Beyond Compare (The Beyond Series Book 4)

by Ashley Logan

  Pulling myself up from the booth, I leave, tugging my coat more tightly around me, having not even bothered to take it off.

  BARELY ACKNOWLEDGING Bruno, or the busy club, I charge through the coded door, taking the stairs two at a time and clenching my fists to keep my fingers from drumming my thighs. Putting them to work removing my coat and boots, I turn to find Lennox watching me. His warm eyes take me all in and I can see by the crease between his brows that he can tell I’m upset. Opening my mouth to reassure him, I find that I don’t have the words to form those lies. Taking a moment to stare at the ceiling and collect myself from the twisted state that my discussion with Andy has left me in, I feel my fingers back in motion. Sighing, I march straight to the kitchen.

  Putting the kettle on, I roll up my sleeves, wash my hands and begin sorting ingredients. Retrieving the stack of mixing bowls from near the sink, I look up to find Lennox moving in to mash the next lot of bananas.

  “Thank you for washing the dishes,” I say quietly, not looking up from pulverizing the butter and sugar.

  “You’re welcome.”

  Nothing more is said until the next four cakes are in the oven and the timer is set. I put the kettle on again, having not made us a cup of tea after the first time I did it. My fingers rap continuously on the counter and Lennox steps in close behind me. Taking my restless hand in his, he brings it slowly to his lips.

  “It didn’t go well.”

  It’s not a question, but I shake my head anyway.

  Placing my hand on his chest, he strokes it softly as he holds my gaze. “Will he tell the kids?”

  I shrug.

  “How did he react when you told him about his father?”

  Dropping my eyes to the floor, I chew the inside of my cheek. “I couldn’t tell him.”

  Pulling me in close, Lennox soothes my back with the same motion he’d used on my hand. I don’t really deserve it, but it feels too good to pull away from.

  “He thinks I’m disgusting.”

  Lennox stills. “He what?” the words are ground out between gritted teeth.

  Shaking my head, I sniff into his chest. “He thinks I’m a low-life and a liar.”

  “You’re a beautiful person and he is a judgmental fool,” Lennox corrects, pulling me closer to him.

  “He thinks those things, and he doesn’t even know the worst of it!”

  “What does it matter what he thinks?”

  “Because he was my best friend, and I loved him! And he thinks I’m disgusting!” Pushing away from Lennox, I throw my hands in the air. “Even though we haven’t been close in years, his opinion matters to me - and I’m the biggest disappointment he’s ever seen!”

  Folding his arms over the space I just vacated, Lennox presses his lips together and glares at the oven. The heat of his gaze looks intense enough to burn the cakes inside. Under the cover of his beard his jaw tenses and releases as he broods.

  “Do you still love him?”

  “No,” I reply quickly; firmly. “I love you. But I’m upset by his reaction and while I made it quite clear to him that I disagreed with his judgment, I had to leave before I cried, or screamed, or smacked him in the face with the truth about his sleazy father and the fact that he’d assumed correctly that I was capable of being a whore! I’m hurt, and angry, and I need to make more cake!”

  Snatching up the nearest mixing bowl, I throw in a measure of butter and spill the sugar as I yank it across the counter. Muttering curses under my breath, I snag the dishcloth and sweep the spilled crystals into my hand, washing them off in the sink.

  Again Lennox comes up close behind me. His big arms wrap around me as he kisses my neck. “Cake can wait. I know what you need.”

  Almost simultaneously, one of his hands slides under my tank top to caress my breasts and the other slips down my pants. Leaning back into him involuntarily, I moan as his gentle touch sweeps enticingly over my most sensitive parts, still tender from their recent activity. Somehow he easily has me panting for him in moments, despite thinking I’d be too sore.

  “What am I if I want you inside me even though I’m still sore from having you inside me?”

  “Beautiful,” he whispers in my ear as his beard grazes my neck. “I’m taking you to bed,” he says, withdrawing his teasing hands and lifting me from the floor.

  “The cakes,” I mumble, vaguely recalling the damn things, but not really caring if they burn.

  “This won’t take long,” he says, kicking my door open and tossing me onto my bed. Pulling off my yoga pants and panties in one smooth motion, he pushes up my tank top and draws one nipple into his mouth, sucking, then nipping me sharply. Gasping at the surprisingly delicious lick of pain, I can only throw my head back and moan as he moves lower and his tongue swipes through my swollen folds. The combination of pain and pleasure somehow matches what I’m feeling on the inside, and as he makes another pass, I move into him uncontrollably.

  Writhing beneath him, I can’t keep my hips on the bed as his mouth makes and delivers every promise. “Fuck that feels good!”

  “Mmm,” he agrees, and the vibration just about pushes me over the edge.

  “Oh shit! Say something else!”

  Several licks later, Lennox says goodness knows what as his fingers tweak my nipple and his tongue harasses my clit. Jerking into an explosive fit of pulsating ecstasy, I call out his name - and a few other choice words, unhindered by the need to keep quiet.

  “Fucking gorgeous,” Lennox groans, moments before I feel him inside, thrusting me to another dizzying climax.

  Collapsing next to me as we gasp for breath, Lennox holds me to him as if he doesn’t want to break the connection. Having him close makes me feel wonderful and warm, and just wanted; loved for being me.

  Suddenly overwhelmed by everything I’m feeling, I start to cry.

  Holding me closer, Lennox brushes hair from my cheek and kisses my tears, murmuring soothing sounds.

  “What is it?” he asks softly.

  “Everything,” I sob. “You’re so good to me. I don’t want to lose you.”

  “You’re not going to lose me, Katarina Sophia James, you beautiful, mixed up girl.”

  “I always lose everything,” I whisper, leaping off the bed and running to the shower. Standing under the steaming jets, I try to get my head together before Lennox climbs in.

  “I’ll be right where you need me to be, Katarina. To the best of my abilities.”

  Nodding, I keep my eyes low.

  “How is this going to work, Lennox?”

  “I’ll make it work.”

  “How?” I ask, looking up. “How do we merge two busy lives when half of mine is a lie? Do we just meet when we can, shag like rabbits and go back to our lives like before?”

  Frowning, Lennox says nothing as he studies my face. Unable to keep looking at him, I drop my gaze to the drain.

  “Sex is a great release and with you, it’s beyond... I said I wasn’t interested in a one night stand, Katarina. I love you. All of you. Whatever is worrying you, we’ll work it out. If you don’t want to lie, I’ll support you through the truth. If you want to keep your secrets, I’ll keep them too.” Kissing me on the forehead, he climbs back out of the shower, towels off and gets dressed. “I’ll get the cakes out,” he says quietly, bringing my attention to the timer going off.

  By the time I make it back to the kitchen, Lennox has the cakes on cooling racks, has done the dishes again, and is lining up the ingredients for the last batch of cakes. Again we make them in silence, and once they’re in the oven, I turn to Lennox.

  He smiles, kisses my forehead and nudges the icing sugar towards me. “You make the icing and I’ll do the dishes again.”

  “We do have a dishwasher,” I say, pointing to it as I return his smile. “Now that we don’t need the bowls straightaway, they can just go in there.”

  Lennox nods in response, and rinsing the dishes first, he stacks the dishwasher as the apartment begins to fill with the nois
e of the others arriving home from work at the club.

  The smell of cake brings more than one hungry dancer into the kitchen, but it’s Bruno that doesn’t budge when I shoo them back out. Holding up an envelope, he raises an eyebrow at me.

  “A very apologetic Andrew Coulson came back about an hour ago to give you this. Said I’d pass it along. You want it, or shall I file it in the trash?” He holds it over the trashcan, standing on the pedal to open the lid.

  Whipping it out of his hands, I’m about to tell Bruno off when I catch his eyes shoot to Lennox behind me. Turning to see Lennox literally deflating, I feel Bruno back out of the kitchen.

  “Lennox, don’t look at me like that. His opinion matters to me.”

  “I know,” Lennox says, with a sigh as he looks around the kitchen. “I’m just not sure why it matters so much,” he adds, moving towards the door. “I should get going. I don’t want Linc to feel like he’s under any pressure. I’ll see you tomorrow, Kat.” Kissing my forehead on his way past, he heads through the living room, grabbing his coat and boots before disappearing down the stairs.

  He doesn’t come back when I call his name, and when I call his phone, it goes straight to voicemail. A minute into my complete panic, my phone chirps as a message from Lennox flashes up on the screen.

  It’s late. We’ll talk in the morning. I love you x

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  ThunderKat,

  The first thing I must say, is that I am most definitely not disappointed in you. You are by far one of the most extraordinary people I know. The effort it must have taken to keep your amazing family together through years of loss and hardship is beyond my comprehension. It’s more than anyone should have had to manage, and the fact that you did it on your own speaks of your incredible strength and determination. I had no right to judge you for using your talents to improve the quality of life for your siblings, and you were right to walk out on me.

  The truth is, I was in shock. I’d come in search of you behind the bar, but had been distracted by the beautiful Angel on the stage. When your disguise came off and I saw that it was you, I just about lost my mind - for more reasons than I think I mentioned in our brief discussion.

  Kat, you have always had the most courageous and beautiful spirit, and seeing you dance as you did, I guess I was jealous that other people would see it too and therefore make me less special in my adoration.

  You probably don’t want to hear that either, given the fact that I waited so long to tell you of my feelings for you. For some reason I always felt as though it was wrong to love you like I did. I felt that I couldn’t show it. Seeing you again at Christmas made me realize that was crazy, but I scared you then with a holiday kiss, and now with an almost brawl on your doorstep as I tried to understand the situation. After some time to think on it, I’m actually very pleased that you have large scary men protecting you from potential harm.

  You say you don’t want saving, and you clearly don’t need my help, but I was wondering if there was any chance of preserving our friendship. I’ve missed you all so much, and though my life is where I thought it was meant to be, it feels empty and hollow without my family to share it with me. Seeing you all at Christmas got me seeing things more clearly.

  I promise I won’t tell the others, if this is truly what you want. And I hope you can forgive me for being a complete ass.

  Love, Andy.

  Reading it again through a blur of tears, I set the letter aside, wipe my eyes and stare at the kitchen counter.

  My finger start tapping and I put the kettle on out of habit.

  “You want to talk about it?” Alexa asks, her voice laced with caution.

  Shaking my head, I roll a lemon in front of me. Nobody really wants to hear my stupid, tale of woe. It doesn’t even matter. I’m not unhappy. There is a wonderful man that loves me, who treats me so well it hurts, and continues to love me even though I’m acting insanely.

  I’m angry; but that’s something different.

  “Thanks Lex, but I’m actually okay. Just a bit annoyed at what happened tonight.”

  “A bit?” she asks, stifling a small snort. “You look as though you’re about to squirt lemon juice in the eyes of anyone who messes with you.”

  Lifting my eyes to hers, I quirk my eyebrows as I hold up the lemon. “Feeling brave were you?”

  Giggling a little, she lowers my weapon with her hand on top of mine. “I’m here if you want to talk about what’s pissing you off. Is it the way Lennox left how he did?”

  I shake my head and sigh. “I’m surprised he’s hung around me this long, to be honest, but no. He says he loves me and will see me in the morning. My guess is he needs some space from me and my crazy behavior. I only hope one night isn’t enough time for him to realize how nuts his loving me is.”

  “Loving you isn’t nuts.”

  “Hmm.”

  Taking another lemon, I roll both back and forth on the counter top.

  “They both love you?”

  “Mm.”

  “And that makes you angry?”

  Shaking my head again, I reach for a knife and slice the lemons in half. “Life makes me angry. Timing makes me angry,” I say, grinding the lemon halves into the juicer one at a time. “But mostly I’m angry because those things make me angry. I don’t want the life I dreamed about back then, so why do I care that it’s being shoved in my face now?”

  “Maybe because of the shoving?” Lex suggests, her eyes squinting in sympathy at the poor lemons. “If you feel like it’s being shoved at you, it’s bound to feel unpleasant.”

  “Mm.”

  “Okay, different angle,” she says, squaring her shoulders and pushing the icing sugar towards me as I pull in the nearest mixing bowl. “What is the life you dream about now?”

  Hesitating a moment, I slowly reach for the icing sugar and start tipping it into my bowl. “I don’t know exactly.”

  “What do you know?”

  “I know that I hate thinking Lennox might be mad at me. I know that I love his little family as if it were my own. I know that he makes my knees weak and my soul full, and that I want to be with him, I just don’t know how that looks. I can’t ruin what he has by thrusting myself into it, and I have my own family to worry about too. I can’t just do as I damn well please; not when there are three eleven year-olds to consider. What do I do?” I ask Alexa, knowing she’ll have less of a clue than me. “I can’t stop dancing and I have no other career, or means of providing for them. Do I just carry on with Lennox, seeing him when I can until all the girls are old enough to leave home?”

  “Is that what you want?” Lex asks.

  “No. I don’t know. I can’t think about what I want.”

  Alexa folds her arms over her chest. “Why not?”

  Staring at her a moment, I shake my head and mix the icing instead. How do I explain my prison to a free agent?

  Lex wipes a splatter of icing from the bench and sucks it off her finger. “As far as I can tell, you have some similarities to a single mom. When a single mom finds a guy she wants to share a life with, what does she do?”

  “Considers how the guy will treat her kids.”

  “Great. So how will Lennox treat your kids?”

  Frowning, I reach for the first cake. “Lennox is a great dad. This isn’t about Lennox. He’s wonderful.”

  “Right. Of course. So when a single mom finds a wonderful guy and wants to marry him, what do they do?”

  My cheeks heat. “I didn’t say anything about marriage. We only got together yesterday.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Bear with me. They talk about it first, obviously. Then they work out a plan, chuck the kids in the car, take them for ice cream and say ‘hey, meet your new sisters, we’re shacking up and because you’re dependents, you have to do as you’re told and don’t get to rule my damn life, so eat your ice cream and we’ll show you your new room.’ Or something to that effect, because you’re the boss, Kat.”

  “I know I’m
the boss. I hate being the boss.” Icing the fourth cake, I glance at her and sigh. “It’s not as simple as all that, Lex. The kids are settled, I have secrets in the city, and I’m pretty sure that Lennox will come to his senses pretty quickly about the impact of having a stripper around his little girl. I can’t see it working, but... I want him, Lex. It’s so hard to say that out loud, but he makes me feel... like I’m my own person; like I’m independent of all the other stuff. I just hope that who I am doesn’t ruin us.”

  “Is the Andy thing a problem?”

  “Lennox knows about Andy.”

  “Knows what? That you pined for the guy for years? That he’s now on your doorstep professing his love? That you chose a letter from Andy over Lennox the man? You let him walk out the door and now your icing cakes at three in the morning.”

  “I didn’t choose a letter over him!”

  “Do you think that’s how he sees it?”

  “Damn it Alexa! I was just angry before; now I’m freaking out!” Grabbing the nearest cloth and wiping sticky frosting off my fingers, I reach for my phone. “I can’t call him at three in the morning!”

  Thumbing out an ‘are you awake?’ message, I hit send and wait. Sighing when it doesn’t chirp back at me, I keep my tapping fingers busy by icing the rest of the cakes. It was silly to think he’d still be awake; he’s been up since the crack of dawn like me.

  “He’s probably asleep,” I tell Alexa, yawning myself. “We’ve had a big day.”

  Smiling sadly, she nods, hugs me, and wishes me goodnight before disappearing off to her room.

  “Please be asleep and not avoiding me,” I whisper, tidying up my mess.

  Retiring to my room, I strip down to nothing, because pajamas don’t remind me of Lennox Green. I climb under the covers and set my alarm, before smoothing the quilt with my fingers as they threaten to drum me into madness.