When I wake up again, it is day time. I can hear my mum and dad. They are all downstairs. I slept a long time again. I don't ever do that before. I try to move my mouth but it is all dry. It tastes very funny and it makes me cough. My head hurts very bad. I feel hot like maybe I will melt away forever. I try to get out of bed. My head bangs inside. It makes me stop so it goes away. It bangs at the sides like it is my heartbeat. I have to get dressed. I am not allowed downstairs when I am not dressed. I have to get them on very careful, then they don't hurt my legs. My tummy hurts because I didn't get any food yet.
When I am dressed, I go downstairs. My mum and dad are in the kitchen. Maybe they don't see me. My pants make my legs and bottom hurt. It rubs and stings when I walk. I pull my pants away from my legs. I don't ask my mum and dad if I can use the toilet. I go there very quick and they don't see me. I do that lots of times when they are in the kitchen. My dad gets mad when he catches me. I didn't ask to use it. My mum says I treat the house like a hotel. But I don't.
I go in the kitchen after. I ask my mum and dad if I am allowed to breakfast. I didn't get anything to eat all day. I don't say that part. Maybe they forgot about my dinner. I didn't make it myself either because I was asleep. I wish the stupid fisherman didn't bring me home. It is his fault. My mum is right. Nosey people make things bad. I ask my mum and dad very quiet. I don't stand near them. Maybe my dad will hit me again. My brother is sat at the table. He is playing with some toys. My mum and dad don't answer. I don't get my breakfast. I say their names. I say them lots of times. Maybe I am invisible.
I go to the lounge. Then I sit and read a book. My brother comes in. My mum is there too. She has things to put away and then she will go and make my bed nice. I am not allowed to do it myself. My brother asks me if I want to play Lego. My mum coughs very loud and makes him jump. He looks at her and then he shuts up.
I get my book and then I go in the garage. Then I don't make people mad at me all day.
Forty Two
The garage has a toilet and sink inside it. It is dirty. We are not allowed to use it. It is full of spiders and things. But the spiders don't make me scared. I like spiders. I turn the tap on. It has a little bit of water. But it isn't like the taps in the house. They have lots of water that comes out fast. But I put my face in the water and let it go in my mouth. It splashes and makes my face all wet. I drink it all down. It makes me more thirsty. Maybe I will be thirsty all day.
I drink so much water it makes me want to burst inside. I can feel it. I am not hungry anymore too. Maybe I wasn't hungry. Maybe I was just very thirsty. I remember I have running away money. My Dad didn't take it. My dad chucked my bag in my room when my mum went to make the bed tidy. Maybe I can sneak in and then get the money and go to the shop. I go back to the house. I feel excited inside. Maybe I get something to eat. My dad isn't in the kitchen. I don't know where he is. Maybe he is in his front room. He goes in there all day long and doesn't come out. My mum thinks he doesn't like being with her because he is always in there and he never comes out except to eat. He says he goes in there because she watches television all the time and he thinks it’s a lot of rubbish. He doesn't like to watch it.
Sometimes my mum puts the films on the television where people have lots of sex. She lies on the floor and she watches them. Then my dad sees when he walks past. But he doesn't come in. He stands in the hallway and watches it through the glass. Sometimes he gets his thing out and makes it move himself. My mum shouts at him when he does that. She gets mad. He isn't allowed to see it.
My mum isn't there too. My brother has his Lego out. “Where is mum?” I ask him.
“Go away,” he says. “You're bad. Mum says you’re bad. You make her cry again.”
My brother gets off the chair very fast and then he runs in my dad’s room. He is telling on me because I talked to him. I run upstairs very fast. My mum is in her room. The door is open. I go in my room and I get my runaway bag. My mum got all the clothes and food out. But she didn't take all the things out. My money is there and so are my cigarettes. I get them and then I put them in my pants and my mum and dad don't see it in my pocket. I go out of my room and shut the door very fast. Then I run down the stairs. My dad is coming. I see him come out of the room. He says my name. But I don't hear him. I get outside then I run around the house and get to the front. I run all the way to the alleyway. My dad doesn't chase me. I hide behind the bush and look at the house. My dad doesn't come out. I light a cigarette and then I hide it in case anyone sees it. I walk slow to the big shop near our house.
When I have got some sweets and chocolate, I hide them in my clothes. Then I go back to the house. I sneak to the garage and then my mum and dad don't know I am there. I sit on the cushions and I read my book. I stay there for a long time. No one comes to find me. Maybe my mum and dad are glad I went away again. Maybe that is why my dad hit me. Because the stupid fisherman brought me back and my dad didn't want him to. He should hit the fisherman instead. It’s all his fault.
My eyes get tired because I read lots. I nearly read the book all in one day. I lie down and let my eyes get some sleep. Maybe they need some more. But I get made to jump. It makes all my insides jump inside-out. I hear a big noise. It is like a big scream. I don't know what it is. My heart bangs very loud in my chest. I sit up and look out the window. Maybe the bad man came and I didn't know and then he made a noise to make me jump. He likes to make noises to make me jump. I hear the noise again. It isn't the bad man.
I go to the door and stand outside. I hear all the shouting and the screaming. I hear my brother scream very bad. It makes me feel funny inside. It nearly makes me need the toilet. My mum and dad are shouting at each other. They are in the kitchen. I can see them in the window. I put all my things away in the garage and then I get my book and go to the house. My brother is crying very bad. He cries and screams and it makes me want to cry too. I don't like when he cries like that. He nearly gets sick because he cries very hard. My dad is holding a cloth on my brother’s hand. My mum is shouting very bad.
My brother grabbed my mum’s hot iron. She says he is stupid. He knew it was hot. He could see she was ironing. She doesn't know why he grabbed it in his hand. His hand is all burnt. My dad has to change the cloth and I see it. My brother doesn't stop his crying. My dad gets a bowl and he fills it with water and then some ice from the freezer. He gives it to me and then he picks my brother up and takes him into the lounge. I go too. Then I put the bowl on the coffee table and my dad puts my brother’s hand in it.
My dad tells me to stay in the lounge with my brother. I sit on the sofa with him and I get my book. I read it to him. I start it again, but I don't read the boring parts. He sniffs when he cries and then he has the hiccup cries too. I make the story in a stupid voice and then he laughs and cries together. It makes him hiccup It is very funny. We read like that for a long time. Then he starts to cry again. I ask him if his hand hurts. He nods about it and then I tell him I will get a new bowl of water for him. I tell him I won’t be long.
My mum and dad are in the kitchen. They shout at each other lots about everything. They shout about all the things from a long time ago. I stand at the door. I don't make any sounds, then they don't know I am there. My dad sees me. He takes the bowl out of my hands and then he fills it with cold water. He gives it back to me and doesn't say anything. I ask him if I am allowed a drink. Maybe my brother wants one too. My dad gets the special cartons of orange from the fridge and gives me two. I didn't ever get to drink one before. I tell him thank you and go away very fast.
I give my brother the bowl and then the orange. I open mine. It is very sweet. It makes me screw my face up and it is cold. My brother laughs about it. I drink it very fast. I wish I got special drinks.
My dad comes in, but he doesn't come to us. He walks past us. He is mad. He slams the door open and then he slams it when he goes out. He goes in his front room and then he slams that door too. It makes me jump. Then my mum comes in. “Is he okay?” s
he asks me. I tell her yes he is. She thinks maybe we should call the Batman Doctor about it. Maybe he can come at the evening time and check my brother’s hand. Then she says she can’t because my dad is around. He is going to go to the shop and get some cream to put on my brother’s hand. My mum asks if we want some toast. I tell her yes please.
Me and my brother sit at the sofa all day until it is dark. Then we go to bed and my dad reads us a story. I lie in the bed with my brother. I pretend to be asleep. My dad does the sex part. Then I go to bed. I tell him I am sorry for running away.
Forty Three
I am not allowed to be friends with Rachel anymore. My mum says so. She says it with her mad words. She says it lots and lots of times. I get mad about it and tell her I know. But she keeps saying it so I don't forget. My mum tells me if I sneak there, there will be trouble and I will be very sorry. I tell my mum I promise. I don't see her. But I like Rachel. She wasn't bad. It was me. I wanted to run away. I try to tell my mum, but she says no. She says if there wasn't any Rachel, then I wouldn't run away. But I would. I would run away because no one likes me. I make everything bad. My mum doesn't want me. She said so lots of times. “Your father raped me when I was asleep,” she says. She says it lots when she is mad. She didn't want me because my dad made it happen. My dad doesn't like me too. He said so when I was a baby. My mum tells me about it lots of times. He looked in my bed and then he was mad and said he didn't want that. My mum should let me run away. Then she can be happy that I go away. It makes everyone happy if I go away. I don't tell her. I just tell her okay.
I see Rachel every day. My mum doesn't know. They don't know it was me who was bad. Not Rachel. It isn't fair if she is in trouble because I made it bad. I tell Rachel we have to sneak. I want to be her friend. My mum and dad are stupid. I ask Rachel if she got in lots of trouble with her mum. But she says no. She just got told off.
Me and Rachel meet each other lots of times. We meet after school at the golf course or the castle in the rocks. Then my mum doesn't know because she doesn't come to those places. We do it every day. My mum thinks I just play out with Jason. I get home every night at the right time. Then I don't get in trouble and my mum doesn't ask. Sometimes I tell her about the doctor. I tell her I saw him. But I didn't. It just comes out of my mouth. Then my mum doesn't ask anything except that. She likes me to say them things. We talk lots about him.
Sometimes I have to hide. My dad takes my Nan home or maybe my brother to the shop. Then my dad comes down the alleyways. So me and Rachel hide and he doesn't catch us. I don't want him to see me. It makes me scared when he is outside. Maybe he is looking for me. My brain says maybe he knows and then he checks to see if he can catch me. When I come home, then I get scared that he knows I have seen Rachel. Maybe he can tell because I am not a good liar.
We are going to the beach. Rachel has some friends to meet. It is a nice day and we can all hang around outside on the promenade. We have been outside all day. The sun is shining. When it gets to the evening, Rachel's friend says she wants to get something to eat. She says we can walk to the shop called Ziggy’s. They have the best chips. We have to ask our mums first because it is near town and it is a long way away. Rachel uses the telephone box and she calls her mum. Her mum says yes. I don't ask my mum. She will say no, then I will be in trouble because I asked about it. So I go anyway. Then it doesn't matter.
The chip shop feels like it takes a very long time to get to. I have been there once. I went with my Nan. She likes it there too. They make nice food. Rachel's friend buys some big bags of chips and then some coke. We sit at the window and share it. I don't eat a lot. I don't want to be greedy. I don't want them to know I don't get dinner at home so I eat lots outside. I tell Rachel's friend thank you though. We all walk along the promenade. They live near my dad’s work so they don't walk with us all the way. We say goodbye to them and then we walk near Rachel's. We walk along the promenade then we can watch all the illuminations. The road is filled with cars and people. Some people stand at the side and they sell lots of things that light up. My brother got a light up yo-yo from there. But he doesn't have it anymore. I broke it. I made it yo-yo too hard and it smashed on the floor. My stupid brother cried about it. But he is spoilt so I don't care.
We walk through a place that has a waterfall. It isn't a real waterfall. It is like a fountain and then it lights up. Lots of people stand and watch it. They throw money in it too. I stare at the money. It isn't very deep. I could get in there and get the money when no one is looking. The place has a gate. But I can climb over it when it is closed. Maybe I can come back at night when no one is around. But I keep away from stupid fishermen and then I can sneak back home. I can do it when I sleep in the garage. Then my mum and dad don't know I go away.
I walk Rachel to her house. I don't go all the way. But I stand near and then I can watch that she gets inside. I don't want to go home. It is dark. It is past 11. I go to the promenade instead. The lights haven't gone off yet. I want to smoke a cigarette before I go home. Then I can go to the garage and go to sleep. No one will know I haven't been home yet. My mum doesn't check the garage.
It is nice outside. I like when I can smell the sea and I can hear lots of music and talking because lots of people on their holidays come and then they look at the lights. I am not scared outside when it is dark. The bad man doesn't come outside. If he does, then I can run away and he doesn't catch me. I watch the lights while I smoke my cigarette. They have lots that move. I watch the one with the dancing flowers. The music sings Mary, Mary, quite contrary, and then the flowers all light up when she waters it. Lots of them are like that.
My mum and dad take my brother to see the lights. But I don't go with them. I am not allowed. I always spoil things and then it makes everyone sad in the house. My dad likes to take Sheba. She has her walk at the evenings after he has eaten. I don't think she likes the lights. But she likes all the people. They stroke her and she wags her tail very fast.
I sit on the bench and then I smoke another cigarette. I know how to smoke properly now. I make it go deep inside and it doesn't make me cough. I like when it scratches inside my throat. The lights get turned off. Then I go home. I don't like to be on the promenade when the lights are turned off. Maybe I will get in trouble and then I get made to go home and my dad knows I am out.
I walk to my mum and dad’s road. It is very bright. There are lots of lights and police cars. There are lots of people too. They look out of their windows and things. It makes me scared about it. Maybe something very bad happened. I walk down to the road and I look at the cars. I can’t see the police. Just the cars.
My mum and dad’s door is open. It makes me scared. Maybe something bad happened to my mum and dad. I hear the radios. They make crackling noises. A big policeman comes out of my mum and dad’s house. I don't like the policeman. They have handcuffs. It makes me think about the mean police at the play place. He used his handcuffs too and he did bad things. He said I was bad. The policeman talks in his radio then he comes to me and asks me my name. I tell it to him.
My mum comes out of the house. She has a mad crying face. She shouts at me. But not a bad shout. It is when she crises and shouts at the same time. “Where have you been?” she asks me. I shrug my shoulders.
The policeman tells me it is midnight and he asks where I have been. I tell him I didn't go anywhere. I was out then I came home. He tells me I made everyone worry. He tells me I can get in trouble for doing things like that. I tell him I am sorry. I didn't mean to.
My dad’s out looking for me. My mum says he has been out lots of times and he asks lots of people if they have seen me. He even asked lots of drunk people. But no one did. It makes me scared inside. My dad is going to be mad again. I don't want him to be mad. He makes it hurt very bad when he is mad.
“You have to call your Nan,” my mum says. “She is worried. We called her.”
I didn't know they would call my Nan. I tell her I will. My mum called her to see if I w
as there. But I wasn't. I was out. I walked past my Nan's house. But I didn't go inside. I nod my head. My lip shakes lots of times because I feel the crying inside. It wants to come out. My eyes get funny and I can’t see because the crying is there.
The policeman says they are going to go now. He tells me again that it was bad what I did. I nod my head and the tears fall out and on my face. I didn't mean to make the police come. He says I shouldn't treat my mum and dad like that. They are good people and they worry about me. He says if I do it again, he will be mad. I tell him I am sorry.
When the policeman goes away, my mum asks if I was with Rachel. I don't say anything. I know I am in trouble. My dad comes back too. If I say I was with Rachel, then it is bigger trouble. “I called her,” my mum says. “She didn't care that you were missing. What kind of friend doesn't care? You could have been dead or anything. She doesn't care about you.”
I don't listen to my mum. I know Rachel does. She just didn't tell my mum, then I don't get in trouble.
“This is why you can’t see her anymore,” my mum says. “She just does what she likes and then you are so stupid you go and do it with her.”
My mum says lots of bad words about her. I call my Nan. I tell her I am sorry. I tell her I was just late and I didn't mean to be. My Nan says it is okay. She was very worried. I can hear the crying too. She says my mum told her I ran away with Rachel. I don't look at the phone. I look at my feet. I tell my Nan I am very sorry. I don't mean to do the bad things. The crying comes out. My tears fall down onto my feet from high up. My Nan doesn't shout at me. She tells me to stop crying. She doesn't want me to cry. I tell her I promise. She says she loves me. Then it makes me cry lots more. I tell her I am very sorry.
Goodbye Teddy Page 19