Goodbye Teddy

by Stockholm, JD

  I fall off my stool and then Lewis comes too. I don’t fall on the floor though. I land on my feet. Lewis calls me names. He tells me that Mr. Royal isn’t there to save me. But he can hug me later when we are alone and I want to cry about lots of things. I tell Lewis whatever. He is stupid. He doesn’t know. Me and Mr. Royal talk about science things. He knows I want to be a doctor. He asks me about it. Sometimes he gives me the books that he doesn’t want anymore. I like them. They are all chemistry books. I read them at home. Lewis starts to say about the sex again. I punch him in the stomach. It makes people laugh, then they shout fight about it. Mr. Royal walks in. We are in trouble.

  Me and Lewis stop it. We look at Mr. Royal. He stares at us. I feel very bad inside. I didn’t mean to do something bad. He asks what’s going on. I tell him nothing. He asks for the paper I have. I give it to him. He puts it on his desk and then he tells us to pick all the bits up. Lewis says I did it. He isn’t picking any up. Mr. Royal tells him he has to. But I tell Mr. Royal that I made the mess. I am sorry. I will clean it all up. It makes my eyes feel like they want to cry. It makes it feel bad inside. I don’t mean to do bad things. I just do them. Mr. Royal will tell me to go away now. When I am bad, everyone tells me to go away. No one really likes me. It’s always pretend. Then they just go away like my mum and dad do. That’s why I don’t have lots of friends. Just Aadi. But he doesn’t stay with me at school. He has better friends than me in his class.

  I don’t do anything bad all lesson. I don’t look at Lewis. He tries to make me. He nudges my arm. He does it hard with his elbow. But I move mine out of the way. Then he can’t. Mr. Royal says we have a detention at lunchtime. Just for 15 minutes. We have to write about what we learnt in class. If we don’t do it, then we get detention all week. I didn’t mean to make Mr. Royal sad about what I do. I know he is. He doesn’t talk to me much in the class. Not like he does on other days. Maybe he isn’t talking to me.

  When chemistry is finished, Mr. Royal tells me and Lewis that we have to sit and talk about the lesson. Then we have to write about it. He says he will be back in a moment. He has to go and get some papers. But he can hear us. We better not fight. I promise I won’t. He says he expected more from me. I don’t look at him. I am very sorry.

  I don’t talk to Lewis when Mr. Royal goes away. I write about the lesson on the paper. I write fast. I write lots of words. Lewis asks me what I am writing. I tell him I am writing about the class. He asks if he can look. Maybe he can copy. I tell him yes. He isn’t very good at writing things. He says I am clever. I always write the good things.

  He copies it all down. Mr. Royal doesn’t come back yet when we finish. We sit and wait. We talk about lots of things because Lewis gets bored. He is nice. I didn’t know he was nice. Maybe he is just mean to make people go away.

  Lewis has two brothers. They are little. He has a mum and a dad. But they don’t live at the same house. He likes music like me. He likes Iron Maiden. I tell him I like ACDC. My dad listens to it. He asks me if I want to come out on the weekend. He says it is a really good place they all go. There are lots of people there. I think about Rachel. Maybe she will be sad if I go.

  Lewis has a girlfriend. He tells me about her too. He tells me he has sex with her. He asks if I ever do it. I don’t answer. Then he says he bets I don’t ever have sex. He smokes too. He asks if we should go for a cigarette. Then when Mr. Royal comes back, we can sneak there. I don’t smoke at school. I don’t want them to see and then they tell my mum and she tells my dad. Then I get told off for it. Lewis says him and Chris have a good place to smoke. “Do you want to come?” I nod and Mr. Royal comes back.

  Chris is waiting outside. He gives me a stupid look. I don’t say anything to him. Lewis tells Chris that I am coming to the smoking place. It is behind the tennis courts. We have to sneak through the bushes. Then we jump over the ditch. No one can see us. I look out. I didn’t know about this place. I like it. It is like the den at the golf course. Chris tells me I have to give them cigarettes because they showed me their secret place. I do. We smoke them.

  When the bell rings we wait for everyone to go away. When they are gone, then we can come out and no one can see us. It makes us late. We run very fast to our lesson. Lewis and Chris sit next to me at the front. Maybe they are my friends.

  Forty Nine

  I hang around with Lewis and Chris every day. We meet in the morning at the ditch behind the trees and then we smoke cigarettes. We go to class after. They are in a different form than me but we have the same subjects after. We meet at lunchtimes too. I like them. I like Lewis. I don’t think Chris likes me a lot. He snaps and swears. But I don’t care. He's stupid sometimes, that’s all. Lewis is nice. He just likes to laugh about lots of things. I don’t have lots of nice friends.

  I have been to Lewis’s house too. We didn’t tell Chris about it. Chris doesn’t like the music we like. He thinks it sounds bad. He likes all the pop dance stuff. I go to Lewis’s house and we listen to music and play football. His mum is nice too. She lets me stay for dinner. Then she gives me a ride home and I don’t get in trouble for being late. My mum and dad don’t like her very much. They say she is just looking for a man for his money and no wonder her husband left her. I don’t say anything about it. I let my mum say all the bad words. I don’t think his mum is bad.

  I haven’t seen Rachel a lot. It makes me sad about it. Maybe she is sad too that I don’t see her. But she doesn’t want to come when I go and see Lewis. She doesn’t like him very much. He smokes and she thinks it is bad. But I like Lewis. I can smoke and we do lots of things that Rachel doesn’t like to do.

  I walk to school by myself. Rachel doesn’t meet me anymore. But it’s okay. I put my music on. I make tapes with lots of it on. My mum lets me. She has a big stereo that has two tape places and she lets me make tapes and then I listen to them on my stereo. I show them to Lewis. He likes them too. Chris gets mad and then he goes away. He says we are both idiots. Lewis laughs about it.

  I walk to school today. I can’t wait to show Lewis the new music I have. It is good. I got it from Jason. He likes music too. It has swearing in it. I don’t let my mum hear it. She gets mad. She says that it makes me bad to listen to that stuff. But it doesn’t. I have to walk all the way around the school to get to the tennis courts. The teachers don’t let us walk in the car park when it is morning because of the cars. It is stupid. We are not babies. We don’t get run over.

  There is something white on the ground. It looks like an envelope. I stop and then I kick it. It jangles like money. No one is around. No one can see. I look about and then I pick it up. Someone must have dropped it. But I don’t know who it is. I open it. It has a paper inside. It is for a trip. It says the person’s name. But I don’t know who they are. There is fifteen pounds inside it.

  I can give it to the teachers in the office. Then they will know who it is and give it back to them. Fifteen pounds is lots of money. Maybe they don’t know that it is lost. I look at the path. No one sees me. Maybe I can keep the money. I put it in my pocket fast and then I put the paper back in the envelope and put it on the ground again. I run away very fast and go to the ditch.

  Lewis and Chris are there. Lewis asks me why I am out of breath. I tell him I was running. He gives me a cigarette and I light it up. He asks if I am coming out at the weekend. I tell him yes. We are going into town. Then I pull the money out of my pocket and show him. “Where did you get that?” he asks me. I tell him that I found it. We can split it into three. Then we get five pounds each.

  I give Chris and Lewis their money. Lewis says we can meet at his friend’s house. Then we can get some drinks. Chris thinks I haven’t ever drunk beer before. But I have. I don’t tell him it was my dad’s. But I say I drank it lots of times. He laughs and says I am a liar. Lewis says we can buy some cider with it.

  When I am in class, I check my pocket lots of times. I don’t want the money to fall out and get lost. So I check it is there and it didn’t go away. I sit
in history at the front and I check it is there. Then the classroom door opens and the lady from the office asks if she can speak to me. My history teacher says yes. I have to go to the office. My form teacher, Mrs. Morris, is there and so is the head teacher. She asks me if I found some money today. I don’t say anything. Maybe I can lie and they don’t know.

  Mrs. Morris says I have to tell her. Chris said I found some money that belonged to someone else. She has the envelope too. Maybe she went to get it. I don’t know why he told. He is stupid. I want to go and shout at him about it. Mrs. Morris asks me if I have the money left. I nod my head. But I don’t do it big. I don’t want her to see. She says I have to give it back. It isn’t mine. I get the five pounds and give it to Mrs. Morris. She asks me where the rest is. The paper says fifteen pounds. She has the money off Chris and me. I tell her that Lewis has it too. I feel very bad. Now Lewis gets in trouble. Maybe he hates me.

  They ask me what I think they should do now. But I don’t know. I don’t want them to tell my mum and dad. I will get in very big trouble about it. Maybe they will make me go away like Craig. He was a thief and he wasn’t allowed there anymore. I try not to cry. I don’t let it fall out. I tell them I am very sorry. I didn’t mean to do it. I feel very scared inside.

  Mrs. Morris says that because I don’t do lots of bad things, this time it is a detention. But anything else, then she will tell my mum and dad all about it. I don’t stop the crying when she says that. She gives me a tissue. I tell her thank you. When the crying stops, she tells me to go back to class.

  Fifty

  (Age Thirteen)

  We are going to the doctor’s today. My mum says I have to go because I get lots of headaches. I get them all the time. Sometimes they are so bad that they make me crawl on the floor. They feel like my head bangs like my heartbeat. Sometimes they make me feel sick. I don’t like the light when I get them very bad, but it makes me afraid to turn the light off. What if the bad man comes? What if I can’t see him and he gets me? My mum says the doctor can look at the bit under my nose. But I don’t want him to look. Maybe he will know that it is because of the petrol. He might tell my mum and then I will be in trouble again.

  The petrol makes my mouth sore. It makes it crack at the side too. But I like the smell of it. I like when my head gets very fuzzy and then I go to sleep. I don’t get scared when I smell the petrol. I don’t tell anyone about it though. Except Lewis. I told him. He didn’t get mad about it. He thought it was cool and asked if he could try it.

  I let him, but I had to sneak him in when my mum and dad wasn’t in. They go out at the weekends. They always go and don’t tell me. I waited for them to go away and then I sneaked him in the garage and we sat and sniffed the petrol. He sniffed it very deep inside. It made him cough, but he liked it. He said it made him feel a little bit sick though. We didn’t tell Chris. I don’t want him to know things. If he knew about the petrol, then he would tell someone and get me in trouble so I keep it a secret. I told Lewis not to tell Chris too.

  Lewis doesn’t get the marks on his face though. He doesn’t do it like I do. Just when he sneaks at my house. It is not a lot. Sometimes at school, though, he gets the correction fluid and then he puts it inside his jumper and smells it. I try it too. It is like petrol. It makes my head funny too. But I don’t like to do it at school because then I can’t listen in the class and then I get bad marks.

  My mum takes a long time to get ready to see the doctor. It takes her hours and hours. She makes her hair and clothes nice. Then she comes out to the lounge and she spins around. “Well?” she asks me. I say she looks nice. I don’t like the clothes though. Her skirt is too short and it looks stupid. I can see her bottom under it. But I don’t tell her. I don’t want her to tell my dad I said mean things to her. Then I will be in trouble and he makes me sit on the chair in the dining room.

  I hate the chair in the dining room. I sit there a lot of times. I have to sit there even when my legs go numb. I don’t like it when it’s like that. My dad makes me walk but my leg and foot tingles and then it feels fat.

  My mum always goes to the doctors. She goes every week. She takes my brother lots of times because he is a baby and has to see the doctor for little things like sneezes. When I go with her, she laughs at lots of things the doctor says. I tell her to shut up in my head. She is so stupid. She makes herself look stupid too. It is a pretend laugh. She laughs when he says things that aren’t a joke.

  She has a picture of him in her purse. My dad doesn’t know. She got it out of the newspaper. She showed it to me when she talked to me. She has a big picture too. She has it in a frame and keeps it in the drawer at the bottom of her bureau then my dad can’t see it. When the doctors got a new surgery, there was a picture of all the doctors so she ordered a copy of the picture. She was very happy when she got that too. My brother saw it once. He asked me why she has a picture of the doctor. I smacked him and told him to stop looking in my mum’s drawers.

  Sometimes, though, I tell my mum I don’t feel well. She likes it when we don’t feel well, then she makes us stay off school and then she calls the doctor. Sometimes when I go and get my lunch money, I cough, then she asks me if I feel okay. I tell her no and that I have a sore throat. She tells me to go back to bed then.

  I like going to see the doctor, he is nice. I listen to the things he says. Then after, when we walk home, I can tell my mum. She asks about everything he said. She wants to know if he said it happy or sad. Sometimes I look at him and remember what he is wearing. Then, when I tell my mum I see him near the house, I can say what clothes he has on. I don’t mean to lie to my mum. But it happens. Then she is nice to me because he makes her happy. So I say them. Then I feel bad.

  When we go to the doctor’s, we have to go last. We have to sit in the waiting room a long time. It makes me bored. I take my book to read. My mum says he does it on purpose. He does it because then he has lots of time to be with my mum and no one is rushing. I like to talk to him. He asks me lots of questions about things in the body. He tells me lots of doctor things. He tells me what subjects I have to take to be a doctor. I write them in a list and then I don’t forget. He tells me I have to do my best at school. I tell him I try very hard.

  I know it is bad to pretend I don’t feel well. But I can’t help it. She took my brother to the doctor’s about his hand. The doctor was very nice to him. I went too. But I stayed at the door. My mum said I had to go then they know it wasn’t on purpose. “Those people just want to steal children,” she says. Because they stole Craig away. So I go too and then she isn’t afraid and I can tell them it is because my brother is stupid and he grabbed the iron.

  We are going to the doctor’s today when I get home from school. I am excited. I made my mum a painting too. She might like it because she is seeing the doctor and it makes her happy. I took ages to do it. I did it in my art class. It is two otters on a log. My teacher put it on her wall. Now she says I can take it home. We made a frame for it too. I am going to give it to my mum. Then she knows she is the best mum.

  I get home and my mum is getting ready. She is in the bathroom. I run upstairs and get changed. Then I wait for her. I give her the picture. She smiles about it. She says it is very nice. I tell her I worked a lot on it. She says she is going to put it away. Then we can go to the doctor’s. She takes it upstairs and then we go.

  We go to the doctor’s and we are last again. But he says maybe I have migraines. He gives me medicine for it. I don’t like medicine. Medicine makes me sick. But I have to take it. My mum asks if we should come back. The doctor says yes. He wants to see if the medicine works.

  I am not going to take it. I will pretend. Then I won’t tell my mum I have a headache. Then she won’t know I didn’t take it. I don’t want to be sick.

  Fifty One

  One of my favourite things at school is English class. I like it when we have to write essays. I write long ones all the time. I like to make them different. Our teacher says we have to write a
story about the word escape. I don’t want to do an escape story. Everyone does those. They will be boring. I draw a computer. I am going to write about and little boy’s escape key that comes to life and talks to him.

  I am very excited to write it. I like to write stories so much I write pages and pages. I am excited when we get them back from the teacher. I hope she likes it. She reads lots of my stories out to the class. I like it when she reads them out, but it makes me feel funny inside and I don’t want to look at anyone. She brings all the escape stories back. She has a very big pile. She takes two off the top and says she is going to read them. I hope she reads mine. I cross my fingers and say please lots of times in my head.

  Please read my story.

  She stands at the front of the class with two stories. One of them is mine. I can’t keep the smile away. But it makes me nervous inside about it. What if she thinks it is bad? She starts to read it and I know when the funny parts are. I have to keep from laughing or I will spoil it. I like it when the class starts to laugh. Especially when the escape key scares Mr. Royal. The teacher laughs too when she reads it. She has a big smile on her face. She tells me well done when she gives it me back. I have an A on it.

  I keep thinking about it when I walk home from school. It makes me smile when I walk. I try not to laugh, then people think I am strange. I laugh about it when I get home too. My mum sees. “What are you laughing at?” she asks me. I make my smile go away. I don’t want to tell her. But I tell her there was a funny story. My mum doesn’t listen anyway. She doesn’t ever. She asks me if I can go and get the rest of the clothes in the ironing pile from her wardrobe. She is ironing in the kitchen. I tell her yes. I run upstairs as fast as I can. Then I get dressed quickly. If I get down fast enough, I can make some dinner too.

  I go in my mum’s room. She keeps the ironing in her wardrobe. It is a special one. It is in the wall and has a sliding door. I open it. I get the washing out. Then I see my picture. The one with the otters on it. She has put it in the pile where she puts the things my Nan gives her that she doesn’t like. They are in a box at the bottom. I pick it up and look at it. Maybe she threw it in. The glass has a crack. I stare at it a long time. It makes me feel bad inside. I try not to cry. She could say she didn’t like it then I would give it my Nan. I know my mum doesn’t like lots of my drawings. She says they are scary. But the otters weren’t. They were babies and it was all nice and blue.