Beyond Compare (The Beyond Series Book 4)

by Ashley Logan

  “I have something to confess too,” Lennox says slowly. “I was going to tell you yesterday, when you accused me of being a goody-two-shoes, but it seemed immature to be argumentative at the time. Now is a better time to share, if you don’t mind me confessing first?”

  Surprised and a touch scared, I nod. Taking a deep breath, Lennox runs his hand through his hair.

  “Please don’t be offended when I use this word, but probably you’re too innocent to have thought anything of my hydroponic system, beyond its current set up. When I was fifteen, I was inventing systems to propagate in small indoor settings for maximum yield, sort of an urban farming project that became an obsession. By eighteen, I was producing the largest crop of cannabis in my area - for a local motorcycle club.”

  I stare at him blankly. “You grew weed for a gang?”

  “A lot of weed,” he confirms. “Secretly. Or so I thought.”

  “Police?”

  He shakes his head. “Lincoln.” Sighing, he runs his hand down his face and I suddenly notice how weary he looks; making him seem older than his thirty years. “I was too busy living the high life to notice at the time. Thought I had it made. Rolling in cash, girl on my arm - it didn’t bother me at the time that Meghan wanted to get wasted or high all the time, she was fun to be around. When we found out she was pregnant, the world fell instantly into perspective - for me. She wouldn’t stop. I practically had to kidnap her and bribe her to enter rehab and sober up. Once Kimber was born, Megs made her decision. She went back to that life, and I washed my hands of it completely, moving us to Buffalo and dragging my little brother along to keep him away from the scum I’d exposed him to.”

  “He goes to support group,” I say, connecting out loud what I was too distracted to see earlier.

  Lennox nods. “He’s doing great, but I worry he’ll slip. It’s been hard for the guy. Mom still won’t even talk to him, and it’s all my fault - not that she’ll hear it. I’m really not the good person you’ve made me out to be in your head. I’ve made a ton of mistakes and I’m horribly flawed.”

  “You no longer grow anything for illegal use, do you? It’s awfully green in that warehouse of yours. It’d be perfectly camouflaged.”

  “I hate the stuff. Used it twice in my life, and haven’t touched it since I left San Fran.”

  “Cisco? That’s where you’re from?”

  Fending off a yawn, he begs my pardon. “Mmhm.”

  “Okay.” I nod as I look him over. “The puzzle is beginning to make sense.”

  “Puzzle?”

  “You.”

  “Oh.” His lips press into a thin line as he regards me in earnest. “You’re still an enigma,” he says, bringing his hot chocolate to his lips and drinking it all.

  “Even to myself,” I admit with a shy smile. “But I know a few things about myself.”

  “Such as?”

  “I love my family fiercely and will do anything for them - which is not so different from you, I think. Also, I don’t fully trust myself to do certain things for fear of becoming addicted - like the drinking. I’m half Canadian and I’m too scared to eat a jelly-donut in case I can’t stop at one. And until you asked me if I was going to China for dinner, I hadn’t realized that I’ve been traveling the world through my cooking and I now believe that’s the part of it that I do for me. I can’t sit still for more than two minutes unless I’m having a conversation, because I feel guilty that I should be doing something else, or because I need to distract myself from certain trains of thought. My fingers have to be kept busy for the same reason, or they drive me insane. And...” Pausing, I try to keep calm.

  Lennox leans in. “And?”

  “And I strip because I like sex too much. Fuck.” Clamping my hand over my mouth, I sink sideways on the seat to hide my face as it burns with shame.

  Lennox’s laughter makes me pull myself right back up. “It’s not funny!”

  Laughing harder, he tries to stop when he sees my face

  “What?” he cries as he wipes at his eyes. “Yes it is!”

  Glaring at him, I fold my arms as I contemplate leaving. He must guess at my thoughts, because any evidence of amusement quickly drops from his face.

  “Please don’t run. I’m sorry I laughed. It’s just that, sex feels good and you should like it. Liking it a lot is fine.”

  “I said too much. I like it too much.”

  Considering that a moment, his eyes narrow a little. “How much is too much?”

  “More than I’ve been willing to find out.”

  Covering his mouth with his hand, he studies me a moment. “You don’t?” His eyes go wide with the realization. “That’s what you’re trying to say? Sex is one of the things you don’t want to get addicted to?”

  “You make it sound stupid.”

  “I’m just trying to understand,” he says, shaking his head. “You don’t... so you dance?”

  I nod.

  “But you have... right?”

  I nod again.

  “Too much?” he asks, cringing a little as he asks.

  Groaning, I tilt my head back against the padded seat. “Once was probably too much knowing me, but... five. I’ve had sex five times.”

  Taking it all in, he rubs his face and sighs. “Okay,” he says, clearly working hard to understand as he rubs his forehead. “Five times really doesn’t seem like too much.”

  “In one weekend,” I say flatly, purging myself of details as I work up to the worst of it. “I liked it too much, so I haven’t since. You make me want to.”

  Ending another yawn abruptly, he sits up straight, his eyes wide, but... hungry.

  “I-” Cutting himself off, he sits quietly in thought as his eyes search mine. A shadow crosses his face and he looks down at the table.

  “You don’t want me to kiss you anymore,” he concludes. “Because it makes you... weak? That’s the word you used - isn’t it?”

  Touching his hand, I duck into his vision. “I want your kisses, Lennox. They’re amazing and I want them.”

  When his eyes pierce mine with a hot look I take my hand back. Glancing at where my hand was, Lennox slowly sits back again. “You’re scared of wanting my kisses.”

  I nod. “There’s more.”

  Reaching across the table, he takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “I want to know, Katarina. Please don’t think I don’t. I just don’t think I can hear it tonight. I want to give you all my attention, but at this time of night, especially with the topic we’re discussing, I’m finding it very hard to concentrate,” he says. With a touch of color warming his cheeks, he checks his watch. “I have to be up again in three hours. Can I walk you home and we continue this tomorrow?”

  “Of course. I’m sorry to keep you so late. When you turned up at the club, I didn’t even think. You must be exhausted.” I smile genuinely to let him know I’m not offended. “Maybe I should walk you home.”

  Chuckling a little, he sticks a twenty under one of our cups and scoots out of the booth. “I think I’ll be fine. Plenty of intriguing thoughts to keep me company,” he adds, helping me back into Smith’s coat before donning his own. He yawns again and I find myself doing the same.

  Gesturing for me to go through the door ahead of him, he takes my hand again as we walk the few doors back to Beyond. His thumb moves back and forth over the back of my hand and I’m embarrassed for myself that such a simple touch can induce such wanting within me.

  Coming to a stop at my door, Lennox leans in close, kissing my forehead. I tilt my head back wanting so much more as I stare into his eyes.

  Moaning, he pulls my face to his and gives me what I want. The wall at my back helps keep me upright as he makes me see stars. Literally. A few still dance at the edge of my vision as he forces himself back.

  “To be continued,” he whispers in my ear before giving it a lick that sends a shiver right the way through me. “Open the door and get inside before you freeze,” he says gruffly, mumbling something under his b
reath that makes my insides clench in a very pleasant way.

  “Did you just say-”

  “Inside, Kat.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  When I get upstairs, several of my roommates are still in the living room, and although they all exchange mysterious and suspicious glances with each other as I arrive, nobody says a word to me, or demands to know how my time with Lennox went. Too strange. Searching the room for clues, I spy an iPad on the coffee table.

  “You silent sneaks were spying!”

  None of them says a word, but a loud snore escapes Scarlett as she snuggles into Bruno a little more. Reeni tries to keep from laughing, but soon everyone is and I can’t keep my frown.

  “Stop using the security cameras for evil,” I warn Smith, who is sitting closest to the iPad.

  “I just wanted to make sure my coat made it back safely,” he says with a grin. “So things went well?”

  “Well enough. I haven’t told him everything, but I’ve told him some and he hasn’t run away yet.”

  Bruno shuffles himself out from under Scarlett and scoops her into his arms. “He’s not going to run away Kat. We’ve all seen the way he looks at you. It’s half - wants to smooch you like a kitten, and half - wants to maul you like a tiger. It’s a good mix for both of you. He won’t run.” Without another word, he carries Scar down the hall to bed, closing the door behind them.

  “A good mauling never hurts if it’s done right,” Reeni adds with a wink as she retires.

  Smith chuckles a little and shakes his head. Stretching as he stands, he smiles at me. “When are you seeing him again?”

  “Tomorrow. Scar and I have a delivery, so that’s unavoidable, but I don’t know if we’ll be able to talk then. Maybe after?” Shrugging, I realize I’m still wearing his coat. Slipping out of it, I hang it on his hook. “Thanks for the loan.”

  “No problem. Couldn’t have you finding excuses not to go out and talk to the guy. He really does seem a good match for you.”

  “A matchmaker now are you?”

  Smith shrugs. “Jack of all trades, Angel,” he says with a grin. “Comes with the territory.”

  “And just when are you going to set yourself up with a match made in heaven, Jack? You haven’t committed to more than a night with anyone since I’ve known you.”

  “Still waiting for the right girl,” he says with a shrug. “I’ll know her when I find her, don’t you worry. And I’ll use every tool at my disposal to woo her good and proper.”

  “If it’s a tool it takes to win her heart, I’m sure you’ve got the right one and she’ll be very impressed.”

  Laughing, Smith pats my shoulder on his way past. “Kat, you’re so sweet, sometimes I wonder if you say this stuff on purpose, or because you’re intending it to be hilariously inappropriate. Either way, I love you for it. See you in the morning,” he says, still chuckling as he pads away.

  Frowning, I think back over what I said and laugh a little myself. While I am quite comfortable twisting words into sexual innuendo, that time was completely unintentional. Maybe my brain is automatically arranging my speech to be sexualized all the time and I’m unaware of it. That’s a scary thought. I don’t think I’ve been doing that, but how would I know? My sex-addled brain could be controlling my speech center, and spending time with super sexy Lennox Green would certainly send it into overdrive.

  Sighing at myself, I head for bed, trying not to think about Lennox Green muttering hot, dirty things under his breath.

  SCARLETT AND I FILL our bags with fresh produce for delivering to the homeless as we do every few days. Lennox and I exchange little smiles and glances around the other shoppers. Scarlett scoffs when she notices and rolls her eyes in combination with an overly-exaggerated head roll.

  “At least you’re not spilling fruit all over the floor anymore. There’s definitely something to be said for opening a dialog,” she jokes, looking between us again and lowering her voice. “You two are the opposite of subtle, and if you don’t stop eye-fucking that man, he’s going to shock the next customer with his marrow display.”

  My eyes peel away from Lennox to glare at her, which only serves to make her laugh.

  “What?” she says innocently. “I’m just saying. Save it for later, when he has no customers. Then you can go at it on the counter next to the register for all I care.”

  I don’t answer. Mainly because I’m ducking my head and moving down the aisle to prevent her from seeing the raging flush of my cheeks because I’ve already been fantasizing about Lennox taking me on the counter. In my imagination, when I orgasmed, the register rang out in celebration like a jackpot on a slot machine.

  I should probably see a doctor about some of the things that run through my head. Or not. Fantasies are pretty enjoyable, and they’re kind of all I have.

  Managing to keep myself distracted until it’s time to pay, I approach the counter, blushing immediately as I meet Lennox’s eyes. I have to look away in a hurry. With my face acting as a beacon, my thoughts must be obvious to anyone in a ten mile radius. I should probably get a job sitting on rocks out in the ocean, where I could live a safe, sexless existence, fantasizing all day and night as I helpfully warn ships of their impending doom.

  Risking a glance at Lennox, the thought of a sexless existence loses any appeal it may have had. Instead I want this man to cure me; just fuck the need right out of me. Oh... my... ever-loving stars. I’ve done it now. Now that thought is out there, I can’t stop thinking it.

  Or looking at him.

  Even he’s blushing now.

  Holy smoke. I’ve made him blush just by thinking. He can read my mind. And I can tell he wants it too! Oh this is bad. Or so bad it’s good. No. Just bad. I haven’t told him the worst thing. If it’s a deal-breaker, I might die. Spontaneous combustion is a thing, and I bet this is how it happens.

  Lennox interrupts my thoughts. “I have a box of browning bananas that will only be good for baking, if you’re interested Katarina,” he says, handing Scarlett back her change. “You could come by after you’ve done your rounds. Linc should be back from the deliveries by then, if you need a hand getting them home.”

  Opening my mouth to respond, I’m suddenly aware that I haven’t understood a single word he’s said, because I was just staring at his mouth and hearing completely filthy words to accompany an imaginary scenario.

  “Pardon?”

  Scarlett giggles and nudges me towards the door. “She’ll be back for your banana just as soon as she can,” she tells Lennox as she keeps pushing me out the door.

  Once outside, she takes one of my bags from me as she always does, because she’s stronger. Rearranging a few things for better balance she lifts them again, shaking her head at me as we start walking.

  “You really need to finish your conversation with that man, because both of you are chomping at the bit to jump in the sack with each other.”

  Saying nothing, because there’s no point in denying it, I just sigh. “I’ll do it today.”

  “I know. We’re going to rush our delivery, and you’re going to go back, talk to him, and let him stuff his banana in your box so you can return to your normal color. Understood?”

  “What if he wants to banana-split after I tell him?”

  “Then you go home and flick your own bean, or find a different banana. Maybe both, judging from your face. Now hurry up. The suspense is killing us both.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Scarlett insists on escorting me back to Green’s so I don’t chicken out. Spying us through the window, Lennox waves at us through the glass. Abandoning me at the door, Scarlett flashes me a daring grin as she wishes me good luck over her shoulder and continues on towards the apartment.

  The jingle of the bell cheerfully celebrates my return and I shrink a little, wondering if it will sound as chipper on my way back out. Forcing my feet to move forward, I approach Lennox as he’s restocking the oranges.

  Glancing at his watch, he smiles warmly
at me. “That was quick.”

  “Mmhm.”

  Narrowing his eyes a little, his smile lessens, but doesn’t disappear. “You’re nervous.”

  Nodding, I look around the empty store, wondering if I should tell him now, or wait for Linc to get back so that we don’t get interrupted.

  “I won’t judge you, Kat. You’re beating yourself up over this stuff and you don’t need me doing it too. You need me to hear it, so I will - whenever you’re ready, but I won’t judge.”

  Brave words. Spoken like someone who couldn’t imagine me at my lowest.

  “What if you can’t help it?”

  His face softens. “I need you to feel safe with me, Kat. Please trust me enough to share your burden. What is there to lose?”

  I don’t answer, because the lump in my throat won’t let me. After a few deep breaths, I nod - to myself more than to Lennox. It’s time. Another breath and I begin.

  “I was in my last year of high school when Mom became too ill to hide it anymore. Instead of graduating, I was home looking after her. I did it because she was my mother and I loved her, but also because I had to. We couldn’t afford other care, and she was terminal, so I did it. I hated every second.” Sniffing I sweep my hair back from my face and continue.

  “When Tim came home from school, he’d watch Mom and the kids, and I’d go to work. I waited tables, did sewing, cooking and cleaning, and anything else I could find to earn enough for us to live. It was tight, but we managed, by pulling together. Jem even donated her paper route money to make ends meet.” That thought is enough to bring me to tears. It had broken my heart when she’d brought her piggy bank to me. I’d been pawing over the bills at the table in the middle of the night, fretting about how to keep food on the table when the mortgage had already taken the cash for the utilities and Mom’s medication.

  Lennox shifts closer, taking my hand and wiping my tears. He says nothing, but he doesn’t need to. His eyes are full of emotion. Overwhelmingly so.