ClownFellas

by Carlton Mellick III

  “Why’s that?”

  “He said I’d be too much of a psycho to date. Can you believe that? He called me a psycho? If anyone’s crazy, it’s Jimmy Bozo.”

  Jojo thought about it. He wasn’t really sure which of the two was crazier. They were both equally nuts in his opinion. He wondered if their unbalanced personalities were why they’d been friends so long. You’d have to be nuts to hang out with either of them for fun.

  When she grabbed her things and left, Jojo closed his eyes to get a much-needed nap. As he drifted off, he wondered how Pepper was going to take Jimmy’s death. He hoped it didn’t make her more needy than she already was. And he really hoped it didn’t make her even crazier. He wouldn’t be able to handle her if she got any crazier.

  Chapter 125

  “What the hell, Tommy?” Jojo said to his brother.

  Jojo was the only person who still called him Tommy. To everyone else, he was Don Bozo. First name Don. Last name Bozo. If anyone called him Tommy Bozo he took it as a sign of disrespect. But he let his brother slide, because he knew the son of a bitch didn’t respect him anyhow.

  “You took the gumball factory from me?” Jojo placed his hands on his brother’s desk and leaned in. “My wallet’s already been hurting since Buttons ran out on us.”

  Don Bozo didn’t like when his brother barged into The Show to complain about the way he was running things. It was something he did far too often. Jojo was never satisfied with the job his brother did, even on the best of days.

  “I didn’t have a choice,” said Don Bozo. “Manny Malone’s breathing down my neck again. We got to keep things quiet for a while.”

  “Do you know how much that’s going to cost me? The gumball factory’s a major source of income for me. It’s the only source of income for a lot of my guys.”

  The gumball factory was what they called their black-market gun trade. They manufactured and distributed clown weapons all over the country, from gumball shotguns, to explosive pies, to happy bullets, to pretty much everything that a clown could use to kill someone. It was a major operation that brought in billions a year, and it wasn’t something that you just shut down out of nowhere for no good reason.

  “It’s only temporary,” Don Bozo said. He twisted up a balloon dog and let it crawl across his desk toward his brother.

  “Temporary? How temporary?”

  “A few weeks. Maybe a few months.” The boss shrugged. “Until I say otherwise.”

  Jojo banged his fists on his brother’s desk, crushing the balloon dog. “This is really bad timing, Tommy. I got my daughter’s wedding coming up. You know that. And with that girl, trust me, I need all the money I can get right now. She’s absolutely slaughtering my bank account.”

  Don Bozo pushed his brother’s hand away from the desk to free the balloon dog before it popped.

  “You’re going to have to get by without the gumball factory for now, Jojo. If you need a little extra for Taffy’s wedding I’ll float you the cash.”

  “For how many points? I’m second in command here. I shouldn’t have to be taking out a loan to pay for a little wedding.”

  Don Bozo just looked up at his brother. He didn’t have to say another word. Jojo knew he wasn’t going to budge.

  “This isn’t going to stand, Tommy. If you don’t get the gumball factory up and running again there’s going to be hell to pay.” Jojo went to the door. They stared each other down for a few minutes, but his brother wouldn’t say another word. “Mark my word.”

  Jojo walked out the door. Then walked right back in with a completely different tone of voice—a sweeter, more gentle tone. “You’ve got everything sorted for Taffy’s wedding like I asked, right?”

  His brother nodded.

  “She’s got her heart set on having those circus animals there. You got to come through with that, especially a white pony. She needs a white pony.”

  Don Bozo nodded again. “Don’t worry yourself none, Joe. I want my niece’s wedding to be as perfect as you do.”

  Jojo hated when his brother called him Joe, even worse than his brother hated being called Tommy.

  “Thanks a lot, Tom.”

  Then Jojo’s expression changed back to the sour mug it had been a moment ago and he stared down his brother while slowly closing the door.

  Chapter 126

  Pinky Smiles showed up at Jojo’s doorstep that night, carrying flowers and a bottle of rosé wine.

  “Your bride’s not here,” Jojo said. “She’s out with her mother shopping for a chocolate fountain or something ridiculous like that.” Then he pointed at the things in Pinky’s hands. “Those for Taffy?”

  The kid was obviously nervous. Jojo was an intimidating figure, especially for a soon-to-be father-in-law. And as second in command of the Bozo Family, he was not the kind of clown whose daughter you wanted to be messing around with.

  Pinky looked down, then back up at the clown. “No, they’re for Gianna.”

  Jojo laughed and let him inside. “It’s not my wife you have to impress, kid. It’s me. Where’s my bottle?”

  Pinky looked down. “I just got the one.”

  Jojo shrugged and said, “I guess we’ll have to drink that one then. My wife shouldn’t be having any on her medication anyway.”

  The underboss uncorked the bottle and poured each of them a glass, then they went to the living room and took a seat.

  “I’m glad you came,” Jojo said. “I’ve been needing to talk to you.”

  Pinky took his glass and drank the tiniest sip. “Yeah?”

  When Jojo took a sip of the wine, he cringed and spit it back into the glass. “This crap is terrible. Where the hell did you get this?”

  Pinky didn’t know how to respond to that. He just shrugged and shrank in his seat.

  “Seriously, kid. A real clown drinks whiskey, beer, and scotch…and maybe a little bubblegum cognac now and then. That’s it. None of this wine bullshit. We’re not fucking French.”

  Pinky just nodded and sipped his wine.

  “So, this was supposed to be a surprise Blue Nose was going to tell you at your bachelor party.” Jojo paused to take a couple of gulps of the wine, despite what he’d just said about never drinking it. “But I’m not invited to your bachelor party, not that I’d go if I was, so to hell with the surprise if I’m not going to be there for it…”

  Jojo trailed off to take a few more sips of wine. He cringed after every sip.

  “What surprise?” Pinky asked.

  Jojo looked at Pinky and raised his glass. “You’re getting made, kid. Congratulations.”

  Pinky’s eyes lit up. “Are you serious?”

  “Try to act surprised when Vinnie tells you later this week.”

  “I can’t believe it…,” Pinky said. All of his dreams were suddenly coming true. “Thank you.”

  Even though Spotty had told him it was coming, Pinky was still shocked that it was really happening.

  “Come here,” Jojo said, giving the kid a cheers with his glass and then giving him a hug. “By this time next week, after you walk down the aisle, you’ll be a major part of both my families.”

  Pinky was practically glowing. “Thank you. This means everything to me.”

  “You’re going to be the father of my grandchildren,” Jojo said. “This promotion will ensure you’re able to provide for them. If my brother didn’t approve of Vinnie’s request, I probably would’ve called the wedding off.”

  Jojo laughed, but Pinky could tell he wasn’t joking.

  “Speaking of my brother, you probably know that me and him don’t always get along too well.”

  Pinky nodded. Everyone knew about how much the two Bozo brothers always butted heads.

  “There’s going to come a day, maybe even sometime soon, when it will be time for my brother to step down and another clown will have to take his place.”

  “Like Jimmy?”

  Uncle Jojo frowned at the kid. That was the wrong name to say at that moment.
/>   “No, like me.”

  Pinky nodded. “Oh yeah, of course.”

  “And when that time comes, I want to make sure you’re on my side. Not Vinnie’s side. Not anyone else’s side.”

  The mood in the room became tense. Pinky with his happy-go-lucky personality wasn’t accustomed to this kind of talk. It took him by surprise.

  “But Vinnie’s my capo,” Pinky said.

  “Yeah, and you should be loyal to him. And my brother’s the boss, you should be loyal to him, too. But I’m going to be your father. The clown who marries my daughter has to be loyal to me over anyone else in the family. Capisce?”

  Pinky nodded. It was clear he really had no clue what he was talking about. He didn’t understand why he’d need to be loyal to one clown more than another. He was loyal to the Bozo Family, everyone in the Bozo Family. The idea of choosing sides didn’t make sense.

  “I have high hopes for you, kid. Don’t disappoint me.”

  Pinky stood up, thinking Jojo was finished with the conversation.

  “We’re not through yet,” Jojo said.

  Pinky refilled his glass instead.

  “The last thing I wanted to talk about is the most important,” Jojo said. He waited for Pinky to sit down before continuing. “It’s about my daughter. Taffy is everything to me. She means more to me than anything else in the world.”

  Jojo pulled out a revolver and set it in his lap. He pretended to be polishing it with a napkin while pointing it directly at the kid.

  “When I first heard that you and Taffy were engaged, I wasn’t too happy about it,” Jojo said. “In fact, I was a little annoyed…annoyed enough to put a bullet in your head.”

  Pinky tried to shift away from his line of fire, but Jojo just tilted it toward his new direction while polishing.

  “I didn’t want her to marry someone like you. It’s not because you’re half clown. I don’t care about that. In fact, half clown is better than full clown if you ask me. I was really hoping she’d end up with a nice vanilla boy. A doctor or an engineer, somebody who’d take her away from this town. But you? There was no way I could let her end up with someone like you…” He broke eye contact and looked down at the gun. “Or someone like me.”

  Jojo put the gun down.

  “But then I started thinking, maybe you’re the perfect guy for Taffy.” Jojo took another swig of wine. “Let’s be honest, she’s not the easiest person to get along with. I spoiled her too much. I love her with all my heart, but she’s kind of a little shit, to be honest. My dream of her ending up with some vanilla doctor? Not going to happen. But you? You’re something else.”

  Jojo paused to laugh at the kid. “You have the patience of a saint putting up with her for as long as you two’ve been dating. She’s never had a boyfriend who stuck around as long as you.”

  Pinky didn’t know what he was getting at, but smiled anyway. Just thinking about Taffy always put a smile on his face.

  “When I think about what really matters to me, it’s not giving her the life I wanted for her. All I really care about is for her to be happy. And I don’t think any guy out there could make her as happy as you do.”

  Jojo finished the bottle. By the end, he realized he kind of liked the flowery wine. It tasted a little too much like perfume, but pretty good.

  “You’re like me,” Jojo said. “You see her as a princess. And the only way to deal with a princess is to endlessly shower her with gold and presents and admiration, and never ask for anything in return. Not many men are willing to do that for a woman. But you are. Once I realized that, I knew you were the only clown my daughter could marry.”

  Pinky didn’t know what to say after that speech. He wanted to give the big guy a hug. But after he stood up, he found the barrel of the revolver shoved in his stomach.

  “But if you ever stop treating my daughter like a princess,” Jojo spit in his face. “If you ever hit her, cheat on her, or do anything to even make her cry, I will bury you. Once that ring is on your finger, you’re dedicated to her for life.”

  Pinky just smiled at him.

  “Of course,” the kid said. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  Jojo was thrown off by the half clown. He wouldn’t expect him to be so cheerful with a gun in his stomach. It was like the kid was so confident that he’d always make Taffy happy, the threat was inconsequential to him.

  “I’m glad we understand each other,” Jojo said.

  Then he gave Pinky an awkward hug so tight the gun nearly went off between them.

  Chapter 127

  When Taffy was a little girl, Jojo gave her everything she wanted. He didn’t care how much it cost, he would always buy her anything she asked for. Every Friday since she was born, Jojo treated like it was his daughter’s birthday. He would shower her with presents when he came home, giving her every toy he could find for her. She had the biggest dollhouses of any kid she knew, the fanciest child-sized clown cars she could drive up and down the driveway, she had toy robots that worked on voice command, toy trains, toy dinosaurs, five-foot teddy bears, everything a kid could possibly dream of.

  But out of everything he got for her, there was only one toy she truly loved far more than anything else. It was a doll named Princess Tutti-Frutti. There was a line of princess dolls that all the little girls her age were obsessed with. There were blond princesses, African princesses, Asian princesses, mermaid princesses, fairy princesses, but Tutti-Frutti was the only clown princess.

  When she was seven years old, Taffy was obsessed with that doll. It was special because it was the only clown toy that they made to be beautiful and elegant. Most clown dolls were goofy and ridiculous. It was like the toy manufacturers didn’t think that clowns could be pretty. But Tutti-Frutti was different. She was beautiful. She was exactly the kind of clown Taffy wanted to be when she grew up. She even had pink hair like Taffy.

  Then one day, Taffy came home from school with Tutti-Frutti in pieces in her hands. Her doll was broken into tiny parts. She was bawling in a way that still haunted Jojo to that day.

  “What happened, sweetie?” Jojo said when he saw his daughter.

  She cried so hard she could barely choke out the words, “The kids at school killed Tutti-Frutti! They chopped her up with the paper cutter!”

  Jojo sighed. He thought it was his fault. Because he spoiled his daughter so much, she had turned into a bit of a self-entitled brat. This did not make her very popular with the other kids at school.

  “Let me see,” Jojo said.

  His daughter dropped the pieces into his hands. It was ruined.

  “Can it be fixed?” Taffy asked.

  “I don’t know,” he said. “I think we should buy a new one.”

  Jojo knew it was impossible. They didn’t sell Princess Tutti-Frutti anywhere. She was a limited-edition toy and they just weren’t very popular. There was no way he’d be able to track down another.

  “No, I want my Tutti-Frutti,” she cried.

  Jojo didn’t know what to do. When he saw the look on her little clown face, his heart broke in two. There was no way to solve this problem, but he couldn’t let his daughter down. He had to do something.

  “Okay, I’ll fix it,” Jojo said.

  “Really?” Her eyes lit up.

  Any adult would know that fixing the doll was impossible, but as a child she thought anything was possible.

  “Yeah, I’ll do it no problem.” Jojo nodded.

  “Promise?”

  “It’ll be as good as new.”

  Taffy jumped on her father’s lap and hugged him. He had no idea how he’d accomplish it, but it meant the world to him to see the smile return to her face.

  Jojo spent weeks trying to fix the doll as his daughter grew sadder and sadder without having Tutti-Frutti by her side. He kept promising her it would be fixed soon, but he wasn’t any closer to fixing it than the day he started.

  “Damn it…,” Jojo cried, trying to glue the thigh to the knee.

&nb
sp; He had to use a powerful adhesive to connect the pieces together, but he mostly just ended up gluing the pieces to his own fingers. Large chunks of his skin were missing from always having to rip the adhered doll parts from his hand. It drove him insane with frustration.

  “Come on, you little bitch,” Jojo said to the doll. “Stick together!”

  But it was hopeless. He tossed the doll parts across the room and dropped his head to the table. There was no way he could fix the toy. It was at that moment that Jojo realized that he wouldn’t always be able to give his daughter everything she wanted. And it was the hardest reality he ever had to face as a father.

  Chapter 128

  “So I want you to play violin at my daughter’s wedding,” Jojo said to Bingo Ballbreaker.

  They were at Bonkers, the clown strip club.

  “Uh-huh,” Bingo said.

  Jojo didn’t know if that was an agreement or just a sign that he understood what he was saying.

  “She said she wants you and only you, but you’ve got to play circus music, none of that classical crap.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  When Jojo set up the meeting with Bingo, he figured Bonkers was the best place since the big clown was a regular there. He forgot that Bingo was only a regular because his girlfriend used to work there, and now that she was a sensitive subject with the clown it wasn’t a place he was happy to be in.

  “Is that a yes?” Jojo asked.

  “Uh-huh.”

  A woman sat down at the bar and ordered a peppermint daiquiri. Jojo immediately noticed it was his mistress, Pepper.

  “Will you excuse me for a minute?” Jojo asked.

  “Uh-huh,” Bingo said, crushing a beer bottle with his bare hand.

  Jojo moved to the other side of the bar and sat next to Pepper.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” he asked her.

  She tried to act cool, as if she were surprised to see him.

  “Are you following me?” Jojo asked.

  “Maybe I’m applying for a job,” she said. “Does that make you jealous?”

  Jojo chuckled. “You, getting a job? That’d be the day…”