Beyond Compare (The Beyond Series Book 4)

by Ashley Logan

  “So who made it to the bottom first?” Tim asks, still laughing.

  Andy and I barely glance at each other and shrug.

  “From what I saw, it looked like Andy rode Kat down the hill like a sled,” Liana says, laughing too. “So I guess it’s was a tie.”

  Tim laughs harder as he looks at Andy. “You what?”

  Andy’s cheeks flush a brilliant crimson and Tim’s eyes flick to mine. Feeling my own cheeks heating, I look back up the hill. “We should have brought the sleds.”

  “We’ll go get them!” Ros says, pulling Li up.

  “We’ll help,” Tim says, dragging Jem with him as he throws me a ‘we’ll give you guys some time to talk’ glance.

  Great. Just what I need.

  Andy takes the hat from his head and shakes the snow from it before pulling it back on. “I shouldn’t have done that,” he says quietly, watching Tim and Jem as they get to our back garden fence and help each other over. “I just thought you...” Frowning, he shakes his head before meeting my eyes. “You didn’t want me to kiss you.”

  Shifting my eyes to the naked oaks and maples, I lift one shoulder. The problem is that I did want him to kiss me. “I don’t...” Sighing, I brush snow from my sleeves and take off my own hat, working my fingers through my hair to help cool me down. “I’m not...”

  Groaning at myself, I kick the top off a mound of snow. “I haven’t seen you in over seven years. Since the last time you kissed me. A lot has happened in that time, Andy. We’re not the same people anymore. You live in New York. I live in Buffalo. I have four dependents; well, three. Tim doesn’t really need me. You probably have other people in your life; maybe a goldfish? I don’t know. You have a high maintenance career and I work two jobs. We’re busy people and kisses in the snow are nothing but empty promises made with... holiday goggles.”

  “Holiday goggles?”

  “A momentary lapse of judgment due to the rose-colored glasses worn by those on vacation,” I explain, making myself depressed. Holiday goggles can’t disguise the real problem, but I’ll shield him from that as best I can; by drawing the line. “It’s not real. It’ll never be real.”

  “Oh,” he says quietly, looking crushed. “It felt real.”

  “It did,” I agree, sinking to the ground and sitting in the snow. “Sorry.”

  Sitting next to me in his wet jeans, Andy keeps his eyes on the snow. “You live in Buffalo now?”

  Nodding, I pluck the little chunks of melting snow off my hat. “It’s the only way I can afford to keep everyone. Tim’s happy to supervise things at home so that I can be the financial backer.”

  “And that works?”

  “Yeah. I mean, it’s not ideal, but it works. Tim’s the day-to-day boss and I’m the overseer. We call or Skype each other all the time, and I’m home once a month to restock the freezer with nutritious meals to help ease the domestic load. Jem watches the twins after school. She’ll be off to college next year, so I’ll have to spend a bit more on babysitters to fill the gaps, but the twins are almost old enough to be left alone in the afternoons without burning the house down. We’ve managed to pay the house off, so that’s helped a lot; although there’s ongoing maintenance of course. I’m rambling now. What’s it like living in Manhattan? I bet the sidewalks are crazy-full of suits and fashionistas.”

  “Crazy-full, is a good description. Sometimes you’re so crammed together, you can’t even see what other people are wearing. Sometimes the flow of foot traffic is so strong, you end up going in a direction you didn’t want to, because you’re surrounded by a mob of strangers heading that way and it takes too long to break free of them. It’s made me stronger and more determined, I think, but it sure is nice to breathe again,” he says taking in the spacious park and open sky. “What kind of work do you do? It must pay well if you’re rid of the mortgage.”

  Holding my breath, I watch our back fence as four sleds are tossed over it and the kids start climbing back into the park. I haven’t told them the truth, and I’m not going to tell Andy either; for similar reasons.

  “I work in a hair salon part-time, I do some bar-work, and I live with a dance crew, making meals and cleaning. They’re really good to me; like family. Board is free, it pays well, and I make a lot in tips.”

  I’m not even lying, but the dishonesty of my truth-twisting makes my guts ache.

  Andy just nods. “Do you dance with them too?”

  “Sometimes. We danced in a charity show a few months back at the Shea’s Buffalo Theater.” I’m sure my face goes dreamy whenever I think about dancing on that stage in front of hundreds of people. “It was beautiful.”

  Smiling again, Andy sighs softly. “Good for you, ThunderKat. Good for you. Did Jem get a scholarship to college?”

  “A partial one. I’ll provide her living costs. She’s going to do so well for herself, Andy. Remember those screechy concerts she used to perform for us in the backyard? Well, you should hear her play the violin now. It’s breathtaking.”

  Andy smiles as if he’s as proud of Jem as I am. “I’m glad everything is working out for you guys despite the hard times. You know I’m out there, if you ever need anything,” he says, searching my face for more than I can give him. “I haven’t really had any time for other people in the past few years, so I’d love to stay connected with you all.”

  He says all, but his eyes stay on me, even though my siblings have arrived back with their sleds in tow.

  “Thanks Andy,” Tim says, swinging an arm around his shoulders. “We missed you too. Kat cried for weeks after you left for college.”

  Glaring at Tim, I snatch the sled rope from his hand and storm up the hill with it.

  By the time I get to the bottom again, the girls are all on their way up. Tim takes his sled back from me with a stern look before leaving me alone with Andy again.

  “Whatever it is you’re not saying, I’m ready to listen when you’re ready to share it,” Andy says, pulling me into a hug. “It’s been good to see you, Kat. You should be proud of everything you’ve accomplished. You’re the strongest, most beautiful girl I’ve ever known. Maybe I’ll see you later.”

  Kissing my cheek as he releases me, Andy walks slowly back to his dad’s house without looking back.

  “Are you nuts?” Tim asks when his sled reaches the bottom. The girls are all on their way back up, so we have a brief window of privacy.

  “Why? Because I’m not kissing Andy Coulson?”

  “Yes,” Tim says, completely serious. “Because you want to kiss Andy Coulson.”

  “No I don’t. Just leave it Tim.”

  Frowning, Tim looks towards the neighbors’ house. “But you’ve been in love with him since you were about ten. And he looks interested.”

  “Well I’m not, okay? Andy and I will never work, and I’m not investing time and energy into something that will end badly.”

  “You can’t know that.”

  “I know it.” The absolute certainty in my voice gives Tim pause.

  “Are you seeing someone else?”

  “No.”

  Growling at me a little, Tim sighs. “You should.” With that, he turns and walks back up the hill.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Christmas morning whizzes by in a blur of great coffee, pancakes with maple syrup, tinsel, and wrapping paper. The house smells of festivity and the sound of laughter recharges my soul. Everyone loves the quilts I’ve made them, and the others have stuck to the rules about making their gifts too. When Jem cries tears of happiness while opening the last present from under the tree revealing a beautiful music journal that Liana has made the cover for, I sigh happily in Dad’s old armchair, knowing that I’m doing right by my family.

  “Are you ready for your present now?” Tim asks with a grin.

  “Huh?” Leaning forward, I reach behind me to retrieve my stash. “I’ve already got my presents,” I say, smiling as I look at the photo of them all in a hand-decorated frame, the beaded necklace and key-chain,
and the pen-drive with a new music playlist.

  Waving a hand at me, he grins. “There’s just one more. Only this one wouldn’t fit under the tree.” The others crowd me with poorly restrained excitement.

  Confused, I search their faces. “What is this?”

  “Let’s blindfold her!” squeals Ros, jumping up and disappearing from the living room. Returning with a scarf, she and Liana wrap it around my head as I try to get clues from Tim and Jem.

  “Seriously. What is going on?”

  “You’ll see,” Jem says, pulling me up from my chair and guiding me through the house.

  At the front door, they get into their coats and help me into mine. Putting on my boots is the hardest part of being dressed whilst blindfolded, but it leaves us all laughing.

  We slip and scramble down the front steps and crunch along the frozen ground.

  “Where are we going?” I ask, twisting my face under the scarf in an attempt to relieve an itch as it tickles my nose.

  “Right here,” Tim says as I’m brought to a stop. The scarf is unraveled and I blink at the bright light of day as my eyes adjust.

  I’m standing in front of a car and my beaming siblings. Tim hands me a key.

  “A car?”

  “I know it doesn’t look like much,” Tim says, holding his palms up. “I got it cheap, but I did all the work myself and it’s safe as houses. Winter tires, and there are chains in the back if you run into heavier snow. The engine is in good order, it’s cheap to run, and it’ll live forever. You can come and go as you please now, because you won’t be waiting on me to give you a lift. What do you think?”

  Running my eyes over the little blue hatchback, I wipe my eyes. “I love it!” Sniffing, I give them all a hug. “We’re a two car family!”

  Laughing, Tim shakes his head. “This isn’t for you to come home to do the soccer run, Kat. It’s to give you the freedom to go exploring. Go get a life.”

  “I have a life!” I counter, running my hand along the roof of the car as I walk around it. “I love my life.” Adjusting the side mirror, I open the door. “But I have always wanted my own little car, so thank-you so much guys!”

  Ducking my head inside, I immediately notice the new stereo, as it shines amidst the older dials along the dash. Standing back up, I give Tim a stern look.

  “It was in there when I bought it,” he says with an innocent smile.

  “You’re a terrible liar.”

  “Yeah, well... so are you. You really like it?”

  “I love it. Thank you. Shall we go for a drive?” I ask holding up the key. The twins jump up and down as Jem opens the door and herds them into the back seat. Tim and I jump in the front and as a family, we take a spin around the quiet streets of Franklinville on a tour of everyone’s festively decorated houses.

  “Next year we’ll do that,” Tim says with firm belief. “I’ve got a little money saved up, and I’m going to hit the Boxing Day sales to get all the discounted lights.” Looking behind him to the twins, he proceeds to describe his vision that they will have to help deliver come Christmas next year. They lap up every word, declaring which areas they’ll be responsible for, right down to decorating the mailbox. Jem suggests setting some of the lighting to music, and claims her job as music selector, because she’ll be away while they do the decorating and won’t be able to help.

  I can do nothing but smile as I drive, because my family makes a great team. “I’ll bake the cookies and keep the workers fueled. And Tim, make sure everyone is safe. Whoever goes up on the roof wears a harness - got it?”

  “Yeah, yeah. We’ll be fine.”

  “I’m serious. I’ll pay for two harnesses if you need a helper up there. Just don’t take unnecessary risks.”

  “Roger that, Captain.” Saluting me, he and the girls laugh as he starts playing the role of co-pilot, flicking switches and radioing in messages of chilling the hell out and enjoying the ride.

  As we pull back up to the house, we’re all in great spirits and eager to get our Christmas feast under way.

  The front door opens over at the Coulson house and Andy steps out. Seeing us, he waves and we all wave back, shouting out cheerful well wishes. Andy’s father appears behind him and the smile vanishes from my face.

  Brett Coulson looks older than I remember him, but he would still be considered a handsome man, I think. It’s hard for me to be objective, because I have spent so long disliking him. He looks like an older, sterner version of Andy, but his blond hair is nearly white now, and his blue eyes seem cool and repellent while Andy’s always look warm and welcoming.

  Andy looks behind him, and then directly at me, as if he’s noticed the change in mood I’ve felt. Looking away quickly, I use the bulk of my siblings to hide behind as I rush inside.

  IT’S A BIT COZY, BUT if we sit the right way, we can all fit on the big couch in front of the television. With our feet up in front, we nurse our bulging bellies while we watch It’s a Wonderful Life. It is the end of a perfect family Christmas.

  When there is a knock on the door, all of us groan a little. Warm and comfortable, and having eaten far too much, we’re probably all about five minutes from lapsing into over-indulgence comas.

  “I’ll get it.” Peeling myself from the end of the couch, I stretch enough to get my legs to work and drag myself down the hall to the front door.

  The blast of cold air wakes me up instantly as I open the door, but it’s Andy Coulson that makes me gasp.

  “Andy. Hi.” Looking over my shoulder into the house, I open the door a little wider. “You want to come in?”

  Shaking his head, Andy appears nervous.

  “You want to talk to me?”

  His eyes find mine and hold them.

  I knew this day would come. Confession time.

  “It won’t take long,” he says, as if he already knows he’ll run screaming before too long.

  Reaching for my coat, I slip my feet into Tim’s boots and call over my shoulder. “I’ll be back in a minute. Don’t pause the movie.”

  Stepping out onto the stoop with Andy, I shut the door behind me and take a deep breath.

  “I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable, Kat. It’s just that seeing you after all this time brought all my old feelings back, and I...” He shakes his head. “I’m leaving in the morning.” Fishing something out of his pocket, he hands it to me. His business card. “You can reach me anytime. I’ll be in Buffalo on business in a few weeks, and I’d love to see you, but I’ll understand if... you’re busy. I just can’t leave without telling you... I wanted you to know that... I’m not wearing holiday goggles, ThunderKat.”

  Taking my face in his hands, Andy Coulson kisses me. Kisses me.

  His tongue flicks along the crease between my lips and I gasp a little, which gives him access to enter. Gently coaxing me to open more fully, his mouth keeps me paralyzed somewhere between fear, and ‘Oh-my-God-I-always-wanted-Andy-Coulson-to-do-this! I’m fairly certain his hands are the only things keeping me upright at this point. As his tongue strokes mine, I whimper in either encouragement, or protest. I forget which it should be as his arms come around me.

  “Andrew?”

  Mr. Coulson’s voice is a bucket of cold water dousing the flames being kindled between us. Pulling back with a start, I glance in the direction of the call, but can’t see Brett. Looking back to Andy, I cover my mouth, scared by what I have done.

  Lunging for the door, I shake my head. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

  Clawing at the doorknob, I get inside and shut the door behind me. Panting as I lean against it, I meet the eyes of my siblings who have been spying through the side windows.

  “Are you kidding me?” Storming towards the kitchen, I put the kettle on. “I told you to keep watching the movie!”

  “Which we decided was code for: I’m about to play tonsil hockey with the guy next door,” Ros explains in a matter-of-fact tone. “Duh.”

  “So you thought you’d all come a
nd watch?”

  “Had to prove the theory,” Tim says with a shrug as he gets the cups out. “Totally holds up.”

  “No it doesn’t.”

  “Deny it all you want,” Jem says with a chuckle. “You were definitely kissing him out there. We all saw it.”

  “I was not. He kissed me.”

  “Yeah,” Li agrees. “But you liked it, I could tell.”

  Staring at her, I’m about to deny it, when I realize that I do not want to be involved in this conversation. Zipping my mouth shut, I take my tea and escape to the living room.

  As my family return with their own drinks and snuggle back into their positions, I re-start the movie.

  “We voted,” Li whispers as she leans her head on my shoulder. “We all think you should go for it.”

  Stiffening, I look down at her, then at each of the others. “Do I get a say?”

  Jem waves a dismissive hand at me as her eyes stay trained on the TV. “Nah. You’ll only use us as an excuse for why you can’t have a boyfriend, but if we make the decision, then you get to be happy too.”

  The statement leaves me speechless. Apparently my silence is taken as my acceptance that my siblings now command my love-life, because any further argument is forgotten as they become re-absorbed in the movie; and while I’m grateful for the break it gives me, I do not find any peace with the situation gnawing at me.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The beaded necklace hangs from my rear-view mirror and matches the beads hanging from my keys. The new music mix is playing through the stereo and the framed photo of my siblings lies on the front seat, but the drive back to Buffalo in my new little car could be better.

  With no company, I’m left to think. My fingers restlessly drum the top of the steering wheel. Turning up the music, I try to drown out thoughts of Andy, and how I feel about my family pushing me to get a life as if they don’t need me anymore.

  Part of me wishes they didn’t, but I know they still need me; and that’s fine. I’ll be there for them no matter what. I’ll give them the stability our parents never did, and make sure that they grow up healthy and happy and strong. And proud of themselves.