by Lara Swann
Until I remember just how real he felt, right next to me today. The little gestures, small touches and almost-innocent looks that reminded me of all the very real things we used to do together. The visceral knowledge of his skin against mine, his lips on me, his arms holding me…protecting me…
Damn it.
All the things I’ve found so hard to get out of my head since I’ve come back. Even harder, after our time together today.
A day that was almost perfect - almost, until the end. When he reminded me how it was when he wanted something.
It was like that before, too. Magical and perfect and amazing…and then some outrageous demand, presented as a fun idea. All thought out and already decided, without the slightest interest or need for my opinion.
I run a hand through my hair and sigh.
At least this time, I know better. I won’t let the magic and charm of The Alistair Sinclair fool me into thinking all of his ideas and plans and demands could possibly work. Or thinking that we could possibly work. Even if - the biggest surprise of all - he was a dream come true with Maddie.
So far, anyway.
I try to remind myself it’s still far too early to tell - but, regardless of anything else, I could see the way he was looking at her. That, if nothing else…that seemed real.
“Hey!” Emma nudges me, then grins. “If you’re going to zone out on me and think about him, you could at least share what’s behind all those dreamy thoughts and romantic sighs. Honestly, girl, you tell me you hooked up with Alistair Sinclair and then don’t answer a single question!”
“They weren’t romantic sighs.” I give her an ironic smile. “More like frustrated and unsure.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound as fun, but you can share those too.” She says cheerily, and her attitude forces a reluctant smile out of me.
Emma can be serious. Sometimes. But not usually after you tell her a huge piece of news that has far-reaching and - probably to her mind - exciting consequences.
“Oohh, wait. Wait a minute.” Emma says, her eyes lighting up as something else occurs to her. “So the mystery man you were dating in college…that was Alistair Sinclair, too?”
I pause for a moment, and unexpectedly I find my face flushing. I didn’t think she remembered that - but the memories of how relentlessly she and a few other girls had pursued me for the name of my secret romance…and how electric-hot and passionate those days were…
I take another sip of wine and try to cover the sudden wave of heat.
“What…made you think of that?” I ask instead.
“Oh, c’mon Leah. I guessed years ago that your mystery baby daddy was probably the exact same mystery romance that you had in college—”
I interrupt with a laugh. “Just how much thought have you put into my love life?”
She joins in, giving me an irreverent grin. “Probably too much - though once you stopped participating, it was a lot less fun. I stopped trying to guess the actual guy in question years ago, at least. But now that we’re talking…you can finally answer all those questions I had in college!”
I stare at her. “Can you even remember any of those?”
“Sure. And if not, I can probably guess. What’s he like in bed? Where does he take you? What do you do together? Is he hot and gorgeous and sophisticated—we know the answer to that one now, at least—does he have a brother—”
I burst out laughing.
Those were exactly the kind of questions she would have asked.
“Okay, we are so not doing that.”
“Yeah, I’ve got better questions now. So—”
“Emma. Wait.” I hold up a hand, trying to stop her before she even begins, barely getting my breath back from the onslaught already. “I don’t think I can do this. Not now. Not with Alistair. We’re not even together, and—and there’s Maddie, and—and this isn’t college, you know. This is…damn, I don’t even know what this is.”
I love Emma. I love how she’ll take a serious issue - some big weight on my mind - and just dance around it poking fun and talking nonsense until life starts feeling better, but…talking about Alistair like this feels strange. He’s not a fun, light kind of conversation. He’s not a fling, or a casual hot encounter, or a bit of saucy gossip.
I wish I could joke about him - about sex, and the past, and…everything else. But he feels too real, too close and it’s all far too complicated for that.
Emma seems to get it, though - and her bubbly enthusiasm and excitement about finally knowing, and I guess about Alistair Sinclair too, finally subside enough that her expression softens. She gives me a sympathetic look as I take another sip of wine.
“He broke your heart.”
It’s not a question, just a gentle statement - and it catches me completely off-guard. Ridiculously, I feel a lump rising in my throat, and try to swallow it back down as I shake my head.
“Yeah.” I say softly. “But it was years ago, Emma.”
“I remember that one, you know.” She says, topping up the wine. “You practically disappeared for months, and whenever I did see you - you were either blissed out and dreamy, or stressed and on edge. And then after…well…I always thought the not eating, not sleeping thing was an exaggeration, but with you…”
“I think that might have been the pregnancy, Em.” I say, trying to shrug it off - but she’s right.
I’d forgotten just how it had been. I mean, I remember the intensity. And I remember the fallout. But I’d somehow forgotten those little moments of bliss and contentment. What it was like to be in a relationship with someone who truly made you feel complete.
And the stress and on-edge thing. Don’t forget that.
Not to mention the devastation when I left. Hell, I was the one to leave, and it still tore me apart.
“I didn’t realize you saw all that.” I say after a long pause.
Emma reaches over to squeeze my shoulder.
“Do you want to talk about it? You wouldn’t say anything back then, but now that I know…”
“There’s not much to talk about.”
She gives me a long look. “There’s enough that you didn’t want to tell him about Maddie.”
I wince, questioning my reasoning all over again - and wondering what my best friend will think of me, if I tell her.
But also realizing that I need to tell her. There’s too much about Alistair going around in my mind and getting more and more confused. I’ve never said any of it out loud before - except in the fights we had.
“That…was probably the wrong thing to do.” I admit.
Definitely the wrong thing, if you think about how he was with her today…
Emma doesn’t say anything, just waits for me, and after a while I sigh.
“It was one of those crazy-intense relationships that never really slowed down for long enough for us to take a breath - and yes, it was amazing for a time. He was fucking fantastic in bed. We had all the passion and toe-curling thrills you could ask for - that’ll settle your prurient curiosity at least - but—”
“Ohh, that doesn’t even start to satisfy that, girl.” Emma’s eyes sparkle as I take another sip of wine. She’s terrible.
“Well, too bad, Em. I am not reliving those days again—”
“Aww, how come - weren’t they any good?” She says, with a look that tells me she knows exactly how untrue that is.
I let out a burst of laughter and shake my head at her.
“Ohhh, they were too good.” She concludes with a nod, her gaze going distant. I have to reach over and nudge her to get her attention again.
“Please don’t tell me you were just fantasizing about him.”
“Well…umm…you can’t exactly blame me, can you?”
She gives me a too-innocent look and I let out an aggravated sigh, turning my attention to the wine instead. It seems a better ally right now. Emma takes a moment to even notice I’ve stopped talking, and then regroups.
“Okay, so…awesome sex, hot p
assion, more money than you’d ever need…yeah, babe, I can totally see why you ditched him.”
Her teasing tone gets a reluctant smile out of me, and I finally let up.
“Fine. So, yes, that stuff was good. And it wasn’t like he was a bad guy, but - he just had to be in control, of everything. He’d never had anyone tell him no, he’d never heard of compromise or a joint decision, or - hell - even discussing basic, obvious things. He expected me to be there whenever he needed me, or leave for a fun trip anytime he wanted to go - he casually decided I should quit my studies without even talking to me about it. And then got pissed when I said ‘no’…”
I trail off for a moment, feeling like I could end up in a rant about all those little, frustrating moments, and needing to calm down. It was a long time ago, and I haven’t found myself pissed off by his attitude for years. So I’m not sure why it’s starting to bother me again now.
Instead, I take a deep breath and look up at Emma.
“In short, I was dating a billionaire business tycoon, and I couldn’t deal with the expectation or pressure that went with it. So I left.”
Emma nods, giving me a sympathetic glance. “And he broke your heart.”
I take another deep breath. “Yeah, he did. But, as it turns out - I think I broke his, too, you know.”
She gives me a crooked smile and nudges my knee. “Of course you did, babe. You’re a catch.”
That startles a laugh out of me, and I glance down at my clothes ridden with old stains I can’t quite identify, my messed up hair, and the little bit extra I have now from the baby fat I never had a chance to burn off.
“Yeah, sure Em. Maybe I was once, but even if I was - he’s The Alistair Sinclair, remember? He can have anyone.”
“He hasn’t, though.” She points out, and I give her a confused glance. “He’s still single, right? After all these years…”
“So he’s doing the billionaire thing and fucking a different girl every week, or busy working, or—”
“Totally hung up on you.” She grins at me, and I just laugh. “What? I’m serious.”
“Seriously deluded.” I say, shaking my head.
But my stomach is doing strange flips and the idea is sending chills down my back.
I’m not thinking about Alistair like that. Deliberately not thinking about it. There was a reason it didn’t work out.
But even so…it’s damn hard to be around him and not think some of those thoughts sometimes. Or not remember everything that came before.
Emma seems to get the hint, at least, and doesn’t push further.
“I get it, though.” She says instead. “I’m not sure I’d want to deal with some of that shit, not even for billions of—umm…well, actually…”
I roll my eyes at her, and she laughs. “Not all of us have your priorities, Leah.”
“I’m not sure anyone does. Hell, these days I’m not even sure my priorities make any sense. But I didn’t want that kind of life for us.”
“And now?”
Her voice is just a little too innocuous, and I look over at her, suspicious.
“And now…I realized I was wrong. He should have a chance to be part of Maddie’s life. And honestly, I need the help. So, if he wants to…then he could be Maddie’s Dad.”
“Just Maddie’s Dad?”
Suspicions confirmed.
“Yes. Just that.” I say firmly. “Believe me, Em, it didn’t work out between us - and there were good reasons for that.”
Saying out loud helps more than I would’ve guessed - making the confusing thoughts and feelings circling in my mind firm and real. Banishing the second guessing.
It didn’t work out. It’s over.
“It’s been five years, Emma - don’t you think he could’ve changed?”
“He hasn’t changed.”
That’s also clear.
And when Emma shoots me a questioning look, I give in and say what’s been on my mind all evening.
“He tried to insist that Maddie and I move in with him.”
“What - like, now?” Emma’s eyes widen as I nod. “Wait, you haven’t even told me anything about today, or how it went with Maddie, or anything. You were out for ages so I thought…but…was it a complete disaster, then?”
“No. It wasn’t a disaster at all. He was…wonderful with her, Em. Like, a drop-dead gorgeous, dreamy father figure. He played with her, made her laugh, messed around in the sandbox, chased her all over the park and…I mean, I couldn’t even believe it was the same guy. Can you even picture it?”
She giggles, shaking her head and looking dramatically upward. “The Alistair Sinclair in a sandbox, playing with a kid? Yep, you’re right, that’s a pretty impossible image.”
I snort. “You’re not going to keep calling him that, are you? His name doesn’t actually have ‘the’ in front of it.”
“Sounds better that way. More grand, and officious. You should tell him to change it.”
My snort becomes full on laughter, and I shake my head. It takes me a few moments to recover, and when I’m breathing normally again, I try to get us back on topic.
“Anyway. Yes, it was…a great day. It felt weird, I’ll be honest, having him there. Maddie has never had a father figure - I’ve never had a partner in this gig, but for a moment…well, I could see what it would be like. Two parents. That kind of support.”
I sigh, and I’m not even sure why, because it’s a good thing that it worked so well today.
And then I remember. It’s because it got me hoping. If he’d been shit, it wouldn’t have mattered so much when he—
“And then he suggested you move in with him?”
I nod again.
“Are you sure he meant now, babe? It sounds like he was just having a good time - maybe he was just talking about ideas, for the future. A little soon, maybe, but—”
“I think it went along the lines of ‘come home with me’.” I say with an ironic smile.
Talking about it now, I can almost see the funny side. When Emma gives me a skeptical look, I clarify.
“Apparently he had it all planned out, Em. We could tell Maddie he was just another friend that we’re staying with, and that way I can stick around for a while without intruding on—” I pause for a moment, the a sudden thought hitting me as I look at Emma. I never asked her what she thought of this idea.
“You’re not intruding.” She jumps in before it can even settle in my mind. “You know that, hun. You can stay here however long you need to - even if getting Maddie’s billionaire Daddy to work shit out takes forever.”
I give a weak smile, and squeeze her hand. “I’m sorry - I really should have checked you wouldn’t prefer if we move in with—”
“I’d like Maddie here for as long as I can keep her.” She grins at me. “I don’t get to see enough of that girl, and she’s practically family. You’re practically family, Leah. Besides, moving in and not fucking him would be a tragedy and—”
“Emma!” I cut her off before she finishes that thought - but then my arms are around her and before I know it, I start sniffling.
We hug for a good, long moment, and then I shake my head.
“God, look at me. I swear I don’t usually cry. But it seems to be all you see me doing.” I laugh a little, sniffle a bit more and then let out a long sigh as we finally break apart.
“So I take it you told him ‘no’?” Emma asks, eyes dancing.
“You could say that.” I mutter. “He didn’t seem to think for a moment about what would happen if things turned sour between us, or how it would affect Maddie or—”
“Maybe he was hoping something else entirely would happen between you.” Emma wriggles her eyebrows suggestively at me.
“He’s meant to be brilliant, Em, that’s what his business relies on. How the hell did he not think through the consequences of that idea?”
“He was probably thinking with his…ahem…other brain. Guys can never work shit out when they’re thinking of
that.”
“Well, if he’s going to be a father to Maddie—”
“Okay, okay. Give him a chance, Leah. Protective momma bear, I get it, but he’s only just found out about all this. It’s going to take him a while to work it out. At least he’s trying, babe - and it seems like he’s too eager more than anything. I’d take that any day.”
Emma, the voice of reason, sticking up for the hot guy with all the money. What a surprise.
But she has a point. And I’d been a little too irate to think about it that way.
“Well, maybe.” I finally admit. “And maybe - hopefully - he might be a good Dad to Maddie. But that’s what this is about - Maddie - and even if he is thinking that way…I’m not getting drawn into that again. I don’t even know if it will work out with Maddie, yet. It’s been one meet. I’m not counting on anything.”
“Mmhm, if you say so.” Emma doesn’t sound nearly as certain as I do, and then grins. “So when is the next one? Did you arrange it yet?”
I hesitate, suddenly thinking of how we left things.
“Well, umm…I’m not sure.” I take another sip of wine, and realize we’re close to finishing the bottle. “I wanted to give him some time - just to think things over. Meeting his daughter for the first time…that’s got to be a pretty big deal. I wanted to make sure he was comfortable before we arranged anything else. But…”
“But?”
“But then he asked me to move in, and - well, I forgot all about discussing that. I don’t even know if he’ll want to, now that I’ve gone and turned down what he wanted. He’s never taken well to that before. Maybe he’ll change his mind—”
“He’s not going to change his mind.”
I look over at her, still doubtful. I think part of me knows she’s right, but a larger part still doesn’t want to hope. And I did turn him down pretty badly. He never liked that, when we were together.
“If you say so, Em.”
I have a lot to think about before I see him again, anyway. I need to make sure my head is on straight. Otherwise this could get too confusing.