Walking quietly into the dark forest, we chose a place hidden beneath a cluster of sand pines. I turned my back while undressing, giving myself the illusion of privacy. My change was almost instantaneous; a simple shift from one form into another. One moment I was human, the next a black jaguar. Painless and easy.
Gavin’s shift however was neither. Bones and muscle had to rearrange themselves into a new, larger form. His grunts of pain as his bones snapped and popped were familiar. I had always felt sorry for other shifters - the pain they were forced to endure. It was yet another thing that separated me from the others, made me feel different. But now I knew why. I wasn’t like them.
Fully changed he towered above me, muscles rippling under his tawny fur.
The sounds of the forest at night explode around me. The hoot of a Barred owl filled the air, mixing with the symphony of croaking frogs and chirping crickets. A Chuck-will’s-widow sang incessantly. I growled a warning at the bird, and it flew off in a rustle of feathers.
After catching his breath, we ran. It was exhilarating. The wind through my fur, using muscles that had gone so long without any real use. After we had run for what seemed like hours, even chasing a few wild pigs that rooted near the marsh, I collapsed in the grass, panting. I luxuriated in the simple contentment that came with being in my other skin. Gavin stretched out beside me, rubbing against me like a house cat, licking my face. Conflicted, I hissed and swiped at him keeping my sharp claws sheathed. Gesturing with my head for us to return, I stalked back to the cluster of pines where we hid our clothes. I changed back and dressed quickly, flinching as I listened to him complete the painful process of shifting back to human.
“Kyra, can we go back to your place and talk?” Gavin pulled his tee shirt over his head, mussing his hair further. He really needed a haircut.
“Fine. Follow me,” I mumbled, resigned.
He followed in his rental, a stunning orange Dodge Challenger. The engine purred, echoing in the parking garage as he pulled into a visitor space. We walked up the six floors in silence, our breathing the only sound in the stairwell.
I fixed a pot of hazelnut coffee, drowning mine in creamer. I had decided to indulge - I deserved it for putting up with him. We sat in the so-called living room drinking our steaming mugs.
“Why are you here, Gavin?”
“Well Kyra, you just ran off. What did you expect me to do?”
“I don’t know. Maybe stay in Wyoming and have a life,” I snarled.
“You knew I’d hunt you down. It’s our nature.”
My eyes narrowed and I struggled to keep from scowling.
“I hoped you’d stay anyway. I didn’t expect you to look for me for seven years, Gavin. Isn’t that bordering on obsessive?” His flinch cracked the wall I fabricated around my heart. Softer I added, “Gavin, I tried to break it off with you - a few times in fact - but you were so persuasive and I was too weak to stay away from you. I hated hurting you.”
“You did plenty of that.”
“I know and I’m sorry.” I ran my fingers through my short hair, my irritation growing. The energy gathered, slowly for now, but I began pacing. “I did everything I could think of to push you away - you just wouldn’t let me go. I know I did terrible things to you but you were still right there.” Frustration lined my voice, but I struggled to push it back. “I told you I wasn’t any good for you. Over and over. You just couldn’t see it.”
“That’s bullshit!” He surged off the couch and walked to the windows, staring at the gorgeous view. “Couldn’t you see that I was good for you?” Turning to face me again, his expression was strained, lost squarely in the past. “I know things weren’t going well for you after I left for school. I did everything to make things easier on you. I even tolerated you seeing other guys for fuck’s sake.”
“I didn’t deserve you.”
“Cut the bullshit Kyra. You don’t get to decide for me. You don’t just walk out either. We were supposed to be together.” His eyes shined with unshed tears. “You talk about things when you’re in a relationship, you don’t just disappear.”
“But that’s just it, Gavin. I didn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I wanted out, but you wouldn’t let me. You didn’t hear me. I had to run - it’s the only way I could have left you.”
“You didn’t love me anymore?” His question tore at my heart. “You should have just said so not–“
“It wasn’t that.” I should have lied. It would have been easier, but I couldn’t do that to him.
“Then what?”
“I was smothering there. You were smothering me.”
“I wasn’t even there!” He threw up his hands. “I was hundreds of fucking miles away at college!”
“Regardless you and your wonderful family were suffocating me. I’m not like you, or your family. You all are so good, so wholesome, so fucking nice! I felt bad wanting the things I wanted, feeling things that I felt, with all your goodness around me. I felt like I couldn’t meet your expectations. It was slowly killing me.”
“None of us judged you. We knew what happened before you came to live with us. We knew about your foster family.”
“No, you knew part of it.”
“And that was our fault? You wouldn’t talk about it. We could have helped you if you’d trusted us more. Trusted me more.”
“I couldn’t–“
“Yeah,” he sneered. “You just can’t trust all the way can you? You share pieces of yourself, but no one knows the whole picture, huh? Are you scared if you share too much, they won’t love you?”
“Enough!”
I wanted to throw something. I wanted to hurt something. His barb hit too close, strangling me. The energy eddied around me, growing. My hands shook. This was getting out of control; the monster was peeking out. I closed my eyes, blocking out everything, and focused on breathing. In and out. In and out. In. Out.
Calmer and back in control, I looked into his worried eyes.
“That was the past. Should-haves and could-haves don’t fix anything. I’m sorry for the poor choices I made in my past, but my life works for me now. I love my job, what I do. I’m slowly starting to like who I am, for the first time. It may not be what others want for me. It may not look all that great to you or to your perfect little family, but it is my life. You don’t know me anymore. You have no right to-“
“I know you.” His low growl rumbled throughout the room, raising the hairs on my neck. His eyes flashed as he stalked to me and gripped my arms in his steely fists. “How can you say I don’t know you after all we’ve been through, after all we were to each other? How can you even say that?”
“The hell I don’t know you, know what you want.” His lips crashed into mine, bruising. An angry clash of lips and teeth. Growling, I kissed him back just as pissed. Our lips devoured each other hungrily, as our desire caught fire.
Freeing my arms I tore at his shirt, briefly breaking contact as I yanked the offending material over his head. I traced the ridges of his chest to his back, feeling his moan at my touch. Enjoying the flex of muscle under my nails as I clawed his back, the hiss of his breath escaping through clenched teeth stirred something dark inside me.
Wide eyes met mine, his shock evident. It had never been like this between us. What we had was sweet, innocent, as first loves often are. But we weren’t equal then. I was weak. Needy. Fragile.
That girl was long-gone.
Chest heaving, he gasped for breath as if he’d been running. “Tell me you want this.” He pleaded against my lips. Clenching his fist in my hair he arched my head back, trailing kisses down my taught neck. “Or tell me to stop.”
My body heated, remembering his touch, even if time had changed so much. I wanted to lose myself in him, in something so achingly familiar, but new. I couldn’t remember why this was a bad idea as the years between us, the heated angry words, fell away like leaves in the wind. A part of me had been waiting, dormant all this time, for him to kiss me
again.
If he stopped I thought I’d fall to pieces.
“Don’t stop.”
I gasped as he lunged for me, trailing fire with his touch. The flames consumed us.
But when he left, would anything of me remain?
Chapter Fourteen
The blaring doorbell tore me from the blessed oblivion of sleep. I scrunched up my face with displeasure. It was way too early to put up with anyone, especially considering how late I’d actually gone to sleep.
I untangled myself from Gavin, who was sleeping like the dead, and yanked on his wrinkly tee shirt from a crumpled heap on the floor. Stumbling to the door, I peeked groggily through the peephole. My exhaustion fled when I saw who was standing on the other side of the door.
Spencer.
Oh for fuck’s sake.
I just wanted to go back to bed. I rested my head against the door, a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Cracking the door a few inches, I glared at my partner.
“What the hell do you want so goddamn early in the morning?”
“Well, I can see you haven’t had your coffee yet.” He shoved his way inside and planted a kiss on my forehead, leaving me in my own doorway. Then the man made coffee.
I stood staring in stunned silence, mouth gaping as I watched him own my kitchen. I couldn’t decide if I was pissed at his intrusion. At least the man had his priorities in order, coffee before conversation. He poured me a steaming mug and steered me into the living room, pushing me gently to sit on the couch.
I knew I had to get him out of the condo before he saw Gavin. I really did not want to deal with this shit. My eyes skirted around the room, relieved to see that nothing shouted that I’d had ex sex. I had to rush this along before Gavin decided to make an appearance.
Sipping my coffee, my eyebrows shot up as the unexpected flavors of vanilla and hazelnut burst on my tongue. Spencer not only made a mean cup of joe, he’d also brought me a new flavor.
“Thanks,” I mumbled into my cup, struggling to sound a little less petulant. That was as good as it was going to get on such little sleep.
“I wanted to meet to get an update on the case. It’s been so hard to actually reach you lately.” His narrowed eyes knowingly met mine. “I figured I’d try an early morning attempt.”
“Now is not exactly a great time.”
“It never is.”
“You’ve been pretty clear about your misgivings.”
“Yes, I have. I won’t apologize for that.” His warm brown eyes regarded me openly. “I just want to make sure you are okay. You don’t check in enough.” He held up his hand when I started to protest. “It’s not about me trusting you. I worry about you, especially when I don’t hear from you for a week. A lot can happen in that time.”
It had been so long since someone cared about me, really cared, that I was left floundering for a response. Before I could come up with one, he continued his gentle attack.
“So how are you dealing with having your ex in town?”
The sudden shift in the conversation had my head spinning. Unable to meet his eyes, I fidgeted, fumbling with my groggy mind for a suitable answer.
Seeing my distress he laughed, correctly surmising the truth.
“You met up with him.” I wanted to wipe the knowing smirk off his face. The only reason I didn’t was cupped between my hands. “You did, didn’t you?” Leaning back into the cushions he stretched his long legs in front of him. I tried to summon the energy to be meaner, but failed. It wouldn’t work anyway. Spencer seemed immune to my bitchiness.
“We just dealt with some unfinished business.” I hesitated, finally admitting, “He wants me to go back to Wyoming.”
“Well are you?”
“Fuck no. I wouldn’t fit in there anymore.” My voice was heavy with sadness as I added, “I never really did.”
I didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes. I shuffled to the kitchen and refilled my cup, settling back into the cozy cushions. “Look, all of that is a part of the past. I could never go back to that hick town and fit into the neat little tidy box that they had ready and waiting for me.” It was the truth. If I felt out of place then, it wouldn’t even compare to now. I was a hot mess, a dangerous one. They were safer thousands of miles away. No matter how much my heart ached to repair the damage I had caused.
Spencer grinned, his eyes twinkling. “I don’t think Wyoming could handle you.” He leaned forward, amusement gone as he started, “Look-”
“All a part of the past huh?” Gavin growled from the stairs of the loft above, his voice dripping with disdain.
Oh. Fuck.
I wanted to scream.
How fucking stupid was I? I was supposed to be getting Spencer out of my condo, not having a heart-to-heart. I just wanted to deal with one catastrophe at a time. Was that too much to ask?
I would have laughed if it wasn’t so depressingly awkward. Spencer’s jaw hung open as he watched my past stalk down the stairs.
Gavin glared daggers at me as he stood at the foot of the stairs, arms crossed. I didn’t blame him for feeling angry, the whole thing was my own stupid fault. I shouldn’t have slept with him in the first place. I should have shooed my partner out quicker. When it came to Gavin, I made mistakes left and right. It was my MO.
The silence stretched, growing increasingly awkward by the second. It was one of those rare moments in my life when I was completely speechless.
Spencer threw his head back and guffawed, his laughter continuing for much longer than necessary. My anger simmered as tears leaked from his eyes.
“Oh this is just too good,” he struggled to say, wiping the tears as he continued to enjoy himself at my expense.
“Glad you’re enjoying yourself, Spence.”
“Oh it’s just too good.” He leaned forward, gasping for breath.
“Coffee?” Lips tight, I at least tried to be polite. At Gavin’s answering nod I poured him a mug, leaving it black. He smiled tightly when he noticed that I remembered.
“What’s Daniel going to say about this?” Spencer asked the one question I had avoided asking myself.
“Who is Daniel?” Gavin glared at the two of us. I wanted to smack my partner.
“Are you trying to piss me off?” I asked him.
“Well, you are obviously thinking with your -”
“Who the hell is Daniel, Kyra?” Spencer and I glanced at him as he growled his question.
“Daniel is my boyfriend.” My brows scrunched. “Sort-of.” I wracked my brain. Was he? Ugh. Labels made things so complicated. We’d never really talked about it, and definitely never discussed exclusivity. I didn’t know if he was seeing anyone else. It had never mattered before so I wasn’t used to talking about the status of any relationship. I kept things casual. It was clear that Daniel wasn’t just a fuck buddy. He was definitely more.
Did I just fuck things up?
I caught myself starting to pace, the energy beginning to gather around me, as I replayed our conversations. I needed to talk to Daniel and clear the air.
“You can’t ever stay faithful can you?”
The smile wiped off Spencer’s face as the words hit me like a slap.
“That was uncalled for.”
“Don’t Spence.” I held out my hand to keep him from rising from the couch. “He’s right.” I shrugged. The empty places inside me seemed to expand, dragging me down. I sank onto the couch next to my partner. His hand immediately wrapped around mine, the soothing zap of energy taking away some of my anxiety.
“I shouldn’t have said that.” Gavin apologized, forcing his sheepish gaze to meet mine. “I was angry. That was out of line.”
“No, you had every right. Sometimes the truth hurts.”
“Look, maybe I should go.” He ran his fingers though his hair, looking as dejected as I felt. “You can keep the shirt. I have a spare in my car.” His soft smile awakened the butterflies. I knew what he was doing.
I walked him
to the door, lost in a haze of confusion.
“I’ll give you a couple of days.” Gavin’s eyes met mine. “But I’ll call you. I need answers. I deserve answers.” His voice almost pleaded.
Warm hands cupped my face. His thumbs gently traced my lips. The familiarity of his touch stirred something deep in my soul. Soft lips met mine in a gentle kiss filled with both promise and heartbreak.
I watched him walk down the hall, appreciating the view as my heart went with him.
I was in trouble.
The click of the door shutting behind me was loud. I ducked into the kitchen and poured another cup of coffee mustering a calmness I didn’t feel before I faced my partner. The murmur of his voice met me as I shuffled back into the living room.
His pinched face had my heart plummeting.
“Another body?” I asked as Spencer hung up his cell. His jerky nod had me on my feet, coffee in hand. “Let’s hit it. I’ll throw something on and meet you at my bike.”
“Just follow me,” I tried not to raise my hackles at his tone as he yelled up into the loft. “I’m honestly tired of riding bitch on that deathtrap of yours.”
Dressed and ready I locked the door following my partner as he stalked down the stairs, too irritated to wait on the elevator.
“I’ll ride with you.” He step faltered and his wide eyes met mine.
“If you’re sure.”
I didn’t say anything, just sprinted down the stairs after him. I settled into the seat of his Camry, my palms sweating.
“Belt, Kyra.”
“I’m working on it.” I swallowed thickly, my shaking hands reaching for the seatbelt. I knew I didn’t need the belt, but I couldn’t exactly tell Spencer why. It was better to just do this. Get it over with. The click of the belt connecting echoed like a gunshot in the car. My heart sped but I held it together, rolling down the window and pressing myself against the door.
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