I say goodbye to my Nan. Everyone is gone. I know my dad is going to be very mad. He always is.
Forty Four
My dad shouts at me like always. That’s all he does. He shouts and shouts. He shouts loud too, but I don’t know what he is saying. Everyone has gone away, and then he locked the door. Now he is shouting. I am hungry. I don’t know why. I ate some of the chips. I didn’t get any dinner. Maybe that is why. My dad shouts my name.
“You’re not listening to me,” he says. “What did I just say to you?”
I don’t know what he just said. I don’t say anything. I don’t even shrug my shoulders at him. He makes his arms fly about when he shouts at me. Maybe it’s supposed to make me scared. I think he looks stupid. I try not to smile. I can feel it inside. I want to laugh at him. I look at my mum instead. She is by the door. She watches my dad. She has her arms folded. She has that stupid face. Her eyes are very big; she stands by the door that goes to the dining room. I can see the kitchen. The light is on. Maybe I can get something to eat. If my dad shuts up. I sigh about it. I wish he would stop it. Then I can get something to eat and go to the garage.
I could eat some cereal. My brother’s special cereal is in the kitchen. I don’t get to eat that. Because it’s my brother’s. I don’t know why he gets special cereal. He should have diet cereal he's so fat. My dad calls him fat all the time. Maybe they should not give him dinner too. Then he can be skinny.
My dad grabs my arms. He digs his hands in very hard. “Listen to me,” he says. I tell him I am sorry. I’m not sorry. Not really. I just want him to shut up. I want something to eat. I don’t know why I do it. I just start to walk away from my mum and dad. I walk to the dining room door and open it.
“Where the hell are you going?” my dad asks me. He says more swear words, calls me lots of names. My mum starts to shout too. Both of them shout and I don’t know what they are saying. She makes my ears hurt. I wish they would both shut up. I wish I could tell them to both shut up. But I don’t.
After my cereal I am going to get the petrol and go to sleep. I am tired. My head feels like it wants to explode. Maybe it is because of my mum and dad shouting. That’s all they do.
My dad makes his shouting louder. But I don’t stop. I keep walking. He tells me to come back. He swears at me to get myself back in the ‘fucking’ lounge right now and only God is going to help me.
My mum tells me to get back in there right now, or there is going to be trouble. There always is trouble. My dad will hit me. He always hits me. My mum shouts at my dad. “Do something,” she says. They start to shout at each other. My mum is mad. She walks after me. She shouts that I need to come back and listen.
I don’t. I get a bowl out of the cupboard and then a spoon. I get my brother’s cereal down and pour it into the bowl. My mum stops at the kitchen door. My dad stands behind her. They shout so loud I think everyone will hear them. My mum folds her arms. She shouts so much that it makes her spit when she says the words.
“Put … the…bowl…down,” she shouts at me. But I don’t. I hold it in my hand and mix the cereal up. I wait for it to get soggy. “How dare you walk into my kitchen and think you can just please yourself,” she says.
My dad storms past my mum. He comes all the way in the kitchen. He shouts to put the bowl down again. But I don’t. He swears. I get some cereal and put it in my mouth. I don’t look at my dad.
“I’m going to tell you one more time, put the bowl down,” he says.
I don’t. I look up at my dad. Then I chew my cereal. He calls me names. Swears at me and knocks the bowl right out of my hand. I watch it. It lands on the floor. It doesn’t bounce. The cereal goes everywhere and the bowl smashes in a big noise on the tiles.
“Look at what you have done,” he says to me. But I didn’t do it. I didn’t smack the bowl. He did it. I was just eating cereal. I don’t tell him that. He is too stupid. He will just shout more about it. I am not going to clean it up. He can do it. I walk over it. I don’t say anything to my dad. I am going to the garage. Then maybe I can run away again and they won’t care. My dad grabs my arm to stop me. My mum is there. She stomps over too. She smacks me across the face.
My mum doesn’t ever hit me. It makes me jump. She hit me when I was little. But she doesn’t do it now. She starts to shout. “Why can’t you behave?” she says. “Why don’t you listen? What’s wrong with you? Why do you act like this? Disrespecting your father and me. I wish you were never born,” she shouts.
“It isn’t my fault you opened your legs,” I say back to her. I don’t know why I say it. But it comes out. My mum screams at me. She moves very fast and hits me hard in the face. She slaps me lots of times. She shouts that I ruin everything. She says it over and over. She hits my chest and face. I try to get backwards and get out of her way. I walk backwards all the way. She keeps hitting me. She doesn’t stop. She hits me and then I get down out of her way. I put my arms up at my head so she can’t hit my face anymore. My nose is bleeding very bad. The blood runs down my face. It goes in my mouth then it goes on the floor too.
My mum hits me for a long time. My dad tells her to stop it. He gets hold of her and then he pulls her away. She tells him to stop it. He tells her to leave it now. She has to go upstairs. “Look what you caused,” he says to me. “Are you happy?”
My mum is crying very bad. Her nose is snotty, she cries too much and it runs from her nose. I cry too because she kept hitting me. The blood doesn’t stop too. I wipe it with my hand. I don’t say anything to my mum and dad. I don’t say I am sorry about it. The tears come out. I don’t stand up. I let my legs flop out and then I sit on the floor. My dad takes my mum out of the kitchen. I watch them. They go up the stairs. Maybe they go to bed.
I sit on the floor for a long time. I get my top and put it at my nose. The bleeding stops. My mum and dad haven’t come back. It has been a long time. I look at the cereal on the floor. I get the dustpan and brush. Then I pick up the bowl and food. I wrap it in paper from the big cupboard. I am not allowed to put it in the bin. My mum says that it makes the bag split. Then rubbish goes everywhere.
I wrap it in the newspaper and put it by the bin. I can’t put it on the side or it makes the print go on there and that is dirty too. I don’t want to walk through the dining room and lounge. It is dark there. My dad turned the lights off. I think about the bad man. I can feel him there. I know he hides. I know he will come because I am bad. Even though he doesn’t come for a very long time. Maybe this time he will. I can feel it. I feel when he comes to get me and then he bites and scratches. It makes me scared inside. It makes my neck tingle at the back and then it goes cold because I think about him.
I walk very slow. I listen to everything. I look at the glass walls. It makes me scared to look. What if I see him? I don’t want to. Maybe his face is there and he is staring at me. I see his face lots of times in my head. His stupid smile. His dark face and bad eyes. I get to the bottom of the stairs. My heart bangs very fast. If it bangs anymore it might bang itself out. I put my foot on the step. Then I run. I run very fast all the way up the stairs. I can feel it scared in my back. I run to my door, open it and turn on the light. No bad man is there.
I close my door and get my pyjamas on. I know tomorrow I will be in trouble. I go to bed.
Forty Five
My mum and dad don’t talk to me a lot now. Maybe I made them hate me too much. I don’t talk to them too. I don’t want to. They are stupid. My mum just gets mad and then she shouts at me or my dad tells me to go away. He always tells me to go and play in the road. I tell him to shut up. I always say bad things to them when I talk. I don’t know why. It just comes out and then I walk off before my dad gets mad. I like it when they get mad though. My mum wishes I would go away. She says that lots of times. She tells me to get lost. She uses swear words too. I just go in the garage and smell the petrol. Then I don’t have to talk to them. One day I can smell it too much and go away.
I have the rash under my
nose from it. It burns sometimes. My mum says it looks stupid. I tell her then it looks like her. She swears at me. I don’t go to the garage tonight though. It is Friday. I don’t go on Fridays because my Nan comes around still. She sits in the lounge watching the television. It is late. Nearly time for her to go home. We have eaten all the dinner and cleaned it all away. My mum watches the television too. She lies on the floor by the fire. I don’t know why she has my Nan in the house. She says she doesn’t like her. She called her bad names today. My Nan brought some perfume for my mum. My mum told her off about it. She told my Nan it was a waste of money. My mum is just mean to my Nan. It is nice that she got a present. I wish I could tell her to shut up.
I sit at the table in the dining room. I have lots of homework to do. I write my stories too. I like to do them better than my homework. I wish I could go in the garage instead. But I can’t. I can tomorrow. When I have seen Rachel and my mum doesn’t know about it. That’s how stupid she is. I see Rachel all the time and my mum doesn’t know.
The phone rings behind me. I look at my mum in the lounge. She doesn’t get up to answer it. My dad is in the shower. I don’t want to go in there and get him. I had to go in there when I needed the toilet. Then he did all the stuff to me. He always does the sex things in there when I go to the toilet. I don’t want to go in; in case he does it again. My stupid fat brother is on the sofa. He is playing his new game thing. My dad bought it for him and they bought him a little television to play it on. He is so spoilt. I wish he would go away. Sometimes I want to hit him in the face and make him cry. He is such a baby. Maybe his thing can break and then he can cry.
I answer the phone because no one else does. I am not allowed to answer it really. My mum likes to answer it first. No one else gets to do it. It is a man’s voice on the phone. He asks to speak to my mum. But he doesn’t say her first name. He calls her Mrs. I ask who it is calling. He says his name is Craig.
I don’t say anything to him. It makes me feel funny inside. I know who Craig is. He is my big brother. He got taken away when he was a baby. He cried too much when he was six weeks old. My mum threw him at the fireplace. She made his skull cracked and the bone in his shoulder too. He didn’t die though. But my mum got in trouble and the social worker took him away. Then he had to go and live with another mum and dad. My mum says they did it on purpose. They steal babies from people that do nothing wrong. It was a long time ago though. He is four years older than me. I tell him I will get my mum.
I go to the lounge and say mum. She doesn’t answer. She doesn’t look at me or anything. I say it again. I am not allowed to talk when she watches her soaps. She can’t get any peace. That’s what she says all the time. So I am not allowed to say anything. Even if I am dying I have to wait.
“What do you want? I’m watching my soaps,” she says. She doesn’t get up. I tell her there is someone on the phone for her. “Tell them to call back,” she says. She never talks to anyone when it is soap time. Not ever.
My Nan looks at me. “Who is on the phone?” she asks.
I look at my mum again. “He says he is Craig,” I tell them both.
My mum sits up very fast. She looks at my Nan and then me. “Craig?” I nod my head. My mum starts to cry. She says oh god lots of times. I didn’t mean to make her cry. I close the dining room door. I pick up the phone and say hello to Craig again. He says hello back. I tell him she will come in a minute. She is just shocked.
Craig went away for a long time. She has missed him very bad. She tells me all the time. They took him away. It was all their fault at the social services. They wanted to steal him because it makes them lots of money to take babies away. They tried to steal me too. But she didn’t let them. The doctor came every day and then he checked on me and made sure I was okay. I was and then he told the social worker woman and so she left us alone and didn’t take me away. When I feel very mean with my mum, I tell her that Craig was lucky and everyone should be taken away. It makes her sad when I say that.
Craig has another mum and dad. I don’t know who they are. They live in Liverpool. They adopted him. Craig talks with a Liverpool accent. I like it. My mum gets up. I see her through the glass. But she doesn’t come in the dining room for the phone. She goes to get my dad. She knocks on the bathroom door and shouts my dad. She opens it and then I hear her tell him about Craig on the phone.
They come in the dining room after. My mum takes the phone. “Hello,” she says and then she starts to cry.
They all talk for a very long time. My mum talks when my dad takes my Nan home and she is still talking when he comes back. I talk to Craig too. It makes me very excited. I wished he had been my big brother all the time.
He calls lots of days in the weeks. I don’t talk to him all the time. It is a month later and he calls. I answer the phone. He sounds like he is mad. He asks to speak to my dad. I get him. Craig has fallen out with his other mum and dad and they don’t want him there anymore. He asks my dad if he can stay. My mum and dad didn’t meet him yet. My dad asks my mum and they are very nice to him. They tell him of course he can come. They have missed him so much. He tells them they are very nice.
He is going to come in the morning. He will catch the train and then my dad will pick him up. I can’t wait. He is going to sleep in one of the other bedrooms. I go to the garage and sit on the cushions. I smell the petrol and lie down. It makes me close my eyes. I think about Craig coming. Maybe he can live with us. I hope he does. Then my mum and dad can be happy. They missed him a lot. I close my eyes and go to sleep. I sleep for a long time. It is light when I open my eyes.
Forty Six
Craig is so tall. He is taller than my dad. But not as big. My dad rides motorbikes; it makes him very big and strong. Craig is skinny but tall. He has dark hair though. Like my mum. He looks like my brother. Just very much bigger. He has been here a few days. My dad picked him up from the train station. There was lots of crying and hugs and things. I didn’t. I just stood at the back and watched them. I like the way he talks. I like the Liverpool accent. He sleeps in the spare bedroom that is next to the bathroom. I like that he is in there. Then I can go to the toilet at night time.
He is funny and nice. He talks to my mum a lot. She cried when he came. She hugged him and cried and said she was sorry. She missed him a lot. But the social services took him away. Craig cried too. He likes to watch television. He watches it and then my brother can’t. My brother is fat and stupid. He cries because he is bored. I laugh at him and tell him to shut up. He has lots of toys and things. He can go and play with them. Maybe he could go outside. But he doesn’t have any friends. They all think he is stupid too. He had one friend called Thomas. But he doesn’t play anymore. He doesn’t like my brother. They are both spoilt and then they fell out.
Craig is there when I come home from school. It is nice and sunny and he is outside with my mum. I have to go upstairs and change out of my uniform. Then I can make something to eat. I have to do it quickly before my mum needs the kitchen. Craig follows me into the house. I go upstairs but he follows me there too.
“Go away,” I say to him. I want to get changed and I don’t want to be slow or I miss making some food. He asks me if he can have some money to buy cigarettes. I tell him I don’t have any. He opens the tin that is on my desk. It doesn’t have lots of money in it. Just some coins. I put them in there when I get home. I save them. I sell cigarettes at school. Then I buy some more and sell them too. Then I save the money I get from it in the tin. Then I don’t have to steal off my dad. I save my lunch money too. I can steal the food from the shops. No one sees me. I am very good at it.
The tin only has about two pounds in it. But he can’t have it. It is mine. I tell him no. “Why not?” he says. “I’ll give it back to you.”
But I don’t want to give him the money to buy cigarettes. It is my money not his. I got it. He should ask my mum and dad. They love him so much. They will give him the money for it.
“If you don’t lend m
e the money, I’ll tell mum you smoke,” he says to me. Then he grabs my bag. I try to take it away, but he is bigger. He gets my arms and he twists it around until I let go. I punch him in the side and tell him to stop it and get lost. He opens my bag and gets my cigarettes out. It makes me scared because maybe he finds the money that is notes. But he doesn’t. I didn’t know that he knew I smoked. Maybe he saw me do it. Maybe he smells it. He takes my cigarettes. I try to get them out of his hands, but he says he will squash them if I do. Then he laughs about it and goes downstairs.
I hate him. He is so stupid. I get changed and put my bag back. Then I get the money and hide it so he can’t find it. It is mine and he can’t have it. He made me late too. Now it is nearly four and I missed the time in the kitchen. I can’t make any dinner. I wish he would go back to his other mum and dad.
I go out to play with Rachel. We meet at the golf course. She is late so I play on the rope. We have a rope that we tied to a tree. It goes over some nettles. I fell one time when I had shorts on. I slipped and landed in the nettles. It hurt very bad because I had nettle stings all on my leg. My dad thought it was funny. Now I don’t slip. I swing and wait for Rachel.
When she comes, I tell her about Craig and that he is stupid. I don’t tell her he pinched my cigarettes. She will say that is good. I am not allowed to stay out late because Craig is there. My mum doesn’t want him thinking she lets me stay out until all hours and she wants to lock the house up for the night instead of waiting for me. I am not allowed to stay in the garage.
Goodbye Teddy Page 20