by Noel Merczel
Alison used to be that way. But that was like a million years ago before she turned into a stinky old bitch.
Oh, she’d find him here, his wife. She was probably trying to call Grace, right this second. But Ray didn’t care. Last Ray saw his sister, she was screaming, “YOU BASTARD! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” at her husband. No, Grace wasn’t about to answer any damn phone calls any time soon.
Truth be known, he’d always fantasized about doing something like this and getting away with it. The one girl, the really short one with the curly blonde hair-do, was practically glued to the stumpy bald-headed guy. So it would have to be the other one. The brunette with the white frilly dress.
Perfect.
10-9-8-7...Ray started the countdown in his head.
ONE!
TIME’S UP!
Ray was up off the ground and racing across the field like a shot. They were so wrapped up in their own dumb little world, they didn’t even notice him coming.
This is too easy, Ray thought.
In a flash, he had infiltrated their group and was wrapping his arms around the girl’s middle, ferrying her out into the field. She felt light as a feather!
He heard all the screaming. He felt like the evil nemesis in an action movie. This was fun! Much better than listening to his wife bitch about not being able to afford to go out. His victim wasn’t even struggling, the dumb bitch.
Damn, there was a gunshot. Ha! The guy was a lousy shot. Missed by a mile. Ray knew where he would take the girl. Right to that smelly barn that stunk of horse manure.
After all, his sister had suggested he hang out there, right?
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
It happened so quickly. One second Andrea was walking along flirting with Roger, the next second...
SHE WAS BEING GRABBED!
“ANDREA! ANDREA!” Drew shouted.
“PUT HER DOWN, ASSHOLE!” Roger roared.
Andrea heard Lisa’s shrill cry of “OH MY GOD! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?”
And Nick and Gina hollering, “BLAST HIM, ROGER, BLAST HIM!”
But this guy was quick. And strong!
Where the hell did he come from? Andrea wondered.
He raced across the soybean field at such a speed, clutching Andrea in a death grip. She felt wetness splash onto her forehead. But mostly she had a view of the ground. She saw his shoes. They were dirty gray sneakers caked with blood.
Then Andrea heard a gunshot.
Roger was shooting in her direction!
What if he misses? Andrea couldn't help but think. What if he gets me?
The ground was zipping past below her.
“ANDREEEE-AAAAA!” she heard Drew screech.
“STOP HIM!” someone else shouted.
Their voices were sounding further and further away.
Then there were more gunshots.
Next thing Andrea knew, she was being dragged into some sort of building. She saw a wood floor with hay scattered around. It was stuffy and smelled like horse poop.
The guy roughly tossed Andrea into a bundle of hay. The hay was scratchy yet springy, and impossibly sweet smelling. Immediately, she sat back up to face her kidnapper. Her heart was beating a mile a minute.
She brushed some pieces of scratchy hay off her dress and bare legs. The guy – the zombie....wait a minute – the fake zombie? was leering at her.
He was just standing there with the creepiest smile Andrea had ever seen. His eyes! Cottage cheese chunks were caked around the corners, the eyes themselves sporting a bright red crimson color.
Devil's eyes....
Devil's eyes with cottage cheese in them?
How could someone do that to his own eyes? Andrea wondered.
His skin was covered in that same hot pink angry rash with oozing pustules popping out on his cheeks and big red bloody spots in places where he had scratched too hard.
The mosquito bites! Andrea thought in horror. Do the mosquito bites lead to the rash?
Is this virus for real after all – and the whole thing starts with a mosquito bite just like Gina said?
Andrea looked around. The only escape route was the barn door, which he was standing right in front of. There was no way she could reach that door if she tried to run for it right now. She would have to wait for him to cross over to the other side of the barn... or be otherwise occupied.
Why isn’t he trying to eat me? Andrea wondered. I’ve never heard of a zombie carrying a person into a barn before. Then again, I’ve never heard of a pink zombie with white chunks coming out of it's eyes, either!
I just have to wait and see. If he comes at me, then I'll fight. My adrenaline is up.
I can do this!
He was breathing heavily, like a bull in a ring.
Then he made his move. As he approached Andrea, her whole body tensed up, prepared for the fight of her life.
He licked his dry skinny lips.
“Haaaaa,” he said, although the noise came out sounding more like a breath than a word.
WHERE THE HELL IS ROGER? Andrea's brain screamed.
Right on cue, she heard more gunshots outside. The super loud noise stopped the asshole right in his tracks. He froze, halfway to her, the creepy smile slowly melting off his fucked-up face.
I hope no one in my group got shot! Andrea thought.
Then slowly, the nauseating smile reappeared... this time, granting Andrea a grand view of his rotting gray-tinged teeth.
“Ohhhhhh!” he moaned like he was a bad actor in some home-made Frankenstein movie.
He inched toward Andrea, slowly maneuvering across the barn floor in an overly dramatic stiff-legged gait.
The whole thing seemed really fake to Andrea.
What if I try talking to him? she suddenly wondered.
“Is this for real?” she asked, surprised at how strong her voice sounded despite how scared and helpless she felt.
Then she added, “You don’t have to do this!”
Andrea wasn't quite sure why she said that. She was grasping.
But her words made no impact. Now he was growling, sounding like a little kid trying to scare his big brother. Closer...closer...Andrea stood up in the mound of hay, smoothing her dress down in the back, ready to push him away.
Then he was on top of her. It happened so fast! Easily, he pushed her back down. Andrea felt his dried lips grazing her ear. She smelled his gross breath which carried the strong odor of rotten meat. She struggled against him, but it was pointless. This guy was super strong.
He was licking her ear! Then her ear was inside his diseased mouth, while he made super loud sucking sounds like he was slurping down a delicious ice-cream soda.
“Mmmmmmm-mmmmm,” he mumbled.
After that, he spent an inordinate amount of time gently nibbling her earlobe.
Oh God! He’s going to bite my ear off! Andrea thought, cringing. Any second! I’m going to become one of these creatures!
She tried to move her arm so she could punch him, put her arms were pinned down beneath him.
Then he said something.
“Shit,” he mumbled.
I knew it! Andrea thought. He’s not a real zombie!
Unless...
...unless he was slipping in and out of zombie-ness, just like Mimi had done?
“You’re not a real zombie!” Andrea blurted out.
He stopped what he was doing. Her soaking wet ear felt weirdly cold.
“So?” he barked. “What makes ya so sure? I mean, I sure do think you taste good, heh, heh!”
He laughed, like that was the funniest thing he’d heard in years.
“What the fuck?” Andrea said, still struggling to get free. “Why are you doing this? I don’t get it!”
“Like I care,” he responded.
Then he made this super loud, super fake sounding growl. To Andrea, it sounded more like a bad impression of a lion than a zombie.
“RA
WWWWWWR!” he shouted.
“Jackass,” she muttered.
“Bitch!” he spat.
Then his nasty hands were all over her body; squeezing her breasts – hard.
“OWWW!” she screamed.
He just laughed and squeezed harder.
“You can join us, ya know,” he whispered into Andrea's soaking wet ear. “Then you can be free! Do whatever ya want! Roll around outside naked! Get some damn soybeans up your ass! Right now, you're gonna get my thick stick up your ass, ya stinky little bitch!”
That’s when she saw his huge erection tenting out the front of his tight muddy jeans.
FUCK! I’M GOING TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY TO A ZOMBIE-WANNA-BE? Andrea screamed inside her head. That’s worse than Mark Fishman! I can’t believe it. NO! I won’t let that happen!
His gross hand was now under Andrea's dress, grabbing at the flesh of her inner thigh. Then he rammed a finger under the elastic in the crotch of her underwear and stroked her naked labia..after which, he roughly shoved a dirty finger up her vagina causing Andrea to shriek.
He chucked evilly, then grabbed her cotton panties and yanked them halfway down her thighs in one fell swoop.
Andrea was utterly powerless to do anything about it.
He made a noise, like he was pleased with what he saw in front of him.
He tried to insert his finger into her naked vagina again. She clamped her legs together as tightly as she could.
“This is fun!” he suddenly declared, surveying the girl's pubic area with it's sparse soft curly wisps of light brown pubic hair. “You have a pretty lady box!”
Then he stopped to rub his eyes. Andrea took the opportunity to slip out from underneath him, but she didn't get very far. He grabbed her and pulled her down on the hardwood floor of the barn and proceeded to lick her face.
“Mmmmmm – mmmmmm.” he moaned, slobbering.
What if he bites my cheek? Andrea worried. Or bites my nose off?
She remembered the nose they saw by the side of the road.
Oh my God! Andrea thought. The naked woman in the field with the hole in her face!
Did this guy do that?
Did he bite her nose off?
She tried to pull away, but it was useless.
She tried desperately to remember some karate/self defense advice she'd seen in a movie.
All she could come up with was, GOUGE HIS EYES OUT!
Even if she could do that, though, would getting that gooky eye crap on her skin infect her as well? Andrea knew one could contract HIV by being exposed to bodily fluids...
Unlike Roger, Andrea was not convinced this whole thing was fake.
What if this guy was in the process of turning into a zombie?
Then his corroded hand was massaging her naked butt cheek. Andrea could feel his rock hard erection poking her through his rough scratchy jeans.
“Mmmmm – mmmmm,” he was muttering. “I can do whatever I want. No one can stop me.”
“Wanna bet?” Andrea suddenly heard someone growl.
IT WAS ROGER!
He was standing in the doorway of the barn, aiming his gun at her attacker.
The guy just smiled his dumb creepy smile at Roger. Then he subjected Roger to his ridiculous fake lion roar.
“RAWWWWR!”
Andrea took the opportunity to yank her underpants back up
“She your bitch?” the guy asked Roger, totally ignoring the gun pointed at him.
Then he looked at Andrea and said, “Hey girlie. Pull them undies back down. I ain’t done with your ass.”
He laughed again, before spinning around and yanking Andrea's underwear back down. After that, he pushed her down on the barn floor where she laid helplessly on the wooden planks like a beached mermaid.
Next thing Andrea knew, she heard the loud crack of the gun going off. Then she heard the sickening sound of the guy’s head hitting the barn floor.
Roger helped Andrea up. Then, thoroughly embarrassed, she pulled her underpants up yet again. For some reason, the only thought running through her head was, Roger saw my naked vagina!
As she stumbled out of the barn, arranging her clothes and glancing at the lifeless form of her wanna-be rapist zombie, it happened. Andrea felt a distinctive sting on her bare arm.
“FUCK!” she shouted, administering a hard slap to her stung skin. But it was too late.
She'd been bitten by a mosquito.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
It turns out that the whole thing was a fake. A big fat fake.
Honestly, have you ever heard tires being slashed during a real apocalypse?
Many claimed the popularity of the show Dead Heads triggered the catastrophic event. Ironically, the show was twice as popular, afterwards.
Who started it? No one really knows.
The “homeless woman,” otherwise known as Daniella, had a mutated strain of rabies never before reported to the CDC. She contracted the disease from a scratch she received from a stray cat in her backyard. She died two weeks later.
Clarence Barnaby was not in on the whole zombie farce. However, he had been slipped some hallucinogens by his daughter, Nita, who was also in on the zombie prank and provided the old man with his very believable zombie make-up.
The octogenarian was currently a resident of Harvest Homes where he befriended a woman named Agnes who also enjoyed old movies. Clarence finally had his cataract surgery and could now actually see Abbott and Costello (and the mummy) on the screen.
There were some people at the CDC who were in on it, such as Dr. Jose Branos, who helped spread the "mosquito rumor" which was very believable since the mosquitoes were particularly vicious that August...
Although Roger was right about the mosquitoes. The only disease they were spreading, at least in America, was West Nile Virus.
There were also many at the news stations who were in on it...
Mimi had been in on it...she figured that as long as she looked like a zombie she might as well become one. At least then, her looks would suit her.
Only, something happened that she had not counted on. Mimi contracted rabies from Daniella.
By the time anyone figured out what was wrong with Daniella... and consequently Mimi... it was too late. Mimi died two months later.
Patty was in on it and also contracted rabies...dying one month after the other two rabies victims.
These women were added to the eye-opening statistics that cited over 50,000 people die of rabies annually, around the globe.
It is a statistic that many find difficult to believe.
Thirty-eight others from all corners of the country and everywhere in between (including two in Alaska and one in Hawaii) also died during that night of horror and mayhem; most of them from gunshot wounds.
Mrs. Nelson was in on it. But she survived, along with her Rottweiler.
There were numerous arrests. The jury was still out as to who was guilty and who was not.
Roger was not convicted for shooting Ray Sommers, the asshole who attacked Andrea. Ray ended up living, by the way. During an interview, Ray Sommers claimed that Living was the worst life sentence he could have been handed.
Although, Ray Sommers had to admit, jail did have advantages. No crappy job; no boss or wife to contend with. Just loads and loads of time to fantasize about that girl in the poufy white dress - and what would have happened if that super-hero type jerk hadn’t busted into the barn and ruined it all.
Mark Fishman was even in on it, as was the naked middle-aged woman in the soybean field who was commended by some for her excellent make-up job...until the truth came out that her nose really had been bitten off by her husband, so her injuries were authentic, not fake.
Grace has since received plastic surgery, claiming she always wanted a nose job anyway.
The mother and daughter had a legitimate car accident. The mother had been short on sleep due to financial difficulties (some say tha
t operating a motor vehicle on inadequate amount of sleep is as bad as driving drunk) and therefore had experienced the odd ballerina hallucination. Both suffered minor injuries.