Spring is passing. Summer awaits us.

  Pressing my hands down flat, I'm aware of the dryness of the grass. Just months ago, my hands sunk into the dark, sodden mud. My shoes lie abandoned next to my outstretched legs, just metres from the river bank. I wouldn't have done that so long ago, either; who doesn't deplore soggy socks? I consider protecting my face from the sun; don't get carried away, Kat. The breeze cools my face like a fan in a doctor's waiting room. Inevitably, my mind wanders. My memories appear from behind the rock.

  My gaze is instinctively drawn to a spot in the water, a circle, maybe two metres wide. That's where it happened. All those years ago. That's why the villagers pity me, the reason they understand my dour demeanour, why they allow my gloominess. You'd be sad if both your parents drowned, years after your older brother was brutally murdered, wouldn't you?

  I can pinpoint when everything changed. Ben must have been sixteen, because he was hiding away in his room studying for his O Levels. We assumed he'd pass the exams with flying colours, move on to A Levels before heading off to university. Hooray! I didn't share everybody's excitement. I missed my big brother. His room was my room; I floated between the two. As we moved to Easter and the examinations loomed, however, the colour faded from his sun-deprived cheeks and he demanded we knock at his door before entering. At first I thought he was joking. Okay, Big Brother, that rule can apply to Mum and Dad, but surely it doesn't apply to your little sister? But it did. He was pushing me away, too.

  I knocked on his bedroom door one Saturday morning.

  "Who is it?"

  "Kitty Kat."

  "Come in."

  The stale air instantly dried my skin. Ben sat on his bed, a text book lying on his lap with his legs outstretched. Perfect rings circled his eyes. When was the last time he had a shower? He pulled at the bed sheet as I perched on the edge of his bed. This no longer felt like our bedroom. He was protective of his territory.

  "What's up?" I asked.

  "The same old. Studying."

  "Why don't you get a break? We could go for a walk. Head into town. Buy some cassettes."

  "Maybe later. Just want to get this finished first."

  My brother no longer felt so big, he no longer looked so handsome. He appeared shrunken and dishevelled. I wasn't sure if I'd feel proud or embarrassed walking the streets with him now. My heart dropped. Running out of options, I reached out and tickled him under the armpits. This was our thing. Squirming, he kicked out with his legs. His body shifted to the edge of the bed, up against the wall. The bed sheet moved with him. Something cold grazed against my cold leg. My brother's face froze, like I'd pressed the pause button on the remote control. His eyes pleaded for me not to look down. How could I resist? I looked down.

  "What's this?" I asked.

  "It's not what it looks like."

  I knew what it was, and I knew it was exactly what it looked like. My fingers thumbed the pages of the magazine, bringing a welcome breeze to my hot cheeks. Unclothed men smiled at me. One poor man had a stapled midriff. A couple of pages stuck together.

  "How long have you felt like this?" I asked.

  "Like what?"

  I didn't say anything. My look said it all.

  Ben scraped at his knee with a nail. "All my life, I guess. I can't ever remember feeling any different, I know that."

  My older brother responded to my outstretched arms. His chest shook against my shoulder. My hand patted his back. This was the first time I ever recall looking after him. It w
as always the other way around.

  "It feels so good that you know," he said. "It feels amazing that you don't mind."

  I pulled away so that he looked deep into my eyes. "Why would I mind? What difference does this make? You're still my amazing big brother, Ben."

  The dimples in his cheeks reminded me how long it had been since he smiled.

  "I just hope Mum and Dad feel the same way."

  I looked away. His eyes followed me.

  "What is it?" he asked.

  "Nothing."

  His hand gripped my wrist. I'd forgotten how strong he was. "What is it?"

  "Why are you telling Mum and Dad?" I asked. "What good will that do?"

  "Should I be ashamed?"

  "No! Of course not. But you know what they're like. They come from a different generation to us. You know they're deeply religious. Remember the line from Leviticus-"

  "'You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination'. I know it all too well, Kat. Do you think the words haven't taunted me all my life?"

  "Why don't we just keep this a secret? Between me and you. Just like the old days. Just for now?"

  I kissed his lowered head. We did keep it a secret. It wasn't just for now. We never told Mum and Dad. And then - just like that - my brother was gone.

  Looking out at the loping, green and brown water now, my mind doesn't rest. The images of twelve years ago are as vivid as if it happens right in front of me. Right now. My parents' outstretched arms flapping above the surface. Their whitened, flat hands slapping down against the water. The life draining from their pinched, anguished faces. The desperate shrieks fading. And then - most deafening of all - the silence.

  "Thought I'd find you here."

  I flinch. Rocking back and forth, with my arms hugging my knees (pulled tight to my chest), I feel exposed. Not exposed because of my body, but because of the rebounding thoughts in my mind. She must notice my surprise, for she holds up her upturned hands. Her figure casts a shadow over me. The villagers have excitedly gossiped about her over the last six months or so. I know more than anyone that nothing sells better than bad news. I know what they've said; I've heard it often enough, from friends, from the women in the group, from my own fucking husband. I picture her now as the whole town has pictured her - standing over a dead body, gripping a blood-stained knife.