The Aim Of A Lady

by Laura Matthews

  “I had no intention of debating you over the matter,” Alma replied stiffly. “I am no authority on the subject.”

  “Do you think you can control yourself around Diana in future?” George asked mildly.

  “There will be no need,” Alma replied, stung. “I had already informed her that I intend to leave in the morning. I will leave now if you wish.”

  George tapped his desk with impatient fingers. “Ellis, I have told you that you are only partially to blame, and I do not wish to see you leave in a huff.” He paused for a moment and then went on more calmly, “Why do you suppose Diana dresses as she does? It is not because she is ignorant of her looks or of fashion. It is her own way of avoiding overtures from men and reducing temptation. You saw what happened when she dressed for the Dodges’ party. She could have a swarm of men at her feet every day if she wished it, but she has this fear that she will not ... never mind. It is nothing to do with you and I should go to her.” George rose to conclude the interview.

  “The button came off my foil unnoticed, George, and I accidentally pinked her. She said it was merely a scratch but you might have her maid look at it.”

  George nodded and put out his hand. “Thank you for coming to me, Ellis. I regret your stay here has been so fraught with disaster.”

  Alma grasped his hand firmly. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a troublesome guest. I hope it will not mar our friendship.”

  “Of course not. I’ll see you later.”

  When George knocked at his sister’s door she did not answer. He called to her and she bade him enter. Diana rose from her bed, still in the fencing outfit, and stood with downcast head. George went to the basin and dampened a cloth for her to clean away the tear stains. “This is the second time I have found you crying since I’ve been home, Diana. It is not like you.”

  She sighed and seated herself on the bed as he took a chair near it. “Did Alma come to you?”

  “Yes, he was upset at his behavior.”

  “It was not his fault.”

  “Of course it was his fault, Diana, though I could wish you had not worn your fencing outfit with him. Men are not used to seeing young women dressed so.” He indicated the bloodstain on the shirt. “How deeply did he cut you?”

  “Barely more than a scratch. It stopped bleeding almost immediately.”

  “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

  Diana moistened her lips and said, “I stopped him after a while, George. He may have told you. But then, we were in the Long Gallery which is not a very private place.”

  “If you had been intent on satisfying your desire you know a dozen places in the house where you would not have been disturbed,” he pointed out.

  “I suppose that is true, but I didn’t think of it.”

  “You would have thought of it if you had been unable to control yourself,” he assured her.

  “Do you think so?”

  “Absolutely. Diana, I wish you could forget what happened when you were so young, and did not clearly understand the implications.”

  “How can I when something like this happens?” she cried.

  “Tell me, did you attempt to attract Ellis’ advances?”

  “No, of course not. I did not really think about the fencing outfit, George. I am used to wearing it when you and I fence.”

  “Leave that for now, and consider this. You have spent a great deal of time in his company the last two weeks. He is an attractive man and recently you have been getting along well together. Also, Diana, you must remember that you have seen him naked.”

  “I know,” she whispered, a blush staining her cheeks. “But it was not that, George. When he held me and kissed me and touched me I did not want to think about anything else. I did not care, George.”

  “You must have cared, my dear, for you stopped him.”

  “Do you know why I stopped him?” When he shook his head she said firmly, “Because I knew he would not be able to live with himself afterwards if I did not.”

  George smiled tenderly at her and said, “The point is, love, that you were able to stop. Do you think another time there would be no reason? There will always be one, Diana, unless you are married. Nothing like this has happened since the day we talked has it?” he asked curiously.

  “No, but then I have not been particularly attracted to anyone since then, George.”

  “And you are attracted to Ellis?”

  “Well, I did not think about it until he held me. So you see, it might have been anyone, might it not?”

  “No,” he sighed, “I do not think so. It is unfortunate that he allowed himself to he carried away, but you have learned, Diana, that you have control over the situation. Please remember that.” George started to rise and stopped. “You know, you might speak with Alonna just to get another woman’s point of view. You have not had much female advice on the subject.”

  “I can never get any women to talk about it,” Diana said bitterly. “Whenever I try to approach the matter I get only self-righteous platitudes from other virgins who have never even been tempted!”

  “The problem is that you have been tempted several times, and most young women are never put in a situation where they are.”

  “Yes, and when I wear my dowdy clothes you pinch at me to dress more attractively,” she flung at him.

  “Were you dressed attractively the other day when Frank Edwards tried to kiss you?”

  “Oh, Frank! He is just stupidly persistent. How did you know about Frank?”

  “Ellis saw it from his bedroom window, I gather.”

  “It probably gave him ideas,” she retorted with a brief show of her mischievous smile.

  “That’s better. Forget it, love, and talk to Alonna.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  George was much more disturbed by the occurrence than he allowed either of its participants to suspect. And it was not the attempted seduction which bothered him most, though he wished Ellis had been more in control of himself. George himself had no fear that his sister would find in any such situation the self-control she needed.

  No, what bothered him were the two participants themselves. Neither of them had come to realize it yet, but in some strange way they had fallen in love. Their relationship had been too stormy and irregular for them to come to an understanding of this, and he was more than willing to throw dust in their eyes, as he had done in the two interviews.

  The largest problem was that Ellis was unlikely to accept his own emotions in the matter. Ellis had come through the two weeks bewildered by the fluctuations in his temper and emotions. George regretted allowing Diana to take the arrow out of his friend because it had caused Ellis an embarrassment which exhibited itself in strange ways, and had reflected in his attitude toward Diana. Ellis had finally accustomed himself to thinking of her as a younger brother—George had heard him speak so to her more than once—and even today’s events would not likely disillusion him. George felt sure Ellis would go to London and attempt to put the whole two weeks out of his mind forever, and he might be successful.

  So there was no use allowing Diana to understand that she had fallen in love with him, because it would only cause her pain. George considered asking Alonna to take Diana with her to Trafford Hall when she returned there, while he went to London to see her father. Diana probably would not wish to go, but most of her neighborhood friends were now in London, and she would be left to brood alone at the Park. With a sigh George straightened his cravat and went in search of his fiancée.

  Diana remained in her room until almost dinner time. It was not that she could not face Alma, she told herself, but that she would rather not. She was annoyed at both of them for their performance in the Long Gallery; at him because he should not have tempted her, at herself because she had been so easy to tempt. Still, as George had pointed out, she had called a halt to it.

  Lying on her bed staring at the ceiling she remembered the start of the whole problem. Her governess, Miss Parston, had been
the only female to guide her, and Miss Parston had been very reticent on relations between the sexes. She was a kindly woman but offered little advice to her beautiful young charge other than to keep a distance from men. Since this attitude seemed rather ridiculous when George was her best friend, Diana had relegated it to the corner she privately called “Miss Parston’s Oddities.”

  Miss Parston had stayed with her until she was almost eighteen, and George had planned to keep her on as Diana’s companion, but the governess’s mother had become ill and Miss Parston had gone to her and had not returned. It was during the period when Diana had no one guiding her behavior that Mrs. Lewis’s nephew had come to stay with her and had become attached to Diana. He was as young as she with no sense of responsibility and very little sense of propriety. They had begun by meeting while out riding and Diana had thought herself in love with him. It seemed the most natural thing in the world for him to kiss her.

  Since there was no one to keep track of her movements, George having gone to London to see if he could find a companion for her, they began to meet each afternoon in the woods to talk and embrace. Diana suspected that this was not proper behavior for a young woman, but she enjoyed it and there was no one to censure her. On the day before her eighteenth birthday Harry brought her a present, a tortoise-shell comb for her hair. She was delighted with it and kissed him warmly in thanks. They were lying on the pine needles in the sun, the sweet aroma surrounding them.

  Harry had begun to run his hands over her body, something which she was sure she should not allow, but when she had protested he had reminded her that he loved her—had he not just given her a beautiful comb? He had continued to caress her breasts while he murmured endearments. The warmth which sprang up in her body clouded her mind and she did not protest when he took off her bodice and kissed her breasts. She knew that she should not allow him such freedom with her person but her body had begun to ache with desire and she felt powerless to say him nay. He had lifted her skirts and petticoats and begun to stroke her thighs and she felt her breath coming faster. He was struggling to unfasten his pants when George came on the scene.

  Returning for her birthday, George had found it suspicious that her horse was tied at the edge of the wood with another one. He did not know Harry and never got to know him. When he came upon them in their compromising position his eyes blazed with fury and he dragged Harry up by his collar and slapped him so hard that the young man fell to his knees. “If you were not so young, I would kill you for this. Never let me set eyes on you again,” he roared. Harry took to his heels and left Linton that same afternoon.

  Her cheeks flaming with shame, fear and mortification, Diana had tossed down her skirts and clutched her bodice to her chest. Her brother, shaken out of his usual calm, snapped at her to dress herself and meet him in his library. By the time Diana arrived there she was shaking and incoherent. George had recovered some of his usual equanimity by pointing out to himself that he had arrived before she had lost her virginity, unless this was not the first time such a scene had taken place. He felt in no small way to blame for his negligent care of her and seated her gently, providing her with a glass of brandy to restore her color.

  “Who was that young man?”

  “Mrs. Lewis’s nephew Harry.”

  “Is this the first time something like this has taken place? You must be honest with me, Diana. I will not punish you.”

  “I promise you it is, George, though he has kissed me before.”

  “How long have you known him?”

  “Two or three weeks.”

  George drew a hand through his hair. “Diana, do you understand what you were about to do?”

  “Well, yes, I think so.” Her face had become fiery red.

  “Tell me.”

  “We ... were ... about to...”

  “You were about to mate, Diana. Have you not been told that young girls do not behave in such a fashion?”

  “I suppose so.”

  George attempted to keep the exasperation out of his voice. “You have seen animals mate, Diana. To what purpose do they do so?”

  “To have babies,” she whispered.

  “Precisely. Have you a desire to have a baby out of wedlock?”

  “No, George, I did not think of it.”

  “I want you to do so now, Diana. I also want you to understand that when a man marries you he will expect you to be a virgin; that is, a woman who has not previously mated.”

  “Do men not mate before they are wed?” she asked innocently.

  “Damnit, Diana, we are not talking about men.”

  “I see,” she replied coldly.

  He shook his head in aggravation. “All right, my dear, we will talk about men, too. Yes, most men mate before marriage.”

  “Then how is it that there are un-mated women left to be married?” she asked with interest.

  “Virgins, Diana. Well, men mate with women who have already lost their virginity.”

  “Married women?”

  Distracted, George ran his hand through his hair again. “How have you reached the age of eighteen without learning any of this?” he asked peevishly.

  “Who was there to tell me?” she retorted and lifted her chin defensively. “If you do not wish to tell me you need not.”

  “I am going to tell you,” he grumbled. “Obviously you need to know. You are of gentle birth, and you are expected to live by the rules which govern our particular group of people. One of those rules is that you do not mate until you are wed, and you mate only with your husband once you are wed. There are those even in the highest levels of society who do not live by those rules, and they are sometimes condoned; but I should never like to see you be one of them. In exchange for the privileges you receive because you are of gentle birth, the respect you command, you must endeavor to live by the rules laid down for you.”

  “You still have not explained whom men mate with,” she reminded him.

  “I am coming to that,” he replied with asperity. “There are some women, almost never of gentle birth, who do not live by the same rules as we do.”

  “How convenient for men!”

  “Diana,” he said threateningly, “I want you to listen without another word. These women make their living by selling their bodies to men. It is not a pleasant life, as you can imagine, and often is embarked on without a real appreciation of the consequences. Can you understand that?”

  “Yes, I suppose so, but, George, I cannot see why a man would pay a woman when he could marry someone and...”

  “Not every man wishes to marry.”

  “Then perhaps he should not mate,” Diana suggested stubbornly.

  “Today, when you were in the woods, did you know that you should not be intimate with Harry?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then why were you about to?”

  “Because I...”

  “Precisely, you felt a desire to do so. Well, men often feel that desire, and as we live by the rules which forbid us to mate with unmarried women of quality we satisfy our desires in the only honorable channel.”

  “It does not sound so very honorable to me. And what of women who desire to mate? What do they do?”

  “Nothing, until they are married.”

  “How very unfair!”

  “Yes, it is, Diana, but there is no help for it. I should hate to see you with child and unmarried. You would be ruined. It is not a matter taken lightly by society, nor ever forgiven.”

  “I see.”

  “I do not know how it is with women, Diana,” he said apologetically. “Since most manage to enter marriage as virgins I have always suspected that their desire is perhaps not so general as men’s, but I cannot be sure. It may be that a woman’s desire is not inflamed except by actual contact with a man. If that is the case then the rules which say you shall not have any intimate contact with men before marriage make some sense. Ordinarily you could rely on a young man of your station not to impose himself on you. Your friend Harry wa
s an exception, perhaps too young to understand the gravity of his offense. You are not to see him again, Diana.”

  “But I am very fond of him,” she pleaded.

  “Do you think you could trust him to behave himself properly?”

  Diana did not answer.

  “Then you must not see him again, my love, for it would be sure to lead to trouble.”

  A lone tear rolled down her cheek.

  “I would not forbid it if it were not so very important, Diana,” he said sympathetically. “But your friend is not someone you would wish to marry if he would treat you so. Please believe me. In time you will feel better.”

  And in time she had. Harry had left the area and Diana spent more time with her other friends. She had tried to discuss with the young women their own feelings of desire, but they shunned such discussions and as often as not had no idea what she meant. Diana had begun to feel an oddity, the only woman she knew who experienced this desire. There were any number of men who were attracted to her; but she was not attracted to them, and they never went beyond mere dallying. Nevertheless, she started to dress less attractively except for special occasions, and the young men were not such a nuisance.

  Walter Dodge, virtuous as he was, courted her because he thought her goodness was worthy of him, and it did no harm that she was beautiful as well. Frank Edwards thought her a gem of the first order and had a burning desire to exhibit such a prize catch in London, where she was practically unknown. Diana had not experienced desire with either of these two men, in fact, had only experienced it in a general way in the years since Harry. She had learned to deal with her own needs, something she had never discussed with George, of course; but she was content with her life and her pursuits.

  It was therefore with a great deal more surprise than her brother suspected that she had succumbed to passion in Alma’s arms. Their turbulent acquaintance had not prepared her for her reaction when he held her. And in spite of what she had said to George, she had indeed learned that she was now in control of herself, if only because she would never shame her brother so. The memory of George’s words had been with her, and she had thought of Alma’s shame if he allowed himself to conclude what he had started. Somehow she knew too, even if Alma did not, that he would not have. For all his cantankerous behavior there was a hard core of decency about him which would have brought him up short of taking her virginity.