Unforgiven (Wanderers #3)

by Jessica Miller

  The door slammed so hard behind us I thought it would have fallen off it’s hinges. I felt my heart drop down to my stomach. I let out a breath and ran a shaky hand through my hair. My body was so numb I forgot Dean was holding my hand until he pulled me into him for a hug. “Are you okay?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, pulling away. “You didn’t have to do that. I mean there’s no sense in having dad pissed at both of us.”

  “No, but it was about time I took a stand too. I’m not going to deny that dad has been a little easier on Xander and I but that doesn’t mean we haven’t gotten our fair share of live by his rules or else speeches. And I know dad puts more pressure on you than us and that’s not fair. He shouldn’t have come down on you like that. We all make bad choices, but that’s just a part of life and that’s how we learn to make the right choices. I also believe you know in your heart what the right choices are.”

  “When did you get so smart?” I teased.

  “When you started being the bad seed,” he laughed. He made me smile which helped lesson some of the pain.

  “Hey,” Josie said, peeking her head around the corner. “Um, I kind of heard what happened. Well, we all heard. Are you guys okay?” I rushed Josie and nearly crushed her in a bear hug. “Oh, okay, not so good I take it.”

  After the fight with my dad the only thing I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry, but that would accomplish nothing and I’ve spent enough of my time crying to never want to have to again. Instead I took a walk through the garden and tried to push everything from my mind. I still had an important task at hand and now that I was free from my father’s chains I could rest easily. At least that’s what I thought. My heart had a different story.

  I stopped down by the end of the pond and took a seat. I picked at the blades of grass, ripping them to shreds, and throwing them into the pond. “You keep that up and you will be replanting my grass tomorrow.” I let out a harsh laugh. Of course, next to my father, she was the last person I wanted to deal with. Deirdre took a seat next to me on the picky grass. I waited for a lecture but it never came. Instead she surprised me by taking my hand. “He will forgive you,” she said.

  I turned to look at her, stunned by her kindness. “I’m not so sure of that,” I replied. I tried really hard not to lose it, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I cried. Deirdre pulled me into her and I rested my head on her lap while my soul wept. She didn’t speak. She just sat, with her arm around me while I poured my heart out.

  The quiet was soothing and the garden was relaxing. Eventually I pulled myself together and sat up. I turned to her and she just looked at me with sadness in her eyes. She wiped away my leftover tears. “Princesses don’t cry,” she winked. Before I could comment she started to stand. “Time for bed.”

  I looked at my watch. “It’s like seven thirty?” She narrowed her eyes, showing me the Deirdre I knew. “Okay,” I said, getting up to help her. She slipped her arm through mine as I helped her walk back to the house. “Um, Deirdre? I just wanted to say thank you.”

  She gave me a slight smile before her normal scowl returned. “You complain too much.”

  “What?” I said, looking at her confused as hell. “How was that complaining?” She ignored me and went back into the house. I just shook my head. I was slowly learning with Deirdre not much of what she says makes any sense. Now I knew where Tristan got it from.

  Everyone else was in the living. When I entered they all turned to me expectantly. “I think it’s safe to say we can check back into a hotel,” I told them.

  “You don’t have to. You can stay here,” Josef said. The look on his face said he didn’t want us to leave.

  “That you, but we couldn’t impose.”

  “You’re not imposing,” he said with a slight plea in his eyes.

  “Josef,” Caleb put a kind hand on his arm.

  “Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for us. I don’t know how I could ever repay you.”

  “Just bring my grandson back,” Caleb smiled, giving me a gentle hug.

  “I will do whatever it takes to find him,” I promised.

  We gathered our things, said our goodbyes, and headed out to the car. Since my dad knew where we were there was no point in hiding anymore. It was safe to go back to a hotel. Plus I could not take another night of getting beat up by Josie or sleeping on that couch.

  I was the first to wake in the morning. Since it was early I decided to let everyone else sleep. I went downstairs to get some breakfast. I sat in the little café, waiting for my food, and stared out the large glass windows. After the waiter refreshed my orange juice, I took out my phone and placed it on the table. I knew I would have to do it eventually and the longer I waited the worse it would get. I sat there and stared at it as if it was a ticking time bomb. Before I lost all nerve, I picked it up, and listened to my voicemails. The first one was from Riley.

  Ella, where are you? Billy and Josie are gone and so are Cameron and Dean, but I’m pretty sure they’re with you. I’m sorry about everything that happened and can understand why you would want to leave, but running away from your problems is not going to help. I’m sorry I…I didn’t mean to lecture…I just…What I’m trying to say is I miss you and you need to come back. And well I just hope you’re okay…please call me.

  It felt good to hear Riley’s voice. It made me wish I could have brought her with. I sent her a quick text that said –

  I’m fine. Promise, talk soon don’t contact me I’ll contact u.

  I couldn’t call her because I knew if she picked up I wouldn’t be able to lie to her. I also knew Roman would attack her with questions if he found out she heard from me and I couldn’t let her go through that. The best was to keep it short and sweet. The waiter delivered my food and I suddenly didn’t think eating was such a good idea anymore. I pushed the plate away and let out a breath before I listened to my next message.

  It was Roman.

  Ella, hey…I don’t know where you are or what’s going on? I’m sorry if I did anything. Ugh!

  He cried. I could hear the frustration in his voice.

  Ella, everyone is worried about you. Riley, Sienna, Dixon, Gabe, well Gabe doesn’t really say much, but I know he’s worried. We just need you back…I need you. So please whatever is going on. Whatever it is…I’ll help you. Just call me please…I love you.

  I could no longer eat. The sight of my food made me want to throw up. I left the café and headed back up to my room. I didn’t even bother listening to the rest of the messages knowing I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

  Both Josie and Cameron were gone. Well, one of them was. I could hear the shower running, but wasn’t sure who was in there until I heard Josie bust out the chorus to ‘Baby got back’. I smiled weakly as I crawled back into bed and pulled the covers up over my head. Five minutes later I heard the shower turn off and Josie step out of the bathroom. She walked straight over to the bed and pulled the covers back. “Good morning sleeping beauty,” she smiled, then took a second look at me. “What’s the matter?”

  “I listened to the voicemails from Riley and Roman,” I said softly.

  “Oh honey, why would you torture yourself like that?”

  “I don’t know,” I shrugged.

  She sat down next to me. “Don’t worry. I’m sure once Riley knows the real reason you left she’ll understand and as far as Roman, well. We’ll figure that out later. No need to worry about it now.”

  “I guess.”

  “Why don’t you go take a nice long bath? Josef called while you were away and he said he’d stop by around noon.” I took Josie’s advice and took a very long, very needed, bath.

  After my soak, I got dressed, and joined everyone in what was now the boy’s room, where they had already ordered lunch. I realized skipping breakfast wasn’t such a good idea because now I was starving. Josef showed up sometime after we had finished eating. “Hey Ella, I wanna help.”

  I looked at Josef confused. “Wit
h the search. I still want to help you guys if you don’t mind?”

  “Um yeah, that would be great,” I said, giving him a small smile.

  After lunch I was ready to get back into the swing of things, but both Billy and Dean thought it would be better if we went in small groups instead one big one to help cover more area and seem less intimidating to the locals.

  Over the next few days Billy and Dean took turns with Josie, Cameron, Josef, and me and continued to search for Tristan. My mom and Roman called almost every day and I avoided their calls every day.

  Each night when we came back my hopes were shot down. We were coming up empty. We got a few clues but nothing substantial. The stress was getting to me so Josie suggested, more like demanded, I take the night off. She promised they would still go out and look, but I had to stay in. I knew I was driving her nuts so I allowed her this reprieve. I would be lying if I said I didn’t need a break.

  I stayed in the room while everyone went out and continued to look. I flipped endlessly through the channels not able to relax. My phone rang and I jumped up to grab it. My heart stopped when I saw it was Roman calling. This time I didn’t ignore it. “Hi,” I breathed.

  “Ella, oh thank God. Are you okay? What’s going on? Where are you?”

  “I’m fine,” I said.

  I heard him breathe a sigh of relief. “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for days.”

  “I know,” I admitted.

  “You knew?”

  “Yes. I’m sorry, but I just needed some time.”

  “Okay,” he paused. “I get that, but I just wish you would have said something to me. You were gone and I thought…I thought the worst.”

  “I’m sorry,” I repeated, not knowing what else to say.

  “You already said that.”

  “Roman, I don’t know what I can tell you except that I am fine. You don’t have to worry about me. I promise. I just needed to get away for a little.”

  “Where are you?”

  “That, I can’t tell you.”

  “Why not?” he asked a little perturbed.

  “I just can’t,” I said, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. I hated lying to Roman, but this is a conversation I didn’t want to have over the phone.

  “You’re looking for him, aren’t you?” His voice was measured. It was hard to tell if he was pissed or not. I looked up at the ceiling to keep from losing it. “Ella, please don’t lie to me.”

  “I don’t know what you what me to say?”

  “The truth.”

  I bit my lip. “Roman, I love you. You know that, right?” When he didn’t say anything right away I felt a pinching pain in my chest.

  “Yeah,” he replied, unconvincingly.

  I put my head in my hands trying to find the best way to explain it so he would understand, but to be honest, if I were him I wouldn’t want to listen to anything I had to say. “Roman, I…He’s alive and I just have to confirm it for myself, that’s it. I just need to see that he’s okay.”

  There was a long pause before he said, “I understand.”

  “You do?”

  “Yes and no. I get why you have to know. If it was me I would have done the same thing.”

  “So…you’re not mad at me?”

  He didn’t answer me. Instead he just said, “I have to go. Someone’s coming.”

  “Wait, Roman, I love you,” I spit out quickly.

  “Goodbye Ella,” were his final words before I heard a click on the phone. Those two words felt like a crushing wave. I had a feeling this was the end of our relationship. My heart hurt so badly. I felt like someone had squeezed it until there was nothing left. I could no longer hold in my tears. No reason to hold back any longer I let them fall. I didn’t blame him for being mad at me. I brought this on myself. I didn’t deserve him. I tried to convince myself he was better off, but the pain I felt inside was too much. I crawled into bed and covered myself with the blankets and balled my eyes out.

  “Hey Ella,” Josie said, coming into the room. “Ella?” She pulled back the blanket. She took one look at my tear streaked face and that was enough. She climbed into the bed with me without another word and wrapped her arms around me while I cried. “You wanna talk about it?”

  “Roman called,” I blubbered.

  “Doesn’t he always?”

  “I answered this time,” I said, wiping hastily at my tears. “It’s over Josie. It’s really over. I screwed up.”

  “Ella, you did nothing wrong,” she said, trying to comfort me.

  I heard the door open and turned my head slightly to see who it was. Cameron stopped, not sure if she should proceed. I sat up knowing I’d have to tell her. “Roman knows. He hates me,” I said as I started to cry hysterically again.

  “He doesn’t hate you,” Cameron replied, joining us on the bed. “He’s just upset. I’m sure once he calms down and lets the information sink in he will be fine.”

  “No he won’t and who could blame him? I left him to search for an ex-love. No word, no explanation. I wouldn’t want to forgive me either.”

  “Ella, you can’t beat yourself up over this,” Josie said.

  “Can we just not talk about it anymore?” I asked, desperate to make the pain stop. Cameron and Josie wrapped their arms around me in a silent comfort as I cried.

  We spent the next week continuing our search for Tristan.

  On Friday, after hours of searching and not coming any closer than we were before, Josie suggested we quit for the day. I wanted to keep looking but Josie had reminded me we had plenty of time to look tomorrow. Feeling defeated, I agreed and headed back to the hotel. We said goodbye to Josef and headed up to our room.

  April 28

  It has been a month since we’ve been in Ireland and still nothing. Every time we come close it just ends up being another dead end. Even with the help of Tristan’s family we weren’t any closer than we were before. I can tell everyone is slowly starting to lose faith, but I refuse to give up. I know in my heart Tristan is alive. A part of me always knew, but it just seemed too crazy of an idea to accept. Mom called several times after dad left, but I refused to talk to him. She begged me to come home and talk to my father saying he didn’t really mean what he said, but I don’t care. I’m done living under my father’s rule. I can tell Dean and Cameron are getting tired of this little adventure and would rather go back to their normal lives. I told them they didn’t have to help anymore and could go home, but they insisted on staying. I think they’re hoping I’ll eventually give up and go home with them, but obviously they don’t know me very well. Josie told me she’d stick with me for as long as it took, but I knew even she was losing hope…

  “Hey, whacha doin?” Josie asked, plopping down on the bed beside me.

  “Nothing,” I replied, tucking my journal aside. “Where’s everyone else?”

  “Billy’s following some leads and Cameron and Dean went to get some food.”

  “Food for everyone or for themselves?”

  “Everyone, I think Dean learned his lesson after last time,” Josie laughed.

  Of all people Dean should have known better. I get very cranky when I’m hungry and when Dean showed up with food for only himself, I chewed him out for being selfish. I think the outburst had more to do with all the frustration and stress that was building up and not to mention the major case of PMS I was suffering from.

  “So what’s on the agenda for today?” Josie asked, like there might be an actual change from what we have been doing for the past month.

  “I guess we wait until Billy gets back and go from there. If he hasn’t found anything there’s a town about an hour away I want to check out.”

  “Okay,” she smiled and then lied back on the bed swiping the remote from the nightstand and clicking on the TV. With nothing else to do but wait, I joined Josie in her never ending channel surfing while we waited for Cameron and Dean to come back with the food.

  Halfway through dinner, Dea
n put his plate aside, and looked at me sincerely. “Ella, we need to talk.” I stopped. The tone of his voice gave me a feeling I wasn’t going to like this. “We’ve been here for a month and still found nothing.”

  “I told you. You don’t have to stay. You are free to leave whenever you want. There is nothing keeping you here.”

  Dean gave Cameron a quick glance before he spoke and I wondered what that was about. “I just think we need to get some outside help.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I think we should give Uncle Bobby a call.”

  “Uncle Bobby,” I said skeptically. The only stories I heard about him consisted of him being drunk most of the time.

  “He knows the ins and outs of this town and let’s not forget he’s a frequent flyer at the local pubs.”

  “What about Josef though? He’s a townie and even he hasn’t had any luck,” I said, not too open with the idea of calling an uncle I’ve never met and who was a lush.

  “Josef was helpful in the beginning, but he’s only sixteen. Bobby’s been here for ages. He can go to these places and get info from people who aren’t willing to talk to out-of-towners and children.”

  He just had to throw that last one in there. I let out a sigh not seeing another choice. “I guess we could give him a try,” I said, regretting every word. “Give him a call.”

  “I don’t have his number, but I know where he lives.”

  “Shouldn’t we look him up then? I don’t want to show up unannounced.”

  “Trust me. Just showing up is better.”

  I agreed to give Uncle Bobby a shot. I never met the man and my curiosity was getting the best of me. We decided to go over after dinner. Dean told us he lived in Belfast which was only twenty minutes away from where we were at.