“It’s time I tell you something,” I started when he got within reach. “I should’ve told you long before now, but I never wanted to hurt you—”
“You were kissing Derek?” he interrupted. “How long has this been going on?”
My mouth opened and I glanced at Heather in time to see her smirk. I stepped forward and put my hands on Jaxson’s chest. He backed away and my hands fell to my sides.
“I don’t know what Derek thought he was doing just now, but I stopped it. Derek and Heather have been together for a long time…since before the two of you even slept together.”
The shock on Jaxson’s face shifted as he looked from me to Heather and then behind me to Derek. His chest was rising and falling fast as he tried to grasp what was going on.
“I heard them…at that Christmas party…having sex—”
It was as if I heard it before I felt it…the sound of liquid rushing toward me. And then red punch all over my head, down my face, over the front of my gown. I sputtered and stepped back, trying to hold onto something solid. I backed into Derek and he steadied me. The music kept playing, but all the chatter came to a stop as everyone stopped and watched us.
Jaxson lowered his head and held his hand to his forehead. “Someone tell me what is happening right now?” He looked up, his eyes pained as they searched mine.
Heather dropped the pitcher of punch and put her hand on his arm. “She’s lying! You know she’s lying.”
“Derek?” Jaxson said.
“I’ve never slept with Heather,” Derek said.
I didn’t stick around to hear more lies. If Jaxson believed a word out of their mouths over mine, he deserved the misery.
35
Present
December 2019
Too many changes at one time usually make me itchy, but hopefully this time, I’m heading in the right direction...everything UP from here. Please, please, DD, God, the universe, Jesus, and all of the good angels, please make it so.
Christmas always makes me think of Tyra and Jaxson. I think he did that on purpose, forcing us to wait until Christmas to have sex for the first time so I’ll always think of him on this holiday. Fortunately, now Dave and Mum’s wedding will provide new memories too, with it being on Christmas Eve. Still, even as I stand here, proud of how beautiful everything looks and fully in the moment, Jaxson is always part of my thoughts.
I catch myself crying more than once during the ceremony. Jaxson’s eyes on me heat my skin, making me feel like I have nowhere to hide. An arch laden down with cream and red flowers surrounds the bride and groom and each row of chairs has a matching bouquet at the aisle. Mum is beaming and looks like a dream by the backdrop of flowers and her true love. I pull the tissue out of my bouquet and dab my eyes once more when I see how Dave looks at her.
And then it’s official. They kiss, we cheer, and after taking pictures until we’re antsy, we move into the reception area where the guests have already been celebrating.
Jaxson and his band have set up to play later and he’s placing his guitar on the stand when I walk in. He looks up as if he knows I’ve come into the room. He smiles and makes his way over to me.
“Just when I think you can’t get any more beautiful,” he says, leaning over to kiss me on the cheek.
My heart flutters with his words and the proximity of him, and I try not to sound breathy as I thank him.
“You were right,” he says, smiling. “Goddess dress.” He tilts his head and lets his eyes linger over my skin. “And you are filling it to goddess perfection.”
I flush and duck my head, biting the inside of my cheek. When I meet his eyes again, I whisper, “Thank you.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Still fine. Very few hives left.” I smile. “I’m excited to hear you guys play.”
“I’m only bummed I won’t get to dance with you,” he says.
“Ah…we’re doomed for dances, right?” I try to sound lighthearted, but the pain that flashes over his eyes makes me regret my words. No, I don’t regret it, I tell myself. I need to hold onto some of the residual anger from our past in order to follow through with my plan.
With it being my mum’s day, I didn’t even try to talk her out of Jaxson sitting at our table. Anne and Charles are there too, and Liesl and her girlfriend Sarah, so as we sit down, I’m hopeful that they can help be a distraction.
“You still haven’t told him?” Liesl says under her breath when she sits next to me.
I turn to see if he’s heard her, but he’s on the other side of me, taking a sip of the ice water.
“No,” I say firmly and give her my fiercest look.
Her brow lifts and she shakes her head. “I hope you know what you’re doing,” she mouths.
I try to enjoy my meal but just pick at it. My meal had to be prepared differently than everyone else’s and it’s bland. It’ll take time to adjust. Hopefully my new way of eating won’t be as daunting as it feels now. Jaxson is supposed to eat quickly so he can be onstage when Mum is ready to start the dancing. I look down and realize he’s eating the same thing I am.
“Why did you get this meal? The others look so much better,” I say.
He grins like he has a secret and tilts his head. “Maybe I was hoping for a kiss.”
I just stare at him and then shake my head. “Jaxson, you need to give this up. Okay? I’m just not there right now.”
“Does that mean you think you will be eventually?” He leans closer to me and I nearly sink into his neck and take a long sniff. He smells so good and I know his arms would wrap me up and hold me tight.
I turn away from him…into a safer proximity. “I think you should move on.”
“Why don’t I believe you?” he asks, his breath on my ear making me shiver.
“Jaxson, I believe it’s time for you to start playing,” Anne says.
We both look at her and she smiles apologetically.
“This conversation isn’t over,” he says, kissing my cheek and heading to the stage.
* * *
The band sings a mixture of covers and songs Jaxson has written. He’s in his element when he’s lost in the song, eyes closed; the emotion in his vocals is devastating in all the right ways. I can’t believe he’s so good.
I dance with Dave and Charles and then end up dancing near Liesl, Sarah, and Maddie the rest of the night. Gemma comes and dances with us when she’s not with her boyfriend. We laugh maniacally at Charles’ awful dance moves, and I watch Jaxson in all of the other moments, grateful that I get this time to stare at him without him noticing every embarrassing second.
When he sings the line: I can’t believe I let you walk away…I stop dancing and stare at him. His eyes are wide open now and he sings the next words to me.
I didn’t know you meant forever
We spent a lifetime chasing firefly dreams
Now it seems you have forgotten
Blue-eyed shadow
Black-haired beauty
Remember me
Come home
Liesl clutches my arm mid-chorus. “This song is about you, isn’t it?”
“Mm-hmm,” Maddie answers. “It sure is. And he is screwing you so hard in his mind right now,” she adds.
“Maddie!” I smack her arm and look around to make sure Gemma or Anne aren’t close enough to hear. Fortunately, they’re both across the room.
“Well, he is.” She laughs. “I think you should make it a reality tonight.” Her eyes widen and she flutters her eyelashes, while I groan. “Give him something to remember you by,” she says, her face falling. “There’s time, right?” She puts her head on my shoulder. “Are you sure about this?” she asks.
“I’m sure,” I tell her. I am. I think I am. I hope I am.
* * *
I stay for another hour, dancing until my feet hurt. Right before I go, during one of Jaxson’s epic guitar solos, I go up to the stage and yell, “This is what you need to be doing for the rest of your life, J
axson Marshall!”
He looks surprised and then happier than I’ve ever seen him. The light radiates off of his face as he sings his heart out.
I back away, content.
I find Dave and Mum and hug them both at the same time.
“We’ll call you when we get to Hawaii. And you call us too, okay? We need to know you’re safe,” Mum says.
“I will. I’ll be safe,” I tell her. “Have the best time. Take tons of pictures.”
Dave kisses my cheek and steps back. “Love you, Mira. Thank you for making this such a special day for us.”
“You are worth it,” I say, grasping his hand.
Mum hugs me tighter then, her eyes filling. “I love you, Mira. I just want you to be okay. You’ll let me know, right?”
“I love you, and I’ll be okay. I promise.”
She nods and Dave hands her his handkerchief. She dabs her eyes and takes a shaky breath.
I look at Jaxson one more time and walk out into the crisp December air. An Uber is waiting for me.
“The airport, huh?” the driver says. “Where you headed?”
“Home.”
36
Past
2015
Sometimes it doesn’t change a thing to be right.
When I got home earlier than expected, I wasn’t surprised to find an empty house. Mum and Anne were probably hanging out, drinking wine, and lamenting over the fact that their kids couldn’t seem to get it together. Wherever she was, it was a relief that she didn’t have to see me in that state; my ruined dress and equally ruined heart would devastate her.
I put my dress in a garbage bag and got in the shower, crying as I scrubbed the red food dye off of my skin. What Heather had done was inexcusable, but I couldn’t say it surprised me that she was capable of that…or that Derek had lied to Jaxson—they’d been doing that for years, why did I think they’d come clean now? But Jaxson…his distrust and the way he’d believed them over me…I didn’t know if I’d ever get over that, not to mention the fact that he didn’t jump to my defense when she ruined my dress and embarrassed me in front of everyone. It felt like middle school all over again, only much worse since I’d shared my heart and my body with him.
I crawled into bed before midnight, unable to get Jaxson’s look of rage out of my mind, and cried myself to sleep. I was in the middle of a dream when the window opening startled me and I sat up, turning on the light. The clock said 2:14 a.m. and Jaxson was crawling in my window.
He stumbled into the room, bumping into my lamp and righting it with exaggerated slowness that I’d only seen on drunk people. I’d never seen him drunk though. One word out of his mouth and I knew he was.
“Spill,” he said, flinging his arm out.
“What?”
“Spill! What made you feel like you had to lie to me about Heather and Derek? Haven’t I—”
I got up on my knees and held my hand out. “Stop right there. You can’t honestly believe I’m lying…why do you think she tried to keep me from talking? They’ve both been lying to you for years. I’d hoped it ended a long time ago, but tonight confirmed that I was wrong.”
He stepped closer and my hand dropped to my side. “She was wrong to humiliate you like that. I told her so.”
I rolled my eyes. “Too little, too late.”
He nodded like he agreed and sat down on the bed, tossing his phone next to us as he took my hand. “I don’t want to fight with you. Derek and Heather—they’re my friends—but you’re the one I love,” he slurred. “More than anything.” He lowered his head and shook it and when he looked at me again, my heart fell.
“Jaxson, what—?”
“I’m just sorry. That’s all,” he said. “None of this would’ve happened if we’d gone together tonight, the way we were supposed to.”
His phone beeped and I looked down.
Heather’s face and boobs popped up on the screen, and if that wasn’t enough, the text she left…
Still coming over tonight?
I saw red.
I held the phone up to him and his face lost all color. His eyes were despondent when he finally looked at me. Ashamed.
“What did you do?” I asked, my voice as dead as I felt inside.
He put his hand on my cheek and I shook it off.
“I came over here instead,” he said.
“But you almost went to her.”
“I almost went to her,” he repeated after me, nodding. He stood up and paced in front of my bed. “You kissed Derek tonight. I’ve been so pissed at you!” he yelled.
“Keep your voice down!” I hissed. “For the last time, I did not kiss Derek. He tried to kiss me and I stopped him. When have I ever lied to you? I am not the one in the wrong here! And if you thinking I kissed him could make you turn around and think about sleeping with Heather so soon, we’re nothing.”
“That’s not true. We are not nothing.” His words were still slurring and it made him sound ridiculous.
“Get out,” I told him. “And don’t come back. Go be with Heather. I’m tired of watching you walk away from me.”
“I don’t want her-Heather,” he stuttered. “I wa—”
“Get out,” I whispered, which seemed to shout louder than a tantrum.
He heard me and deflated. “We’ll talk in the morning. I love you, Mira.”
I shook my head. “I won’t want to talk in the morning either.”
“This whole night was just a big misunderstanding,” he said, going to my window. “You’ll see.”
* * *
I began locking my window.
My mum was furious when she found out what had happened and gave Jaxson a piece of her mind when he came over, begging to talk to me. She wanted to demand that Heather pay for my dress, but I told her how awful her stepdad was and that I didn’t want to cause trouble for her, in spite of how she’d treated me.
“That girl is good,” Mum said. “She can act like the devil and everyone still walks on eggshells around her! I’m not even sure I believe she’s got it so bad at home. There have been so many lies that point back to her lying tongue.”
I remembered how her stepdad had made my skin crawl and wasn’t so sure, but I knew she had wrecked my life one too many times and I wasn’t going to watch her do it again.
I ended up not going to my own prom, the tradition forever ruined for me. Jaxson came over that night and I leaned out of the window instead of ignoring him.
“Please let me come up,” he said.
“Do you still believe I’m lying about Derek and Heather?” I asked.
“They swear up and down they’ve never slept together.” He gave the trunk of the tree a slight kick. “I’ve asked around. No one has seen them together but you. If I say I believe you, will you let me come up and let us fix this?” He looked up and put his hands together, like he was pleading.
“No, don’t bother,” I told him, shutting my window.
* * *
I was tempted to go see him the night before he left for Boston. Mum even tried to make me go to the get-together Anne and Charles were throwing for him.
“He feels really bad about the way everything ended,” Mum said. “I don’t think he’ll be home until winter break…”
“I just can’t, Mum. It’s too painful. And if I have to see Heather gloating around him, I’ll die.”
“Anne mentioned she hasn’t seen her or Derek much lately at all…specifically Heather.”
“You go. Tell him I wish him a very successful first year of college. He can go sleep with all the girls and get me all the way out of his system…”
“Mirabelle!” she said, horrified.
I shrugged. “This is why I can’t go. I’ll be hateful and ruin the night.”
She put her arm around me. “I’m so sorry, honey. I can stay home with you.”
“No, go. I’m going to take a bath and go to bed early.”
“If you’re sure. There are leftovers in the fridge. Eat somet
hing. You’re getting too thin.”
* * *
I didn’t hear from Jaxson once he left for college…maybe he was mad that I hadn’t come to his party, or maybe he’d finally given up. I was actually glad I didn’t have to constantly wonder if I was going to run into him at the beach or the grocery store…or crawling in through my window. But then late on Halloween night, he called.
I don’t know why I picked up—chalk it up to a lonely week with too much homework and nowhere I wanted to be on Halloween. I was already in bed and it wasn’t even midnight.
I said hello and then waited.
There was a long pause and he finally said, “Mira? Is this really you?”
It sounded like he was in a crowded room, maybe a party. I heard people yelling in the background and the sickening sound of girls laughing nearby. I clutched my stomach, feeling a sharp pain, and I pulled the blankets up to my chin.
“Yeah. It’s me.”
“I’m drunk,” he said. He laughed and I didn’t know if the people in the background were laughing at him or something else.
“I hope you’re being smart,” I said. “And safe. You are, right?”
“I never drink and drive and I’m practicing safe sex, yes, thank you for reminding me, Mirabelle.” He laughed again.
The tears were instant. “Okay, good to know. Bye, Jaxson.”
“Wait, Bells, I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that…”
But I hung up before he could drive the knife in further.
* * *
It was on a Saturday in December…Mum and I were Christmas shopping. She had been seeing this guy, Dave, for a few weeks and already liked him so much. I’d met him and had to admit, he seemed pretty great. She didn’t know whether she should buy him a present or if it was too soon.
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