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Goodbye Teddy

Page 9

by Stockholm, JD


  The lady at the gate lets lots of people in. Maybe she can let me in and she doesn’t look at my arm. I don't have a paper thing. She doesn’t look at lots of people’s arms. I go there quiet. Andrew thinks it is a bad idea. Maybe we get in big trouble. But she doesn’t look at my arm. I get in the blow up place. I take off my shoes very fast. Then I put them with my brother’s. My mum and dad don't get to see. I get to him very fast. He is excited I get to play. I chase him. He screams and runs away. But I am bigger than him and he doesn’t be able to get away. He laughs about it. I pick him up and throw him on the bouncy thing.

  He tries to run and knock me over. But I jump out of the way and he doesn’t get me. Then I run away and he doesn’t get me because he is little and I am big. I can run faster than he can. I laugh because he doesn’t catch me.

  It gets to be time to eat something. But I don’t go. There isn’t anything for me. I don’t want anything. I don’t listen to my tummy get hungry and I don’t want to go out. Maybe I don’t get back in because I don’t have a paper thing. My brother goes. He sits with my mum and dad. I see them laugh. They have lots of fun. Maybe because I don’t be there. It is always nice when I don’t be with them. Then my badness doesn’t make all the bad things and they don’t fight about everything.

  My brother eats all his food. My mum doesn’t write it in a book anymore. He eats lots of food. He is very fat. My dad laughs about it because he is heavier than me. I watch a film with Jason about looking for pirate treasure. It has a fat boy in it. They make him shake his fat belly. I get my brother to do that. It is very funny. But my dad shouts when my brother does it. He calls him a stupid fat demic. I don’t know what that is. But it makes my brother sad. He doesn’t shake any more.

  Eighteen

  We play in the bouncy thing for a long time. We play until three o’clock. Then it has to close for the day. The lady doesn’t catch me and my mum and dad don’t catch me too. I am very good at sneaking. My dad says we are going somewhere else.

  I help my mum and dad put all the stuff in the bags. Maybe they know I can be good. I ask my mum if she wants me to carry the food box. She says yes. It isn’t heavy because it is all empty now. I carry it. Me and Sheba walk together. She runs around because she is having a good day. I don’t have Mr. Ted. He is at home. I don’t take him lots of places because I am too big and no one knows that he is magic. I don’t tell them. He keeps the bad man away. The bad man doesn’t ever come at the new house yet. But maybe if Mr. Ted doesn’t stop him then he can come back. I hope Mr. Ted doesn’t be sad at the house all by himself.

  I put the things in the car and we drive to the new place. It isn’t very far away. It is big. It has rides like the one near my Nan’s house. But the rides look big and it is very noisy. My dad parks the car in the car park. We have to put Sheba on a lead because maybe she gets lost. I don’t want her to get lost. So I hold it and she walks with me.

  The place is called Pleasure Land. It is a big fun fair. My brother has never been to one. He was too little and didn’t go with my Nan. But my mum and dad doesn’t let her take him. Maybe she gets him lost. She will try and steal him. But she doesn’t. She is very nice. They just don’t know about it.

  We walk inside. My brother asks if he can go on the ride that looks like big giant ladybirds. My dad says yes. They have to buy a ticket. They buy it at the gate and then the man lets my brother get on. He doesn’t know which one to pick. They are lots of different colours. I ask my dad if I can go on it too. It is for babies. But maybe I can sit with my brother. Maybe if I go on the little ones with my brother, I can get to go on the big ones. I like the ones that drop from very high places. They make my breath go away and my tummy jumps up and then I scream. My Nan thinks I am crazy because I like them so much. But they are fun.

  My dad says I can’t go on the rides. He doesn’t say why. I don’t want to ask him. I try to be good. I try to keep all the badness away. I stand at the bar and I watch my brother. I smile at him. He waves his hands big at me and he yells about it. I don’t get the crying away. They come out of my eyes. But I smile to my brother. I don’t let my mum and dad see the crying. Then they will say I deserved it. It is good when I cry. I don’t want them to know. I wipe it on my sleeve when no one knows about it and then no one can call me a baby.

  My brother doesn’t see the crying part. His ride goes all high up in the sky and it spins around. He has lots of fun. I wish I got to be like my brother. Then my mum and dad could like me and I get to go on things.

  My dad buys my brother some candyfloss. My mum holds it. She gets an ice cream. I don’t ask for any. I don’t want them. I don’t like stupid candy floss anyway. Maybe the ice cream melts away and falls on her dress then she can be mad about it. My Nan buys me lots of candyfloss when we go to the other place near her house and my brother doesn’t get any. I have had more candyfloss than he has ever.

  My brother gets off the ride. He tells me all about it. He is very happy. It made his tummy tickle. He asks me if I saw him all up in the sky. I tell him I did. It was very big.

  My dad gives him the candyfloss and then my brother asks about the next ride. I don’t be allowed.

  My brother goes on lots of rides. He doesn’t go on the big ones because he gets scared. He doesn’t like them because they make his tummy tickle too much. My mum doesn’t like them too. But I do. I don’t be allowed on them.

  I don’t get anything. My brother gets lots of sweets and candyfloss. My dad says I have to ask my brother. But he doesn’t want to share it. The things are all his. He has a giant cup of coke. It is a special cup with a bendy straw. He gets to keep it and take it home. I ask my brother if I can have some. But he says no. He goes on a ride. He asks me to hold it.

  I drink some when he doesn’t look. It is cold and icy. It makes my throat freeze inside. My brother sees me drinking it. He shouts very loud about it. I put it down very fast. But my mum and dad are mad at me for it. My mum takes it off me. She shouts at me. I always do what I want. I don’t do what others say. I tell her I am sorry. I was thirsty. She says I can have a drink of water. They have fountains at the middle I can go and get some from there. But I want coke. I don’t want water. My mum says it is tough. I don’t behave so I don’t get things. It is my own fault. If I want to have things then I have to be good like my brother does. But he doesn’t be good.

  We are going to get some dinner. It has been a long day. My brother is tired. He has been on all the rides. He likes them. My mum says we can have chips. I know I don’t get any. We walk to the place that makes them. I don’t walk with them. My brother talks lots about his fun day. I don’t want to hear about it. It makes the tears come out. I don’t like when they do that. I don’t make them go away. I know my mum doesn’t like me and that I am very bad.

  My mum and brother sit at a tall thing and wait for my dad to get the fish and chips. I don’t sit with them. I know they will shout at me and then they won’t buy me any food. I don’t want to smell it. Then it makes me hungry. Me and Sheba sit at a different place. But she wants to sit with them. They have food and they give her some. I don’t go. I stay at the other table. I play with the lolly stick that is on there and I make lines on the table with it.

  My mum shouts at me. I am being a sulky pants she says. I should come and sit with them. But I don’t want to. I fold my arms on the table and then I lean on them and she can’t see my face and she doesn’t see the crying. Then she doesn’t laugh at me about it. She laughs because I sulk because I am spoilt.

  My dad brings me over some chips in a tray and some fish. He tells me I better eat it or there is trouble. I tell him thank you. I am stupid. I didn’t think they would give me food. I pick it up and go to my mum and dad’s table. I don’t know why I get all silly about it. Maybe if I just be good I can get things. Maybe I have been good and that is why I get the chips and things.

  I eat it all up. I don’t waste any. I am still hungry after. But there isn’t anything else. We are going to
walk on the seafront and then we can go to the shops. My mum wants to look at some things. I am tired. I wish we could go home. I know I don’t get anything from the shops. My brother will get lots.

  We don’t have to drive there. It is near the Pleasure Land. We walk outside and my dad gives my brother a piggy back. We go in lots of shops. I walk behind and play on the path. I don’t step on the cracks. Me and Sheba jump on them. But she doesn’t play it right and she stands on them. She doesn’t be very good.

  I walk behind my mum and dad. Maybe they forget I am there. Maybe I can go and get lost and they won’t know about it. Maybe they will be happy if I go and get lost. But I don’t know where I am supposed to go. Maybe it is scary at night outside alone.

  Nineteen

  I fall to sleep in the car. It is tired inside my head. I try to keep my eyes open. But they don't want to. My brother goes to sleep too. He is asleep very fast. Sheba sleeps on the floor. She keeps my feet warm. Sometimes she moves and then she tickles my leg because I have shorts on. It makes it itchy. She snores very loud. My dad laughs about it.

  My brother hogs the whole chair in the car. He gets in my way. He is big and fat and takes lots of space. I push him with my foot. Then he can move out of the way. But he makes a noise like a big baby. My mum tells me off about it. She tells me to stop picking on my brother. But I don't. She doesn’t know. She thinks he is good. But he isn’t. He is bad lots of times. He smiles about it. I kick him. Maybe it can hurt.

  He cries about it. He is a big baby. My mum turns around and slaps my leg. I don't cry. I am not a big baby like my brother. I fold my arms and look at my mum with my mad eyes. She tells me off. Maybe I want to get out of the car and walk home. I don't. I say I am sorry. But I don't mean it.

  I lean on my arm on the door. I watch all the lights and the people. It is nighttime. My eyes don't want to stay open. They make my head fall forwards and then it makes me jump. It makes the sick in my tummy when it happens. I don't like it. My neck feels tired too. I try to make my eyes stay awake. But they don't want to. I am very good at making my eyes stay awake. I do it at home when I am in bed. Then I stay awake all night long and read my books. Then I know the bad man doesn’t sneak in the room. Me and Mr. Ted have to watch and make sure.

  It is cold when we get home. The wind comes from the sea. It makes me shiver. I don’t have my coat. My mum says my brother has to have the blanket. She doesn’t want him to get sick again. I hope he gets very cold. Then he can freeze. Sometimes I freeze in my room. Sometimes it is so cold and I don’t get more blankets. Then I can’t move because it is so cold. I don’t like it when it is like that. Maybe I freeze to death and no one knows about it.

  I help my dad get all the things in the house. Sheba lies by the fire. My mum put it on for my brother. He has to get his pyjamas on and go to bed. He doesn’t sleep in my mum and dad’s bed. It is very late. We all have to go to bed.

  "You sleep in our room tonight," my dad says. I smile very big about it. Then I don’t have to sleep in my room. I don’t like my room when we don’t be in the house all day. Maybe the bad man got in and he can hide. I don’t get to find him. It makes me check lots of times. Maybe he is there and I didn’t look right. If I sleep in my mum and dad’s bed then he doesn’t come. He just gets stuck in his hiding place.

  Good.

  I don’t want him to come. Maybe he can freeze to death.

  When all the stuff is in the house, we put it away. My mum takes my brother to bed. I have to go and brush my teeth. And I have to use the toilet. There doesn’t be another time. I have to wait until the morning time otherwise. I make myself use the toilet. Then I don’t need it at nighttime and I don’t get shouted at when I ask about it because I wake my mum and dad up. They don’t like it when I do that. Then they ask why I didn’t go earlier when it was time. But I didn’t need it then.

  I get my pyjamas on. I don’t be allowed to wear underwear inside. My mum says when I sleep in underwear they get smelly. But I don’t like when I don’t wear them. My clothes get see-through because they are small. I try to make it all hide. But my dad still sees. He looks all the time and I don’t like it. Then he puts his finger in his mouth and makes the sucky noise. I don’t like that too. I don’t want him to do those things. They make me feel all bad inside. I try to make it wash away. But it never does. I try to make it cut away too. But that doesn’t work. I don’t get anything right.

  I go upstairs. But I don’t go in my bedroom. It is dark in there. I don’t want to. I don’t look at the door. It is made from glass. I don’t want to see if the bad man hides in there. Maybe he can see me. I tell Mr. Ted in my brain I am sorry. I miss him very much. But it is very scary in there. Maybe the bad man comes out and then he grabs me. My mum and dad are downstairs. They get the doors and windows locked. Then my dad makes some tea so he can take it to bed. My mum goes to the bathroom and then she gets changed too and brushes her teeth.

  I don’t know if I am allowed to get in bed. I don’t want to make the covers messy. My mum makes them flat and tight. Then I don’t be able to move them. Sometimes it is very hard to get in my bed. They get too tight. My brother is sleeping. He is all worn out. He didn’t wake up very much to go in the house. Then my mum and dad put him in bed when he was warm. They make him a hot water bottle for his bed too. But he has it wrapped in a cover. It makes his hands hurts when he hugs it. I think it smells funny. I don’t get one of them.

  My mum and dad have a magic blanket. It makes the bed hot. My dad plugged it in when they put my brother in bed.

  My mum and dad come upstairs. My mum turns the light off for the stairs. Then she comes up. My dad tells me to get in bed. I get in his side. Then I don’t make my mum’s side all messy. The bed is nice and warm inside. Maybe it makes me fall to sleep and I don’t know about it. My mum and dad lie in bed. My dad drinks his tea. They talk about boring things. I don’t listen. I lay still and don’t move. I don’t have Mr. Ted. I hope he is okay. I hope the bad man doesn’t get him and make him bleed to death.

  Maybe I was very tired and I didn’t know about it. I didn’t know I fell to sleep. I didn’t know my dad got my pants off. I didn’t know he was going to do the hurt thing. It hurts and makes me wake up and cry. My dad tells me to shush. It is ok. He does it nice. But I didn’t know about it. Then it makes it hurt more. I didn’t know he was going to do it. I was asleep.

  My mum has the cover off. My dad doesn’t lie on me. He makes me lie on my side. My mum gets to see. I wish I got to sleep in my own bed. Then I didn’t get the hurt part when I was asleep. Then my mum doesn’t see.

  I make my face squish in the pillow. I don’t let the crying out. I open my mouth and breathe big. The breath makes my face sweaty. It makes my head sleepy. Then I don’t think about my dad’s thing inside and I don’t think about my mum getting to see.

  My dad hugs me very tight. He gets his hand and he does the touching me part. I don’t like when he does that. He says it is good. He says that is because I like it. I don’t mean to like it. My dad hugs me with his arm on my chest. I hold his arm when it gets to the part that makes my breath go away. My dad makes the hug tighter when it is that part. He tells me it is good. I don’t look at my mum. She knows I am bad. I make everything bad.

  When he makes the noise too, then he lets me go. He doesn’t hug me anymore. I feel all cold inside. I try to hug myself up. It all hurts because I didn’t know about it. My mum puts the covers back. I don’t get my pyjamas back. I make myself into a ball. Then I can go away. I close my eyes so I don’t see. I go to sleep. I keep the tears all inside forever.

  Twenty

  I wish Jason got to play. But he doesn’t. He has a poorly tummy. He gets the sick out. But it’s okay. I have a poorly ear too. I tell my brother maybe we can play the Lego. I didn't play with him yet in the summertime. I play outside every day. Then I stay out with my friends. We get up very early in the morning. Then we ride our bikes around and play lots of games. I play outside until it is h
ome time. My mum says I have to be in at nine o’clock. I don't get to be late or it is big trouble. Then I get ready for bed and my dad reads a story. Then he does the hurt thing.

  He does the hurt thing every night. If I am very bad, then I get sent to my room and he doesn’t want to do it. I tell Mr. Ted I am sorry. I don't mean to be bad lots of times. But sometimes me and Jason get lots of fun. Then I don't know what time it is and I get in too late. My dad waits at the door in the kitchen. Then he smacks me about it and makes me sit in the chair. I don't like the chair. He makes me sit there a long time. I tell him I will be good. I make a big promise inside.

  I have to go home early because Jason doesn’t feel very good. But then I don't get in trouble because I don't be late. My brother asks me to play Lego when I come back in the house. I don’t want to play it. But I did before. I said I would play. Now my ear hurts and I feel cold inside. I don’t want to play. Maybe he can play it by himself. I wish I got to go to bed instead. But I am not allowed. It is evening time.

  My brother asks me to play. He says please lots of times. But I don’t want to. I tell him no. He starts to cry about it like a big stupid baby. My dad comes in. He was in his room reading his book. He asks what is going on. I tell him nothing. But he says I tell lies. He asks my brother. My brother tells him I don’t play Lego. He tells him I promised I would.

  My dad asks me why I don’t want to play. I tell him my ear hurts inside. But my dad says I don’t play Lego with my ear. I tell him I want to go to sleep. But he says I will feel better if I don’t mope about it. But I don’t mope. I don’t feel very good. It feels sick in my tummy like Jason. I didn’t get any medicine. The sick is just there. Maybe it wants to come out.

 

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