Overcoming Unwated Intrusive Thoughts

by Sally M Winston

  I have a feeling that I am producing too much saliva. I keep swallowing and swallowing. I check to see if there is more, and there always is; I can’t stop, and it is driving me nuts. Now it feels like I have a lump in my throat too.

  I am tortured by my underwear. I can’t get any to fit right.

  When I lie in bed trying to sleep, I feel like I have to pee, even if I just did a few minutes ago. Then I think I won’t be able to sleep unless I go again. This can go on for hours and hours.

  A friend pointed out to me that she could see the side of her nose if she looked down. Now I can’t stop seeing my nose, it feels like it is obstructing my vision, and I hate it. Does anyone else have this?

  When I lie down at night, I can hear my heartbeat in my ear. I can’t relax. I can’t stop counting and listening and worrying about it. I have started getting up over and over to check my blood pressure and pulse. What is wrong with me?

  Worried Voice:What is wrong with me that I keep hearing my pulse in my ear? It is so annoying and irritating. And I can’t get rid of the idea that it means I have some heart problem.

  False Comfort:Don’t worry about your heart. You went to the doctor two months ago. Don’t think about it. Focus on some other sound, like the sound of the refrigerator in the kitchen.

  Worried Voice:But I can’t. I try that, and then I think, What is wrong with me that I can’t even distract myself? I figure that either I have something wrong with my heart or else I get worried that this will never stop—that it might go on forever.

  False Comfort:Just stop those negative thoughts. I know you can do that. Maybe if you sing a song to yourself, or keep the TV on, it will drown out the sound of your heartbeat.

  Worried Voice:I tried it, and it doesn’t work. I keep checking in my mind to see if I can hear my pulse, and then think that I really should check my blood pressure. But I know this is crazy, and so I think what a weird person I am to have this messed-up sort of problem. What kind of person has a problem like this?

  Wise Mind:Believe it or not, your ongoing back-and-forth discussion is what keeps you stuck on the sounds. Leave them alone. Allow them to be. And checking your pulse and blood pressure keeps you focused on frightening thoughts. Just because you have a thought does not make it a fact. I suggest that you don’t distract yourself. And remember that it’s not the sound itself, but the way you react to the sound that makes it feel so irritating and dangerous.

  Worried Voice:How will allowing it to be there possibly help?

  Wise Mind:Give it a try. Clearly your way is not working.

  Helpful Fact: Most of your distress is caused not by what you think or feel, but how you feel about and react to what you think or feel.

  You have now read about the wide range of unwanted intrusive thoughts. We have provided you with some very specific and explicit examples, and it is not uncommon for readers to experience a spike in anxiety. But be assured that the upset is temporary, and you will find it a small price to pay for the benefits of knowing that you are not alone as well as of having the opportunity to find your own specific type or types of unwanted intrusive thoughts.

  Seeing these on the written page will give you some initial relief, no matter what kinds of thoughts have become stuck and repetitive in your mind. And the fact that people with intrusive thoughts like yours have recovered and live normal lives proves that your situation is not as serious, crazy, or hopeless as it may currently feel. In the next chapter, we will address the myths that need debunking, about both thoughts in general and about unwanted intrusive thoughts specifically.

  Chapter 3

  What Thoughts Mean: Myths and Facts

  There are nine myths about thoughts in general that contribute to intrusive thoughts becoming stuck. Busting these myths with facts will go a long way toward helping you change your attitude about your mind.

  We all have beliefs about thoughts and what they say about us. Many of us believe that what runs through our minds tells a story about the person we are underneath. Some of our ideas about our thoughts might be correct, but we now understand that a lot of common beliefs are false, and these false beliefs can cause a great deal of unhappiness.

  Every day, researchers learn more about thinking and what the content of your thoughts say about the sort of person you are. The newest information contradicts some long-held ideas about what thoughts mean and what kinds of thoughts are normal. This chapter debunks the nine major myths about thoughts that contribute to unwanted intrusive thoughts. Since each myth contributes to the tendency to be stuck on unwanted intrusive thoughts, it makes sense for you to consider each one and think about how much you hold onto each myth. There is conclusive evidence from psychological research that each one is false.

  Helpful Fact: Busting myths with facts about thoughts will make intrusive thoughts less sticky.

  Myth 1: Our Thoughts Are Under Our Control

  Many people falsely believe that our thoughts are under our conscious control, and so we should be able to control our thoughts.

  Fact: The fact is that many of our thoughts—and some researchers believe that most of our thoughts—are not under conscious control. There are times when we welcome this fact. An insight or an inspiration can help solve a problem. Ask a poet or songwriter how she finds lyrics, and she might say it just comes to her. Sometimes a thought just pops up, like a mental tic or hiccup. Ask anyone who practices meditation. We aren’t in control of it, and we aren’t responsible for it. Thoughts just happen. They wander. They jump around. They don’t take orders.

  Occasionally it hits you in the face that you can’t control your thoughts. Everyone has a wandering mind when listening to boring talks. A noisy room can interrupt your train of thoughts. And when was the last time you thought about an argument at home when speaking to someone at work? How often do you tell yourself to think confident thoughts, only to be aware of self-criticism and worries creeping in?

  Just because you can think some thoughts on purpose doesn’t mean that you are in control of them. You can’t make your thoughts go away at will. You can focus your attention on certain thoughts, but that doesn’t mean you have the capacity to make them go away.

  Worried Voice:I wish I could control my thoughts, especially when I get a bad thought. I think I am sick.

  False Comfort:What you need is some mental discipline. Try harder!

  Worried Voice:I’m trying, but I can’t seem to do it. I think I’m broken.

  Wise Mind:Everyone’s mind goes everywhere. It could be interesting to watch. I have no need to stop any of it. Nor do you. Thoughts are just thoughts, and they just happen.

  Worried Voice and False Comfort both believe in the myth that control of thoughts, especially disturbing thoughts, is not only possible but necessary for mental health. They are quite wrong. Wise Mind knows better.

  Belief in the myth that you are in control of your thoughts leads to the common but unhelpful suggestion that you can replace negative thoughts with positive ones and that this will help you control what you think. The facts indicate that you can deliberately think positive thoughts and distract your attention temporarily from unwanted thoughts to chosen ones. But the thoughts you are trying to replace tend to persist and usually return even more forcefully to your attention. How many times have you tried to push a thought away, only to have it pop right back up?

  Myth 2: Our Thoughts Indicate Our Character

  Another thought myth is that thoughts speak to our character or underlying intentions and that some people have an underlying dark side that is revealed only in their thoughts.

  Fact: We know that thoughts have nothing to do with character. Character is a reflection of how you lead your life. It relates to what you actually choose to do or choose not to do. Thoughts are what pass through your mind. When thoughts just happen, it is not your choice. There is no place for issues of character when there is no chance for choice. A thought is not a fact or a statement about yourself. Character is about
the choices you make in life, not what pops into your mind.

  This myth is often illustrated by elaborate metaphors in popular culture. Most frightening are examples of apparently perfectly nice people being taken over by their dark side, whether it be the metaphor of werewolves, possession, Jekyll and Hyde, or some other way of innocent people turning into killers. Movies such as The Exorcist, American Psycho, and Forbidden Planet are designed to terrify people into thinking that, no matter how innocent or well-intentioned you are, there might be an evil force inside of you ready to take over. These fantasies fuel the false idea that one’s underlying thoughts reveal actual intentions or nature even if disavowed, as if there can be an inner demon that can leap out against your will.

  Similarly, movies and books about the breakdown of society, such as Lord of the Flies, Mad Max, and other post-apocalyptic nightmares, suggest that our survival instincts can turn us into moral monsters. They all imply that we are precariously civilized. Taking this one step further implies that uncivilized thoughts are the tip of the iceberg and that one’s true nature or character may not be what it seems.

  Interestingly, often people apply this myth only to themselves and their own thoughts. If a friend relates a wild, repugnant, or nonsensical thought, you are quick to reassure him that minds are capricious, that these thoughts are not meaningful, and that you have not lost respect for him. It’s easy to joke about someone else’s intrusive thoughts.

  Worried Voice:I’m always coming up with perverted thoughts. Even about children. I must be a bad person deep down. It happens all the time.

  False Comfort:Don’t be silly. We both know you are good. Crowd out the perverted thoughts. Thinking about it could make you doubt yourself.

  Worried Voice:I try, but it just keeps happening. I wonder if something bad happened to me that I don’t remember, and it is stuck in my unconscious. They say abused people become abusers.

  False Comfort:People can overcome their bad thoughts. You just have to stay positive.

  In this dialogue, both Worried Voice and False Comfort believe that thoughts indicate character and then struggle to deal with this. They are both falling prey to this myth.

  Helpful Fact: Thoughts have nothing to do with character. Only chosen actions do.

  Myth 3: Our Thoughts Indicate the Inner Self

  This is the belief that thoughts are paths to our inner self, sort of like eyes being windows to the soul. This includes the belief that whatever is in our mind is a reflection of our true thoughts and feelings, no matter how we might protest it is not so. So intrusive thoughts must speak some special, perhaps hidden, truth about us.

  Fact: The fact is that everyone has passing weird, aggressive, or crazy thoughts. If every thought spoke to underlying character, then 90 percent of people would be weird, aggressive, or crazy. That is because about 90 percent of people acknowledge having intrusive thoughts that they characterize as weird, aggressive, frightening, or crazy. And think about some of the horror movies and TV shows that are so popular these days. Perhaps you are unable to watch them because they trigger too much fear. But remember that these awful, weird, aggressive, and crazy scenarios are thought up by normal, creative people. They are simply writing scripts that other people will want to watch.

  An implication of this myth is that weird or nonsensical thoughts might indicate loss of control over your mind or even mental illness. Or, another false implication is that if you have intrusive repugnant thoughts, it could mean that you are a perverted or disgusting person.

  People with unwanted aggressive or violent thoughts may become fearful that they are violent or angry despite having no awareness of these emotions, and that their true feelings are indicated by these thoughts. They may come to believe not only that they must be bad people at their core, but they may also feel an extra burden to exercise serious control over these thoughts.

  We all have mental activity going on outside of awareness, and it is interesting to wonder how certain mental events happen to pop up. But there is no truth to the ideas that blips of intrusive thoughts and images reveal underlying truths and that thoughts reveal motives, feelings, and intentions that are deeply meaningful or contain messages that need to be addressed when they differ from conscious thoughts, feeling, and intentions.

  Myth 4: The Unconscious Mind Can Affect Actions

  This is the belief that our unconscious mind is a powerful force that directs our thoughts and behaviors, sometimes operating in the dark and against our conscious minds and will. So there is a possibility that unconscious forces could come leaping out against our wishes and lead us to do something impulsively angry, violent, or mean—even though we don’t actually want to.

  Fact: Analyzing the meaning of Freudian slips and automatic associations—including the content of dreams—are popular ways of trying to understand the complex workings of the unconscious mind. But the momentary thought of dropping your baby certainly does not reveal any unconscious wish to do harm. And the sudden thought that you could jump off the balcony because the railing is low does not reveal hidden unconscious suicidal wishes.

  Worried Voice:Every day I take the train to work, and every day I have the thought that I could push someone under the train. What does it mean about me that I have such bad thoughts? Maybe my unconscious mind will make me do it.

  False Comfort:Tell yourself that you would never do anything violent. Don’t let those thoughts take over. Distract yourself, and think about something else. Pray for relief.

  Worried Voice:I try, but I keep on having the thoughts.

  Here False Comfort is trying hard to reassure Worried Voice and offers coping skills to handle the disturbing thoughts. While coping skills might provide temporary relief, they don’t work for long. Unfortunately, they both believe this myth, that such thoughts are meaningful bits of the unconscious mind and require a response.

  Another example of this myth is believing that thoughts of doubt are messages, signals, or warnings from the wiser more perceptive unconscious. Some of you may be plagued by doubts about a decision and then believe it means that you made a mistake, and therefore, there is some important issue you need to address. This myth suggests that a doubting thought is a message from your unconscious that repeats itself because it is telling you to reconsider what you did or what you plan to do.

  But it is simply not true that feared thoughts are fueled by underlying wishes or are warnings that should be heeded. There is an old assumption, sometimes stated in the form “The wish is father to the fear,” suggesting that your fear of doing something terrible is caused by your desire to do it. This is a myth with nothing to support it. It does only one thing: it contributes to the fears of people with unwanted intrusive thoughts.

  Myth 5: Thinking Something Makes It Likely to Happen

  Believing that thinking something somehow makes that thing more likely to happen or makes it more true is the basis of this myth. Many people don’t like the idea of negative thoughts because they believe that having negative thoughts means that more negative things will happen. Some people believe that negative attracts negative and that positive attracts positive.

  Fact: This is a complete misunderstanding of what is known about thoughts. Psychologists call this myth thought-action fusion (Rachman 1993, Salkovskis 1985) or magical thinking. The fact is that a thought is not a message about what is going to happen. Similarly, a thought is not a prediction or a warning of an awful action or occurrence in the future. Thoughts do not warn of plane crashes, automobile accidents, or natural disasters. Premonition is a feeling that comes with a thought; it is not an accurate reading of the future. We tend to remember the rare premonitions that come true and forget all the many other doubts and feelings that passed without coming true.

  Even more importantly, your thoughts cannot make unwanted actions or events happen. Thoughts do not change probabilities in the real world. Thoughts do not move objects, nor can they hurt people. Additionally, thoughts are not aspect
s of your unconscious that might become uncaged and leap up and take control if you don’t remain vigilant. Thinking that someone might die will not make him more likely to die; a wandering thought about what it would be like to be unfaithful to a partner does not make you seek an affair; a sudden fearful thought does not make real danger or disaster any more likely. Please don’t confuse thoughts with facts. A fact can be true, or it can be false. A thought is just a thought. Thoughts are often our guesses about the world around us and the way it seems to operate. Thoughts themselves have no effect on the world.

  Helpful Fact: Thoughts do not change probabilities in the real world.

  But some of you might be thinking, But if I have negative thoughts, won’t I be doing more negative things?

  Well, to some extent that is true. Sometimes your mood and motivation can change in response to your thoughts and beliefs. Here’s an example: If you believe that something is going to be very frightening, then you will approach that with more trepidation, and you might even decide to stay away from it because you aren’t sure you will be able to handle the fear. And if you think that your boss is going to give you a really hard time about leaving early on Tuesday to see your son’s soccer final, you might decide to call in sick that day or maybe just forgo the game. In other words, sometimes our beliefs and thoughts can influence what we choose to do. But this is very different from the false believe that thinking about something influences the chances of it occurring.