by Jami Denise
Jason rose from his chair and walked over to stand in front of her. He lifted her hand and pressed a soft kiss on her knuckles.
"It was my pleasure, Tara. These things happen in families. Believe me, you have nothing to apologize for."
Tara's breath hitched, and a legitimate smile swept over her features. She turned to the girls and nodded at Jason. "That, girls, is what a gentleman looks like."
I walked her to the door and told her I would keep Lily overnight. She and Benji had long since gone to his bedroom to play, and I was eager for the distraction. Lily was all sunshine and flowers and sing-songs. The house needed her to shield it from the ugliness.
After more apologies from her, I kissed her goodbye and went back inside to face the others. When I got to the table, the girls had already started clearing the table and cleaning up the kitchen. I was so grateful and so disappointed that they had to deal with the crap Royal was putting them through.
"Jason, I don't know what to say. I'd say this is out of the ordinary, but... this is our life." I let out a humorless laugh and shook my head. "I thought we could be normal for the night, but apparently, we can't."
He smiled. "Jenna, I enjoyed myself regardless of the activities..." he laughed under his breath and pulled me into a hug.
"Thank you, Jason."
"I’m going to head out,” he said, looking over at Abbie. “Abbie and I are going to grab a cup of coffee and get to know each other before I drop her home.” At least that was a relief. Abbie walked up beside him with her coat in hand. She had a troubled look on her face, and I couldn’t have felt more awful.
“I’m so sorry, Abbie.”
She shrugged and then hugged me. “Call me tomorrow. I love you, Jenna.”
I sucked in a hard breath and hugged her tight. “Have fun. Enjoy the company. He’s wonderful.”
She pulled back and winked. “You did good. Now, go have yourself a shot, take a long hot bath and relax. It’ll be okay.”
"Oh shoot,” I cursed. “I still need to get Sarah and Glenn home and Royal took my truck! I don’t have a lift for Glenn. Damn him!”
It just kept getting worse and worse. I was ready to rip my hair out of my head by the roots! I wanted to get rid of Sarah posthaste. If I didn’t, I would end up smacking her.
"I can take them if you'd like, Jenna. My car is low enough that I should be able to get him in.”
I smiled gratefully at him. "Thank you, Jason. I would appreciate it. I'm not sure when Royal will be back, so that's very helpful."
"It's settled then."
Giving Abbie another apologetic smile, I went into the den to give Sarah and Glenn the news. I did feel bad that Glenn’s birthday had become such a nightmare, but he hadn’t been much better than Royal.
After I shut the door, I turned off the porch light, locked the doors, and headed straight upstairs. It’d been a hell of a night—more like a night from hell—so I put the girls in charge of the little kids and went to bed.
I woke up the next morning alone.
Chapter 9
"Jenna, are you even listening to me?"
Yeah, I heard him, but I had nothing to offer. If he'd listened to me in the first place, we’d already be done.
"I've been packing for over a week, Royal. Can you just give me a few minutes to get this done?"
He mumbled something indistinguishable and walked out of the room toward the garage. Thank God he did, because I couldn’t deal with him for another second. We’d gone through the motions for weeks and were barely talking. He’d slept on the couch every night since the fiasco at Glenn’s birthday dinner, and frankly, I didn’t miss him at all. He could freeze to death for all I cared. It served him right.
He still hadn’t apologized for being a jerk, even though I’d said I was sorry countless times for blowing up and slapping him. I’d never hit him, and it made my stomach turn thinking about it. I was wrong, but the Lana situation was making me a crazy person.
The last real conversation we’d had was an argument, so the strain was more pronounced. Abbie called me one day and told me Lana had been to the work site to see him not once, but twice.
That left me full of suspicion and tons of anger. Most of all, it hurt. I wanted to trust him—I did trust him, but the thought of him spending time with her made me sick.
I had mixed feelings about our annual family trip. We’d gone to the lake every year since Macy was a baby. Things had been so tense and hostile between us, I couldn’t see how it would be enjoyable for anyone. No one deserved to be around us at each other’s throats all the time, but I didn’t want to disappoint the kids.
So I was zipping my trap and trying to tamper down the urge to strangle him. Not such an easy task when just looking at him made me want to take a frying pan to his skull.
"Are you done with that shit yet? I can't find the key to the damn RV, and I need to fill it up with gas tonight. We won't have time tomorrow."
I slammed the pen down and turned around.
"You've known about the trip as long as I have Royal. Why are you jumping down my throat? I’ve done all the grocery shopping, washed and packed the sleeping bags and the linens in the RV, stocked the RV, tested the air mattresses, aired out the tents, and packed up all the kids. I got the fuel for the stove and the lanterns, and everything else that needed to be done. What did you do again? Oh yeah—nothing.”
"Poor Jenna, always so busy. If you didn't have time why'd you do it? Quit being a martyr."
He was being cruel, and it was working. It was a punch in the gut.
"A martyr is willing. I do it because nobody else will! I've been taking care of this family for years! When are you going to start?"
He chuckled under his breath and left the room. Here we go again. I folded the forms I’d filled out for the girls for cheer camp and placed them in the envelope, slipping them into my purse so I wouldn't forget. Camp started the day after we got home, so I wanted to be sure I had everything in order before we left.
Lord knew he wouldn’t.
I went into the kitchen, grabbed the key from the rack—where all the damn keys were all the damn time—and stomped out to the garage. I chucked the keys at Royal's back and went inside without another word.
Benji still needed a bath, and since it was already late, I started with him. My list was as long as my arm, but he was hyper and excited and a warm bath always calmed him down before bedtime.
Plus, it was our very own alone time to read and talk without anyone else. I loved listening to him babble while he played.
"Do I get to fish with Gramps and Daddy?" he asked, plunging his toy truck in and out of the water.
"Don't you always get to fish?"
He nodded and continued to play with his toy. "You mad at Daddy, Mommy?"
A lump formed in my throat, but I swallowed it down. It killed me that he worried about us. We were horrible.
"No, I’m not mad. I'm just tired and took it out on him. Sorry we were yelling."
"He gets in so much trouble." He shook his head and continued playing.
"We'll have a lot of fun at the lake, bubs. Daddy's bringing the tubes so you get to play with those. You love that, huh?"
"Can I sleep in the tents this time?"
I gave him a small smile, knowing that as usual he'd end up in the RV with my parents. "You sure can. Whatever you want."
"I'm gonna sleep with you and Daddy 'cause the girls are noisy."
"That sounds good. Hurry up now so we can get to sleep. We leave early tomorrow.”
I hadn’t even dried him off before he was nodding off. While he was pliable and compliant, I slid his jammies onto him and tucked him in bed. The guilt was still eating at my soul from what he’d said earlier about the fighting. His precious innocence gutted me. How could we be so selfish? We were hurting our fucking kids!
After I left his room, I went downstairs, shut off the lights but left the kitchen lights on for Royal since he was still banging around in
the garage, and went into the den to watch some TV to clear my head for a bit.
It seemed like all I’d had to think about was how dysfunctional my family was for months. I was exhausted, and I missed my husband. My partner. The one wish I had more than anything else was for him to put forward an effort to talk, or at least listen to me.
Something deeper was going on, and I wasn’t interested in listening to his BS about work and lost contracts. We were crumbling, and having him ignore it or avoid it was gathering like thunder under my skin.
I wasn’t usually so combative or aggressive, but damn it, I was losing my shit. I couldn’t—wouldn’t—lose him. Not emotionally and not physically. Whatever it was that he was going through, it was obviously more than he could manage.
I was still his best friend. His partner. His wife. I would do anything for him, anything and everything. I would be whatever he needed.
The one thing I was unwilling to do was stay quiet.
* * *
The kids drove with Royal and my dad in the RV to the campground, and my mom, Abbie, and I followed in my dad’s truck with the boat. It was great having a little space from Royal, and spending time with my mom was always fun. Plus—I got to catch up with Abbie.
Abbie was the freest spirited I knew, and I envied her freedom and wild child mentality. She’d always been that way, even when we were kids. It’s one of the things that drew me to her in the first place. I’d been reserved and shy as a kid, and she brought out another side of me. Where I craved security and stability, she lived for adventure and risks.
That basically described her love life. She regularly dated several men at once because she didn’t like to be tied down. She didn’t like to close off her options, but I personally felt like she was afraid of commitment.
That’s why when I met Jason, I knew he could be the game changer for her. She needed someone centered and responsible, not one of her usual playboy idiots. I couldn’t wait to see how it played out for them.
So, for the length of the trip, I listened to her talk about the guys, what they did, what she thought of them, and when she thought she'd dump them. My poor mother was having a hard time with her stories. She wanted Abbie to settle down, and even though she'd never say it out loud, she thought she was a hussy.
She wasn't, but my mother was old-fashioned.
When she talked about Jason, however, there was a certain pull to her lips, a thoughtful sparkle in her eyes. He scared her—which was good. She needed the challenge. He was a change for her but in a great way. She thought so, too, but she wasn’t sure how to make it work. But she was willing to try, and that was a start.
Three hours later, we pulled into the campground, and the whole scene made me smile. Royal and my dad were already setting up camp, and the girls were hard at work, helping put up tents. It was awesome to see my family together, happy and working as a unit. Even Benji, in his own little way, was right in the middle of the action.
While they worked on the tents, I helped my mom get situated in the RV. I was pretty sure our vacations meant more to her and my dad than they did to any of us. They couldn't get enough of the kids, and the kids in turn loved being with their grandparents.
My dad lived for the time he spent with the boys. He adored Royal, the way a man would love a son. It took him years to warm up to Royal, but the day we announced my pregnancy and Royal made it clear he was ready to do whatever it took to make a life for us, he earned my father’s respect.
They'd grown very close, and it meant a lot to Royal since he never had a father figure growing up. He hung on my father’s every word, learned everything he had to teach, and tried to be the man he promised my father he’d be.
And Benji, well, as much as my dad loved the girls, he couldn't hide his joy when we announced that we were having a boy. Teddy's death had hung over us for so long, and Benji was a huge ray of sunshine. Another chance. He was everything we expected and more. Sweet, stubborn, feisty, and beautiful. He was boy through and through. Even though he was a surprise, he was a true blessing to all of us. There was a soft, special spot in my heart for my little boy, a place that was waiting just for him.
That night after we’d had a nice dinner, we all sat around the campfire and talked. Everyone was too tired for much else after the long drive and getting things around camp done. There was an instant sense of peace and calm once we were all together, laughing and talking and relaxing. Some of the most important memories of my life were made at that lake, and it held a special place in my heart.
At that very campground, I’d lost my virginity to Royal, and the memory was so vivid even after all these years that I felt my face heat just thinking about it. Being there usually revved up the romance and passion for us and brought us back to a time when we were so insanely in love. But we were so far removed from those two kids that believed in forever and trust and sex under the stars. We were now worn out, angry, miserable people that didn’t even know or like one another most of the time.
The guilt and shame made me sick. As much as I wanted to believe that if we worked hard enough we’d be okay, I had more doubt than hope. I'd resigned myself to living in denial and ignorance. Somehow, I had to find a way to crawl through the tunnel until I saw the light.
I needed the fucking light like I needed air.
After a little while in front of the fire, there was more yawning than conversation, so I knew it was time to get the kids to bed. Benji especially. I sent the girls off to their tent with the dog. They didn’t like to be alone, even though they didn’t like to admit it. Angus always stayed in the girl’s tent. Always.
I climbed into the tent after Ben and flopped onto the floppy rubber mattress, patting a spot for him.
"Come on, kiddo. Let me clean you up and get your jammies on."
He pulled his swim trucks off and stood proudly in his Power Ranger underwear. "Do you have to wash my face with wipes, Mommy? Those are yucky."
"Sorry, Bubba, but you're all sticky from marshmallows. I don't want sticky in the bed."
"Daddy had some, too. Make him wash his face, too."
Royal chuckled and held his hand out for a wet wipe. Benji watched to make sure he actually washed and then turned around for me to get him cleaned up. I put all the dirty wipes in a Ziploc and then slipped Benji's pajamas on. Royal had already climbed onto the mattress and stripped his shirt and shorts off, leaving him in his boxers.
I was the last to get ready, but finally I was in a clean t-shirt and climbing in next to them. I let Benji stay in the middle, not wanting to be near Royal. It was the perfect excuse.
"Daddy," he whispered loudly.
"What, bud?"
"You didn't give Mama a kiss."
I clenched my eyes tight and dragged the blanket up around my shoulders. Leave it to my innocent boy to pull the elephant into the room. Or tent, as it was.
"Guess I forgot, bud. Move over, so I can reach her."
I could hear, and feel, them rustling behind me, and then the weight of Royal was behind me. "Lift up," he said softly in my ear.
I did, letting his arm slip underneath me while the other went around my torso and brought me against his chest. His lips were at my ear, his breath heavy and warm.
"Is this okay?"
My stomach knotted. It should’ve been okay, and for such a simple question to hurt so badly made me sick. Having him hold me while I slept was normal, or at least should’ve been. Sadly, it wasn’t normal anymore. I hated that he felt like home and an intruder at the same time.
I nodded, and his lips were on my ear, soft and uncertain. Once, twice, and then his fingers were rubbing my stomach.
"Night, cookie. Love you."
The tears were silent, but he knew. His lips apologized, and his hands were comforting. The strong thump of his heart against my back told me he was as confused as me. I could almost hear the unspoken questions as his thoughts filled the tent. He didn’t know what to do either.
Benji finally g
ot sick of being alone because not even five minutes later, he was curled up with his tiny, sharp toes digging into my thighs, and his hot fire breath fanned against my neck. I was hot as blazes between the two of them holding me down like a Jenna sandwich, but I didn't dare move. I was exactly where I wanted to be. There was nowhere in the world more comfortable than in their arms.
* * *
The next morning, I woke up in a tangle of arms, legs, and smelly boys. I managed to escape and made my way over to the RV so I could pee. I tried to be as quiet as I could so I wouldn't wake my parents, but I had to pee so bad at that point I didn't care.
I wasn't surprised to find my mom already awake and working on breakfast.
"Morning, honey. Did you sleep okay?"
I groaned. "No. I think I'm getting too old for sleeping on the ground."
She laughed and nodded. "Benji should’ve stayed with us. Daddy pulled the bed out before we went to sleep just in case he changed his mind."
"I think he just wanted to be with Mom and Dad last night." I thought about his little comment to Royal, and I knew more than ever that was the truth.
She smiled and turned her attention back on the bacon. "I'll be back, Ma. I need to use the bathroom."
I quickly did my thing and then joined her in the kitchen. "You didn't have to do this. I could’ve done this on the camp stove. It has that huge skillet."
She waved me off with her spatula. "I was up, it's not a biggie. I can only stand to lay there and watch your father snore for so long, baby."
We giggled, glancing back toward the room where my father was still asleep. "At least Royal doesn't snore that bad. I don't know how you sleep with that."
She winked and bumped me with her hip. "The alternative is worse. Your daddy is a great cuddler."
I wrinkled my nose. Knowing my mother, she was about to start in about their sex life.
"I still have gunk in my eyes, Mom. Do not talk about you and Daddy in bed. I'll never be old enough, okay."
"Fair enough," she huffed. "So, what are we doing after breakfast? Did you want to go into town early, or do that tomorrow?"