Following Your Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “I have no such intention,” Teresa asserted, raising her eyes to meet the deacon’s. “James is the one who came to me, and he is the one who asked to drive Susan and me to and from the hymn singing.”

  “Are you blaming James for this situation?” Deacon Ray asked.

  “No,” Teresa said. “I blame myself. My heart is sinful. Please have patience with me. I didn’t come to the community to marry anyone. I came because of my son, Samuel. I came so he could have a better life. I have not encouraged James. Has Menno told you Yost was here earlier? That Yost and I spoke at length? I told him I am still willing to marry him, but I would like some time to plan the wedding.”

  “You are still willing to marry Yost?” Deacon Ray asked. “I’m not asking for your promise to marry him, but will you assure me you are truly willing to marry the man?”

  “I am willing,” Teresa said. “I’m sorry for the trouble and confusion.”

  Deacon Ray cleared his throat again. “It’s not like our own people make no problems. I guess we should be used to it. Right, Menno?”

  “There is always trouble, it seems,” Menno agreed.

  “But not this kind of trouble,” Teresa said.

  Deacon Ray shrugged. “Let me be clear, and then I will go. I have strong objections to you and James seeing each other. Do you understand that?”

  “I do,” Teresa said, tears springing to her eyes. “I have not encouraged James in any way. Please believe me.”

  “We believe you, Teresa,” Menno responded, smiling.

  “Then I will expect you to have nothing more to do with him,” Deacon Ray said, his eyes staring into hers. “And I will be telling James the same thing.”

  Teresa nodded. Having said her piece, she turned and walked to the house. At the front door she didn’t look back. She opened the door and entered to the howling of a hungry baby. She wiped her hand across her eyes and took Samuel from Anna’s arms.

  “Thank you,” Teresa said. “I’ll go upstairs and feed him.”

  “Did it go well?” Mamm asked.

  “It went well,” Teresa said, smiling tightly through the tears.

  “They didn’t ask for any promises?” Susan asked, coming out of the kitchen.

  “No,” Teresa said. “I understand what I need to do.”

  Teresa took Samuel upstairs. She soon heard the sound of Deacon Ray’s buggy wheels moving down the driveway. She wiped away the last of her tears. Minutes later, as she paced with Samuel on her shoulder while gently patting him on the back, she again heard buggy wheels from the driveway.

  Teresa crossed the hall to Susan’s room and looked out the window. Menno was driving the buggy out of the lane at a fast clip.

  I wonder what that’s about? she thought. At least it’s probably not about me. I’ve certainly had enough trouble for one day.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  The day was warm and sunny, a gentle breeze moved across the open fields. Teresa was driving the buggy with Susan seated beside her. Cleaning supplies were stashed under the backseat.

  “I can’t believe I’m going to clean Yost Byler’s house!” Susan exclaimed. “I also can’t believe you’re driving, for that matter!”

  “I have to learn sometime,” Teresa said with a grin. “I’m going to be a real Amish woman. And you know I can’t go to Yost’s place by myself. It wouldn’t be proper…and I don’t know where he lives.”

  “And I can’t believe you’re still considering marrying that man,” Susan said.

  “Someday you’ll have to stop complaining and just accept this,” Teresa said.

  She and Susan waved at two women when their buggy rattled past them on the narrow road.

  “I’m sure glad Maud Miller and her daughter Esther don’t know where we’re going,” Susan commented, looking back at the disappearing buggy.

  “It’s not a shameful thing to visit the man who will soon be my husband,” Teresa declared.

  “I keep thinking I’ll wake up and find it’s all been a bad dream,” Susan muttered.

  “And what else did you expect? You don’t see James hanging around, do you? Not after his father expressed his strong disapproval. He ran like a rabbit for the tall grass just like I said he would.”

  “I’m sure James has good reasons for the way he’s acting,” Susan said. “I think you should wait and see. He may have something planned.”

  Teresa laughed. “James is being an obedient member of the church. And if I plan to be a good member of the community, I have to support its ways too. Perhaps you have forgotten that aspect of the community, Susan.”

  “Perhaps. You do seem to be better at accepting the community’s restrictions than I am,” Susan said.

  “Don’t you want to make your mom and dad happy, Susan?” Teresa asked. “Your mom looks at you some days with a sad look in her eyes. She worries that you don’t plan to stay here. And I’m beginning to think she’s right. Susan, are you planning to leave after my wedding?”

  “Sometimes you’re too smart for your own good, Teresa.”

  “I know your heart, Susan. And you do have a tender one,” Teresa said. “Few people would have sacrificed like you did so that I could come here.”

  “I did have my own reasons, you know,” Susan said. “Some of which weren’t all that noble.”

  They rode in silence, listening to the creak of the buggy, the crunch of the wheels on gravel, and the clip-clop of Toby’s hooves hitting the road. Teresa held the reins taut as they halted at a stop sign. She clucked, urging Toby forward.

  Susan smiled her approval.

  With the wheels rattling forward again, Teresa looked over at Susan. “I’ll be sad to see you go. You’ve become like a sister to me. I’d love to have you around. Don’t you want to see Samuel grow up? And Yost and I will probably have children. They’ll surely be cute like Samuel.”

  Susan laughed. “And what will I be? The Amish old maid?”

  “There’s always Thomas,” Teresa said. “Maybe you shouldn’t give up on him.”

  “I do declare! Mamm has surely set you up to say these things to me,” Susan asserted with a glare.

  Teresa shook her head. “No, she hasn’t said a word to me about you and Thomas.”

  “Okay, I believe you. It’s just that the way the community has treated you isn’t garnering my goodwill. And that certainly isn’t helping my feelings for Thomas. The ministers shouldn’t have pushed you to marry Yost in the first place. And they should have looked at your heart instead of focusing on your past.”

  Teresa shrugged. “Maybe that was a little pushy, but I might have come to the same conclusion myself. It was an awkward and difficult situation. And if they hadn’t done what they did, how would Yost and I have gotten together? He might never have considered me without the prompting of some people in the church.”

  “I still can’t believe you’re marrying an old codger like Yost Byler. He doesn’t even keep his house clean.”

  Teresa kept her eyes on the road ahead. “Can you think of a better way for Samuel to be accepted fully? I can’t.”

  “Sometimes we have to be true to our hearts and dreams, Teresa,” Susan said. “Keep after them until Da Hah helps us.”

  “Don’t lecture me about dreams, Susan. Living here in the community is where my best dreams have come true.”

  “And that includes an old bachelor with a dirty house?” Susan questioned.

  Teresa looked out the side of the buggy before answering.

  “I can clean his house, Susan,” she finally said. “And I can wash his clothes. I can bake his food. In return, he will be a good father to Samuel. Yost will even give Samuel his good name. Those are my dreams, Susan. They might not be yours, but they are mine.”

  “I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” Susan said, giving Teresa a sideways hug. “I will try to keep my mouth shut from now on. If you’re happy, that’s gut enough for me.”

  “Thank you, Susan.” Teresa wiped her eyes on her sleeve.
“I’m trying to drive, and soon we’ll end up in a ditch if I don’t concentrate.”

  “I’ll grab the lines at the last minute, so don’t worry,” Susan said. “And we’re almost there. That’s Yost Byler’s place up ahead.”

  “That one?” Teresa asked, staring. “That’s where Samuel and I will live?”

  “I’m afraid so,” Susan said. “I tried to tell you.”

  “It will take an awful lot of cleaning up,” Teresa admitted. “But the Lord will help me. We’ll soon have it in good shape.”

  “You haven’t seen the inside yet,” Susan warned. “I haven’t either—not for years, anyway. There’s probably mold growing on the walls by now.”

  Teresa turned into the driveway. “Surely it can’t be that bad, Susan. Straw, I may believe, but not mold. Yost doesn’t look moldy.”

  “That’s because you’ve always seen him when he’s talking to you about the food you’re going to make for him,” Susan said teasingly. “And he probably cleaned up to call on you.”

  “Oh no! Did you think to bring food? I didn’t! How could I forget such an important thing? What kind of wife am I showing him I’ll be?” she wailed.

  “Don’t worry,” Susan interrupted. “I threw in a loaf of the fresh bread you baked yesterday. That ought to get Yost’s mouth watering until the wedding at least.”

  “You are such a dear, Susan,” Teresa said, coming to a halt in front of the barn.

  Faint strips of weathered white paint hung to the siding. Cracks split the wood, leaving long spaces with hay hanging out. Thin strands of the dried grass blew in the breeze.

  “The barn needs painting,” Teresa commented, not moving from the buggy.

  “Let’s get out and get busy before I start running my mouth again,” Susan said as she climbed out to unhitch Toby.

  Teresa climbed down and looked around. She took small steps toward the back of the buggy where she pulled out a mop bucket, a broom, and a bag of rags. “Where do we go from here?” she asked Susan.

  “I think we find the man who owns this dump and sweep him away with our brooms,” Susan said, loading her own arms with supplies.

  Yost had watched the approaching buggy through the barn window, wiping a few cobwebs aside so he could see better. Yah, it was Teresa. And Susan was with her. What was he supposed to do? He’d been tossing and turning in bed the last few nights, expecting that soon the girls would come.

  His mind went back over his last meeting with Menno. Yost had never seen Menno so worked up as he’d been that night a few weeks ago. Not in all the years he had known him. Menno had nearly banged the door down, getting him out of bed. He’d been awakened from a sweet dream about Teresa, probably because he’d just visited her that day. In his nightclothes and carrying a kerosene lamp in one hand, Yost had opened the front door.

  “I’m here to tell you something, Yost!” Menno had announced, not even bothering with a pleasant greeting.

  “Yah?” Yost rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “I was just over there today. Why didn’t you speak with me then?”

  “You’re not going to marry Teresa!” Menno continued, ignoring the comment.

  “Yah, I am,” Yost asserted, blinking his eyes in the dim light of the kerosene lamp. “There’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

  “I saw you with Teresa today. I saw everything. I saw you force your affections on the girl. Teresa may not be my daughter by birth, but I’m not standing for that kind of conduct, even in a suitor. You’re not the kind of man to make Teresa a good husband. She has no one else to speak up for her. At first, I wasn’t willing, but when I saw you with her today, I knew I couldn’t let it pass.”

  “I didn’t do anything!” Yost protested. “I was only talking to her. Yah, perhaps a little roughly, but what’s wrong with that?”

  “I saw you forcing a kiss on her. You may think that’s a little thing, but I saw the look on young Teresa’s face. You’re not marrying her. She should have sent you packing right then and there. Or I should have.”

  “She knows her place,” Yost defended. “And there’s nothing you can do about this. Teresa didn’t complain to me or anyone else that I know of. And if she did, well, it was just a misunderstanding. You can ask her yourself. I apologized afterward, telling her I wasn’t used to being around women. I’m sure Deacon Ray will be very understanding of my side of the story. That is, if it comes to that. Menno, stay out of this.”

  Menno’s face hardened. “Then perhaps we can talk a language you do understand, Yost. If you don’t call off this wedding personally—face-to-face with Teresa and without telling anyone you and I talked, including Teresa—then I will let Deacon Ray know you’ve been breaking the Ordnung. I know about the tractor you use in your fields. You know the Ordnung strictly forbids tractors being used to pull wagons and any other piece of farm equipment. You may have thought you lived so far north that no one would notice, but I know this for a fact, Yost.”

  Yost blinked in the flickering lamplight. Was Menno serious? Was he threatening him?

  “And if you think you can ride that out with a little confession and repentance, think again. I’ll raise objections about any man marrying a girl living under my roof who has deliberately and consistently broken the Ordnung. I’ll insist on at least a six-months proving. And after that I’ll find something else you’re doing that goes against the community. And I’ll find something, Yost. Trust me, I’ll look hard enough to keep you on proving restrictions for as long as it takes. What little reputation you have will be in shambles. No Amish woman will marry a man who has been on proving for months and months. No one, Yost.”

  Yost swallowed hard. Menno was serious. And who would believe his word against Menno’s? He’d be even more of a laughingstock in the community. His mind flashed to the square baler hidden in the barn. No, he didn’t want someone watching him closely. His ruse that his Englisha neighbors had helped him with a few bales out of the kindness of their hearts wouldn’t be accepted.

  “I’ll consider your words, Menno.”

  Menno seemed satisfied—at least for the moment because he then turned, got into his buggy, and drove away.

  Yost had considered the issue carefully. There would be no backing down on the threat—not with that blaze in Menno’s eyes. Menno had taken Teresa on as his daughter. And everyone knew Menno chose only the best men as mates for his daughters. Yost decided he stood no chance at all in riding this out. Ach, how stupid to let go and grab Teresa that way.

  And now here was Teresa with Susan in his own yard. He might as well face her and get this over with. But there was no way he was telling the truth about the matter. There were other reasons which could be used to explain this.

  “Here he comes!” Teresa whispered.

  “Like I said,” Susan muttered, “he could use a good sweeping.”

  “Shh!”

  “Gut afternoon,” Yost said, approaching them with a broad smile. “I was wondering when you two would be appearing. I thought you might have forgotten about your promise, Teresa.”

  “No, I didn’t,” Teresa said. “And Susan has come along so we can get lots of work done.”

  “That’s gut,” Yost said, his smile disappearing. “I have been looking forward greatly to this day. I cannot tell you how much, but I need to speak with you first, before you start with the work.”

  “Yes?” Teresa stared at him.

  “Let’s go inside the house instead of standing out here,” Yost said.

  “What am I supposed to do while you speak with Teresa?” Susan asked. “Am I supposed to stand out here until you’re done?”

  “Oh no,” Yost said, smiling again. “You can come in and start cleaning. I have nothing to say to Teresa that you cannot hear.”

  “I see,” Susan said, following Teresa up the walk.

  They entered the house. Teresa and Susan laid their supplies down by the front door and removed their bonnets. Spider webs hung on the corners of the ceilings, and dust covered
the hardwood floor. Susan didn’t look at Teresa as she waved a paper bag around before placing her bonnet on the floor.

  Yost didn’t seem to notice.

  “The kitchen would be a good place to start cleaning,” Yost said. “Teresa can begin in the living room after I’ve said what I need to say.”

  “Okay,” Susan said, marching past him.

  Teresa stayed beside the dusty couch even though Yost motioned for her to be seated. He sat down in a broken rocker, the handrails on both sides split in the middle.

  “I hope you won’t take this too hard, Teresa,” he said, looking up at her, “but I have decided it’s best that we not be wed on your baptismal day.”

  “That’s nice of you, Yost. Menno will be glad to give us a real Amish wedding sometime afterward.”

  Yost cleared his throat. “No, that’s not what I meant. This is hard for me to say, but I must make myself clear. I do not wish to hurt your feelings. You have already had many things in life go wrong for you—like your son being born without a father to give him a good name. Yet I must tell you, Teresa, that I’ve decided I will not wed you.”

  “What!” Susan poked her head through the kitchen doorway and stared at Yost.

  “You’ve decided you won’t marry me?” Teresa asked, her face white. “Is it because I have sinned in bearing a child without a father?”

  Yost hung his head. “I would not put it in such words because Da Hah forgives us all for our sins. But, yah, your past bothers all of us, I’m sure, but this concerns another matter.”

  “Now this I’ve got to hear,” Susan said, coming into the living room.

  Yost looked at her. “I’m talking with Teresa, but I suppose you might as well stay and hear what I have to say. You are, after all, seeing Thomas, so you will surely understand this matter.”