Under Her Wing

by Ronica Black

  Kassandra did the same, and they both dug into their pancakes and small talk. Kassandra kept looking up at her, secretly thrilled that she was there, sitting across from her, voice still scratchy from sleep. Her hair stood like a Mohawk, and her eyes seemed to penetrate in the kitchen light. She was breathtaking. Kassandra realized she never looked at Scott and felt this way. Was he just not the man for her…or were men in general not for her?

  “What are you thinking about?” Jayden asked with a smile. “You look intense.”

  Kassandra forked a bite of egg. “Nothing, just…” Should she tell her about Scott?

  “Just…?”

  Kassandra licked her lips, suddenly nervous. “I was thinking about my ex-husband.”

  Jayden tried to hide her brief surprise, but Kassandra saw it.

  “I’m sorry. I just had no idea you had been married.”

  “I have.”

  “You don’t sound too happy about it.”

  “I’m not. I mean, I wasn’t. I just realize it more and more as time goes on.”

  Jayden drank more juice. “Did he hurt you?”

  “Oh, no. Nothing like that. He just…I just…I don’t know. He was so apathetic, and eventually, I too began not to care. We lived that way for a year, just going through the motions. Like robots. No feelings, no connection. Just existing in the same house.”

  “Sounds like my worst nightmare,” Jayden said.

  “It wasn’t a nightmare, but it was…uncomfortable. And it seemed never ending, like we were trapped that way. He didn’t want to rock the boat to escape and neither did I. Because, honestly, we did care about one another. Just not in a passionate way.”

  Jayden was watching her closely. “You’re very kind,” she said. “The way you talk about people. Even those that have done you wrong or caused you pain.”

  “I don’t know about that. You haven’t seen me drive.”

  Jayden laughed and gathered their plates.

  “No, let me,” Kassandra said, rising. She followed her to the sink, but Jayden wouldn’t have it.

  “Will you go relax? I’ve got this. Let someone do for you for a change.”

  The words startled Kassandra, and she stopped. She looked into Jayden’s eyes. She knew she should look away, but she couldn’t. She was being pulled in. By her presence, her words, and those goddamned gray eyes.

  “Kassandra,” Jayden whispered.

  But Kassandra stopped her, placing a single finger upon her lips. Then she rose to her tiptoes and kissed her. It was delicate at first, and Kassandra closed her eyes, unsure if the moment was real or imagined. When Jayden kissed back oh so gently and moaned, Kassandra knew it was real, and she made her own small noise of approval. Jayden responded by wrapping her arms around her and pulling her close. Kassandra pressed harder, began slowly framing Jayden’s lips with her own. They both struggled for breath when it grew from gentle and pressing to heated and aggressive. Kassandra felt Jayden’s tongue lightly probe, and it was as if a bolt of electricity had shot up her spine. It took all her willpower not to seek back with her own. But she could feel herself trembling, hear their bated breath, feel the moans coming up from her chest. If she melted and gave in there’d be no stopping. The realization sent a rush of warmth between her legs, but it also terrified the tiny remaining rational part of her. She couldn’t make love to Jayden. She wouldn’t even know where to begin. She couldn’t make love to anyone, for that matter, because it meant letting them in. And they always failed her. Every single time. She couldn’t afford a mess like that anymore. And she definitely didn’t want a mess with Jayden. She cared way too much about her.

  Kassandra felt Jayden’s tongue seek again, and her center began to throb. She had to stop, had to stop now or she might very well orgasm right there on the spot. She pulled away and covered her lips, the hot tingling still lingering.

  “Oh. Oh, God.” She turned, completely overwhelmed at her body’s reaction.

  Jayden seemed to struggle for the right words. “It’s okay,” she said.

  “I don’t know what came over me.” What the hell had just happened? Dear God. And why was her body still reacting when they weren’t even touching?

  “Kassandra, you don’t have to apologize. It was…beautiful. You are beautiful.”

  “I can’t do this,” she said before Jayden could melt her heart with any more sweet words. “I can’t.” She hurried from the kitchen to her bedroom where she closed the door. Jayden chased after her.

  “Kassandra, what is it? What’s wrong?” She knocked lightly. “Can you talk to me?”

  “I’m sorry, Jayden. I can’t. I can’t do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “Feel this way.”

  “Why?”

  “I just can’t.”

  “Because I’m a woman?”

  Was it because she was a woman? Partly. But that wasn’t the whole story.

  “Because…because you are everything.” It made sense to her, but she knew it wouldn’t to Jayden.

  “I’ll go,” she said. “I don’t want you to be upset.”

  Kassandra heard her fumbling with the dryer. She opened the door to try to explain the madness that was her, but she found her standing in nothing but her panties. They both froze. Kassandra took her in all at once, flushed profusely, forgot to breathe, and then closed the door again.

  “Oh, God.” She collapsed against the door. “Holy shit.” Small taut breasts, the etched muscles of her torso, the strength in her shoulders and arms—it all made her head spin.

  She heard Lula scratching at the door, but she didn’t open it. If she did she knew she’d throw herself in Jayden’s arms and lose all control.

  “I’m going now,” she heard Jayden say softly.

  “Okay.” Her heart tore in two and she closed her eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” she offered.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong,” Kassandra said. “This is me. All me.”

  “Can I call you later? Check on you?”

  “It’s probably best if you didn’t. Best for you.”

  “I’m not worried about me.”

  But Kassandra didn’t respond; she couldn’t find the right words. There were no right words for her behavior.

  “What about your car?”

  Kassandra thought quickly. “My friend Wendy will take me to get it.”

  There was a brief pause. “Kassandra, I will be here. Please don’t forget that. I’m not going anywhere.”

  The words were powerful and meant more to Kassandra than she ever could’ve imagined. But while they soothed her and reached her down deep, they also brought up bad memories. She felt as though she was bleeding out, all over the carpet. She heard her walk out the door, heard a confused Lula whine and scratch. She stood, opened the door, and hurried to the window. She watched as Jayden hurried to her truck. She lifted Lula and buried her face in her scent.

  “I’ve really done it this time, Luls. I’ve really fucked up. I’ve gone and fallen for a woman.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Are you going to tell me what’s up your ass or do I have to guess?” Mel slid a bottle of Corona to her. They were sitting at the bar in a sports grill. Jayden took a few big sips and then pushed in her slice of lime. She was on her third beer, some ball team was in the third quarter, and Mel was asking her for the third time.

  “Ha. Threes. I like threes. They say things happen in threes.”

  Mel lowered her beer and stared at her. “What the fuck? Are you sick?” She felt her forehead.

  Jayden swatted her away. “I’m fine. I’m just trying to enjoy the game.”

  “You don’t like sports, Jayden. They bore you. Just like sitting here drinking does.”

  “So.”

  “So, what the hell is wrong? You’ve been working yourself to death and then challenging the devil himself with drinking afterward. You’re a mess.”

  Jayden met her gaze, feeling fierce. “I’m fine. Things are pe
rfectly well under control. The rescue, the dogs, the volunteers. I’ve got it all covered.”

  Mel wasn’t buying it. “You’re hiding.”

  Jayden let out a raucous laugh. “Hiding! From what?”

  “Your pain.”

  Jayden rolled her eyes and drank some more. “I don’t have time for pain, you know that. Too much to do.”

  Mel pushed away both their beers. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

  “No, no, no. I wanna stay. A call might come in.”

  “Jayden, it’s late and you’re driving down buzzed bypass and headed for drunk highway. There’s no way you’re going on a call.”

  “Then who will?”

  “I don’t know, me? One of the other volunteers or staff? You know, all these people you have in your corner that you don’t utilize enough.”

  She wrapped a strong arm around her waist and lifted. Jayden stood, embarrassed. “Get off of me. I know how to walk.”

  “Then do it, hotshot.” Mel led the way out of the dim bar and into the dark night. Jayden fished her keys out of her pocket and unlocked her truck. She smiled as she walked, the alcohol making her feel warm and carefree. But Mel ruined her mood when she forcefully took the keys from her and climbed in behind the wheel. She eyed her as Jayden started to protest. “Don’t give me any lip, Beaumont. Just get your ass in here.”

  Jayden held up her hands. “Whoa, whoa. No need to get pissy. I’m coming.” She opened the door and pulled herself into the lifted truck. She closed the door and tried a few times to master the seat belt. “You don’t have to embarrass me, you know.”

  “Embarrass you? Right, I wouldn’t dream of it.” She started the vehicle and backed out, then nearly peeled out of the parking lot.

  “What’s your problem?”

  Mel shook her head. “You. You’re my problem.” She looked at her and Jayden noted the stone look to her face. She was seriously pissed. Jayden swallowed, knowing what was coming.

  “You fell in love with a straight woman, a volunteer. And surprise! She’s not into you. She turned you down. She teased you. Gave you a little taste and then freaked out. I could’ve written a damn book on this, Jayden. How many times did I tell you to leave her alone? Huh? And now she’s upset and she’s not coming back. You’re torn into a million pieces, but you won’t admit it. You just work, work, work, and drink, drink, drink. The kids are noticing, Jayden. Do you realize that?”

  Jayden looked at her hard. “They don’t know everything. They just think they do.”

  “Yes, my friend, they do. They’re smart. They know it’s because of Kassandra. They can add one plus one and get two. We all can.”

  Jayden’s heart fell to her churning gut. She didn’t want the kids to know. They didn’t need to know such things. They had enough to deal with. But here she was continuing to act like a zombie and drink like a fish. Showing up early in the morning with her hair tousled from a drunken stupor and a horrible hangover running through her blood. But they couldn’t know that, right? She never drank in front of them. And she’d been telling them she hadn’t been feeling well.

  “They know you’re drinking, Jayden,” Mel said softly, as if reading her mind. “Gus sees the beer cans when he does the garbage.”

  Jayden palmed her forehead and felt nauseous. “Shit.” What kind of role model was she being? What the hell was she doing? “Shit!” She pounded the door with her fist.

  Mel said nothing; she didn’t need to. Jayden was finally hearing her. She could wallow all she wanted to about Kassandra and drink herself to death. But not when she had kids to look after. She wasn’t afforded that kind of bad behavior. She was responsible, not only for the kids but for the dogs. For everything. And even though she’d been working hard, she hadn’t really been present. Her mind was constantly on Kassandra. What did her absence mean? Why wouldn’t she answer the phone? What had she done wrong?

  No wonder the kids were pissed at her. Not only were they blaming her for Kassandra’s continued absence, they were watching her self-destruct without a care in the world.

  “They fucking hate me right now,” she said. “And I don’t blame them.” She could still hear Gus as he had stalked toward her.

  “What did you do? What did you say? Did you hit on her? Scare her away? Yo, she’s not like you, Beaumont. She’s not someone who takes things like relationships lightly. She cares. She really cares. And you know, she’s too good for you. She’s deserves better than some player.”

  His words had crushed her, but she knew he was right. She’d waved him off, told him he didn’t know all that he thought he did. Yet somehow he did know. And she just drank his words away.

  “I need to talk to them,” she said. “I’ll talk to them tomorrow.”

  “Good idea.”

  “I’m sorry, Mel.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Just stop it.”

  “I can’t help how I feel. I can’t help that I care so much about her.”

  “Can’t help that you seriously want to jump her bones?”

  Jayden shook her head. “It’s more than that, Mel. It’s different with her. So different.”

  Mel drove on, jaw stern. “You know I’m not trying to be an ass,” she said. “I’m just worried about you. I don’t doubt your feelings or insist you not have them. I just can’t stand to watch you hurt and self-destruct. This is new territory for me. I’m not used to seeing you like this. The last time…was when Rose died.”

  Jayden gripped the armrest on the door and closed her eyes. The loss of her grandmother had nearly killed her. She’d been her mother, her best friend. Everything a kid could possibly ask for. Her loss left a deep hole, and Jayden still hadn’t filled it yet, she’d just found a way to maneuver around it. Mel was right, though. She’d been a wreck. Working herself to the bone until she was often dehydrated, weary, and ready for collapse. It hadn’t taken her team long to corner her, force her to rest and hydrate and face her loss. It had been the most difficult time in her life. And while she had faced her loss, she still couldn’t believe her grandmother was gone. It was as if she were on a long trip and she’d show up any day, smiling, asking for a hot cup of coffee.

  Jayden had held her hand as she’d passed. Had been by her side for weeks as she slowly slipped further and further away. So her death should feel real. Her grief had been real. But why did she not feel her loss now?

  “I’m worried, Jay,” Mel said. “I don’t want to lose you to that abyss again.”

  “I understand.”

  “That was a real rough time. For all of us.”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you going to be okay? Now, I mean? Or do we have to put you on lockdown?”

  Jayden sighed. “I’ll be fine.”

  Mel drove on in silence. “I’m sorry about Kassandra. She was nice.”

  “Yes, she was.”

  “You just need to get your mind off her. Get out. Get shaking.”

  “I’m not sure I’m ready.”

  “You have to make yourself.” She looked over at her. “Go to that eighties party with me.”

  Jayden grimaced. “No, I’m not up for that.”

  “Never know until you show.”

  “Did you just make that up?”

  “Maybe.”

  Jayden laughed, but it fell into aching silence as she once again thought of Kassandra and the way she’d felt in her arms and against her lips. It had felt so right. So perfect. As if they were made for one another. Had Kassandra not felt it? It seemed unlikely, considering her strong reaction. It seemed more like she was afraid. Jayden wished she could somehow help. But Kassandra was making it clear with her silence that she didn’t want her help or anything else from her. And that tore into her each time she thought about it.

  “What do you say? Will you go?”

  Jayden looked out the window as her heart tore once again. “I’ll think about it.” She’d do anything to make the pain stop.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “
I don’t think I should go back to Angel’s Wings,” Kassandra said, sipping her wine. It had been another tough day, and Tony hadn’t come to school. He was coming sporadically now, and she’d argued with the counselor again over him and had gotten nowhere. She’d received the call from Child Protective Services over a week ago, and she knew they were planning a surprise home visit. But Tony had said nothing, just did his usual complaining. She had a feeling he wasn’t spending much time there.

  “Why not?” Katelynn asked. “I thought you loved it.”

  Kassandra paused. “I do. I mean I did. But I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” Truth was, she hadn’t been in a couple of weeks. She just couldn’t bring herself to go. She knew she’d take one look at Jayden and crumble.

  Her friends looked at one another knowingly and then looked back at her.

  “What?” Kassandra had never seen them look like that before.

  “Is it because of Jayden?”

  Kassandra nearly knocked over her wine. “No. No, of course not.” How could they possibly know? She’d only spoken of Jayden in passing. Hadn’t she? Come to think of it, she did talk about her a lot. But then again they worked together nearly every day she was at the kennel. It was only natural that she speak of someone she spent a lot of time with. Right? She stared down at the white tablecloth.

  “Then what is it?”

  Kassandra fingered her wineglass, then turned it, staring at the red.

  “So, I’m here, it’s happy hour.” She smiled, trying to change the subject.

  Katelynn didn’t look too pleased at her attempt. “Did something happen between the two of you?”

  Kassandra once again stared at her wineglass. “No.” She took a sip.

  “Then what upset you? What did she do?”

  “Nothing.” She sipped again and forced a smile. “Jayden is a nice person.” They couldn’t possibly know. No way. They were lesbians, not mind readers.

  “You know, Kassandra, if you’re having feelings for her, we understand what that feels like.”

  “Believe it or not, we kinda do. Being lesbians and all.”

  Kassandra felt her eyes widen. She tried to protest but instead pressed her lips together and twisted the stem on her wineglass. She knew they would understand, but what if she didn’t? She had no idea what any of this meant. So how could she voice it? Explain it?