ClownFellas

by Carlton Mellick III

  “There’s nothing I like more than a clown wedding.”

  Jojo didn’t know what else to say to the large clown, so he said, “Thanks for getting the choir together for this.”

  Jellybottom smiled wide. “My pleasure, Brother Bozo. My pleasure.”

  Jojo gave up on trying to urinate, zipped up his fly, and went to wash his hands. Before he could escape, the preacher stopped him.

  “Hey, you were at my performance I gave over the summer, weren’t you? The one where Bobby Goldstein performed?”

  Jojo couldn’t forget. The event was a disaster. “Yeah, I was there.”

  The reverend zipped up his fly and turned to him, just staring for a minute, as if waiting for compliments.

  “Well, what did you think?” the reverend asked. “Of my act, I mean.”

  “Umm…” He’d hated every second of it, but didn’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings before performing the ceremony. “It was fine.”

  Jojo tried to turn to leave, but the reverend grabbed him by the shoulder.

  “So I was wondering if maybe you can help me out a little. I had this idea for making some comedy recordings called The Jokes of Jellybottom. I got the recording studio, the money for producing them, but I need distribution. That’s where you come in.”

  The reverend just stared at him for a moment, waiting for an impressed look to cross Jojo’s face.

  When he didn’t respond, the reverend asked, “So what do you say? Think we can go into business together?”

  Jojo didn’t want to be having this discussion right now. He tried to make his expressions obvious to the preacher, but Jellybottom wasn’t picking up on it.

  “Well, you know that’s illegal, don’t you, Reverend?” Jojo asked. “You sure you want to go down that path?”

  Jellybottom laughed. “Ah, what’s the harm in spreading a little of the gift of laughter? Nothing in the Bible says comedy’s a sin.”

  “Nothing in the Bible says that selling narcotics is a sin, either, but you don’t want to get caught doing something like that. Comedy’s a serious offense in this country these days.”

  Jellybottom laughed. “Yeah, but when you got a gift like mine it’s a sin not to use it.”

  Jojo couldn’t take it anymore. The big-bottomed clown was getting under his skin.

  “Look, we’ll talk about it another time. It’s my daughter’s wedding. I’m not interested in doing business on my daughter’s wedding day.”

  “Of course, of course…”

  The reverend winked at him. Jojo had no idea what the wink was all about.

  Jojo thought he was finally able to break free of the conversation when the reverend said something that killed Jojo’s patience.

  “One last thing, do you think it would be okay if I told a few jokes during the ceremony? I got a few goods ones I just came up with.”

  Then something snapped in Jojo. He couldn’t control himself.

  The reverend continued, “I believe a ceremony should have a good balance of entertainment and inspiration. If I told a few of my hilarious humdingers—”

  Jojo grabbed the preacher by the neck, shoved him against the wall, and yelled in his face, “If you even think about telling one of your shitty, idiotic jokes at my daughter’s wedding, I’ll shove your head so far up your fat ass…”

  Then he realized what he was doing and let the reverend go.

  “No problem.” Jellybottom nearly wet himself. “I don’t need to tell any jokes.”

  “Reverend, wait…,” Jojo said, trying to apologize for his outburst.

  The stress must’ve gotten to him. He didn’t know what he was doing.

  The reverend ran for the door in tears. “I’ll never tell any jokes ever again!”

  “I’m sorry,” Jojo said, but the reverend was already gone.

  He washed his face and pressed his head against the mirror.

  “You got to get ahold of yourself, jackass…”

  He hoped he hadn’t upset the reverend too much. The last thing he wanted was to mess up the ceremony.

  He looked up and saw his reflection shaking his head at him.

  “Don’t you even start,” he said to the mirror.

  Chapter 137

  Jojo did his best to lay low. He had a few cigarettes out back, fed the elephants a handful of peanuts, scared the hell out of the clown-phobic caretaker, Earl Berryman, just by looking at him funny. It was all a good distraction, until he knew it was time to get back inside.

  “Where the hell have you been?” Gianna asked him when he stepped back in.

  She was drinking straight from the bottle of wine. Based on the way she staggered, he could tell she was already trashed.

  “Are you drunk already? I told you to pace yourself.”

  “I’m fine,” she said as she tripped over her heel.

  He held her by the elbow so she could keep her balance.

  “It’s an embarrassment. What’s Taffy going to say?”

  She avoided the question. “We have to go and greet the guests as they arrive.”

  “What?”

  “We need to stand outside the church and thank people for coming as they get here. Tina has to as well.” She said Tina in a disgusted tone.

  “What are you talking about? We don’t have to do anything like that.”

  “Taffy said that’s what we’re supposed to do.”

  Jojo hoped he could’ve avoided facing his brother and nephew until at least after the ceremony. If he had to greet every person as they entered, he’d have to stare the man right in the eyes with a stupid smile on his face, pretending that he hadn’t just tried to kill his son. Jojo didn’t know if he could do that. Then he wondered if Jimmy had told anyone else in the family. He could have told half the people coming. What if every single person he greeted knew all about what he’d done?

  “Don’t even think about getting out of it,” Gianna said.

  Jojo and his wife went outside and took their positions. Miss Tina was already out there.

  “How ya doing, Tina?” Jojo said to the madam as they approached her.

  Tina smiled and gave him a hug. “Hey, Jojo. Ready for the big day?”

  “A father’s never ready to give his daughter away,” Jojo said, fake-laughing.

  He was beginning to wonder if his wife didn’t have the right idea. He should’ve been pouring stiff drinks down his throat.

  “Hi,” Gianna said to Miss Tina. She waved for a second, looked away from her, and then completely ignored the woman.

  As the guests arrived, the three of them shook their hands, thanked them for coming, and had the ushers take them to their seats. Among the first guests was a group of older clown women in low-cut dresses, exposing their marshmallow-white cleavage. They embraced Miss Tina, congratulating her on her son’s marriage.

  “Are those prostitutes?” Gianna asked her husband, trying to speak quietly but everyone could hear.

  Jojo just nodded and kept the fake smile on his face.

  Gianna raised her voice. “Who invited whores? I don’t want a bunch of whores at my daughter’s wedding.”

  “Pinky invited them,” Jojo whispered. “He was raised in a brothel, remember? These women are like aunts to him.”

  Gianna was fuming. She wouldn’t even look at the women, let alone greet them, as they passed her by.

  As members of the Bozo Family arrived, Jojo did his best job to act happy to see them. The clowns all had stern looks in their eyes and shook his hand with a firm grasp. He could swear they all knew what he’d done, but he tried to pretend as though everything were fine.

  “Thanks for coming,” he told every single one of them while shaking in his boots.

  When his brother arrived, Jojo took the bottle away from his wife and slammed it.

  “What’s the big idea?” she asked.

  “You had enough,” he said.

  Then he tossed the bottle in the bushes.

  Don Bozo was carrying the biggest present
of any of the guests, so big that his head was covered. If it weren’t for his wide hips Jojo wouldn’t have recognized him.

  “Hey, where do I put the presents over here?” his brother said.

  When Jojo saw his face, the clown wore a giant smile. He seemed genuinely excited about the wedding, wearing his nicest blue-and-purple-striped tuxedo and oversized yellow bow tie.

  “How’s it going, Tommy?” Jojo asked in a meek voice. He pointed at an usher to take the present from him.

  “Good, good. Where’s the bride? I want to give this to her personally.”

  He seemed to be in an unusually good mood. Jojo didn’t know his brother to be such a good actor. Normally, his emotions were written all over his face.

  “Nobody sees her yet,” Jojo said. “Not until after the ceremony.”

  “Are you serious? Well, where should I put this then?”

  Jojo waved an usher over to come take the present.

  “Careful with that,” Don Bozo said to the usher. “There’s kittens in there.”

  “Kittens?” Jojo asked.

  “Yeah.” His brother nodded excitedly. “I thought Taffy would like them.”

  “You got my daughter a box full of kittens for a wedding present?”

  “Yeah, who doesn’t want a box full of kittens on their wedding day?”

  Then Don Bozo laughed and gave his brother a giant hug.

  “You’re in a good mood?” Jojo asked.

  “You know how much I love weddings, Joe. I’ve been waiting all week for this.”

  Then his brother was escorted inside. Jojo couldn’t believe it. That wasn’t what he expected from his brother at all. He wondered if Jimmy’d never told his father about it. Maybe Jimmy’d kept it to himself so that he could go after his uncle without his father getting in the way. If that were the case, Jojo wasn’t as bad off as he thought. The wrath of Jimmy wasn’t going to be as bad as the wrath of his brother.

  Ten minutes later, Jimmy Bozo showed up. But he also seemed to be in a good mood. Jojo was relieved at first. Then he noticed who his nephew brought with him. Jimmy’s plus one was Jojo’s mistress, Pepper.

  “How’s it going, Uncle Jojo?” Jimmy asked, giving him a hug.

  “Hi, Jimmy,” Gianna said, giving her nephew a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

  Then Jimmy introduced Pepper to Jojo’s wife, “This is my old friend, Pepper. You remember Pepper from when we were kids, right?”

  “Oh yeah,” Gianna said, nodding at Pepper. “It seemed like yesterday that you were just that little green-haired girl playing hopscotch. You’re so grown-up now.”

  Pepper gave Gianna a big hug and kissed her on the cheek. “I remember you, too. You always yelled at me for climbing on your car.”

  “Oh, yeah!” Gianna laughed.

  Hearing his wife and mistress talk like that, Jojo felt like he needed to wind up his heart a few times.

  “So, Uncle Jojo…,” Jimmy said, taking his uncle aside.

  “Yeah?” Jojo said in a nervous tone. Knowing the impulsive kid, he wouldn’t be surprised if Jimmy stabbed him right then and there.

  “About Pepper…,” Jimmy continued, trying to keep his voice down so Gianna didn’t hear. “I went by her place like you asked me to but she didn’t take no pills like you said. She didn’t even remember you broke up with her.”

  Jojo didn’t know what else to do but lie. He came up with the best one he could in the moment. Even if Jimmy wouldn’t believe him, he didn’t know how else to respond.

  “Did I actually do that?” Jojo asked.

  “Yeah, don’t you remember?”

  “A little bit…” Jojo faked a laugh. “You know, I was half asleep when I called you. I think I dreamed all that about breaking up with Pepper. Never mix booze with pills.”

  Jimmy chuckled. “Yeah, I thought it might have been something like that. She was pretty surprised when I showed up all worried about her for nothing.”

  Jojo laughed with him and nodded. He didn’t think Jimmy completely believed him, but it didn’t matter. As long as there was even the slightest bit of doubt, nobody would move against Jojo. All he had to do was deny it up and down. Not Jimmy, not Blue Nose, not even his brother would dare go against Jojo unless they were 100 percent sure he was responsible. And since Jimmy had survived the ordeal, they had no reason to be too sore over it.

  Jimmy turned to go inside the church and Jojo breathed a sigh of relief.

  “Oh, one more thing,” Jimmy said, turning back to him.

  His nephew pulled a phone from his pocket.

  “I found this phone when I was over at Pepper’s. Is it yours?”

  Jojo looked back at his wife. He said it loud enough so that she could hear, but she was so busy gossiping with Pepper that she didn’t notice.

  “No, it’s not mine,” Jojo said after examining the phone.

  “That’s weird,” Jimmy said. “I thought it had to have been yours. It’s got your phone number programmed into it.”

  Jimmy opened the phone and handed it to his uncle. Upon closer examination, Jojo saw that the text on the screen was in French. He realized it had to have belonged to Jean Dupont, one of the Juggler Brothers. The phone would’ve kept a record that Jojo was in communication with the Juggler Brothers right before the hit went down. Jimmy was just messing with his uncle. He had definite proof he was behind it all.

  “Keep it,” Jimmy said. “Whosever it is, they probably don’t need it no more.”

  Jojo just stared at the phone with his mouth open. He couldn’t say anything. If Jimmy had the slightest bit of doubt, his uncle just confirmed it based on the expression on his face.

  Pepper followed Jimmy into the church, but on the way she leaned into Jojo’s ear and said, “I’m telling her tonight.”

  Then she smiled at him and continued on her way.

  Jojo realized he wasn’t going to get away with it. He was one screwed clown.

  Chapter 138

  When all the guests were seated, Jojo met up with his daughter on the side of the church. He had to push aside his worries about Jimmy and Pepper for a while. It was time for him to walk his daughter down the aisle.

  Taffy was in her pink wedding dress. In traditional clown fashion, the dress was wide in the hips and back, cut low to expose her marshmallow-white shoulders; blue bows lined each side of her torso, and a bouquet of balloons was pinned to her chest. She was the most beautiful clown bride Jojo had ever seen.

  Jojo went to his daughter to tell her how wonderful she looked, but the second she got there her face turned from beautiful to fuming mad.

  “What the hell are those!” Taffy cried as she saw some of the staff laying out pies on tables outside the church.

  “What’s wrong?” Jojo said as he approached her.

  “Those pies,” she said. “What are they for?”

  Jojo was confused. He figured she’d already know. “They’re for the pie throwing after the ceremony.”

  Taffy panicked. “What! I didn’t want pie throwing!”

  It was a tradition at clown weddings to throw pies at the bride and groom after they left the church. By the reception, they would always look like two mounds of cream and pie filling, usually licking the cream off each other’s faces before dinner.

  “But you wanted a traditional clown wedding,” Jojo said. “The pie-throwing part is one of the biggest traditions there is.”

  “I wanted them to throw popcorn, not pies!” Taffy said. “Popcorn’s just as traditional. I can’t be covered in pie all night. It’ll ruin my dress! And my hair!”

  When Jojo saw the panicked look on her face, he couldn’t let it stand. He went to the waiters and told them to take away the pies.

  “They’re going to try to get the popcorn ready in time,” Jojo said as he returned to his daughter. “Don’t worry about it. Your dress won’t be ruined.”

  His daughter tried to relax. If they didn’t get the popcorn in time, she didn’t care. She just didn’t want to be c
overed in pie.

  Then Jojo called Earl Berryman over. The vet brought a white circus pony to them. It was covered in flowers and balloons, with an elegant pink saddle. The vet gave Jojo the reins and the clown petted the side of the horse’s neck.

  “It’s a beautiful horse,” Jojo said.

  When she saw the pony, Taffy’s mood changed completely.

  “She’s so perfect,” Taffy said, approaching the horse.

  “It’s a he, actually,” Earl Berryman said.

  When he said that, Jojo gave the vet a grumpy look and waved him away. The clown could’ve punched the guy for ruining the moment. Luckily, Taffy didn’t seem to care that the horse wasn’t female.

  “Are you ready?” Jojo asked his daughter.

  “I think so…,” Taffy said in a mousy voice, terrified to go out there in front of everyone.

  “You look absolutely stunning,” he said.

  She smiled at her father. Then they didn’t speak for a few moments. There weren’t words they could say to each other that could convey what they wanted to express in that moment.

  His daughter was about to get onto the pony when Jojo stopped her.

  “Hold on a minute,” he said.

  Taffy turned back to him. “What? We have to go. They’re all waiting for us.”

  “Let them wait,” Jojo said. “I have something I want to give you first.”

  “What?” Taffy asked.

  “It’s your wedding present from me,” Jojo said.

  “My wedding present? Just give it to me later.”

  “I wanted to give it to you now,” Jojo said. “When it was just the two of us.” He took a small box from his pocket and handed it to her.

  “We don’t have time for this,” she said. “What is it?”

  Annoyed with her father, Taffy ripped off the wrapping paper and opened the box as fast as she could. But when she saw it, she nearly fell to her knees.

  “How did you…”

  Her pink nose trembled and her eyes became glossy as she pulled Princess Tutti-Frutti from the box. The lost toy from her childhood was glued together so perfectly that she was practically as good as new. It had been years since she’d thought about her beloved clown princess, but as she held the doll the memories flooded back.