To Forgive & Hold Safe (The Broken Men Chronicles Book 4)

by Decevito, Carey

  I nodded. What man truly was? Life would be too boring if we didn’t have a little bad boy nature in us. Some guys just happened to possess more than others, and turned it into a lifestyle.

  “Lee may have appeared put-together, but he had a dark side,” she said.

  “Anne.” Adam shook his head. “Let’s not-”

  She snorted before ignoring her husband and turned to me to explain. “Lee loved to drink. Hell, he loved to party. I didn’t think it was that big of an issue, mainly because we only saw him at large family events and everyone enjoyed themselves, Hannah included.”

  “That’s hardly anything bad,” I said to which Adam snorted and that gained my attention. There was something more to this story.

  Anne’s next words came out with a growl akin one of motherly protection. “True, but it is when he became an ungrateful and abusive bastard.”

  “What?” Adam exploded. “If that-”

  “Honey, please let me explain,” she said.

  Adam and I listened as Anne told us about Lee. The more she went on, the more I found myself looking at Hannah and wondering why she had ever stayed with him. She had a heart – a good one at that – but she was naïve and it had cost her some happiness over the years.

  Lee, as it turns out, was an alcoholic. The only time he drank was for work and family functions, which pretty much was all of the time. Soon enough, he’d quit hiding his need for his vice altogether.

  “It wasn’t until he got charged with a DUI a month ago that Hannah called me crying. I made her come clean.” Anne brushed a tear from her cheek. “He was an abusive drunk when provoked. I didn’t know for sure, but I’d suspected something the last few times we got together.”

  “Why didn’t you-?” Adam’s fists were clutched at his sides, anger evident.

  “She didn’t want you to know everything yet because she was terrified of how you’d react,” she told her husband. “She has such a big heart. You know our Hannah. She didn’t want to leave him because we taught her that when you love someone, you don’t desert them in their greatest time of need. After she told me about what was going on though, I think she’d figured out that there comes a time… I think she was planning to leave him.”

  I nodded and looked over at Adam whose gaze was upon his daughter, his lips in a thin line, his eyes soft and sad.

  “As bad as it may seem, maybe this heartbreak might give her the chance to start fresh,” Anne said and locked her gaze on me. “She needs something good in her life, just like you do, Ben.”

  My heart began to race. “What makes you think that I don’t have that?”

  “Have you truly moved on in the last three years?” Her eyes were locked with mine in that maternal gaze of assessment mothers often have. “I may be happily married to Adam, but I’m not blind, Benjamin. You should have a woman by your side, and you don’t.”

  “She’s right, you know,” Adam said.

  “I just haven’t found anyone.” Truth was I didn’t want anyone until very recently. “I’m fine here talking with you folks.”

  “That’s nice of you to say.” Anne smiled. “But you need-”

  “Look, I can’t give my heart to anyone when there’s barely any of it left to give,” I said. “No one wants an emotionless monster who can’t love them right. I may want to find someone, but after today’s blow… I couldn’t even keep the woman I loved happy. What makes you think that I can with someone else?” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” Anne’s hand squeezed my upper arm. “For feeling? For telling us exactly how you think of yourself? You have far too small of an opinion of yourself, boy. Your mother may not be here to tell you because you’ve pushed her away, so I see fit to tell you like it is. You’re a good man. A man who promised something to a stranger, and kept his word. From where I’m standing, you’re as good as they get. You’re no emotional cripple. You feel just fine. You’re still grieving because you haven’t allowed yourself to go through the process. You haven’t fully committed to the grief. Your feelings of guilt are for things that were out of your control. You’re mad because-”

  “Because everything over the last ten years has been a lie,” I whispered.

  Anne nodded. “It’s a huge blow and I get that, but Ben, don’t you want to be happy again?”

  Did I want to be happy again?

  Now that was a loaded question!

  Leaving my home and cell numbers with the Donners, so they could call me if they needed anything, I chose to ponder Anne’s words on my way home.

  Except I never went home.

  Parked on the street, I grabbed Candace’s journals and got out of the car, relieved that the lights were still on. I walked up to the door and knocked rather than using the doorbell and waited.

  “Benjamin!”

  “Hi, Mama.”

  Chapter 11

  My mother held me as if I were her little boy again. With my head buried in her neck, I soaked up the comfort she offered and allowed my reeling emotions to take over, despite us standing there on the front porch for the neighborhood to see.

  “Son?” I looked up to find my father standing in the entrance. He seemed just about as shocked as my mother had been to see me standing there.

  I didn’t have to say anything. My father hurried to my mother and me, and wrapped his arms around both of us.

  “What is this?” Dad asked when we pulled apart and he was eying the notebooks in my arms.

  Mom pulled me through the threshold as Dad closed the front door behind us.

  “It’s a long story is what it is, Dad.”

  My feet carried me to the living room and I plopped myself down on the couch, leaving the books on the coffee table.

  I held the bridge of my nose between thumb and forefinger and sighed, resigned to tell my parents everything I knew; to talk to them like I once was able to. “It was all a lie according to these.” I motioned toward the brown leather-bound books.

  For the first time since before the accident, I was able to open up quite easily. My father listened with his face studious and lips in a thin line with my mother at his side, crying silent tears as I delivered a play-by-play of what had transpired since the night of Mike and Nikki’s wedding.

  As I finished, I sighed. “I feel so foolish.”

  “You shouldn’t,” Dad said. “She hid it well from everyone. Have you talked to Betty and Don about this?”

  “No, but now I think that’s why they’ve been around more lately.”

  Mom cursed under her breath. “So you think they knew and never told you?”

  “I have a feeling that they’ve known and wanted to tell me for a while now. They must have given up on waiting. They dropped the box of her office stuff on my doorstep this morning.”

  I was beginning to think of Candace’s parents’ intrusion as somewhat of a blessing in disguise. How much longer would I have denied them the transfer of those belongings had they not forced it? How long would I have been in the dark, before knowing that my marriage was a sham?

  “I think you owe them a visit,” Mom said. “Give them a chance to explain things, and if they don’t know about these diaries, then I suggest that maybe you tell them.”

  “I don’t know, Mom.”

  “They’re your family too,” Dad said. “Just because she’s gone doesn’t mean that-”

  “I know, all right?” I said. “I just… I don’t know what to say. This news is going to hurt them.”

  Mom nodded, but Dad said, “It might, but the truth needs to come out for everyone involved. I think it’s time to put the past to rest, don’t you?”

  I spent the next half-hour uttering profuse apologies for my pushing them to the side, and explained all that was going on in my life. Mom had moved to my side and held my hand.

  “I told you that he’d come to his senses,” Dad said to my mother.

  I hated to think as to how much longer I would have remained withdrawn had that box
never appeared and forced me to start accepting things.

  “So how’s that lady doing?” Mom asked about Hannah.

  As if I hadn’t shared enough with my folks, I launched into more details about Hannah, how her accident had made me feel, how worried I was for her – both physically and emotionally – and her folks.

  Chapter 12

  I woke in my childhood bed, having been unable to return home last night, too exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

  The smell of bacon, eggs and the slew of fixings Mom was cooking made my mouth water and stomach rumble.

  I didn’t care that I needed to be at the pub in half an hour.

  Checking my cell, a sigh of relief escaped me that I hadn’t missed a call from the Donners.

  Straightening my hair, I headed downstairs to find Dad at the table, reading the morning paper with a coffee, and Mom rushing about. The sight of them made me smile.

  “Glad to see nothing’s changed.”

  “Good morning, baby,” Mom said as I brushed by her, kissing the top of her head while reaching for the coffee pot. “How’d you sleep?”

  It was then that I realized that I had actually slept. No insomnia. No night terrors. Nothing. “I might move back in if I can sleep as well as I did last night.”

  Dad looked up from his paper. “Don’t give your mother any ideas.”

  I chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your hair after breakfast.”

  Leaving my childhood home had taken a bit longer than predicted, but it was well worth it to see both my parents beaming with joy, to feel the warmth of our connection filling me once again.

  Mom held on to me much longer than necessary.

  “I’ll be back this weekend, I promise.” I kissed my mother’s cheek.

  She backed away and looked up at me and grinned. “In that case, I’m cooking your favorite.”

  My stomach rumbled again despite it being full.

  “Leave now before you bleed my fridge dry,” Dad said, giving me one of his man-hugs.

  I laughed. “I doubt you’d complain, old man. It would get you out of the house and away from Mom long enough for you to miss her.”

  “Shh,” he said in my ear. “She’s not supposed to know that that’s how I feel when we’re apart.”

  “I heard that,” Mom said and wrapped her arms around my father’s waist after he released me.

  “I love you guys.” I felt the ball of emotions lodge in my throat. “I know I haven’t-”

  “We know.” Mom cupped my cheek. “Now go. I have some business to settle with your father.” She winked.

  I opened my car door to get in, and turned toward them one last time. “Good luck, Dad.”

  “Lucky is exactly how I feel.” He smacks Mom’s butt good naturedly.

  I shook my head at their antics, regardless of the jealousy I felt at the playfulness between the two. They seemed younger-looking since last night. That alone offered me comfort. I’d done the right thing – for once – by letting them in again.

  I got in my car, started the engine, and bid them a final goodbye with a honk of my horn as I drove off.

  Chapter 13

  Over the next few days, work dragged on, despite it being busy. I shocked my employees by handing them extra shifts as I took my evenings off, coming back to help close down at the end of each day.

  I knew I didn’t have to – I had staff I trusted explicitly – but I didn’t want to be an absentee boss all of a sudden. I had more than enough having to explain myself to Derek who had taken a sudden interest in my life, labelling me a workaholic. He was all too pleased about my sudden need for personal time as he delivered his latest diatribe on enjoying life.

  With my newfound free time, I’d made a habit of dropping by the hospital to check up on Hannah. During this time, if we were alone, I’d read her passages from Candace’s journals, as well as talk to her.

  When Anne and Adam popped in, I’d chat with them, learning more about their daughter as they reminisced about her childhood, the things she’d accomplished, and what her hopes and dreams had been. They were so very proud of her.

  The more I heard about her, the more I liked the woman who still had yet to wake. She had more substance to her personality, even still unconscious, than so many women I had come across over the years.

  It was Thursday when I got the call before I left work, and headed to the hospital. I had taken the entire night off, Derek offering to take care of the close. Peering at the number, my heart escalated to a thunderous rhythm.

  “Hello?”

  “They took her off the ventilator,” Anne said in place of a greeting.

  I was glad that I was sitting down. “They’re not giving-?”

  “No, silly!” She added what sounded like a teary giggle. “She’s ready to breathe on her own!”

  “That’s great!” I smiled at her excitement, feeling some of my own bubbling up. “Did they say anything about her waking up?”

  There was a pause. “No, nothing as of yet, but I’m not giving up. We’re not giving up.”

  “That’s good. That’s really good, Anne. I’m sure Adam is relieved as well.”

  She hummed confirmation. “Will you be by later? Adam wanted to take me out to celebrate but I don’t want to leave Hannah. What if-?”

  “I’ll be there.”

  When I entered the hospital room, Hannah had never looked better. Most of the visible bruising had faded to the point of being barely noticeable. I could see her entire face now, no longer occluded by that breathing tube and the ties that had held it in place. I’m not sure what it was, but she radiated beauty today.

  I only realized that the Donners were in the room with me when Adam broke the silence. “A sight for sore eyes isn’t she?”

  “Very,” I said, and then turned to face the man whose wife was smiling at me. “What I mean is-”

  “We know what you mean,” Anne said.

  I changed the subject. “You two look like you’re fit for one heck of a night.” I gave Anne a curt nod, smiling. “You look beautiful.”

  Hannah’s mother blushed. “Aren’t you a charmer!”

  “Well, he’s right.” Adam kissed the top of her head.

  I couldn’t help but smile at them.

  “My mother taught me to pay a beautiful woman a compliment when due.” I shuffled my foot in a bashful way.

  “You two will be the death of me.” She swatted at her husband playfully. “We need Hannah to wake up already and even out the playing field. Did you hear that, honey?” She walked up to Hannah’s bedside and I backed away to give her more room. “Why don’t you open those beautiful eyes for your mama? Your father and I would love to have loads more to celebrate tonight. We’ll be back, baby girl, first thing in the morning.”

  “Just in case you’re wondering,” Adam began, “Hannah’s been twitching. The doctors said that it’s a reflex because the sedative they gave her, while she was on the ventilator, is wearing off.”

  I nodded. “Enjoy your night out. You two deserve it.”

  Anne took me into her arms and hugged me nice and tight. I’d grown used to it by now and I hugged her back, dropping a kiss on her cheek as she released me.

  “You deserve so much more than what you were handed, Ben. I hope you see that soon.”

  I’m beginning to.

  Chapter 14

  I started on the second journal. Despite my growing anger, I forged onward, forcing myself to digest every new tidbit of information, piecing together the puzzle that had become my life. Hannah’s presence aided in keeping me calm, soothed me.

  Time flew and before I knew it, I had finished the second notebook and moved on to the third.

  I looked down at my watch and was surprised to see how much time had passed. It was midnight and no one had made a move to make me leave. I didn’t want to, either. Wide awake, I wanted to push through as much of Candace’s words as I possibly could. It was as if I was making a mad dash for
my freedom – to move on with my life.

  The more I read about Candace’s other life, the more it felt as if I was reading about someone I never knew.

  Together, Hannah and I discovered that Candace’s first act of infidelity had been when she and I had our first argument following our engagement. I remembered that night quite clearly.

  Candace had told me that she’d gone out with the girls. In retrospect, I should have suspected something when she never turned up that night, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt because I loved her so much. The saying held true then as it does now: love is blind.

  Upon her college graduation, she had been hired on right away. I had been so proud of her for getting a position right out of school. The job market was a bit tough as an editor, but her dream had come true just as I’d told her it would so many times before.

  This is around the same time Chris’ name started being dropped around the house. I knew him as her boss and whenever a work function happened – where spouses were allowed – he’d always have his wife with him. I never questioned it. Why would I? I mean, aside from the occasional arguments, life was pretty damn normal for Candace and me.

  “I don’t know this person, Hannah. Why would she lie? All I ever wanted was for her to be happy.” I dropped my head onto the side of Hannah’s bed. “Am I that gullible? I mean, do I have ‘sucker’ marked on my forehead or something? God, I feel so stupid for not seeing it!”

  Hannah’s hand twitched, her fingers nudging the hair at my temple, but I paid it no heed. It was one of those twitches like Adam had warned me about.

  I sighed. “I wish you could wake up and tell me what would possess a woman to do what she did. I would have done anything. I would have let her leave if it meant that she’d be happier. Christ!”

  Her fingers moved once more, but this time I couldn’t ignore it.

  I lifted my head and found green eyes looking back at me, tears sliding down the sides of her face.