To Forgive & Hold Safe (The Broken Men Chronicles Book 4)

by Decevito, Carey

  “Well, yeah. It’s just-” Her mouth snapped shut.

  “Tell me.” I took the eggs we’d need and set them on the counter before handing Hannah the carton back.

  “I’ve always been the one to make everything.” Her voice was soft, almost inaudible. “I’m not used to having someone in the kitchen cooking with me, unless it’s Mom or Dad, or the workers at the shop.”

  “Get used to it, sweetheart, because I plan on being around, and that includes helping my woman in the kitchen.”

  The grin she sported told me she approved my statement. “Is there anything you don’t do?” she asked.

  “Stick around long enough and you’ll find out. How did you want your eggs?”

  Chapter 43

  The wrought iron fencing and its arched gateway were all too familiar as we arrived at the cemetery for Lee’s memorial.

  We waited in the car until we caught sight of Anne and Adam before making a move to exit the car.

  “Hannah?” I put a hand on her knee. “It’s time, sweetheart.”

  She nodded. With a deep breath she composed herself into the strong woman I knew she was, and opened her car door. I breathed in a deep one myself and got out to stand at her side. Today was about Hannah putting her past to rest, not about me or my ghosts. And so I ignored the plots that loomed a mere ten rows away from where we were headed.

  I greeted Anne with a hug and shook Adam’s hand, keeping words to a minimum.

  Hannah walked between her parents, as I followed a step behind them, making our way toward the small crowd of people surrounding a coffin and preacher.

  The sight was all too reminiscent of three years past. My heartstrings tugged tight. Keep it together, she needs you.

  The pastor’s words were interrupted by a gasp from a woman that stood between an older gentleman and who I knew to be Lee’s brother.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” she asked, effectively putting an end to a dead man’s tribute. “You’re not welcome here.”

  “Mom,” Luke said.

  “Did you…?” She turned to her son. “How could you?”

  “We have every right to be here, Lois,” Adam spoke up. “Lee was a son to us too. It’s only fair for us to pay our respects.”

  The woman snorted in disgust. “I don’t care about you two. It’s her I want gone.”

  Everyone’s gaze shifted to Hannah who looked as if she were ready to bolt.

  I moved from behind Anne and grabbed her hand, shocking her back to reality. “You can do this,” I whispered in her ear.

  Anne moved so I could stand at her daughter’s side. Hannah’s grip on my hand first tightened, then she let go. “I’m not going anywhere. For ten years I’ve let you dictate what went on in Lee’s and my life. I’m done, Lois. Lee is…was my husband, and by that fact alone, I’ve earned my place, my right to be here.”

  Lois snorted. “Some job you did caring for him.”

  “Do you really want to do this in front of these people?” she asked.

  “They deserve to know the person that’s driven him to ruin his life.” Lee’s mother’s tone was venomous. “The one that killed him.”

  There were hushed murmurs in the crowd, but most had held their silence.

  Hannah took a few steps toward her husband’s mother. “Lee was an alcoholic long before I met him, Lois. You can’t blame me for that.”

  Not able to trust that Lee’s mother wouldn’t try anything physical, I remained close at Hannah’s back. My girlfriend’s fortitude had me bursting with pride.

  Hannah paused with a gasp when Lee’s coffin came into full view. After clearing her throat, I watched as she lifted her head with more confidence. “I’ve done all I could have done for that man. Your son sure as hell wasn’t without his faults, but I loved him. And that love wasn’t enough to keep him from giving into his demons.

  “You say I never did anything to make him stop, but neither did any of you. I’m not solely at fault here. He chose to drink. He chose to ruin his life. He chose to push me away. I was nothing to you people, and it became apparent that I meant very little to him as well, if he was willing to sacrifice us for the bottle.” Hannah’s tone had grown bitter.

  “That night…” She sniffled. “I was pregnant.” Cue the crowd’s murmurs and gasps. “Lee wasn’t the only one that died, Lois. Our baby died with him too, and so did a part of me.” Hannah’s voice faltered with an abundance of emotion.

  Except for Lois, her husband’s and Luke’s faces had softened at Hannah’s declaration.

  “You left him and you were pregnant?” Incredulity laced the woman’s tone.

  The lack of reaction from Hannah’s parents confirmed that she had confided the truth about her relationship with Lee.

  “I left him because I had to. We were trying to work things out. That’s why we were out that night. You want to know what he said when I told him we were having a baby?” Hannah didn’t wait for a response. “He told me that he didn’t want our son or daughter, that I should just, and I quote ‘get rid of it’. All that after my promising him that I would be there for him when he chose to get help. He didn’t want to stop drinking. He didn’t think it was a problem. He told me so, that night. My decision to make our separation permanent was made the night of the accident, not before that. I suggest that when you start pointing fingers, you get your facts straight. I was loyal to Lee to the very end.” I knew that she was eyeing Lee’s brother with that statement. “Lee’s drinking killed us all that night. It was him who caused me to lose control! It was him who rejected me, who refused our child! It wasn’t me. It’s not my fault!”

  Hannah’s body began to shake violently and I rushed to her side, wrapping an arm around her waist for added support.

  “How dare you!” Lois said, but when her husband let her go, Lee’s brother jumped in to stop his mother.

  “Mom, she’s right.” Luke met my gaze, and gave me a curt nod. “I saw the police report. What she’s saying is true.”

  “No!” She turned to face her son, collapsing into his chest, tiny balled fists hitting him between sobs. “No, no, no!”

  “Lee was a kind man when he wanted to be, Lois.” Hannah’s voice was soft. “There’s a reason why I loved him, why I stuck by him all these years. Out of the bad, I saw the good. I believed in him, in us. I couldn’t help him unless he was willing to ask for it. I’m not sorry for what I’ve just said. And I’m not sorry for being here either. I have just as much of a right to say goodbye. What I am sorry about is that it all had to come out in front of all of these people; that I hadn’t, up until now, stood up to your incessant bullying and your constant judging.”

  “Please go,” Lee’s father finally spoke.

  Hannah walked forward, grabbed a handful of dirt and deposited it on top of her husband’s coffin. “I hope you’re finally at peace.” Her hand paused on top of the dark oak finish. “Goodbye.”

  She took a look at Lee’s closest relatives, bowed her head in a sign of respect, turned around, and when she looked up at me, I could see that she was holding on to the last bit of strength she could muster. The woman was pale and shaking. Her knees made to buckle after two more steps.

  To hell with propriety! I picked Hannah up bridal style and walked us away from the gathering, while she clung to me. The further we got, the louder her sobs grew and her shaking intensified.

  “I’m here,” I cooed into her hair, taking a seat on one of the visitors’ benches. “You did great. You’re so strong, sweetheart. I’m so proud of you.” Was there really anything I could say that would soothe her, though?

  Chapter 44

  Hannah wanted a moment with her parents, so I walked off to give them their privacy. Anne and Adam both looked thankful, not to mention relieved, that their daughter was reaching out to them.

  Instead of heading to my car, my feet carried me toward a spot that held so much grief for me – one I hadn’t visited in over a week.

  My fingers
only ran over one name when I’d reached the double headstones. Karen’s.

  “Hey, baby girl.” I cleared my throat. “I’m so sorry.” I fought the tremors of sobs that wanted to burst, but it was a losing battle. I broke down.

  “How could you! Dammit, Candace! I’m so angry with you. I’m not one to use the word hate, but I think I hate you just a little right now.” I wiped at one wet cheek with the back of my hand. “I loved you…so much. And Karen. Fuck! She’s not even mine,” I whispered the last bit. “I can’t keep doing this anymore. Coming back to see two people that never belonged to me in the first place. I can’t do it. I can’t be miserable for the rest of my life, so girls, this is my last visit.”

  I couldn’t bring myself to leave just yet, so I sat on the grass and listened to the stillness of the day.

  Hannah’s hand landed on my shoulder. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah.” I wiped the last few stray tears with the back of my hand before getting up and grabbing her hand.

  Hannah turned to face the headstones. She crouched down, running her fingers over the names briefly, then looked over her shoulder at me. “Do you mind if I say something?”

  “Go ahead.”

  “I’m sorry that you’re both gone,” she started. “Karen, I’m sure you would have given your Daddy a run for his money. He loves you so much, and you would have made him a very great Daddy too.” She paused to wipe at her cheeks, her shoulders straightening as she took a deep breath and continued. “Candace, I feel I owe you a world of thanks for being so blind to the greatness that was in front of you all this time. I promise to take care of him. Thank you for letting go of your love so I could give him mine.”

  Stunned at her words, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak.

  Hannah stood from her haunches and faced me. My eyes met hers when her hand cupped my cheek. “Ready to go?” she asked as if her words hadn’t just tilted my world on its axis.

  My smile was strained. “Y-yeah.” Taking one last look at my past in the form of a double plot, I uttered that final word. “Goodbye.”

  Chapter 45

  By the time we reached my car, I realized something was absent from all of my other visits. My usual dark cloud of grief had disappeared. I felt lighter, albeit still slightly drained by emotions.

  Is that how it felt to know that you’d moved on?

  We drove to my place in silence, exchanging glances here and there whenever we stopped at a light. Hannah’s hand held mine, her thumb rubbing the top of it in a soothing manner.

  When we arrived, I let her precede me.

  I dropped her bag of clothing she’d packed up this morning to the floor before closing the door.

  Hannah slid her heels off of her feet and I walked up to her. Grabbing her roughly around the waist with one hand, she dropped her shoes as I cradled the back of her head with my other. “I’m so proud of you,” I said before crushing my lips to hers.

  “I embarrassed myself, is what I did,” she said when I pulled away.

  “Oh, sweetheart, you didn’t. You kept your cool. You were calm, polite, composed and graceful. You made Lois look like The Wicked Witch of the West. You’re amazing! How can you not see what I see?”

  “Funny.” She gave me a small smile, her hands coming up to caress the sides of my face. “I wonder the same thing about you, Ben. I meant what I said by their graves. You would have been a fantastic father, and I’m sure you will be some day.”

  “And what about the other stuff?” I smirked down at her.

  “I…” Her face went from nervous to mischievous. “I do think you’re amazing. In every way.” I pressed my lips to hers lightly and pulled back to let her continue. “I plan on taking care of you for as long as you’ll let me.”

  I kissed her again. “And what about-?”

  “Shut up and make love to me, Ben.”

  “I can’t do that,” I deadpanned. “You don’t love me back.”

  “But you never…” Her voice trailed off. “Hold on.” Her eyebrows knitted together before they rose up toward her hairline. “Y-you love me?”

  I nodded. “Wholly. Irrevocably. There’s not a doubt in my heart and mind, Hannah. I swore that if life ever led me to a moment where I felt this way again, that I wouldn’t hold back, that I’d say something. I don’t want you to-”

  Her lips crashed to mine feverishly before she pulled away too soon. “Don’t even finish that sentence, you crazy man.” Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears, her lips quirking up with a subtle tremble. “I’m completely, wholeheartedly, and without a doubt in love with you too, Benjamin.”

  “I knew, but I didn’t know how I felt until you were standing there in front of Candace’s plot. I couldn’t help but think I had a new lease on life and found myself wondering what I’d do if you were in Candace’s place right now, if I’d lost you that night before finding what we have.”

  “Kind of morbid don’t you think?”

  “Let me finish.” She nodded for me to continue. “I thought about it, and as broken as I’ve been over Candace, I know I was on my way to finding myself again. The journals sped things up, thankfully. Hannah, the thought of you being in her place makes it hard for me to breathe. If it were you, I don’t think-”

  Her fingertips feathered over my lips. “I’m not going anywhere, Ben.”

  I’d taken Hannah to my bed and made love to her, turning my cell off because of its incessant ringing. We spent the entirety of that afternoon lounging in bed until dinnertime.

  In the midst of cooking dinner, the doorbell rang.

  One look at Hannah, who was leaning back against the counter wearing my dress shirt, gave answer as to who was presentable enough to greet our unannounced guest.

  “You stay here.” I zipped my pants before making for the door, our sexy interlude to dinner-making now delayed.

  Hannah grabbed hold of my belt loops quicker than I could get away, and pulled me back to her.

  “You’re not answering that, baby.” She bit my bottom lip before sucking it into her mouth, then released it. “You started something and you’re going to finish it.”

  I growled as I crushed my lips to hers. “You’re right.” My lips trailed a combination of nips and kisses along her collarbone. “If it’s that important, they’ll come back.”

  “Probably some door-to-door salesman anyway.” She panted, her fingers releasing the button and lowering the zip on my trousers.

  My pants pooled at my feet as I sat her up on my kitchen island. She hissed at the coolness of the granite.

  In one swift thrust, I was inside her, her legs pulling me closer while wrapped around my waist. Her lips were trapped by mine, my hands fisting her hair, keeping her where I wanted her, while her fingernails scraped at my back, digging into my flesh at an almost painful intensity. The bite of her nails only fed me with more lust.

  I tilted Hannah’s head back with a tug of her tresses and began to ravage the sensitive skin of her neck.

  “Fuck that’s hot!”

  Hannah jumped in my arms, clinging to me so tight that she’d buried my face in her breasts.

  “Nikki?” Hannah squeaked.

  “You might want to let him up for air there, sweetie.” I could tell that our guest was amused.

  Hannah did just that, and I turned to face Nicole, heat suffusing my face.

  “I never knew that a surprise like that awaited me when I rang,” Nicole said. “Seeing something like that definitely gets the juices flowing, doesn’t it, Ben?”

  I groaned at the memory and Hannah tilted my head so my eyes met hers, and she gave me an inquiring look.

  “Long story.” I gave her a quick peck. “I’ll tell you later.”

  “It’s not a long story at all, Benny-boy,” Nicole cajoled. “Ben walked in on Mike and me one night. The end.”

  “If what you saw got you so hot and bothered, why aren’t you trying to get home to your husband?” I asked. I can’t believe I forgot to loc
k the fucking door.

  “Relax, Casanova,” Nicole said. “I was in the neighborhood so I figured I’d stop by to give Hannah the details to our girls’ night on Friday since you haven’t been picking up the phone. We’re still on, right?”

  “Y-yeah,” Hannah said. “Is Mike still driving us?”

  “Yeah.” She smiled mischievously. “I’m thinking some dancing somewhere and I like your idea of stopping in at Fairfax for a nightcap before our men hunt us down.”

  “Sounds good.”

  “Good! By the way, I think you need to take care of big guy here,” Nicole said. “Seeing as you two are busy, I’ll call later with the rest of the details and the decision on the club.”

  “And leave a message next time!” I grumbled.

  Nicole rolled her eyes. “I’m out of here, lovers! And you’re right, Hannah, he does have a tight ass.” The damn woman had the audacity to wink at me before she turned and strolled out of my kitchen, the front door slamming shut in her wake.

  After a moment of silence, I turned to my woman and smirked. “You talk about my ass?”

  Hannah shrugged her shoulders. “She just asked me if it looked as good naked as it did in your jeans.”

  “And what did you tell her?”

  Her mischievous grin said enough. “I told her it was way better naked.”

  Chapter 46

  Good thing Derek was at Fairfax to greet everyone and that the place had been closed to the public. Friday had arrived and I should have been back at the pub fifteen minutes ago, but I wanted to see Hannah before her night of wild fun with the girls. And ‘wild’ was a fitting descriptor when Nicole and Danica were concerned.

  When Hannah came downstairs decked out in a sexy strapless black dress that hugged her curves in all the right places, showing off some leg where her knee-high stiletto boots didn’t cover, I wanted to beg off our prior engagements.

  “You’re killing me.” I pulled on my shirt collar for added effect.