You're Never Weird on the Internet (Almost)

by Felicia Day

  Seven years ago, I started shooting internet videos in my garage with a borrowed camera, and now I juggle acting on television with writing, producing, and running a web video production company called Geek & Sundry. I’m a social media “aficionado” (née “addict”), I have well over two million Twitter followers, and I’m usually the lone female on lists of prominent nerds, lauded as the media-anointed “Queen of the Geeks.” It’s a title I reject personally, but when someone else uses it, I go ahead and enjoy it as a compliment. Because who doesn’t want to inherit a dynasty just because of their gene-stuffs? No work, just ! Born special!

  On average, a random person on the street won’t know my work, but there are certain places where I’m a superstar, like San Diego Comic-Con, and . . . other places like San Diego Comic-Con. Oh, and I have a HUGE barista recognition factor. Seventy-five percent of the time when I’m ordering my “almond milk matcha latte with no sugar added, lukewarm, please,” I’ll be recognized by an employee. And yes, my order is a pain in the ass, but I’m determined to enjoy the liquid indulgences of modern life. Might as well take advantage of it all before the zombie apocalypse. I have no practical skills; I’m fully aware that I’ll be one of the first ones “turned.” Instead of learning motorcycle repair or something else disaster-scenario useful, I’ll order the drink I want until I become a shambling corpse.

  And I won’t be defensive about it, okay?!

  I’m very grateful for the weird niche I’ve created in life. Some people know me only from my Twitter feed. That’s fine, too, because I, objectively, give VERY good tweet.

  Frankly, I’d hate a life where everyone knew me and people made money selling pictures of me without makeup to tabloids. I’m not in the business of wearing makeup every day. Or going out of my house on a regular basis. I’m most comfortable behind a keyboard and . . . that’s it. Real life is awkward for me, like wearing a pair of hot shorts. There’s no way to walk around in those and NOT assume people are snickering behind my back about droopy under-cleavage.

  The informality of the online world makes it feel like I’m less a “celebrity” and more a big sister my fans can be brutally honest with. “Felicia! Loved your last video. You looked tired, though; take melatonin, it’ll help with the jet lag!” They know me as a sort of digital friend, not an object to be torn down over superficials. (Probably because I don’t give them much “objectifying” material.)

  The best part about this weirdly cobbled-together career I’ve built is that I get to bury myself in all the subjects I love. Comics, video games, DVDs, romance novels, TV shows, bad kung fu movies. It’s all part of my job to purchase these things and mostly legally deduct them from my taxes. And it makes it easier to connect with people, no matter where I am in the world. When the occasional stranger approaches me at a party to say, “Hey, you’re Felicia Day. Let’s talk about that comic book you were tweeting about last week!” it’s the greatest thing in the world. Because it saves me from having to stand in the corner awkwardly, drinking all the Sprite, and then leaving after ten minutes without saying good-bye to the host. (That’s called an Irish exit, and I’m part Irish, so it’s part of my genetic wheelhouse.) As someone who had few or . . . yeah, NO friends when I was growing up? Pretty sweet deal.

  So how did I get this super-awesome career? Well, you’re in luck, because this book is designed to tell you how I got here! Short answer:

  A) By being raised weird.

  B) By failing over and over again.

  C) And by never taking “no” for an answer.

  This isn’t a typical lady memoir. I appreciate my beauty sleep too much to have crazy “one night in Cabo” stories. I don’t have emo ex-boyfriends to gossip about. And I haven’t been on any quirky drug trips that ended in profound self-realizations. Guess I’ll get busy in those areas for the next book. (Send in the prosecco! That’s alcohol, right?)

  There will be video game references galore, and at one point you may say to yourself, “This book might be too nerdy even for ME.” But the heart of my story is that the world opened up for me once I decided to embrace who I am—unapologetically.

  My story demonstrates that there’s no better time in history to have a dream and be able to reach an audience with your art. Or just be as weird as you want to be and not have to be ashamed. That lesson’s just as legit.

  Between the jokes and dorky illustrations (I’m addicted to Photoshop), I hope you can find a teensy bit of inspiration for your own life—to take risks and use all the tools at your fingertips to get your voice out there while you’re still not a corpse. Be who you are and use this new connected world to embrace it. Because . . .

  Okay, turn the page. Let’s get this over with.

  - 1 -

  Why I’m Weird

  A brief survey of an eccentric, homeschooled childhood.

  For the record, I was homeschooled for hippie reasons, not God reasons. And it wasn’t even full hippie. There was no “communal family in an ashram” sort of thing, which is SO disappointing. I’ve always wanted a glamorous messed-up childhood like that. Raised without clocks. Around kids named Justice League and Feather. Winona Ryder had that, right? She’s so pretty.

  Nope, I had a middle-class hippie upbringing. More hippie-adjacent than anything. We recycled before it was cool and wore “Save the Whales” T-shirts and . . . that’s about it. Oh, and my mom fed us carob instead of chocolate and gave us vitamins that made our breath smell weird. But since my brother and I weren’t around other kids that often, we didn’t realize the breath thing until way later. (Pro tip: put the pills in the freezer to avoid vitamin B mouth stink.)

  Before being educated at home (i.e., sequestered in social isolation for nearly a decade), I went to a few different elementary schools from the ages of five to seven. There, I learned several important things about myself:

  A) If a boy has an accent, I will fall in love with him. If he has an accent and glasses, I will want to marry him. (That means you, Charlie with the Scottish brogue from preschool. You could have had all of me. Fool.)

  B) I am never going to be passionate about only one subject, unless you count “teacher’s suck-a-butt” as a category. I learned early in life that being perfect is a HIT with adults. Who gave special gifts to her kindergarten teacher Miss Julie on every holiday, including Presidents’ Day, even though it technically isn’t a gift holiday? This girl!

  C) I will never be the popular one. That’s for girls who wear hair bows that match their dresses and hang out with other girls who wear hair bows that match their dresses. Back in the late ’80s, the hair bow was the rich girl’s scrunchie. I had no hair bows or scrunchies because we were poor and shopped at Goodwill, and my mom cut my hair in the shape of a salad bowl.

  Lastly:

  D) The popular girls would never acknowledge that I was destined for respect and high status, so I was happy to go, “Screw those chicks!” and become the leader of the class misfits. Albino boy? Girl with lisp? The “slow one”? Join my gang! We’ll show the cute bow-girls how much more fun it is to play dodgeball when you’re not worried about that expensive outfit that makes you look all rich and adorable! (Not that I was jealous.)

  Me and my first-grade group were TOTAL Breakfast Club: Zoe from Puerto Rico, who owned a guinea pig; Marcus with curly red hair, who always smelled like milk; and Megan with the walleye, who I didn’t really want to spend time with, but my mom made me, and then the kid grew on me because she always seemed delighted by my company.

  We’d hang out in the corner of the homeroom, the corner of the playground, the . . . generally we hid in corners, defying everyone with our independence and stuff. Like sharing our sticker books amongst ourselves only. (Those popular bitches never saw my Pegasus page, and it was EPIC.) Once, we even stood at the back fence of the school grounds, near the freeway access road, and made the “honk” noise at passing trucks, even though it was technically against the rules. Oooh! Since I had an “in” with the teachers, I
told my crew, with all the sincerity of Gregory Peck leading a platoon into a World War II battle, “Don’t worry, guys. I’ve got your backs.” Being a leader was nerve-wracking, but with responsibility comes great admiration.

  So I was fine with it.

  It seemed like I was laying the groundwork to become a well-rounded, appearance-aware but antiestablishment woman. A future Susan Sontag, no doubt. Unfortunately, a few life hiccups threw the whole “growing-up-around-other-kids” plan into the emotional meat grinder.

  [ Jesus Loved Me! ]

  For second grade, I transferred to a conservative Lutheran elementary school. We weren’t religious, but Mom had gone to public school as a child, and the only stories she told us about her education were about kids not wearing shoes to class and the time where she had to shave her head because of lice. Oh, and something about “knocking up” people too early, which I didn’t understand, but she was very specific: it ruined women’s lives.

  Saints Academy was the best school in the cosmopolitan town of Huntsville, Alabama (Home of Space Camp, repreSENT!), and I loved it, except that we had to attend chapel every day. I considered this hour a threat to my intellect, because Mom always said, “I don’t want you or your brother becoming a Deep South Bible Thumper.” I took her warning literally. A woman named Ms. Rosemary led religion class, and whenever she’d touch the Bible with the SLIGHTEST velocity, I would fold my arms and scowl. “No way, lady! You’re not turning me into a ‘Thumper!’ ”

  The only thing that got me through the daily service was a big Jesus statue hung behind the church pulpit. I thought his face, although a little depressed about being up on the cross like that, was kinda hunky. So I sat there every day, tuning Ms. Rosemary out like the trombones from the Peanuts cartoons, imagining me and J.C. cuddling in front of the television while we watched Family Ties or Scooby-Doo together. Sometimes we’d even go to Disneyland on our imaginary honeymoon. J.C. hated Goofy and loved the teacup ride the best, just like I did. We were the perfect pair in my dreams!

  But after a few months, my crush on Mr. Christ transferred to a Mr. Hasselhoff from Knight Rider, and after that I prayed to my ex-boyfriend’s dad for anything to get me out of the daily religious misery. Ms. Rosemary was not a good communicator, and whoever these “John,” “Matthew,” and “Judas” people were, they were NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME. How could I escape?!

  And one day, it happened. Ms. Rosemary and a guy named “Timothy One” gave me the key. After school, I ran into the kitchen. I couldn’t wait to throw my match into the parental tinderbox.

  “Mom! Mom! Guess what? They burned money in church today!”

  My mother stopped making her hemp yogurt or whatever other disgusting health food she used to force-feed us. “What?!”

  “Yeah, they set fire to money. Ms. Rosemary said it’s the devil’s paper!”

  “Are you kidding? How much?”

  “Hundreds of dollars! More than any money I’ve seen in my life!” It was actually a handful of fives, but the dramatic inflation seemed appropriate. And they did burn American currency in front of a bunch of seven-year-olds. That part was true. The flames reflected in Ms. Rosemary’s eyes. Even my ex-boyfriend Christ looked creeped out, and he was a statue.

  My mom went through the roof, just like I knew she would. She’s a lovely woman, but cross her about something she cares about, like politics or discontinuing a face cream she loves, and her attitude is, “I will fight you. Right in this department store, throw it down NOW, Clinique associate bitch!”

  Her temper could be intimidating, but in this instance, channeling it was in my best interest. And therefore, the BEST!

  “Do I have to go to chapel again, Mom?”

  “Absolutely not! Don’t worry, baby. I’ll take care of it.” Ooh! The Thumpers were gonna get in TROUBLE!

  The next morning, my mom went in to talk with the principal. She put on her special dress, the Liz Claiborne with the sleeves puffed up like the Hindenburg, so I knew she was serious about saving me. While I waited for her to come home, I fantasized about how I’d use my free hour at school. Organize my sticker album or tend to my vast My Little Pony herd. You know, things that would contribute to my future.

  But when she returned home a few hours later, her big puffy sleeves were deflated. The school wouldn’t apologize for the money burning, and for some crazy reason, they wouldn’t make an exception to their curriculum for an outraged partial-hippie family. I couldn’t believe it didn’t work! I mean, when Mom was upset about things, like my refusing to eat chicken liver, it was scary. What was wrong with these people?!

  “So I have to go back to chapel again?”

  “No. You’re not going back to that school at all.”

  “Cool! Wait, huh?!”

  Yup. The Money Burning Incident of 1985 got me yanked out of school completely. Oops.

  I briefly got put into another school that was into “unschooling.” I can’t remember much about that place except it closed abruptly and stole all our money. Adult problems. At the same time, my dad got orders to move from Huntsville, Alabama, to the Deeper South—Biloxi, Mississippi—to finish his medical training for the military. And that’s when the shit hit my educational fan.

  To most of you outside the Deep South, Alabama or Mississippi? It’s the same. I mean, they’re ass-to-ass anyway. Might as well combine them and make a super hick state, right? But to my Southern extended family, it was bad. They thought we were moving to an antebellum wasteland. My dad was a Yankee himself, so he was even more concerned. (Everyone north of Kentucky was referred to as a Yankee in my mom’s family. It took me years to realize that wasn’t official.)

  There wasn’t a tradition in our family to homeschool, but there was a tradition to get super-mega educated, especially on my mom’s side. My grandfather had a PhD in nuclear physics and a thick Southern drawl like molasses. He would invent a desalination machine one week and chew out anyone who distracted him from his favorite Nashville sketch show, Hee Haw, the next. “Get outta there, Pooch! You’re blockin’ Skeeter Davis!”

  My grandmother is a scientist, too, and a nurse and an artist and . . . I’ll be honest, kinda scary. She once found a dead owl on the side of the road and put it in the back of her pickup in order to analyze the skeleton after it decomposed. I mean, that’s kind of Beth Henley interesting behavior, but seeing a dead owl in the back of a pickup is super creepy when you’re seven years old, guys. Because you start to suspect that if it were legal, Grandma would do the same thing with your corpse, too.

  In order to keep the brain legacy up, my mom scrambled to find schooling options for me and my brother before we moved, but the Gulf Coast of Mississippi didn’t have much to choose from. In fact, it had one of the worst education systems in the country, and the only secular private school in the area was a place that made kids wear uniforms, which Mom considered fascist. So we were in a quandary. And because my dad was working twenty-eight hours a day to become a surgeon (scrubs were the only thing I saw him in from the age of eight on), it was up to my mom to figure out an alternative.

  So, in a natural leap, she decided to Bob-Vila-DIY our educations herself.

  [ Home Is Where . . . It All Is! ]

  In retrospect—and not to be mean to anyone who parented me—it doesn’t seem like there was a clear plan going into the whole homeschooling thing. At first, the idea was to follow a comprehensive third-grade curriculum that my mom sent off for in the mail, 1-800 style. It was a system missionary families used when they took their children abroad, and I was a fan of that idea, because it seemed super romantic. I’d always dreamed about traveling overseas on a ship like the Titanic, and missionaries seemed tragic and special (not like dumb Ms. Rosemary).

  Also, homeschooling seemed like something an orphan would do, and I really wanted to be an orphan. Because let’s be real: they have it so good in kids’ literature! They’re sad but special, people love them against all odds, and they’re always guaranteed a
destiny of greatness. The Secret Garden, The Wizard of Oz, Harry Potter? Orphanhood was a bucket list item for me! Along with being able to communicate telepathically with my dog. Based on the loose association of “no school” and “no parents,” I was pro-homeschooling. Without understanding what the hell it really was.

  On the first day of my new educational life, several boxes of books arrived at our house. Weirdly, all the texts were designed the same, with the words “Science” and “Math” on the covers, like boxes on a generic food aisle.

  Despite the weirdo curriculum, I was psyched. And so was my mom.

  “You guys ready to learn outside the box?” She lifted up the thick “teaching manual” that she was supposed to use daily. (I don’t think it ever got its spine cracked.)

  “Yeah!” My brother, Ryon, and I jumped up and down, way too excited, like we were in the audience for a Nickelodeon show. We were ready! Screw the establishment! We were learning on our own!

  The next morning I put on pants (even though I didn’t technically have to because I was in my own home), sat down with my new books at my “desk” (the kitchen table we fed the cats on), and got ready to rock my brain!

  Just to be clear, my mom did make an actual effort to start our day at 9:00 a.m. sharp and do schoolwork until about 1:00 p.m., before “do whatever you want, kids” time. This lasted for maybe a week. With no one to supervise any of us, slowly but surely, the family wake-up time slid to a nebulous “midmorning.” After a few months, we’d miss all studying before lunchtime because we ate out every day (eating at home was for oppressing housewives), and the restaurants filled up around one, so it was better to leave the house at noon to beat the work crowd. And if we got up around 10:30, that meant . . . I mean, showering is a thing that takes time, guys.