Barefoot

by Ruth Patterson

  An hour later, she was eating a microwaved lasagne by herself in front of the TV when Lauren rang. ‘So why aren’t you answering my texts?’ her friend demanded to know.

  Toni explained about the accident, including her mother’s fury.

  ‘She does have a point, I guess. I am going to miss out on the three-day event.’

  ‘Get a grip!’ Lauren loathed Arabella. ‘She’s a bitch and you know it.’

  Toni could hear laughter and music in the background, a normal evening in a normal house where mothers gave you hugs and cooked supper. Her father loved to cook, and the two or three precious nights a week he was home, dinner was an event she looked forward to. The rest of the time it was just her and Arabella, and neither of them made an effort.

  ‘Tell me I’m wrong?’ Lauren prompted.

  Toni couldn’t.

  ‘I bet she hasn’t once even asked how you’re doing.’

  ‘Not exactly,’ Toni admitted.

  ‘See, I knew it. She’s a cow! Listen, I’ve got to go. I’ll get Mum to drop me over on Saturday,’ Lauren promised.

  Toni stared at the remains of the lasagne and blinked back her tears.

  Saturday seemed a long way off.

  ***** Two *****

  The rest of the week passed painfully slowly.

  ‘Get your act together,’ Arabella snapped, when she found Toni still in pyjamas at lunchtime. ‘I’m sick of you moping around the house.’

  I’ve got a broken wrist, collarbone and rib, Toni wanted to scream. What exactly do you expect me to do?

  But of course she didn’t.

  ‘Put some clothes on, for Heaven’s sake.’ Her mother threw Lily the remains of her bacon sandwich and left.

  Toni had no intention of getting dressed, agonising inch by inch, just to keep her mother happy. As soon as Arabella had gone, she snuck Ben upstairs, and in one small act of rebellion, allowed him up on the bed.

  There was a large mirror on the end wall of her bedroom, and it was impossible to hide from how crap she looked. She hadn’t managed to have a shower for days. Her dark curly hair was greasy and her right eye swollen and purple.

  Rest. That was what the doctor had said. So she rested. She read a novel and messaged her friends, then fell asleep and only woke when her father called to ask if she was looking after herself. Toni looked at the half-empty packet of cookies she was working her way through. ‘Sure,’ she lied.

  He promised to be home on Friday night.

  Only three more days.

  She lay back down and slept again.

  The following morning she was woken early by Ben whining and desperate to get out to pee. Toni sighed. ‘OK. You’ll have to give me ten minutes.’

  He shot ahead of her downstairs and skidded across the polished wooden floor in the hall, then on into the kitchen to wait by the back door. Lily was less enthusiastic to join him. She opened sleepy eyes, but made no attempt to get up at all.

  ‘Come on, girl.’ Toni knelt and encouraged her, and the old dog finally struggled to her feet to follow them outside. Toni breathed in the fresh, sharp air, feeling glad to be out of the stuffy house. Spring was late and the fields were still frozen hard, even though it was nearly Easter. Ben peed immediately and raced on ahead sniffing, but she slowed her pace to match Lily shuffling stiffly behind.

  The ponies stood leaning against each other, Grace’s chestnut coat gleaming in the early morning sun. Toni headed on down the track to the cross-country course, knowing it was too icy for anyone to be out riding and she would have it to herself.

  She wanted - no - she needed to see where the accident had happened. She slowed as she approached the drop at the bottom end and stopped to stand there for a few minutes, remembering calling her father.

  Already it seemed such a long time ago.

  By the time she retraced her steps, the sun was melting the frost and Buster and Grace had settled down to the serious business of grazing. The pain was back and demanding her attention, but she only had a few painkillers left and didn’t dare ask her mother to get more.

  Only two more days, and her father would be back.

  She could get through two more days.

  It was half-seven on Friday before he made it home, laden with shopping bags full of food. ‘I hope you haven’t eaten.’ He dumped the bags on the table and kissed her.

  Toni shook her head. ‘Only cereal. I was hoping you’d cook.’

  ‘Chicken curry, alright?’

  She nodded happily.

  He began to pull out the ingredients. ‘How are you managing?’

  Toni busied herself helping to unpack the shopping. ‘OK.’

  ‘Really?’

  He reached across and picked up the now empty bottle of painkillers. Anger flashed across his face. ‘You’re out of painkillers.’

  ‘It’s fine. Really.’

  He shook his head. ‘No, it isn’t.’ He sighed. ‘So where is she?’

  Toni shrugged. ‘Probably in her office.’ She wished Arabella would stay there and let her have her father to herself for the evening.

  He glugged some oil into the frying pan, turned on the gas and began to dice an onion. Toni switched on the radio, happy to sit at the table and watch him moving around the kitchen, with surprising grace, given his size.

  ‘Stephen.’

  Her father tossed the onions into the pan before slowly turning round.

  Arabella stood in the doorway.

  ‘Bella.’

  The onions hissed in the hot fat behind him.

  ‘Toni needs more painkillers,’ he said.

  Toni shook her head at him, but he wasn’t about to let it drop.

  Her mother appeared completely uninterested. ‘I’ve been busy.’

  ‘Too busy to take care of your own daughter?’

  ‘It’s OK, Dad, really.’ Toni couldn’t bear an atmosphere. Not this evening.

  But Arabella wasn’t about to back down. ‘It’s time she weaned herself off them.’

  He opened his mouth to argue, but Toni shook her head again, desperately this time, and he gave in and turned back to his cooking instead. ‘Food will be about forty-five minutes,’ he said tightly, and began to dice the chicken.

  When Arabella left the room, he walked across to put an arm round Toni.

  ‘I’ll get you some more in the morning, darling. First thing. I promise.’

  Overnight there was a dramatic change in the weather, and Toni woke to dark skies and driving sleet. Lily took one look out of the door, turned round and hobbled back to her basket.

  ‘I don’t blame you,’ Toni muttered. She hesitated herself, then pulled on her father’s big Barbour which hung by the door. It slipped easily over her cast, and the sleeves reached down almost as far as her knees. She breathed in his familiar smell, then ducked her head down and went outside to look for Jen.

  She found her filling haynets, carefully weighing the hay for each one. Jen was impossible to age, wiry and weather-beaten and always looking as if she cut her hair herself. She had been around as long as Toni could remember, and broke all the rules and got away with it, refusing point-blank to wear the De Carteret sweatshirt.

  ‘Hey.’ Jen didn’t look up, focused on the task.

  ‘Can you leave the ponies in? Lauren is coming over this morning.’

  ‘I was going to anyway. Grace isn’t herself.’

  ‘What’s wrong with her?’

  Jen shrugged. ‘Dunno. But something’s not right. I left Buster in to keep her company.’

  Toni instantly felt guilty. She’d hardly seen Grace since the accident, leaving her care entirely to the grooms. ‘I’ll go and have a look.’ She ducked her head down against the sleet again and hurried over to the barn. Grace backed away as usual when Toni stepped inside the stable and she tried to suppress her irritation.

  Why is she always so nervous?

  ‘Come on. It’s only me.’

  She checked her over carefully, but her legs all see
med fine and there were no obvious wounds. It was probably nothing, she decided. Grace was sulking because she wanted attention. Closing the stable door again, Toni went inside to have some breakfast.

  A couple of hours later a battered old Volvo estate pulled into the yard. Lauren’s mother wound down the window. ‘Look at you!’

  Toni stood sheltering from the rain in the tack-room doorway and Lauren jumped out of the car, shrieking, ‘Oh my God! You didn’t mention the black eye.’

  Toni automatically touched her face. She’d forgotten how awful she looked now the bruises were turning yellow.

  ‘Horses are nothing but trouble.’ Lauren’s mother shook her head. She let Lauren have riding lessons, but had resisted all pressure to buy her a pony of her own. ‘I’ll pick her up again in a couple of hours.’

  Both girls nodded.

  ‘Don’t tire Toni out,’ she warned, before driving off.

  ‘So…’ Lauren ran out of the rain and joined Toni. ‘Let’s have a look.’ Toni bent to let her see the eye properly. ‘Ouch. How are you feeling. Honestly?’

  ‘Honestly? Pretty shit.’

  ‘This’ll cheer you up.’ Lauren opened her raincoat and lifted up her sweatshirt to reveal a new piercing in her belly.’

  ‘Another?’ Toni couldn’t get excited about piercings at all.

  ‘I’ve run out of space on my ears. But Mum doesn’t know about this one yet.’

  ‘She’s going to find out sooner or later.’

  ‘Not until she sees me in a bikini on holiday.’ Lauren’s face suddenly fell, and she quickly closed her jacket again. ‘Mrs De Carteret.’

  Toni spun round and saw Arabella standing watching them, radiating disapproval. ‘Lauren’s going to help me out with Grace.’

  ‘Well, you can’t use the arena.’ She limped off, without acknowledging Lauren at all.

  Toni turned back to her friend. ‘I’m sorry. She’s just….,’

  ‘…a complete cow.’ Lauren finished the sentence for her. ‘Don’t sweat. I don’t take it personally anymore. But I do wonder why you put up with it.’

  Toni sighed. ‘I don’t exactly have much of a choice, do I?’ She suddenly felt resentful. Lauren had no idea what it was like, living with a bully like Arabella all the time. How hard it was to stand up to her. ‘Not everyone’s as lucky as you are with your mum,’ she added, bitterly.

  There was a painful silence.

  ‘She’s not my real mum, you know,’ Lauren said.

  Toni was stunned. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I’m adopted.’

  ‘Seriously?’

  Lauren nodded.

  Toni didn’t know what to say. They’d been friends since they were seven, and Lauren had never even hinted that she was adopted. She thought they shared everything. ‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’

  Lauren shrugged. ‘It never seemed like the right moment.’

  ‘How old were you?’

  ‘Just over six. We think. I didn’t exactly come with a birth certificate.’

  It made sense now. Lauren had joined the village school later than everyone else. Toni’s head filled with questions. ‘Have you any idea why?’

  Lauren shook her head.

  ‘Do you remember much at all about, you know…’ she struggled to find the right words, ‘…your real parents?’

  ‘Bits and pieces.’

  Toni was finding it hard to take in. ‘Aren’t you a tiny bit curious?’

  ‘Honestly no. The way I see it, I’m one of the lucky ones. My adoptive parents really wanted me.’

  Toni thought about Arabella.

  Can I say the same?

  The wind picked up, driving rain almost horizontally between the outbuildings, and she shivered. Lauren’s confession sat in-between them, and she didn’t know what to say.

  ‘Honestly!’ Lauren rolled her eyes. ‘I haven’t grown two heads. Now do you see why I didn’t tell you before?’

  ‘Sorry.’ Toni felt inadequate

  ‘Oh, come on. Let’s see to the ponies.’ Lauren grabbed Toni’s good arm and dived out into the rain and on into the lower barn. She wrinkled her nose when she got inside, and saw Grace’s stable and led the mare out and got stuck into filling the wheelbarrow without being asked. Toni felt like a spare part and wandered over to see Buster. He greeted her with a whinny, and she tied him up and began to groom as best she could with her left hand.

  It was peaceful in the barn, the rain drumming on the corrugated-iron roof the only sound. Buster tried to rub his head against her, and she flinched as it sent pain shooting through her ribs and shoulder. She pushed him away gently. ‘Sorry boy. Not today.’

  He didn’t understand, barging into her again and again. She sighed and was just putting him back into the stable, when Lauren shouted.

  ‘Whoa. Grace just tried to kick me!’

  Toni frowned and went over to join them. ‘Jen said she seemed a bit off. I took a look earlier, but I couldn’t find anything.’

  Lauren jumped to one side. ‘She did it again. When I got near her tail.’

  It was the one thing Toni hadn’t checked. She stood carefully to one side and ran her hand lightly down the tail, feeling a swelling immediately.

  ‘It’s really hot. I’ve not been riding her, so I wouldn’t have noticed.’

  Grace hung her head and looked thoroughly miserable.

  ‘Could be an abscess,’ Lauren suggested.

  At that moment Arabella led one of her horses into the barn. Toni stood up slowly and took as deep a breath as her injured ribs would allow.

  ‘We’ve got a problem with Grace,’ she called over.

  Arabella made no attempt to hide her irritation. ‘And I haven’t got time to waste.’

  Toni swallowed her pride. ‘Please. Could you take a quick look? See what you think.’

  Arabella came over, bristling with impatience, and Grace tried to back away as she got closer. ‘Well?’

  ‘Here, feel?’ Toni showed her where the swelling was, and Grace stamped nervously as Arabella felt her tail.

  ‘Put a poultice on it. See if there’s any pus in there.’

  ‘Shouldn’t we shave it first?’ Lauren suggested.

  ‘No!’ Arabella said sharply.

  ‘But it will help the infection clear…’ Lauren began to argue.

  ‘I’m not having Toni lose points in the dressage.’ Arabella was adamant. ‘No shaving. Understand?’ She marched off again.

  ‘You’re kidding me, right?’ Lauren’s eyes were wide in disbelief.

  Toni shook her head. ‘They’d mark me down on her appearance.’

  ‘So, she’d risk Grace getting worse?’ Lauren shook her head. ‘Even leave her in pain?’

  ‘She says you can’t get too sentimental about them.’

  Lauren went back to forking the straw up furiously.

  ‘It’s just the way she is…..,’ Toni tried to explain.

  ‘Don’t! Don’t you dare defend her.’ Lauren was really angry now. ‘You’d better make the poultice. The least I can do is to make poor Grace a decent bed for the night.’

  They parted uncomfortably when Lauren’s mother arrived. Toni watched them drive off, feeling thoroughly ashamed.

  She should have reacted better to Lauren’s revelation.

  And she should have stood up to Arabella.

  She went inside and found the new bottle of painkillers on her pillow where her father had left them. Swallowing two gratefully, she lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling, waiting for the pills to do their magic, and only then drifted off into a troubled sleep.

  *************

  The days passed and Toni felt increasingly frustrated stuck at home. Lauren was on her way to Spain for Easter, and the rest of her friends all seemed busy with riding and shows. The yard wasn’t a particularly pleasant place to be either.

  She had tried putting the hot poultices on Grace, but found it tricky one-handed, and Jen soon took over caring for the mare i
nstead. Toni couldn’t really tell if Grace was getting any better. But at least she didn’t seem to be getting any worse.

  ‘How about keeping me company and coming shopping?’ Her Aunt B phoned one day to try to tempt her out. ‘We could go into Cheltenham. Have some lunch as well.’